Bittersweet Deceit (17 page)

M
y dry mouth woke me up before my alarm was set to go off. I hadn’t consumed enough water the night before. After downing two Tylenol tablets and a full glass of water I decided to knock out some chores before meeting up with my dad. I started the coffee pot and gathered the supplies I needed from under the kitchen sink. I planned to start in the bathroom. My basket of laundry was getting full but I didn’t have enough time for the wash and a dry.

I flipped on the stereo in the living room and got busy. I sang while I cleaned to drown out the thoughts
threatening to surface. Bed made, bathroom scrubbed, carpet vacuumed, floors swept, refrigerator wiped out, order and cleanliness was once restored, at least externally.

I ate a quick breakfast, called the cab company
for a ride to my car, took a brief shower and dressed for my walk with my dad.




I parked near the racket
ball courts and searched for my father. Gathered around a grouping of tables set nearby, I found him playing chess.

He was a big guy in height and in girth. I got his genetic code instead of my mother’s petite stature. The similarities between Dad and I seemed to bother my mother early on.
I often wondered if that fueled my mother’s disenchantment with me.

Dad wore long
, beige shorts and a large, brown T-shirt. He stood up and embraced me in a warm bear hug, lifting my feet off the ground. “Gentleman, let me introduce you to my daughter, Lainie,” he said as he lowered me down. “She owns her own clothing boutique.”

After shaking several hands
I asked, “Would like to finish the game?”

“No, honey. They knew I
’d be leaving soon. Catch you next time Sal and count on me winning.”

“Wh
atever gets you through the day.” He laughed.

My dad patted him on the back
and waved to his friend George. Then we walked over to the boardwalk along Hollywood Beach.

Spending time with my
father worked as an elixir, which cured most of my ills, at least while I was in his presence.

“How’s my favorite daughter?” he said, taking hold of my hand.

“I’m your only daughter, Dad.”

“That doesn’t make you any less my favorite. Thanks for making time for your old man.”

I touched his belly and said, “You’re right, you’re looking good, Dad.”

“You, my love, look stressed. Are you sleeping okay?
”

I looked out over the ocean and then shielded my eyes from the sun to make eye contact with him. “I’m sleeping but I’m not okay.”

“Is this about Mason?”

“Mason and Stay.”

As we strolled side by side he said, “Stay, I think you’ve mentioned him before. He’s part of your group, right?”

“Yes
, Papa, he is.”

“And you like him?”

“I don’t know. I mean I do but I’m already involved in a relationship. I love Mason, even though I know it’s not ideal. My emotions are not like a faucet I can turn off.”

He stopped and turned to face me. “You’re in a relationship. You can’t just exchange one for the other.”

“Exactly. I just wish Stay and Jacqs understood that.”

He
started walking again and said, “I’m sure Jacqs wants what she thinks is best for you. What’s this Stay fellow like?”

“He’s a good guy. I realized recently that I really didn’t know him well before. He’s interesting, self-made, has overcome a bad past and is a gentleman for the most part. He’s also very pushy and assertive and thinks I should stop seeing Mason to see him.”

“Does Mason know about Stay?” he asked.

“Unfortunately. They crossed paths and Stay stated his intention to pursue me.”

My father smiled. “That’s ballsy. You have to give him credit for that.”

“I give him credit for causing problems in my relationship with Mason.”

“Honey, you know I love you and you know I’ll always be on your side, but Stay can’t cause problems where there are none.”

We walked silently for a few steps and then I said, “But if Stay hadn’t decided to chase me now, Mason and I wouldn’t have
had our first fight. And before then we hadn’t even argued.”

“Maybe that’s true, but if after all this time you’ve never had a disagreement, one or both of you aren’t being honest.”

“How do you mean?” I said, sidestepping a runner who passed by.

“No two people live so in sync that there aren’t issues to work out along the way, especially when one holds all the cards.”

“You mean Mason,” I said, biting my lower lip.

“Of course.”

I thought about seeing Mason on Tuesday and the minefield we still needed to cross. “I don’t know if Mason will even see me anymore.”

Looking surprised, he said,
“Why? What happened?”

“I let Stay kiss me.”

“Really?” he asked as if processing my new disclosure. “What kind of kiss?”

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it does, Lainie. And by the look on your face, it was definitely the kind that matters.”

We walked onto the sand to avoid the people gathered on Johnson Street in front of the stage.

Once back on the boardwalk on the other side, I asked, “Oh Dad, why couldn’t have Stay waited until I was free? This all could have been so different.”

“
I can’t fault Stay for his good taste. Why would he wait, honey? Men tend to go after what they want and damn the obstacles.”

I furrowed my brow.
“Well, he didn’t know about Mason at first but he did before we went out together.”

“
Interesting. So you had a date with Stay?” he asked with no judgment in the question.

“It wasn’t a date!”
I said, vehemently.

He chuckled and said, “Baby, did you go out with Stay, just the two of you?”

“Yes, to dinner and a concert.” I shrugged my shoulders.

“How is that not a date?”

“Because we’re just friends. You wouldn’t assume it was a date if I did the same with Jacqs.”

He turned me to face him and asked,
“Did you know he was interested in you at that point?”

