Between Before and After (6 page)

Max walked along the sand slowly, can of beer in his hand. He thought he could do this, he really did. He thought that being here would be manageable, that being around everyone would make it easier, not harder. He took a swig of beer, as if it would wash away the uncertainty. He had over-estimated the simplicity of it. He had walked right into this and now he was stuck. He couldn’t just make a flimsy excuse and disappear now, no matter how miserable he felt – and he felt pretty damn miserable. 

Everyone seemed to be moving on from Danny’s death except him. Why was he so stuck in the past? Why couldn’t he get over this like they had? What the hell was stopping him? He felt the frustration building up inside him until he wanted to scream.

Telling stories about Danny’s past escapades had been okay – fun, even. He liked to think of Danny like that, the way he was. It helped to drive away the images in his head of Danny lying on the floor, covered in blood and worse. He thought that if he concentrated on the good times, he would be able to get through these few days. How wrong he had been.

First it had been Finn driving the Monaro. That flashback had been bad enough. Then it was fishing off the jetty, something Danny had loved and been good at. The fact that they didn’t catch anything was a sign, as far as he was concerned. What had capped it all off was Kate setting that extra place at the table. Why did she have to do that? Why did she need another sign that he was missing? Didn’t she feel it keenly enough already? He could tell just by the look on her face as she stared at the empty chair that she did. Why did she do that to herself? Maybe she thought they all needed a reminder?

He huffed out a frustrated breath and paused in front of the rickety wooden boat shed. Taking another swig of beer, he pulled the wooden cross-bar off its mounting and dropped it on the sand. The doors swung open immediately, the damp, musty smell rushing out at him. He pushed one of the doors open wider, peering inside in the failing light. The old dinghy stared back at him, a further reminder of days gone by. His eyes slowly grew accustomed to the darkness. A selection of beach toys hung out quietly at the back of the shed, just as always. It was as if they were waiting for something. Or someone.

He sat down on the edge of the dinghy, taking another long sip from the can in his hand. He was alive, but he felt like he was bleeding to death. He could feel the life leaking out of him, one drop, one day, at a time. He didn’t know how to stop it. What would happen when the last drop, the last day, was gone? What would he be then? Was there something between alive and dead, between before and after?

“Cards!” Finn announced triumphantly about an hour later. “Last Card - I’m feeling lucky.”

“Strip Poker.”

“Max!”

“What?” he belched. “You said we should play a game.”

“What are you, twelve?” Lacey laughed.

“Where’s the deck?” Gavin hunted around in the bookshelf in the living room, pushing Monopoly, Cluedo and Yahtzee aside.

“I’m not playing Strip Poker with you bunch of reprobates,” Lacey said, getting up off the couch and giving Gavin’s bum a gentle slap on her way to the kitchen. “And I’m sure Kate agrees.”

“I’m with you, sister from another mister.” Kate held her glass aloft, winking.

“More wine?” Lacey grabbed the bottle from the fridge and brought it back with her.

“Now that you’ve made a super special effort to bring the bottle with you? Okay.”

“Okay to Strip Poker?”

Kate rolled her eyes at Max. “Okay to
wine.
No-bloody-way to Strip Poker.”

“Aw, don’t be shy - you’re amongst friends.” Max winked up at Kate from his place on the floor, sprawled on the orange, shag-pile rug in front of the fireplace.

Lacey refilled both their wine glasses then set the almost-empty bottle down on the coffee table in front of them, settling back into one of the long, comfortable sofas. 

“No bloody cards,” Gavin announced disgustedly, collapsing into the sofa beside Lacey and drawing her in close. “They’ve disappeared. We’ll have to think of something else to do.”

“Spin the bottle!” Max chuckled, deftly ducking out of the way as Lacey lobbed an empty beer can in his general direction.

“Jeez, watch it! You came within a kilometre of me, there.”

Gavin smiled, reaching for his beer off the coffee table.

“Done,” Finn said, closing the lid to the old radiogram in the corner and walking over to collapse on the sofa next to Kate. “And if you have any complaints about the music, you can take them to Nina and Jim. I did the best I could with what I had.”

