Big Girls Do It Married (7 page)

Jamie was conspicuously silent, staring through the tiny hole in the lid of her cup at the dregs of her mocha.
 

"You'll find him, Jay," I said, quietly, laying my hand over hers. "Just stop looking for a while. Just be content being you. Go without sex for a few months. When you find the right guy, it'll be that much more amazing."

"A few
months
? I can't go a few
days
, Anna. I'd die. I'd be a cranky bitch." She curled her lip in disgust. "God, what does that say about me? Am I a nympho? I am, aren't I? I'm an actual nymphomaniac A sex addict."

"You are not. You're just trying to fill the hole in your heart with sex, like I do with food. It won't work, though. That's what I'm learning."

"Why are we talking about me?" Jamie said. "Shut up about me. I'll be fine. So what did you do?"

"I met Chase for lunch the next day and told him I'd give him a chance to explain, but that it wouldn't change anything. So he went and tried to get me to marry him anyway. He was charming and convincing and totally Chase. And it was confusing as hell. He gave me a ring, and he told me to think about it. I went home and cried my eyes out, and then Jeff showed up."

"What did he do?"

"He...he reminded me why I'm so completely in love with him. He didn't push me on his proposal at all. He didn't even bring it up. He knew I was upset, and he comforted me. He let me talk about what was bugging me, and he actually listened, even though it was about him and Chase. He...he's so much more than I can ever deserve. He always thinks about me first. He told me he loved me enough to let me go, if I decided I wanted to be with Chase instead. He just wanted me to be happy."

"He said that?" Jamie seemed choked up at the idea, though she kept it under control.

"Yeah. He just held me, let me talk, let me cry. When a guy knows whether to just hold you and let you cry or talk to you and try to make it better, you know he really knows your heart."

"And Jeff knows you like that?"

"Yes, he does."

"So is that when you knew?"

I shook my head. "No. I knew when I couldn't imagine a day without him in it. I knew when making love to him wasn't just a physical thing anymore. It was an all of me thing."

Jamie slipped the cardboard sleeve off the paper cup and started ripping it into pieces, not looking at me. "Sounds great."

"Jamie—"

"No, seriously. I'm happy for you. Jealous as hell, I don't mind admitting." She finally met my eyes. "If you fuck this up with Jeff, I swear I will kill you."

"I know. Believe me, I know."

"So you said yes to Jeff?"

"Yeah. Last night. I saw Chase today. I got back from talking to him just before you did."

"So you told Chase no, then?" Jamie asked. I nodded. "How did he take it?"

"Not well. Not well at all. I mean, how do you take something like that? Is there a good way?" I ripped the tag from the tea bag between my fingers and added it to the pile Jamie was making with the cup sleeve. "He argued. He protested. He was mad."

"Can you blame him? You're amazing. And you didn't really give him a chance, did you?"

I shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I'm convinced it wouldn't have worked. I love Jeff. I belong with Jeff."

"So did Chase go back to New York?"

"I don't know. I'm assuming so."

Silence for a bit, then, "So when is the wedding?"

I laughed. "I
 
don't know. We haven't exactly discussed any of that yet. I just told him yes last night, and I haven't seen him yet today. He's helping a buddy move. We're going out later."

Jamie nodded and stood up, scooped our trash into her empty cup, and threw it away. "Well, like I said, I'm glad for you. I'll help you plan your wedding when you're ready. Just...be smart, okay? I love you too much to watch you mess this up."

"What's that mean?" I asked, irritated. "Why do you keep thinking I'd mess this up?"

She shrugged. "Because we're alike. And I'd totally mess it up."

"Give yourself more credit, Jay. And me."

She laughed as she closed her bedroom door. "Credit where credit is due, Anna. You nearly did mess it up, you know." She opened the door again, poked her head out, and said, "If Chase shows up again, just say no. And then send him my way."

I just sighed at that. She was incorrigible.

I took a shower and spent a long time doing my hair and makeup for my date with Jeff later that night. I was still wrapped in a towel, not having decided on what to wear, when the door buzzed. I was expecting Jeff, so I didn't even think twice about hitting the buzzer and opening my apartment door. My towel was loosely wrapped around my chest, a toothbrush in my mouth as I held the door open. Expecting Jeff, I started to loosen the towel, thinking I would give him a surprise before we left. The thought had my juices flowing, anticipation of Jeff's hands on me, his lips on me.
 

