Breaking Through (Atlanta #3) (30 page)

Jenna smiled shyly as she accepted the flowers. He insisted on checking the stitches on her abdomen. He was apparently satisfied with her progress and kissed her belly. Jenna could only giggle at his sweetness as he reached for the pile of gauze and tape from her table. He redressed the incision site like a pro.

"Now have a seat. I'm going to make sandwiches for dinner."

Jenna knew better than to protest so she complied with a smile and a thank you. She watched him work at the counter, seeming like a little kid trying hard to do everything just right.
 

"You don't have to be so nervous, Luke," she finally told him softly. "Let's have a good evening, ok?"

He grinned a small, guilty smile. "I'll try. This is, uh, probably going to be a long night."

"I don't think so," she said kindly. "This is us, remember?"

He nodded and wedged an apple for them to share. A glass of water for each rounded out the simple meal and he served them at the table.
 

"Thank you," Jenna said with a genuine smile. She took a bite of her sandwich and smiled at him. "This is really good. And, uh, I have a question for you…"

Luke looked up from his own sandwich, obviously a little concerned. "Already?"

Jenna chuckled. "Easy question."

"Ok," Luke replied warily.
 

"You said at the hospital you watched the accident happen. It didn't really register at the time…but how did you see it? You were there?"

Luke's shoulders slumped. "That's not an easy question, Jenna."

"It's not?"

"No, but I'll answer it anyway. I told you, I'm not hiding anymore."

Jenna took a deep breath. "Good."

Luke took a deeper breath but couldn't look at her. He put his sandwich down and spoke to the table top instead. "I was watching you. A lot. After I walked out I was a fucking mess, Jenna. I was pissed at myself for everything and I missed you so much. I worried about you because I saw how bad I hurt you when I left."

Jenna couldn't take another bite of her sandwich. "You were watching me?"

"I had to know if you were ok. I was waiting to see you smile, but all I saw was you sad everyday. It about killed me."

"That's sweet I guess…," Jenna spoke awkwardly, unable to figure out how to react to his confession.

"I didn't mean it to be creepy. I told myself I would stop as soon as I saw you smile. Then I would know were ok. I still loved you, Jen.
 
Then I saw you coming down the street and that fucking SUV plowed right into you. I've never been so scared in my life. Not even under fire in Afghanistan."

Jenna had absolutely no idea what to say. Luke was right: this was going to be a long night. "Luke…"

"You don't have to say anything, baby." He finally looked her in the eye. "This one's on me."

Jenna nodded. He reached across the table to take her hand. He pulled them both up to a standing position and hugged her tightly before he guided her to the couch. Neither would be able to eat at this point anyway. They each sat sideways on the couch to face each other, and Luke surprised Jenna by taking off his shirt.
 

"This is the only way I know how to do this with you, Jenna. You're the only one who's seen all of this," he breathed as he reached across to hold his bicep over his tattoo. "I know you've wondered. This is everything." He gestured toward his entire arm.

"Ok," Jenna nodded with another deep breath. "Can I ask?"

Luke nodded and reached for her hand. He pulled her closer to him and rested her fingertips along the lines of self-hatred permanently inked into his skin.

Jenna studied the pictures again, trying to figure out where to start. She traced over each one of the lines where the red ink faded into black. She rested her cheek on his strong bicep.
 

Luke was beyond terrified sitting there with Jenna, ready (but not really ready) to confess every last bit of his darkness to the only woman he'd ever loved. Exposing himself to the risk of disappointing her was horrifying.

When her fingers softly touched his arm, he tensed without meaning to.

"That's the deepest part of it, Jen," he said. "Blood spilled because of me, that's the red. It fades into the black because that's how I see myself. Dark."

Already he saw a tear gathering in her eye.
 

"You're not dark," she whispered.
 

"Just let me do this, ok? This is hard enough," he barely spoke.

