Between Before and After (12 page)

It was up to Kate now.

Gavin gave the passing scenery merely a cursory glance as they drove out of Picton and back to the beach house. He had been willing to bet good money that Finn and Kate stood a good chance of getting their collective shit together, but maybe he had been wrong. Between them, the changes in Max, and trying to navigate through Lacey’s fresh bout of grief, this anniversary was turning out very differently. Why did it feel like everything was suddenly back-sliding, descending back into the bowels of hell he thought they were finally free of?

“I think Lace’s had some kind of reality check or something, about the baby,” he said, almost to himself.

“What do you mean?”

“I was sorting out the kayaks earlier, and Max came out to tell me that he found her on the kitchen floor, bawling her eyes out.”

“Shit. Is she alright?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been through anything like this before. How can you tell?”

“I don’t know either. Completely outside the realm of my experience, mate.”

He stared blankly out the side window as the scenery passed them by. The winding road made the beer swirl in his stomach. “She’s been so strong, so together, over the past couple of weeks. I guess it was bound to come sooner or later. I feel like tits on a bull – bloody useless. I wish I could just make it all better.”

“I think all that matters is that you’re there for her.”

They lapsed into silence again. Being there for her seemed like a back-up plan – something to do when you had no idea what it was you
should
be doing. It was a catch-all.
Just be there for her
. How the hell was that going to help her? The road was one long winding ribbon of grey and he found himself wishing it would end. He tried to take his mind off the swirling in his stomach by changing the subject.

“I went to talk to Max earlier, after what happened between you two this morning,” he said, glancing over at Finn. “Things got a bit weird.”

“Weird how?”

“He asked me what I thought Danny was thinking about, right before he… y’know.”

“Bloody hell.”

“I know. Apparently, this is the sort of shit he thinks about.”

Finn shook his head, but kept his eyes on the road.

“Makes you wonder what else goes on inside his head, doesn’t it?” Gavin said. “Have you talked to him since this morning?”

Finn huffed sarcastically. “What’s the point? You saw what he was like. Pretty sure I’m not his favourite person right now.”

“He doesn’t hold grudges, you know that.”

“That’s probably because he’s so smashed, he can’t remember.”

Gavin had nothing to add so he just stared out the side window, watching the scenery. Slowly, the idea that had been germinating at the back of his mind for the past hour or so made its way forth.

“What if he had nothing to drink?” he said. “If we can keep him sober, maybe we can get him to see what’s going on. We might be able to talk rationally to him about it without the drama.”

Finn turned towards him, frowning, before turning his attention back to the road, easing into another bend. 

“Yeah, I think I follow. What did you have in mind?”

“Well, what if we get rid of all the booze?” he said hopefully, his eyes lighting up as the idea gained more and more momentum. “Removing temptation might help?”

Finn took a few moments to consider the idea, his eyes on the winding road ahead. “Do you think so?”

“He says he doesn’t have a problem with booze, so let’s see if he can prove it. If he does have a problem, well, maybe he’ll admit it sooner rather than later. Either way, I can’t see it making anything worse.”

“Yeah, I can see where you’re going with that. Suppose it can’t hurt. We’ll have to keep him busy, distract him.”

“I’ve got an idea about that, too,” Gavin said. “You feel ready to make a grab for the title?”

Three years earlier

Finn pushed open his bedroom door slowly, peering around the corner into the room. The morning light was washing over the room, breaking through a crack in the curtains and illuminating Kate, who was curled into a ball, asleep in the middle of the bed. The blankets strewn around her haphazardly testified to a restless night. She was fully dressed, although she had taken her shoes off.

She had been adamant she didn’t want to go home last night. She was so shaken, he hadn’t pushed the issue. It had taken her hours to wind down enough to sleep, and by that stage she had been too exhausted to argue when he insisted she take his bed while he spent the night on the sofa.

He hoped she had managed to get some rest, because he certainly hadn’t. He had tossed and turned all night, going over possibilities in his head. She and Danny had argued. She wouldn’t say what it had been about, only that it had been over something stupid. What she did say had scared him though. Danny pushed her up against the wall and raised his hand to her. She insisted he had never actually struck her, and that he had never done anything like that before, but she was absolutely terrified. He had spent all night trying to make sense of the situation, but it didn’t matter which way he turned the pieces, nothing fit. It wasn’t logical – Danny wasn’t like that, he didn’t hit women. He sure as hell had never struck Kate before – he had double-checked that fact. So what the hell was going on?

He rose early, dressed and threw down a cup of coffee while he contemplated what he was about to do. Satisfied she was sleeping soundly, he grabbed his keys and quietly let himself out, wincing as he eased the door closed behind him. He stood outside his front door for a few moments, juggling his keys. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say to him, but he had to talk to him about it. Something like this just couldn’t be ignored. He was as worried about Danny as he was about Kate. 

And this time, unlike previous chats recently, he wasn’t going to be fobbed off by some bullshit “I’m fine – everything’s fine” excuse. It was becoming more and more evident that the complete opposite was true. It had gone so far beyond that now that he wouldn’t even be able to see “fine” with a pair of binoculars.

He parked outside the old villa and cut the engine. He had no idea what he was going to say to him, how he was going to get the truth out of him. He reached the gate and pushed it open, the squealing old hinges grating on his fragile nerves. The closer he got to the front door, the less sure he was about what he was about to do. Hadn’t he already tried to get Danny to spill the beans to him about what was going on? And hadn’t Danny already shot him down with the patented “I’m fine” routine?

