BrokenHearted (16 page)

I didn’t say anything but just listened. I knew that was what he wanted, and honestly, I didn’t know what else to say. “Could we just lay here for a while?”

I lift my head up to answer him, looking him into his eyes. A flooding sea of green in pain.  “Absolutely.” I lay my head back down on his chest.

We don’t say anything for what seems like hours. I zone out and fall slightly asleep in his arms. Although I knew tragedy brought me here this morning, I couldn’t help but think that Mr. James brought us together.

“You know something?”

“What?”

“My dad died peacefully, and that is all you can ask, right?”

“Yes. He was a good man.”

“He was the best man.”

“And he loved you more than you know.”

“Yes, I know he did. Let’s go in and check on my mom.”

“Okay.”

Trevor

My mother has been in bed since I had come in and told Ryann it was fine to leave. I appreciated all she had done, but I needed her to leave so I could rest. I felt like a thousand-pound weight had been sitting on my chest, and although I knew that my father was now at peace, not suffering any longer his loss was a hard thing to accept.

I fell asleep on the couch and woke up to my mother banging around in the kitchen. I sit up, trying to find my equilibrium, and apparently invited an ass chewing. My mother had only yelled me out a few times in my entire life. I had always been extremely close to her and had never seen her so infuriating mad directed at me.

Mom came and stood in front of me to make sure she had my attention.

“Trevor.”

“Ma’am.” My eyes were still blurry on top of painful for crying upset over Dad.

“I feel like it is time I tell you something. I have been holding it in for a long time and after losing him … William, your father, I can’t do it any longer. In fact, I regret not speaking my piece before.”

“Mom—”

“Shut it, son. You hurt us so bad when you left. We needed you. It hurt your father so much that he was trying to protect you from ruining your life, and you punished him for it.”

“I…”

“Don’t speak.”

I nod my head, showing her I understood.

“Your father … he didn’t want to interfere in your life. He didn’t want you to know how long he had been sick. But we had to do something to get you home.”

Now, my expression has changed to curiosity.

“What are you saying?” I ask.

“A hospital position didn’t just open up. And you aren’t here by accident. Your father and Harold are old friends. And your father, God rest his soul, got you home. We needed you. He needed you, but he wasn’t going to call and ask for it. I needed you.”

I kept my mouth shut, but I wanted to say something back. I just wasn’t sure what. I knew he was right that I had to have this happen to get me home. And that he knew that it would take that.

I got up and hugged my mother. And she started to cry hysterically. “I have been so mad at you for leaving, for not being here, for feeling sorry for yourself instead of living your life, Trevor. Why? You have one life, and you have wasted it working away—not caring, not letting anyone in to love you. And no matter what you think, your father did what he did out of love. He did what he had to do to protect you and keep you safe.”

“And I shit all over him.”

“Yes, you did, son. Yes, you did.”

She kisses my forehead, and we sit beside each other. “I think he was waiting until you were home to talk to you before he passed. I know he was. You meant so much to him.”

“And he does to me too. I just showed it horribly. I have been a horrible son, and I wish I could change it.”

“You can change it. One, you gave him peace, but two, you can start living like you should.”

“I have already started.”

We hug and lightly rock back and forth, comforting each other as we cry. And I have to admit it sure is nice being home and letting my heart care.

I know exactly who I want to open it for now, and hopefully, she feels the same way.

Ryann

My relationship with Trevor has been anything but smooth. I have never known how he really feels because of our constant push and pull. My own life hasn’t been the easiest lately adding to it. The death of his dad, his dear old dad who I adored, and what happened with Mom telling me about my father. My life seemed to settle for a short while before total chaos resumed.

A week has passed since the funeral, and I haven’t heard from Trevor or his mother. I understood they needed time, and I knew Jackie was helping them as much as she could too.

Tonight at the bar, I had been in an agitated mood for no particular reason.

A man comes in and straight to the bar before I had officially opened.

“Sorry, sir, we aren’t open quite yet. Can I help you with something?”

“I have a delivery from Texas French Bread Bakery to a Ryann Payne.”

“That’s me.”

“Okay, can you sign here?”

“Sure.”

I open the card anxious to see who would send me baked goods and especially from Texas French Bread. It wasn’t cheap.

“
Ryann,

Thank you for all your support to the James’ family during our hard time.

Regards,

Trevor and Margaret James.

It was a carrot cake, which happened to be my favorite dessert in the entire world. And incidentally, I never baked it because no one could make it like my mother.

I smile and hold the card to my heart, thankful they thought of me.

I glance at the clock to see if I have time to call Mrs. James and thank her before the bar opens.

A quick call to Jackie and I have her number so I can call.

I get a little nervous when the phone starts to ring thinking about the possibility of Trevor answering, but I do it anyway. There was no way I wasn’t going to show my appreciation for the thoughtful gift especially with what they are going through right now.

“Mrs. James. It’s Ryann.”

“I know who it is. How are you doing, dear?”

“Good and yourself?”

“Hanging in there.  A little lost without my William here but managing the best I can. I have been doing a lot of riding so that helps.”

“Yes, it does. Listen, I won’t keep you long, but I wanted to thank you for the thoughtful carrot cake you sent. And how in the world did you know it was my favorite?”

“Sorry, sweetie, I don’t know what you are talking about. I didn’t send a carrot cake.”

“You didn’t?”

“No.”

“The card said from you and Trevor.”

