Beyond My Control: Forbidden Fantasies in an Uncensored Age (25 page)

As for the flashing man, an unsettling moment, that’s a differ- ent matter. It isn’t just the sight of a flasher’s penis that upsets us but that he has captured our eye and, for a moment, held it. He has involved us in this nasty act. Forced us to mentally participate. A woman feels insulted, afraid, angry. Is the anger because the flasher’s penis isn’t big enough, beautiful enough? No, he’s forced us out of our state of innocence, the state where we have mother’s approval, leaving the unintended voyeur with a little nightmare of a scene she’s unlikely to forget. As for the flasher, getting a fright- ened, angry reaction from a woman says “I am powerful!”

The flasher is a man who feels inadequate, doesn’t measure up in his own eyes. By grabbing a woman’s attention and causing an emotional avalanche, he feels powerful. It is a form of visual rape. Once, when I was a little girl, a man flashed his penis at me. I was terrified.

Before going online, Joyce felt she was one of the only women who enjoyed looking at the naked male body. Joyce had the

frightening experience of having men expose themselves to her. However, her fantasies of looking at a handsome guy “strip and masturbate for me, is very hot—the hotter he gets, the more excited I get because the more I feel in control.”

Roz

One of the changes i heartily embrace is women’s voyeuristic fantasies of watching their men masturbate. Roz, a young housewife and mother, scoffs at the idea that women are the exhibitionists.

My husband is the focal point of most of my fantasies. I love to think about him masturbating. I once walked into the bathroom while he was in the shower. The shower door is frosted glass, and I could tell he was beating off. He was embarrassed when he realized I was there, but I was incredibly turned on by it. Once I told him that, he relaxed. And now the bathroom door is always wide open when he showers.

In one of my fantasies, I imagine it’s late at night, and I wake up to realize my husband isn’t in bed with me. I hear noises in the living room and quietly creep out to see what’s going on. He’s lying on the couch, naked, watching a dirty movie. He doesn’t notice me standing there, and I watch as he softly strokes his penis, almost teasingly, until he can’t stand it anymore. I’d also like it if he had a wet dream while I was lying next to him in bed awake.

Unlike the women who loathe feeling unnecessary, a terrifying emotional state if you’re dependent, Roz doesn’t mind knowing that other women turn on her husband. She loves that he is so

sexual that he masturbates. It implies that women are getting more sexually secure, a profound coming of age for women. This is what men used to say about watching women masturbate— loud and clear, it said that they love sex.

When men had all the power—money—and women took care of home and family, a successful man “wore” his lovely wife as a token of his professional standing. His wife spent his money to beautify herself and/or their children and home. There was little sexual content in his display, and whatever subliminal pleasure this picture might convey, its roots were conventional.

Women, and men, may have gone in droves to see an almost- naked Douglas Fairbanks or Johnny Weissmuller, but sexual gratification from seeing these bare-chested movie stars wasn’t taken seriously. There weren’t shades-of-gray distinctions. It was absolute that we women weren’t interested in watching erotica. Is it a coincidence that once we could pay the rent, women be- came watchers? Which, of course, we’d always been.

Charlotte

I’m a twenty-four-year-old receptionist and lead a relatively normal life. But I’m a very creative person with an active imagination. I fantasize about living in the Golden Age of Greece. My king and I are constantly in comfort, being caressed by both male and female slaves. The slaves often fight over who bathes him, being he is so incredible in every way. His eyes are closed as the women run their soapy hands over his long, lean body. My desire for him rises to a high degree of heat. The longer I watch him, the more my desire grows. I
must
have that beautiful penis inside me!

The other shoe has dropped—and about time. Being the voyeur is a far more active role than women’s traditional pose. And it’s good for men to feel themselves taken in, rolled around in women’s eyes,
seen
. It seems unhealthy that half the human race wasn’t looked at and admired as objects of beauty for so many years. It led to a lot of envy. Men had to get themselves seen through achievement, the beautiful women on their arms, being the king of the home. It taught that it was appropriate to be rude to women on the street, releasing their envy by staring, whistling, catcalling. It still goes on, al- though not as much, unless you’re part of the female crowd at a Chippendales performance.

Perhaps women still don’t pay for as much pornography as men, but is that because they are less interested or does fear of the “bad girl” image still carry over today? The fact is, more women are paying for pornography than ever. One of the more interesting new parallels between male and female voyeurs is a woman’s fantasy of watching two men having sex.

Brooke

I’m a graduate student getting my master’s degree and don’t know why I have the fantasies that I do. I find that I am very attracted to gay men and gay sex (male only). Most, if not all, of my fantasies involve two men having sex. I also fantasize about men being spanked. Until I went online and found out that many other women shared this with me, I felt like I was the only one.

