Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy (13 page)

Monday 24 September 2012

136lb, pounds gained 2, texts from Leatherjacketman (possibly as result of pounds gained, even though has not seen yet) 0.

9.15 p.m.
Leatherjacketman has not replied. Thinks am desperate slut.

Tuesday 25 September 2012

135lb, texts from Leatherjacketman 1 (bad).

11 a.m.
Just got reply!

He hates me.

Saturday 29 September 2012

Number of times changed outfit for date 7, minutes late for date 25, positive thoughts during date 0, texts sent to Leatherjacketman 12, texts received from Leatherjacketman 2, Dating Rules broken 13, positive outcomes of entire experience 0.

BE ON TIME, REMEMBERING THAT THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN CHANGING OUTFITS AND PUTTING ON MAKE-UP, RATHER LIKE WHEN CATCHING A PLANE

7 p.m.
Spent so long putting on outfits and taking them off again, that minicab went away, has not come back and now I cannot find taxi in street. Have sent series of hysterical texts to which only reply has been:

8 p.m.
In the Electric Bar. Ended up bringing car but was so late that have had to dump it in residents’ bay where am sure to get a ticket. Leatherjacketman is not here.

MAKE SURE YOU BOTH THINK YOU’RE GOING TO THE SAME PLACE AT THE SAME TIME

8.10 p.m.
Oh, shit! Shit! He didn’t say the Electric. He said ENO.

8.15 p.m.
Deranged now. Just sent him text saying have gone to wrong place and now have to run to ENO.

WHEN YOU ARRIVE, BE RELAXED AND SMILE, LIKE A GODDESS OF LIGHT AND CALM

Turned up at ENO forty minutes late to be confronted by a greeter lady who clearly thought I was a mad person who should be ushered out.

I realized I couldn’t either see Leatherjacketman or remember his real name.

Eventually located him, engrossed, horrifyingly, at a long table of cool advertising-style people, had to actually go over and touch his
shoulder to get his attention, at which he tried to introduce me but obviously couldn’t remember my name either.

He tried to get me to join them. But the restaurant couldn’t fit in another chair, so we had to go to a table for two, with Leatherjacketman repeatedly glancing over at his sophisticated friends, clearly thinking how much more fun they were than me.

When leaving, the sophisticated friends invited us both on to a party, at which, thinking, ‘Nooooo!’ I said, ‘Yes! That would be great!’

I lost him immediately at the scary party, hid in the toilet.

DO NOT GET DRUNK OR OTHERWISE INTOXICATED

When I found him, he was smoking pot. I have not smoked pot for fifteen years and then it was two puffs, which made me so paranoid that I thought people were ignoring me when they were actually talking to me. Nevertheless gave in to Leatherjacketman’s friends’ peer pressure and had two drags on the joint. Immediately became completely stoned and paranoid.

Perhaps noticing this, he whispered, ‘Shall we go in here?’ gesturing at a closed door. Nodded mutely.

We were in a spare bedroom, covered in coats. He closed the door, pushed me against it, kissing my neck, sliding his hand up my skirt, murmuring, ‘Did you say your babysitter was staying over?’

Nodded mutely.

DO NOT TRY TO HAVE SEX BEFORE YOU’RE READY

Not only was I stoned, not only was I paranoid, but I hadn’t had sex for four and a half years and I was absolutely terrified. What if he thought I was revolting without my clothes on? What if I slept with him and he didn’t ring me again? What if I couldn’t remember how to do it?

‘Are you OK?’

DO NOT KEEP DISAPPEARING INTO THE TOILET FOR AGES OR HE WILL THINK YOU HAVE A DRUG OR DIGESTIVE PROBLEM

Nodded mutely, then managed, ‘I’ll just go to the loo.’

He looked at me strangely and sat back down on the bed.

When I reappeared he was still sitting on the bed. He got up and shut the door again and started kissing my neck again while sliding his hand back up my dress.

‘Shall we go to my place?’ he said.

I nodded mutely, just managing to get out, ‘But . . .’

DO NOT CONFUSE HIM

‘Look, if you don’t want to do this . . .’

‘No, no, I do, I do. But . . .’

YOU DECIDE WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX, NOT HIM. DECIDE AND BE CLEAR ABOUT IT

‘You did say you had a babysitter overnight.’

DON’T CREATE PRESSURE

‘It’s just I haven’t slept with anyone for four and a half years.’

‘FOUR AND A HALF YEARS?? Jesus. No pressure.’

‘I know. It’s just, I’ve finally met someone I like.’

‘What??’

DON’T EXPRESS YOUR VULNERABILITIES. WAIT TILL THEY KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND

‘I mean, I’ve met you but I hardly know you, and what if you don’t like it when I’ve got no clothes on? And maybe I won’t be able to remember what to do, and I’m a widow, and I might think I’m being
unfaithful and start crying and then have to wait for the phone to ring and you might not call!’

‘What about me? I’ve met someone I like too.’

ALWAYS BE CLASSY, NEVER BE CRAZY

‘Who?’ I said indignantly. ‘You’ve met someone else in the last two weeks? Who is she? How could you?’

‘I meant you. Look. Think of it from the guy’s point of view. Does she want me to call? Does she want to sleep with me?’

‘I know, I know, I do . . .’

‘Good, so . . .’ He started kissing me again. He was trying to pull me back on the bed now, with me sitting rather awkwardly on his thigh.

DON’T MAKE HIM FEEL CAGED

‘But,’ I burst out again, ‘if we have sex will you promise you’ll call me and see me again, or maybe we could actually arrange the next date now?! So we don’t have to worry about it!’