“I knew he had it in him,” she says, and I could hear her smiling through the phone. “It must have been from Trevor although let it be known I do appreciate all you have done in helping us.”

“It has been my pleasure. I really wish I could have done more.”

“You did plenty. You have a huge heart, sweet girl. Don’t let that ever change.”

“I won’t let it. Sorry to cut the call short, but I have to get busy. It is opening time. I will be out to see you this weekend.”

“Look forward to it, Ryann.”

“Bye, ma’am.” And I hang up with a smile that went from ear to ear.

Trevor

I had walked into Smith’s many times since I moved back to Austin. I admit at first it was to have a drink, maybe two, or to meet Maxwell. Then it became a place to see Ryann and observe her even if I didn’t want to talk. But now it is a whole new meaning. I had admitted my feelings for her to myself before I had lost my father, but I didn’t say it out loud. Call it pride, call it ignorance, call it chicken shit. It was one and the same to me.

I realized I had done things wrong with her. I gave her every signal to show that I liked her, I wanted her, but then my mouth said the opposite. Really, I didn’t deserve her after putting her through all the shit I did. But that wasn’t going to stop me from trying. Not now that I had come so far.

Before my father died, I went back to Leah’s cemetery for the last time. In fact, it was the very same day that I was finally able to tell my father my regret and my shame. Instead of being mad at her, or love, I failed to feel either. It was like visiting a long lost friend taken from this earth too early, but that taught me a valuable lesson. I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I did talk to her, though, as if she was there. I spoke words that I didn’t think I would ever be able to speak, but I was finally able to.

I think over the words I speak to her again and instead of feeling distraught or stressed, I feel relieved. I had let something go, but only because of one woman.

I could still see myself standing over the gravesite.

“Leah, Leah, Leah … I finally … after all these years … I am whole again. Her name is Ryann Payne, and she is a bright light in my life. I can’t say I have treated her the way she deserves to be treated because I haven’t … I blame it on myself but also because of you. You destroyed me… gutted me … and in a way, took my life from me. But … not any longer. I am happy … and I am going to live my life and let you go like I should have years ago. Honestly, if you would have never died, I probably wouldn’t have ever heard from you again anyway since you had moved on … It just took me a long time to realize it. I loved you for as long as I can remember … and I will always love you in a way. After all, you were my first love.  We were young … and naïve. Now as a grown man, I have finally found true love, though, and now when I look back, what we had wasn’t even a fraction of what I thought we had. Anyway, I wanted you to be the first to know that I am moving on. I am forgiving because it is too hard to hurt anymore. I am tucking you back in my memory, and I am going to live. This will be the last time I will come here only because now… I refuse to live in the past. I am living in the present … with the woman who made me want to love again.”

I walk into the bar, sit on a stool, and see Ryann talking to the man behind the bar. She is listening to what he is saying and taking it all in. He gives her a pat on the shoulder, and it looks like he is saying thank you. She smiles and walks back over to the bar to wait on any customers.

I sit there waiting for her to notice me quietly. And she does.

“Hey! What are you doing here so early? Usually, you come in later in the evening.”

“I had the day off. Been trying to catch up on some things and take care of a few things that my dad wanted to be done.”

“Sounds like fun.” She made a funny face to lighten the mood. I realize she has seen every mood that I have so she is probably concerned about what is coming and rightfully so.

She pours me a bourbon and sets it on the bar.

“Thank you.” I bring it to my hands but don’t lift it to take a drink.

“I wanted to thank you for the carrot cake you sent me. You didn’t have to do that! I wanted to help y’all out.”

“I know you love carrot cake and wanted to thank you. And I know I didn’t have to. I wanted to.”

“How did you know I liked it?”

“A man has his ways.” I grin.

“My mother.” She remarks and smiles lightly while taking a drink.

“Do you have a minute where we could talk?” I ask her. I didn’t want to talk to her over the bar. I wanted to touch her and doing that over the bar wasn’t going to cut it.

“Sure, one sec… let me tell Ted that I am going to take a break right quick.” She turns and talks to the man that she was talking to earlier.

She comes around the bar and meets me, and I lead her to the table situated in the corner.

Ryann looks worried, and she sits.

I take her hands to try to calm her. “Ryann …”

“Is everything okay? Is your mom …”

“Everything is fine. Great, actually … I mean I miss my father but …”

She looks at me sweetly not responding.

I need to get this off my chest. “Losing my father is the hardest thing I have ever been through, but it was a huge wake-up call for me. Bottom line … life is short, and I have wasted too much time. I am not going to hold myself back anymore. I want you in my life.”

Her face lights up with a smile I wished I could keep on her face forever. She was happy.

“I am falling for you, Ryann. I have been, but I am not going to fight it any longer. I refuse to live broken anymore ...” I knew as soon as I said the words that loving her wasn’t going to be a regret.

Her face got solemn. “Well … Trevor … I just think that maybe it’s too …”

“Too what?” I ask.

“Too late … I mean I have been falling for you honestly since the first time I got to spend time with you … but how do I know you aren’t going to continue to tell me one thing but show me another?”

“I don’t know that I won’t, Ry. But I am going to try not to. I can truthfully say I am one-hundred percent positive that you are who I want to be with. I want you in my life more than I have ever wanted anything. I knew earlier too, but I didn’t want to let myself believe it.”

“Mr. James … those are the best words I have heard in years.” And she walks across the small table to sit on my lap and kiss me. I wrap my arms around her and wish that she could really feel the love I am starting to feel for her because I was.