She nodded again and traced the lines of his tattoo, unsure of what to ask next. But he knew. He knew what she needed to hear. The worst of his story would make the rest of the tattoo make sense. This was it.

He took her finger and led it to the subtle picture at the center of the tattoo. The picture was well hidden in the edge of the darkness at the base of his bicep, but it was there. The depiction of that cursed radio.
 

"This is it. This is where the darkness comes from," he almost whispered.

She looked up to his face and waited for him to say more. Neither of them seemed to be breathing. So sweetly and so hesitantly she brushed her thumb across the little hidden picture. The touch almost burned. He held her hand there against his arm gently.
 

"God, Jenna…"

"It's ok," she whispered. "Please tell me."

Luke took a deep breath and shook his head. "Fuck."

Jenna reached her hand up and rested her palm against his cheek. She offered him an encouraging kiss on his tattoo and he forced himself to talk. His angel was so beautiful. He hoped he could keep her.
 

So he told her. He told her the whole ugly story: his apathy in his service to his country, the shooting and killing of the enemy, and worst of all how he sent his friends to die. "I didn't stop them," he confessed again, his voice wavering with the depth of guilt he still carried.
 

He explained the initials of his dead friends hiding at the edge of a line of ink on his tricep. He explained the Farsi quote on his arm: an apology to the children of the enemy. The gravestone hidden in the dark ink of his wrist bore his own initials.
 

"Do you see this?" he asked as he pointed to a tiny detail on the gravestone. "That's the date of the explosion. The day I should have died."

This was even more than he'd told Marcus. A single tear dropped from his eye as he finished his story. He hadn't yet had the guts to look at her, because the look on her face would say everything. Either she'd accept him or she'd be disgusted by him. This was the moment he'd know if he could keep her. He desperately wanted to know, but he was terrified to find out.
 

Jenna inadvertently allowed a few silent tears fall from her eyes as she saw Luke broken from his confession. Didn't he realize his self-hatred was completely unnecessary? He wouldn't look at her. She wanted him to see her still loving him. His story only proved how deeply he cared. He couldn't have changed anything about that awful day across the world.
 

As for his apathy, she understood that, too. He couldn't be blamed for his immaturity seven years ago. Everyone grows up in their own time. He obviously learned from the indiscretions of his youth. He was a solid, strong, good man now. He needed to recognize that, and Jenna was so happy she could help show him. His darkness would be gone as soon as he forgave himself.
 

So, understanding how he "listened" best, Jenna stood up, keeping her hand on his tattooed shoulder the entire time. He still wouldn't look at her, but he didn't need to see her face to understand. She held him in place while she moved behind him and sat down again.
 

So softly, she eased the fingers of her good hand along the quote on his shoulder.
Forgiveness is the strongest form of love.
She traced those words again and kissed each word gently, then again more firmly.
 

"I forgive you," she whispered. "And I'll help you forgive yourself." She reached for a pen from the top drawer of her end table. She filled in the little broken heart at the end of the quote. He deserved love, and he needed to believe that.
 

"I love you," she whispered even more quietly.

Luke turned to face her, finally looking her in the eye. Torture, hurt, love, confusion, anger, thankfulness, and every other emotion in existence played out in his eyes. She reached her arms around him and pulled him into her embrace. His head rested down on her breast, and circled his arms around her. He held on for dear life.
 

Fighting hard to hold back her own tears, Jenna stroked his hair and rubbed his temple lovingly. She ran her fingers along the stubble of his chin and wiped a few tears from his eyes. She whispered her love to him again.
 

"Jenna…" he breathed, seeming to want to say something but unable to express what he was feeling.
 

"Don't worry Luke, I get it," she whispered as she had so many other times. And she
did
get it. She knew he understood. She accepted him even though he still didn't feel he deserved it. But still, he let her take some of the darkness from him, and let her light replace the self-hatred. Like he promised, he confessed everything. They had a real chance to stay together, stronger than they had ever been.
 

"I need to tell you one more thing," he finally whispered.
 