By the time he had walked up the front path, climbed the few steps and crossed the veranda, his face was set in stone, even if his resolve wavered slightly. He paused in front of the door and took a deep breath. He recalled Kate, as she was last night. She had arrived at his flat in a hell of a state. She was sobbing hysterically, crumpling into his arms as he opened the door. She had been confused and frightened. It had taken quite some time to get her to calm down enough to tell him what had happened.

His resolve hardened. He rapped on the door and lifted his head in defiance. Whatever was going on with him, he was going to get to the bottom of it. He waited a few moments but there was no sound from within so he knocked again, getting irritated now, wanting to get this over with. No response.

“Danny! Open up!”

Angrily, he banged on the door with his fist a third time. Answer the door, damn it.

“Danny!”

Still no response. He huffed out a frustrated breath and leaned into the door.

“Danny, open this damn door – I’m not leaving till you do!”

Just as he was about to bang on the door a fourth time, it opened slightly and Danny peered out at him. Finn shoved the door open further and marched in. Once inside, he whirled on him, ready to climb into him and demand some answers. But when he saw him, he stopped in his tracks.

Danny stood there, staring at the ground, his shoulder length hair a mess. He was unshaven, his eyes red-rimmed and glassy. He looked as if he hadn’t slept for weeks. He looked nervous and ashamed. It took the wind out of Finn’s sails immediately. He had spoken to him on the phone this week but the last time he had physically seen him had been last weekend. He looked like he had aged ten years since then.

“What the hell’s going on?” he demanded without further preamble, anger being slowly replaced by concern.

Danny shrugged and turned away from him, closing the door quietly. He leant against it for a moment, his back to Finn, seemingly considering the question. Finn got the definite feeling that he was going to try and weasel out of answering any questions and he wasn’t in the mood for that, not after having Kate sobbing in his arms last night. He drew himself up to his full height, raised his chin and tried again.

“Hey – start talking,” he prompted, folding his arms across his chest. He wasn’t going to let him off the hook that easily. He should be ashamed of what he did – at least that meant he had the guts to acknowledge that what he had done was wrong. That was a step in the right direction.

“You’ve seen Kate?” Danny mumbled, his back still to Finn.

“Yeah, I’ve seen her. She came around to my place last night, scared shitless!”

Danny took a shuddering breath and turned around to face him. He leant back on the door, his hands behind him, eyes downcast. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Finn demanded.

“Is she okay?” Danny asked after a few moments, finally raising his head.

Finn saw the fear and confusion oozing out of him and it stalled him momentarily. “Yeah, I think so. But she’s scared – of you. She told me what happened. She said you were going to hit her – what the hell happened? What’s going on with you?”

Danny pushed himself away from the door, shuffled past Finn down the hall to the living room, and collapsed on the sofa. Slumping forward, he crossed his arms over his knees and let his head fall on them.

Finn exhaled helplessly. It didn’t take a genius to see that he was remorseful. He sank into the nearest armchair, waiting. Glancing over at the coffee table, he noticed a glass and a bottle of whisky. Both were empty.

“You need to start talking, and you better make it bloody good because I’m not leaving till you tell me what the fuck is going on.”

Danny’s hands fisted in his hair, grabbing handfuls and holding tight. The moments stretched out until he finally slumped back into the sofa, his hands falling limply to his side. He stared at the wall opposite him blankly.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly. “I don’t know what happened.”

“You’re gonna need to do better than that. Were you boozed? High? What?”

Danny shook his head. Finn tried to decipher him, to understand what was happening. Something sure as hell was, and it had been happening for a while now. He was changing, and he had no idea why.

“Are you in some kind of trouble?”

Danny swallowed audibly, glancing over at Finn and shaking his head slightly. His eyes took on a haunted look that scared Finn. The knots in his stomach tightened.

“I didn’t mean to hurt her. I never would’ve…”

Finn’s heart stopped for a moment as he watched nameless emotions cross Danny’s face. He could see how sorry he was, he could see he wasn’t lying. But there was more. 

“You’re freaking me out. You know that, right?” he pressed, leaning forward in his seat. “Something’s going on, and you need to tell me what it is so I can help. I don’t care what it is, I’ll get you out of it, but I need to know what you’re dealing with. Is it drugs? Is it money? Is something going on at work?”

“What? No, nothing like that,” Danny insisted, sniffing miserably. “I just… I snapped and I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean it.” 

He had never seen Danny cry, not once, in all the years they had known each other. Seeing it now was even more proof that something serious was going on, possibly more serious than he thought. He was even more determined to get the whole truth out of him as a result. Fear bolstered him, urging him onward. Fear of what Danny might be dealing with, fear of losing him if he didn’t help him figure out what to do about it.

“Not fucking good enough.”

“I’m sorry, alright? I don’t know what more you want me to say. It just happened!” Danny croaked miserably, roughly wiping at the tears sliding down his cheeks.

Finn’s resolve melted. “This isn’t you – I know that. I’ve never known you to do anything like this before,” he said.  “But that’s what’s scaring the shit outta me. What’s going on with you – and don’t tell me everything’s fine, because I’ve had enough of that bullshit. It’s time to get real. I want to know the truth.” Danny refused to look at him. Finn gave him ample time to reply but when he didn’t, he pushed harder. “Come on, mate. Please?”

Danny shook his head slowly but didn’t look up. “I don’t know what to tell you,” he said in a small voice. “I fucked up.”

So, that was it. He seemed fixated on what happened with Kate, ignoring everything else. Finn should have been disappointed or at the very least surprised, but he wasn’t. He had almost expected this.

“Yeah, you did.”

Danny looked up finally and Finn was once again faced with those haunted eyes.