Chase clumped in his shit-kicker boots into the entryway. Shock hit me like a bolt of lightning. I started to close the door in his face, simply out of self-preservation. His eyes were dark with desire, his hands shoved into the pockets of his tight leather pants, stubble smeared across his face and scalp. His face was twisted with a haze of emotion, and I felt the familiar rush of uncontrollable desire for him pierce through me, riding the heat of my already aroused hormones.
 

He took a step toward me, and then another. I backed up one step, but then he caught me in his strong arms and crushed me against him.

Conflict warred in me. I struggled with my desire, with guilt, struggled against his implacable strength.

And then he kissed me, and I was lost.

CHAPTER 3

My head swirled, whirled, skirled. Lunacy and madness boiled in my brain, heat moved within me in convection circles of desire, clouding my heart and body.
 

I pushed against him, or I thought I did. I intended to, meant to. But somehow I was moving into the living room, the back of my thighs bumping against the edge of the couch. I moaned, meaning to say "no," but all that emerged from between our locked lips was the moan. It sounded, even to me, all too much like encouragement. My body was betraying my heart and mind. I knew this was wrong. I didn't even
want
this. Not really. I didn't love Chase.

But his lips burned against mine, his tongue explored my mouth, my gums and teeth and tongue. His hands were branding my arms, sliding down to the damp towel, touching the swell of my hips and then up the silk of my thighs.
 

No, no, not this, not like this
. My thoughts were fragments of denial.
 

I lifted my hands to his chest and pushed, pushed,
pushed
. He didn't budge. He only kissed me harder. His fingers brushed the dip of my hip where leg met pubic bone. So close, and I knew all too well how much fire he could spread in my body with a single finger.

No!
The word wouldn't come out.
 

His hand slipped up my front, spreading the edges of the towel apart to reveal my skin, my belly, my breasts, and then the wet terrycloth was falling down around me and I was bare to the air, my breasts crushed against the cotton of his black T-shirt, my pussy brushing against the supple leather of his pants, his erection hard against my belly.

Fingers brushed the bottom of one breast, traced a circle around my nipple, traitorously erect. I forced my body to remain still, to not arch into his touch.
 

I heard footsteps on the stairs. The front door was wide open. Anyone walking by could see me, naked, clutched to Chase, lips locked in a kiss.
 

If Jeff sees me like this, he'll never forgive me.
 

The thought provided enough impetus to rip away from Chase. I pushed with all my strength against him, stumbled backward, tripping over my towel.

"No!" The word scraped past my throat, a ragged denial. "No, Chase! I'm not with you. I can't do this. I don't
want
to do this. Go. Just...go."

I crouched, one arm across my breasts, the other across my privates, to lift my towel and wrap it awkwardly around me. Chase had seen me naked, making a mockery of my modesty, but to me it was a gesture of refusal.

"Anna, please, I know you said we weren't right for each other, but I couldn't just leave, not without—"

"Barging into my home and jumping me?" I was angry, now, embarrassed. I couldn't see past Chase's broad shoulders, but I felt a presence beyond him. "The door is wide open, Chase. Do you even
care
what I want?"

"But we've been together before, in other places—"

"That's
over
, Chase.
We
are over." Anger was quickly ebbing away, stealing my strength. "You need to leave. Please. Just leave."
 

Chase didn't move. He just stood there staring at me, eyes wavering, alternating between the hard anger of rejection and the soft hurt of love denied. He took a step toward me, and I backed away.

I heard Jamie's door open behind me, but I didn't turn to look at her. I heard a foot shuffle on the carpet behind Chase. I squeezed my eyes closed in a vain, wishing for none of this to have happened. I could feel Jeff's anger, even without seeing him. It was a palpable force.

I stepped to the side, and there was Jeff, dressed in pressed khakis and a crisp white button-down, sleeves rolled up to just beneath the elbow. His brown hair was getting longer, enough to run my fingers through, and his dark brown eyes were blazing.