The Beatles
‘Drive My Car’
filled the room and he grinned.

“Rubber Soul?” Lacey asked, spying the album cover lying on the floor next to the radiogram.

“Never any complaints about The Beatles,” Gavin nodded sagely.

Max proceeded to sing loudly along to the music.

“Oh my God - my ears are bleeding.” Lacey grimaced.

Max took another sip of his beer, then resorted to humming loudly instead.

“We have this one, at home,” Kate said, indicating the radiogram with her glass. She quickly corrected herself. “I mean, it’s Danny’s, from his collection.”

“Do you still have all his vinyl?” Finn asked.

“Yeah. I didn’t know what to do with it. Nina and Jim didn’t want it, so I just kept it.”

“You could probably sell it?” Finn suggested. “Some of those albums might be worth a bit.”

“I suppose I could.”

“Do you listen to them?” Lacey asked.

“Sometimes.”

They fell silent for a few minutes, listening to the music. Kate took another sip of wine before resting the glass on her knee. She was curled up at the other end of the sofa and yet she seemed so far away. Finn sipped his beer, eager to supress the itch he was too afraid to scratch. Glancing over at Gavin and Lacey, curled up together on the other sofa, he was overcome with jealousy. He wanted that. He wanted it with Kate, and he wanted her to want it with him.

Where did that come from? Immediately, he wondered if he was drunk. He must be, to even be thinking that way. Oh God. It’s New Years all over again. Warning, Will Robinson – warning!

Kate was staring straight out the window, into the half-light of early evening. The sky was alive with threads of purple and pink as the sun set over the hills across the bay.

“Y’know, I think I might take another swim before bed,” she said quietly, standing up and setting her glass down on the coffee table.

“You okay chickie?” Lacey stared up at her from the sofa.

Kate smiled, but Finn could see she was upset.

“I’m fine. Just feel like taking a dip. Won’t be long.” She straightened her t-shirt as she headed towards her bedroom.

The music swirled around them, but the upbeat tempo suddenly seemed grossly out of place. A few minutes later, Finn caught sight of her, wrapped in a towel, heading along the deck and down the steps.

“I’m never gonna learn when to keep my big mouth shut, am I?” he groaned, running a hand down his face. “What an idiot.”

“It was a valid point,” Gavin argued. “She hangs onto all this shit when she probably should be letting it go. It’s not healthy.”

“She’ll do it when she’s ready,” Lacey said gently. “She’s just not ready yet.”

“Yeah, just like she’ll move out of that damn house when she’s ready. How can she stay there, after what happened? The place gives me the bloody creeps.” Finn shuddered.

“I tried to talk to her about that again at New Years,” Lacey said. “I didn’t quite understand what she was getting at, but it seems to me like she feels close to Danny there. She said sometimes she can feel him, like he’s watching over her. I think she’s just afraid of making that final, big move – of letting go. I guess when she’s ready to move on, she will. It’s not our call to make.”

Finn’s heart raced. Maybe he had misread the situation at New Years – maybe they had both just had too much to drink? It was New Years. Everyone gets drunk at New Years. His head spun as he tried to recall everything that had happened between them since – texts, phone calls, emails. Had he been looking for signs that weren’t there?

Max got up off the floor, staggering slightly. “Another beer?”

Finn shook his head. “Nah, I’m good.”

“Me too,” Gavin echoed.

Max headed out through the French doors along the deck and Gavin’s eyebrows shot up. “See what I mean?” he said, keeping his voice low.

Finn watched as Max made his way along the deck towards the beer fridge. “Do you think he’s still having nightmares about…y’know?”

“I’d say so.” Gavin frowned.

Finn watched Max through the window as he closed the fridge door and made his way back along the deck to the French doors, his steps not as sure and steady as they had been.

“He seemed okay earlier, didn’t he?” Lacey asked hopefully.

The Beatles sang in the background, but her question remained unanswered.