‘Look.’ For a second, I swear he couldn’t remember my name again. ‘You’re a great girl. I just don’t think you’re ready for this. I don’t want to feel responsible for upsetting anyone. Let me put you in a cab for tonight and, yes. I’ll call you.’

‘OK,’ I said miserably, then followed him, nodding mutely as he said his goodbyes. He put me in a taxi. I turned to wave and saw him going back off towards the party.

CREATE BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES

Caught a glimpse of myself in the taxi mirror. My hair was all messed up, I had the same Alice Cooper eyes with smudged mascara and deranged expression I had left him with in the Stronghold.

11.20 p.m.
Have just ended up creeping back into the house, so Chloe wouldn’t find out the date was a disaster.

Sunday 30 September 2012

133lb, minutes slept 0, pounds lost through stress and misery 2, pounds lost in parking/towaway fines 245.

5 a.m.
Have been awake all night. Am horrible failure, revolting, old and crap with men.

8 a.m.
Just attempted to creep out to get the car before it was towed away, only to be caught by Mabel, Billy and Chloe coming up from the kitchen to go to the park.

‘Mummy,’ said Billy, ‘I thought you’d gone away for the night.’

‘Didn’t go so well, then?’ said Chloe sympathetically, looking fresh-faced and perfect.

The car had been towed away and had to go to a hideous trough between the A40 and the main train line to Cornwall to pay more than Chloe’s wages for a week to get it back. Am so sad, the one time I found someone I liked, I completely messed it up. I’ll never find anyone again. I’m not only man-repellent, I’m incompetent. But maybe he’ll text. Or call.

Friday 5 October 2012

134lb, calls from Leatherjacketman 0, texts from Leatherjacketman 0.

9.15 a.m.
He hasn’t.

Monday 8 October 2012

130lb (wasting away, look old), calls from Leatherjacketman 0, texts from Leatherjacketman 0.

7 a.m.
He still hasn’t. Must throw self into work and get on with screenplay.

Tuesday 9 October 2012

Texts to Leatherjacketman 1, texts from Leatherjacketman 0, number of words of screenplay written 0, Dating Rules broken 2.

He still hasn’t.

IF HE PULLS AWAY, DON’T FIGHT IT. STEER INTO THE SKID

11 p.m.
Maybe I will text Leatherjacketman.

BE AUTHENTIC

2.30 a.m.
Me:

Wednesday 10 October 2012

Texts from Leatherjacketman 0.

No reply.

Friday 19 October 2012

Texts from Leatherjacketman 1, encouraging-in-any-way texts from Leatherjacketman 0, words of screenplay written 0.

10 a.m.
Leatherjacketman:

Saturday 27 October 2012

No communication from Leatherjacketman.

Sunday 28 October 2012

DO NOT TEXT AT ODD TIMES OF DAY OR NIGHT IN MANNER OF STALKER

5.30 a.m.
Maybe will text Leatherjacketman!

One soul reaching out to another, I thought, amid the smouldering remains of the silly old mess we’d accidentally created, like silly billies in the midst of a deep unbreakable connection: Leonardo da Vinci’s Adam reaching out, in that painting, for God’s fingertips.

Friday 2 November 2012

Possibilities of anything ever happening with male of species again 0.

11.30 a.m.
Text from Leatherjacketman.

And that was the end of that.

‘
You have to laugh about it,’ said Talitha. ‘Don’t let him have possession of your self-esteem. Or your sexual viability. Or anything.’

Clearly, however, something had to be done.

INTENSIVE DATING STUDY

Night after night, when the children were in bed, I studied, as if for an Open University course on how to get off with people. The children seemed to sense that a great project was in the works, and treated it with appropriate respect. Mabel, when she burst into my bedroom at midnight, clutching Saliva and saying she’d had a nasty dream, would whisper, ‘Exthcuthe me, Mummy, but a giant ant ith eatin’ my ear,’ whilst peeping respectfully from the tangle of hair, at the piles of epic tomes all over the bed. I did of course tweet as I went along, increasing my Twitter followers to a staggering 437.

Bibliography:

I started with my historical archive – the obvious classics from my thirties:

* Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus

* Finding the Love You Want

* Letting Love Find You

* What Men Want

* What Men Secretly Want

* What Men Really Want

* What Men Actually Want

* How Men Think

* What Men Think About When Not Thinking About Sex

But somehow it just wasn’t
enough
. I went on Amazon and there were seventy-five pages of dating self-help books to choose from.

* The Single Trap: The Two-step Guide to Escaping It and Finding Lasting Love

* The Three Most Successful Online Dating Profiles Ever

* Quadruple Your Dating

* It Takes All 5: A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding the Real One

* Make Him Beg to Be Your Boyfriend in 6 Simple Steps

* 100% Love: 7 Steps to Scientifically Find the True Love of Your Life

* Fearless Love: 8 Simple Rules That Will Change the Way You Date, Mate and Relate

* The Love Laws: 9 Essential Rules for Lasting, Loving Partnership

* 10 Dating Lessons from
Sex and the City

* Attraction Magnets: 12 Best Conversation Topics for Dating and Pickup

* 20 Rules of Internet Dating

* The Red Flag Rules: 50 Rules to Know Whether to Keep Him or Kiss Him Goodbye

* The 99 Rules of Online Dating

* The New Rules: The Dating Dos and Don’ts for the Digital Generation
(same authors as the original
Rules
)

* The Old Dating Rules
(different authors from the original
Rules
)

* The Unwritten Rules

* The Unspoken Rules

* The Spiritual Rules for Dating, Relating and Mating