"Jeff, it's not what you—"

"Shut up, Anna," he said, his voice calm and deadly quiet. He turned his eyes to Chase. "I'll give you one chance to walk the fuck away before I break you in half, pretty boy."

Chase seemed to swell up, get bigger. His fists clenched. I knew what was coming, and I had to stop it.

"No!" I stepped forward, pushing Chase between the shoulder blades. "Just go, Chase! Get the fuck out! Go! I don't want you here!"

Chase turned to me. "Anna, I'm sorry, I just—"

The anger in Jeff's eyes—directed at me, it seemed—spurred me to scream, "
GO
!"

Chase's face closed down, turned hard and impenetrable. He spun on his heel and stalked past Jeff, who closed his eyes, fists trembling, jaw clenched, as if it was taking all his restraint to keep his hands to himself.
 

Chase paused with one foot on the stair, then turned back. "This was all me, Jeff," he said. "This wasn't her. Don't be mad at her." Then he was gone.
 

Jeff's eyes flicked to me, taking in the towel clutched to my breasts, hanging down my front so my bare hips peeked out from the sides of the towel.
 

I heard Jamie's soft footfalls behind me, then she was in front of me, as if to shield me. I backed up, bumped against the wall and slid down to my bottom, letting the towel pool over my lap.

"Jeff, he just showed up, okay?" Jamie said. "He took her by surprise. Don't—"

"Give us a minute, Jamie, will you?"

"Jeff—"
 

"It'll be fine. I'm fine. She's fine. We're fine. Just...go make sure he's gone, okay?"
 

Jamie searched Jeff's face, seemed to see something that satisfied her, and left, closing the door behind her.

Jeff turned to me, and suddenly his face was soft once more, the anger gone. He crouched in front of me, lifted the towel to cover me. He took my hands and lifted me to my feet. Adrenaline had been rushing through me, but it abandoned me right then, and my knees buckled. Jeff caught me, lifted me effortlessly, carried me into my room, closed the door behind us with his heel, and set me on the bed. The towel covering me slipped once more as I fell back against the pillow, and Jeff tugged the sheet up over me.

The bed dipped as he sat beside me, brushing my hair out of my face. "Everything is okay, Anna," he said. "I saw what happened."

"What'd you see?" I could barely muster a whisper.

"I came up the stairs and saw your door standing open. I panicked for a second. I worried someone had broken in, but then I saw pretty—I saw Chase kissing you. I saw red, and I nearly lost it. I wanted to rip him apart."

"He just showed up," I said. "I thought it was you coming up. I had just gotten out of the shower, so I was in my towel. I was...I was thinking we could...you know, before we went to dinner so I was...turned on. I was thinking about you. I wanted you. And then it was him, and he didn't even say anything. He just walked in the open door and kissed me. I didn't want him to kiss me, I swear. It took me by so much surprise that I couldn't think. And...I honestly do have this automatic reaction to him. I know you'll probably think it's bullshit, but it's like this instinctive reaction, and I can't control it. I just...can't think."

Jeff's mouth opened, but I spoke over him.

"I tried to stop it right away, but I couldn't—"

"Did he force you?" Jeff asked. The anger in his eyes flared up again.

"No, not like that. No. He didn't hurt me, and he would have stopped. He did stop, when I managed to get myself together and tell him to. I don't know why—I can't—"

"I get it, Anna." He took my hands in his, tugged me toward him. "I saw. You pushed him away. I heard what you said."

"You're not mad at me?" I was suddenly shaking, terrified, even though he was still here holding my hands, that he'd leave me. "I heard your footsteps on the stairs, and I—I knew if you saw him kissing me, you'd—you'd leave, you wouldn't love me."

Jeff pulled me to my feet and pressed our bodies together, holding the sheet in place. "I love you. I admit, when I first saw you guys like you were, I did think you'd chosen him after all. I was set to walk away."

"Jeff, I don't know what it is with him. I know I'm not in love with him.
 
And I didn't want him to kiss me. But when he did, I still felt...I don't know how to put it—"

Jeff cut me off. "Anna, you had a thing with him. He's a good-looking guy. I can see how he'd be exciting to be around, I really do. Don't like to think about you with him, but I can see it."