Kate floated on her back, staring up at the sky. The sun was still setting and the gathering dark suited her mood. Finn was right – she should probably sell Danny’s vinyl collection. She didn’t listen to it nearly as often as she used to. Selling it just felt wrong, somehow – as if she were pushing Danny away, throwing the things he loved after him. It felt so final. She wasn’t sure she was ready for ‘final’ yet. ‘Final’ meant ‘the end’ – the end of one chapter of her life, the beginning of the next one. What would the next chapter hold? Would it be better or worse than this one?

She turned over onto her stomach, keeping herself afloat with her arms. The water temperature seemed warmer now. It was refreshing, like a cool bath. The setting sun had taken the heat of the day with it, and the difference between the air and the water temperature seemed minimal. She began swimming slowly towards the pontoon that floated in the middle of the bay.

Memories – that was all she had left now. That was one of the reasons she had stayed in the house she and Danny had shared. She still saw him there, sometimes – as if an echo of his former self had been left behind. She would glance up and swear she saw him walking past the doorway out of the corner of her eye, as if she had just missed him. It was comforting. She had tried to explain it to Lacey at New Years, but she wasn’t sure she had been able to make her understand. She didn’t know if she understood it herself most of the time. It was just a feeling, and lately she had been noticing it less and less.

If she moved out of the house, would she lose what was left of Danny? That was one of the reasons she hadn’t made a decision about the new job. Taking it would mean not only leaving the house, but also leaving Auckland. She wasn’t sure she was ready for that kind of upheaval. The list of pros and cons she had made to help her make up her mind had only confused her more.

Reaching the pontoon, she grabbed hold of the ladder. She didn’t feel like climbing up onto it anymore. Instead, she took a few minutes to catch her breath. She turned back to the house and admired it from this angle. Tucked into the hillside as it was, it seemed to be hiding from the world. The lamps in the living area had been switched on, throwing rectangles of golden light over the lawn. She could barely make out the shapes inside the house as she tried to pick out her friends.

Max was worrying her. It felt like he was slowly removing himself from her life and she missed him. She missed the long phone calls that went on well into the early hours of the morning. She missed meeting up with him for weekends at Gavin and Lacey’s. She missed
him
– the old Max, the one who was just as much of a prankster as Danny was, the one who always seemed to know when she needed to talk, the one who had been there for her in the months after Danny’s death. That was the Max she missed, the Max she was anxious to get back. This Max, the one here with them this weekend, seemed like a stranger. And then there was the drinking. That wasn’t normal, either.

As the sun sank even further into the horizon, she began swimming slowly back to shore. When she got closer, she saw a figure sitting on the beach, next to where she had dropped her towel.

“Just doing my lifeguard thing,” Finn called out, over the noise of the cicadas.

She couldn’t help but smile. “Okay, Hoff.”

He shook his head, sucking in air through his teeth. “Low blow,” he chuckled, standing up.

He handed her the towel as she walked up the beach out of the water. She felt self-conscious. Just like earlier, she could feel his gaze on her. It both excited and frightened her.

“Thanks,” she said shyly, taking the towel from him and wrapping it around her modestly. She gathered her wet hair into a tight ponytail and twisted, wringing it out.

“Isn’t it gorgeous here?” she murmured, turning her back on the house. “I keep forgetting, in between times.”

“I know what you mean.” Finn sat down on the sand, clearly in no hurry to go back inside.

She joined him, drawing her knees up and hugging them. Despite her best efforts, she was far too conscious of his exact proximity to her. Now, he was so close that she could feel the heat of his body next to hers, and it made the hair on her arms stand on end.

“So, how’s things with you?” he asked.

She shrugged. “Fine.”

“How’s work?”

“It’s good – busy, but good.”

“Whatcha been up to?”

“Not much. Just working, really.”

“You’re not giving me much to work with here, Red.”

She wanted to tell him about the new job offer, but she didn’t feel like talking through her pros and cons list again just yet – especially when he was a bigger part of her decision than she was willing to admit.

“Sorry,” she mumbled nervously. “What can I say? Life’s pretty hum-drum these days.”