Most of my fantasies also involve one of the men being a father figure to a younger one. Here is one of them: A young man is watching TV on the couch. Enter an older man, possibly a friend of the family. He has come to the house because a snowstorm has prevented him from making it back to his house. They are alone in the house for the remainder of the storm. As the day goes on, feeling a little frisky, the younger man starts to wrestle with the older man. They both enjoy pouncing on each other when all of a sudden, the younger man becomes too violent. The older man gets angry and yells for the other to stop. He puts him on the floor and reprimands him. The young man mimics the other and receives a slap in the face. He starts to cry and begs to be let go. Once free, he pushes the older man to the floor and runs to his bedroom. The older man runs after him and demands that he apologize. When he refuses, the older man grabs him and pulls off his clothes. He tells him that he is going to get the strap for talking back. The older man takes off his belt while pushing the younger man facedown on the bed. He starts to whip his naked bottom with the strap. The young man cries out in pain and begs for the other to

stop. The older man tells him he needs to learn some respect.

Later that evening, the older man comes into the young man’s room again. The young man is still crying from being spanked so hard. The older man comforts him by sitting next to him and stroking his head. This eventually turns into something more sexual. They both start to hug and kiss each other. The younger man takes the other’s penis in his mouth and sucks it until he is good and hard. The older man then positions him bent over the edge of the bed. He then enters him after pouring body oil on his penis and massaging some over the younger man’s bottom and anus. He starts to pump faster and faster. This goes on for quite some time. They both start to yell and scream in complete joy. They both ejaculate at the same time and fall to the bed, completely exhausted. Meanwhile, the storm continues outside the window. This is one of my favorite fantasies.

We are in high flux sexually. Where men and women are concerned, there are no longer any absolutes. Economically, professionally, we are inkblots, spreading, merging. Thirty-five years ago, it was rare to come across women fantasizing about two men having sex. Julia, who is thirty, like many women now, loves to masturbate to gay porn sites. Even offline, she fantasies watching “two guys doing it.” Sometimes, she enters the fantasy as a guy or—why not?—“a sleazy goddess.”

We understand that many men are aroused at the sight of women lying in one another’s arms. It’s nice to see that women are now finally secure enough to partake in the fun. Unfortu- nately, I’m from the old school. When I try watching two men having sex, what I feel is “left out.” Much as I love my gay male friends, I wouldn’t want to see them having sex. It is not because I’m repulsed by them—far from it. It is because I know that I will be on the outside looking in.

It’s good to see young women today, like Brooke, Julia, Alicia, have moved past this feeling, forging ahead.

alicia

alicia, a law student in love with a gay man, fantasizes watching the object of her desire fuck another man.

I realize it’s pathetic, but if I can’t have him in reality, I’ll join him and my rival in a fantasy threesome. I met my husband in college, and mostly because of parental pressure, we got married. The marriage unraveled quickly, and I stopped fantasizing about him. Then, I met

Gary, another law student. We hit it off immediately, and I was very attracted to him, even though I was married and there didn’t seem to be much hope. Eventually, I decided to separate from my husband, and fantasies of Gary looked like they were going to come true. He was very attentive to me. This pattern continued for a full year, until a month ago, when he finally told me that the problem was he’s gay.

From a fantasy point of view, all this puts me in a quandary. I want to
stop
fantasizing about him because it only makes it worse. I know him so well that I can even imagine how his face looks when he cums. It excites me to imagine a man doing this to him because I know that’s what he likes. I want him to gaze at me and be excited that he could do that to me.

I spy on Gary as he sleeps on his back on a deserted beach in the sun. His body is oiled, and he is wearing black shorts and sunglasses. Our mutual friend, Mort, whom I know Gary would not be averse to fucking and who may be gay or bi (for all I know), comes along and catches me watching Gary. I tell Mort I was just waiting for Gary to wake up so that I’d have someone to swim with. Mort says he’ll swim with me, and as we enter the water, we start pushing each other around and laughing. Eventually, the playing becomes sexual, and we fling our wet bathing suits onto the shore next to Gary, who wakes up and sees us but doesn’t move. Mort touches me sensuously, running his hands over my ass and breasts. The whole time, I’m keeping an eye on Gary, watching him, waiting to see if I get a reaction. I take Mort’s hard, wet penis in my hands, and he groans. We continue exploring each other slowly, still in the water.

Eventually, we move to drier land. I keep looking over to see if Gary has noticed us. His sunglasses hide his gaze, and he isn’t moving, but a large bulge fills his shorts. Mort and I are on a towel some distance from Gary, and Mort goes down on my pussy, kissing and nibbling my clit,

making me moan. Finally, Gary can’t stand it and comes over to where we are, naked and with his prick in his hand, rubbing slowly. We invite him to lie down with us, and he gives us each a kiss (this is not a problem for Mort in my fantasy!). We all get tangled up together, me and these two men I care about. The fun doesn’t end until I have given them each a blow job and then Gary fucks me while Mort fucks him in the ass.

I have seen them suck each other’s pricks and swallow the other’s load while I contentedly masturbate and attend to any parts of their bodies which need special attention.