"Anything," Jenna said with love and honesty.

"I want to tell you exactly what my nightmares are. You know where they come from, but not how they play out."

Jenna continued to run her fingers along his short hair and down his tattooed arm. "Tell me," she whispered with love.
 

Luke took yet another deep breath. "Every time, every nightmare…I watch the truck explode. I watch my friends die over and over again, even though I never really saw it in person. Sometimes it's Sophie keeping me from the truck. Sometimes it's you. And in every fucking nightmare, I'm
happy
my friends are on that truck instead of me. It makes me sick. That terrifies me as much as the explosion. What kind of bastard is happy about that?"

"How can you do that to yourself? Being thankful you survived is human. No one wants to go off and get killed, Luke. Think about this: if you hadn't survived, Sophie wouldn't have a loving parent. I'd be by myself with no real strength. I think you're
my
angel. You came home for me. For Sophie. Can being here to take care of us be bad? You're allowed to be happy about being alive."

"It seems wrong."

"When you talk to the psychologist next week, I'm sure he'll agree with me," she said with love. "As a favor to me, will you start with there? So he can confirm it? You're
allowed to be happy
you survived. I'm so sorry your friends died, but I'm thankful you didn't."

"Jenna…if I let it all go, then I'm forgetting them. I can't fucking do that," he shook his head quietly.

"Oh, babe," she breathed. "That's just not true. But can you let it go tonight? Can you let yourself have some peace, even for a few hours?"

"I don't know how," he said, staring at the wall.

"Let me help you," she offered, kissing him on the head again. He still hadn't let go of his tight hold around her. "Stay with me tonight."

"You want me to stay?"

"I
need
you to."

Luke squeezed around her body tighter and Jenna winced from the still-healing surgery area. Luke immediately eased his embrace and worked very hard not to break down completely.
 

"I'm so sorry," he said in a wavering voice as he pulled away from her quickly. "Everything I do hurts you."

"No, Luke," she answered with quiet determination. "The only time you hurt me was when you walked out."

He left her embrace completely and dropped his head into his hands. He sat on the couch, the picture of masculine beauty and self-imposed isolation. Jenna's heart broke for him all over again. She tried to rest her hand on his arm, but he shrunk away from her.

"Don't…" he whispered.

"Yes, Luke. Let me touch you. We're going to be ok. Please? Hold still," she breathed. She reached out and touched him again. His entire body tensed, but he held himself still like she asked. Jenna got up to stand in front of him.

"I'm ok. You make me feel
better
. Stay with me, and trust yourself. Come on. Tonight we can let it all go and just be."

She motioned for him to stand up with her. And he did.
Thank goodness
. He looked at her so deeply she was suddenly overwhelmed by him again. He took her face in one hand and she leaned into his gentle touch. Softly and oh-so-slowly, he leaned down to kiss her. Immediately she was reminded of the beautiful kiss in the park on their first date. His touch was sweet; his passion controlled. His heavy emotion flowed directly into her.

He kissed her there for a long time. He held her gently and moved his lips softly with hers, caring for her so tenderly. When he finally moved from her mouth, he rested his forehead on hers, still with his eyes closed. "My angel," he breathed. "I love you."

"I love you, too," she softly returned, then took his hand and led him to her bedroom. Without another word, she awkwardly removed her clothes slowly. Luke moved in to gently help her. She undressed completely with the exception of her panties. Understanding her completely, Luke bared himself down to his boxers. They settled together in her bed peacefully and lovingly.
 

"Jenna, you're so beautiful," he said as he pulled her body carefully against his. Her back rested against the warmth of his strong chest and he draped his arm gently over her and pulled her in.. "I missed you. You feel so good in my arms again. I love you so much…
so fucking much
."

 
With a contented sigh, Jenna relaxed into his warm embrace. Feeling the heat of his skin on her body was so comforting. She couldn't remember a time when she'd been so happy…until he leaned down and kissed her ear so sweetly. Then she was even happier.