His gaze lingered on her for a moment longer than was comfortable. She could feel herself blushing, and she hoped like hell it was too dark for him to notice. Turning her attention back to the scenery, she focused on the sky, artfully splashed with purple and pink. The water lapped softly against the foreshore. Even though it was a warm evening, she shivered again. Was he looking for something, or was it her imagination?

“Oh come on – since my social life is pretty much dead lately, please tell me yours has been a bit more exciting?” he urged, jostling her playfully with his elbow.

“Sorry,” Her lips curved into a smile. Anytime he touched her, she seemed incapable of keeping the smile off her face.

“Jeez – don’t make me dig.” He jostled her again. “No mystery man? Come on – you can tell me.”

Her smile faded as the line of questioning became uncomfortable. “No time for mystery men. Like I said, it’s busy at work, and I’ve been coming home exhausted. I fall asleep on the sofa most nights.”

“Hmm. All work and no play? You know what they say about that.”

He was right. She had no work/life balance anymore. What had seemed like the right idea at the time – to bury herself in work – had lately left her feeling empty, like she was missing out on something. What had happened between them at New Years had just highlighted that.

God – New Years again. Why can’t I just forget about bloody New Years?

“Y’know, I don’t think Danny would’ve expected you to be on your own forever,” he said tentatively.

Even the cicadas seemed to hush. She felt violated, as if he had been inside her head and read her mind. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, not with everything she had hidden away in there.

“I know that,” She reached down to grab a handful of sand, watching as it sifted through her fingers, its coarse texture soothing, somehow. Immediately, she picked up another handful, conversation deserting her. What might Danny have wanted for her? Did he even think about her at all, that day? Did he stop for a moment and look into the future, wondering what might become of her, left to pick up the pieces of her life?

“You want to know what I think?”

“Something tells me I should say no to that.” She forced a smile that felt more like a grimace.

She hoped that the quip would keep things light-hearted, but she was mistaken. Finn was staring back at her intently, his blue eyes dark in the failing light.

“I think you’re scared.”

The smile died on her lips. To hear it said out loud like that was like a hammer blow to the solar plexus. She felt violated all over again. Was it that obvious?

“It’s okay to be scared,” he went on gently. “No one could blame you for that. Just don’t let it stop you from living your life.”

“I
am
living my life,” she said, before she could stop herself. She wished she had taken the time to remove the desperation from her tone, but it was too late now. “I might not be out there living it up every night, but I’m doing my best.”

Why was he looking at her like that – like he wanted to take her in his arms and make the pain go away? She lost a couple of moments fantasising about that very thing, before he spoke again.

“I’m not criticising, Kate – I’m just worried about you.”

“Well don’t. I’m fine.”

She turned her attention back to the sunset, steadfastly ignoring the urge to cry. Why did he have to ruin a perfectly good conversation by bringing that up?

“I’m sorry.” The sincerity in his voice, together with the fact that he now had his hand on her arm, was almost her undoing. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset,” she said, a little too quickly. She cleared her throat softly. “I’m just worried – about Max.”

It wasn’t a lie, and she barely even felt guilty about using Max as a diversionary tactic. Finn squeezed her arm gently before letting it go. Just like that, she felt alone again, swimming in a sea of uncertainty.

He crossed his forearms over his knees and stared out over the water. “I know. Me too.”

“What should we do?” she pushed, desperately hoping he had an answer, at least to Max’s problem.

“I don’t know. I suppose I could try talking to him again, but I don’t know what good it’ll do. He’s not really into the whole amateur psychology trip.”

“Maybe we could try talking to him together?”

“Yeah, maybe we could. It’s worth a try.”

He didn’t sound convinced and her heart sank. As much as she hated to admit it, Max’s behaviour was not foreign to her. The similarities between Max and Danny were beginning to scare her. Suddenly the scenery laid out before them became enormous, all-encompassing, almost frightening. The sun had been swallowed by the hills and darkness descended over the world. It had ominous overtones that made her shiver, and it had nothing to do with the temperature on this balmy summer evening.