“Well
... I, yes, but he had purchased tickets and I had already agreed to go.”

“Before you knew he was interested in you?”
he asked.

“
Well, no, I knew, but I made it clear I was interested in just friendship.”

He paused before responding
as we continued to stroll. “How do you feel about Stay now?”

I have never lied to my father, even if I sometimes lie
d to myself. I told him the truth. “I like him and maybe if the timing was different, it might have worked out. I don’t know. He’s all consuming and I feel stripped bare
and naked in front of him and I don’t particularly care for sensation. I don’t know how he managed to make it happen but I feel connected to him in a way I haven’t felt before.”

“And with Mason?”

“It’s completely different. It feels more staid and adult. I love him and I miss him every second we’re apart.”

“
Even when Stay kissed you?” he asked as we turned back the other way.

“Dad
!” I said, smacking his shoulder.

“Baby, I’m just trying to help you to see what’s in front of you so you can make your choices clean and clear.”

I gave in and answered him. “No, I didn’t think about anyone or anything while
we were kissing.”

“So what do you plan to do
now?”

“Beg Mason to forgive me for the kiss. The plus side of Stay’s pronouncement to Mason is that I have seen him more in the last week or so than ever before.”

“So he feels threatened.”

“Very.”

“How does that make you feel?”

I thought about it for a minute before responding. “Honestly, I like that he’s worried about losing me but I also don’t like the double standard.”

“Which is?”

“He goes home to his wife and yet he expects me to be monogamous.”

“Do you think he’s still having sex with his wife?” He held his arm out toward a bench facing the ocean.

After sitting down, I said,
“He won’t answer the question directly. He makes it sound like he and his wife are barely getting along. He said they are working on finding a place of friendship and will raise the kids together.”

“And divorce?”

“Not an option.”

He gazed out at the ocean and then looked back at me. “I hate to be the one to state the obvious and I understand completely that you are in love with him, but you’re thirty years old and I know you want a family. There is no future with him.”

“I know, Dad, truly I do. It’s just, I can’t let go. He’s so intelligent and worldly and frankly stunning.”

“And good in bed, I imagine.”

“Dad!” I pushed into him with my shoulder.

He chuckled. “So what are you going to do about Stay?”

“I told him not to wait for me.”

“So you’ve decided.”

“Yes. Now I just have to wait to see if Mason will forgive me.”

Dad threw his arm over my shoulder and held me against him. We sat quietly, watching the waves roll in. Surrounded by his warm, caring energy, I couldn’t help being reminded of Stay.

My phone going off thankfully knocked the thought out of my head.

“Hey
, girl, can you come by?” Jacqs asked.

“Are you still at Bond’s?”

“No, my apartment.” Her voice wavered.

“Are you okay?”

“No.”

“I’m on my way.” I stood up and said, “That was Jacqs.”

My Dad took my hand and we headed back toward my car. “Thank you for the lovely walk, baby girl.”

“Thank you for listening to me.”

“And for my sage advice,” he said with a warm smile.

“Yes, that too,” I said, peering up and smiling back.

“Your mother and I will be out of town next weekend for a wedding of one of her friend’s son. Be happy you’re not being dragged along.”

“Hang in there,
daddio. I’m sure it won’t be too bad. Shall we shoot for a walk the week after that?”

“Yes, lets.”

We embraced and he rocked me back and forth before letting me go. “Please stay in touch. You know where to reach me.”

“I know, Dad. I love you
lots.”

“I love you more.”



It
took me about seven minutes to get to Jacqs from Hollywood Beach.

“Hey
, girl,” I said, knocking on her apartment door.

She pulled the door open, tears pouring down her
cheeks.

Her cute one bedroom apartment had a different warm color on each of the walls in the combined kitchen living room. Her pictures and paintings
were no longer displayed. I followed her over to her comfy brown couch and sat down.

“
What going on?” I asked. “I thought you were staying over Bond’s last night.”

“It’s stupid.”

“Tell me anyway,” I said, patting the cushion next to me.

She plo
pped down and said, “Last night was great at first. I loved being with Bond. He was very attentive and I didn’t feel jealous once, which is some kind of miracle for being at the club.”

“Totally. So what changed?”

“After he got off work, we went up to his place and had amazing sex. Some hardcore stuff he’s wanted to try. I’ll spare you the details.”

“Thank you. It’s appreciated. Go on.”

She shifted and pulled her legs in, wrapping her arms around them. “I swear I felt closer to him than I ever have, even more so than in the very beginning of our relationship. When I got ready for bed, my toothbrush wasn’t there and another hung in its place.”

“Oh fuck,” I said.
“Seems we’re both swimming in the deep end.”

“
Totally and I know I have no right to be mad or hurt.
He’s followed our agreements. He hasn’t brought anyone over to Red’s and keeps his dalliances to his place. However, to me a toothbrush means more than a one night stand.”

“Right. So
did you ask him?”

“I came out of the bathroom waving the toothbrush and said, ‘What the fuck is this?
’ He said, ‘I’m sorry, I forgot to put yours back out,’ all nice and calm. Then my anger spewed out, ‘Who the fuck is she?’ and he tried to hold me and calm me down but I’d have none of it.”

“Why did you come here and not go home to Red’s?”