Better Deeds Than Words (Words#2) (17 page)

She sighed and grumbled unintelligibly.

“Penny?”

“You know, he’s going to absolutely throttle me when he finds out I’ve told you this.”

“You’re killing me.”

“I’m sorry, really. Look, by the sounds of things, I’m sure he’s fine. David meant it when he said it would pass in twenty minutes or so.”

“
It
. What
it?
Tell me what
it
is!”

“Panic, darling. Anxiety. Daniel has a mild anxiety disorder. Well, he
did.
He’s been so much better lately. I’ve noticed a real change since I’ve been over here. I’ve only heard him complain a couple of times about it recently.”

“Anxiety disorder? How long has he had it?”

“It’s nothing to worry about, lovey. Sometimes he has these extreme reactions to stressful situations. Often, they happen out of the blue. Panic attacks aren’t life threatening, but they can be debilitating if you don’t deal with them early on. He’s been having them since that bitch at Oxford dragged his name through the mud.”

“Oh, Penny, why didn’t he tell me? I had no clue.”

“You know how proud he is. Plus, he’s probably terrified of scaring you away. He’s notorious for over thinking. I’m sure you’ve sussed that out as well.”

“So, he’s probably fine? He’s most likely
not
in the hospital?”

“I’d be very surprised to hear that he was in the hospital, yes, so there you are. One fence post knocked over. Done and dusted.”

This was a nice thought, but it wasn’t exactly true. If the fence post was truly knocked over, I’d know precisely where Daniel was and why he wasn’t answering any of my messages.

Chapter 11

To Be So Moral

’tis all men’s office to speak patience
To those that wring under the load of sorrow,
But no man’s virtue nor sufficiency
To be so moral when he shall endure
The like himself.
(
Much Ado About Nothing
, Act V, Scene 1)

I W
ALKED
A
CROSS
T
HE
Q
UAD
on Monday morning, oddly full of dread and hope. Normally I’d have been thrilled about the sun’s efforts to melt the last stray patches of snow, but I couldn’t have cared less. Seeing Dean Grant was going to be uncomfortable. Seeing Daniel later—hopefully safe and fully recovered from his anxiety attack—would be the balm to ease the discomfort. Even if he didn’t want to talk to me, knowing he was okay was all I needed.

The office was dark when I arrived. There was a note from Gisele outlining what she’d accomplished on Friday; from what she’d written, I gathered Dean Grant hadn’t returned in the afternoon.

Preoccupied, I went on auto-pilot and worked my way through my morning’s tasks. I kept reflecting on my conversation with Penny. We’d actually talked for over half an hour as she’d tried to calm me down and put my mind at ease.

Shortly after nine thirty, my musings were interrupted by Dean Grant walking through the door, a bleary-eyed Daniel on his heels.

“Good morning, Aubrey,” Dean Grant said as he hung up his coat, his voice a touch more brusque than usual. He was wearing Dockers and a golf shirt. I couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t come to work in a suit.

Daniel hung back, one hand in his pocket and the other resting lightly on the counter. A thousand emotions passed across his face as he met my eyes.

“Hi.”

That was all he said.

How could one small syllable be imbued with so much feeling?

“How are you?” I asked. What an absurd question. I didn’t know what else to say. His father watched us from his office doorway.

“Better, I suppose.” He frowned and shook his head slightly as if calling himself out on the lie.

“Okay, come on in, you two,” his father said, holding the door to his office open.

Daniel stepped around the counter and stood with his father in the doorway. “Dad, I’m going to talk to Aubrey first. Alone. I think she deserves the courtesy of an explanation from me.”

Dean Grant seemed prepared to dig in his heels. His eyes bounced back and forth between us.

Please.

I willed him to agree with my eyes.

“Well—”

“I’m not asking permission,” Daniel clarified, his voice steely.

Wow. Was this the same Daniel who’d fallen apart here three days ago?

His father sighed. “All right, go in here.” He motioned to a small reading room. “I’ll be waiting in my office.”

Daniel nodded grimly. “This might take a while. We have a lot to talk about.”

I met Dean Grant’s eyes, and he gazed back at me contemplatively. God only knew what he must have been thinking. Daniel gestured for me to enter the small room ahead of him, and he followed, pushing the door closed quietly and turning the lock. I stood beside the small round table in the center of the room, tracing the wood grain pattern on the surface with my thumbnail.

“Are you really okay?” I whispered.

“No, not really.”

I stepped forward, my hands hanging uselessly at my sides. “I was so worried when I didn’t hear from you, and I didn’t know what was wrong or where you were—and now you come in here, looking like, God, I don’t know, like you haven’t slept in days…What’s going on? You could have at least answered one of my messages. I just wanted to know you were all right.”

He shook his head. “I’m so sorry. I had no control over what happened this weekend. I was beside myself worrying about you too, you have no idea…” He took a step forward, and I thought he was going to take me in his arms, but he didn’t. He walked around the table and stood by the window looking out at the quad. “I’ve been with you for two minutes, and already I want to do all the things my father said I shouldn’t do.” He peered over his shoulder at me, his eyes pained.

“I’m sorry. I guess we’re in the same boat. I promised your father I’d back off, and there I was, texting you, phoning you, emailing. Obviously that put you in an awkward position. Is that why you didn’t answer me? You promised your father you wouldn’t?”

He dropped into the chair on the other side of the table. “I promised my father no such thing. I didn’t get any messages. I’ve been up at our cottage all weekend. I didn’t have my phone, my laptop. Nothing. I had no way of contacting you, no way of leaving. We left there early this morning. I haven’t even been home yet.” He gestured to his scruffy clothes. “I insisted on coming here to see you first.”

“That’s why no one could get hold of you?”

He nodded. “After we left here on Friday, I was exhausted. I assumed they were taking me home. I closed my eyes in the car, and I guess I fell asleep. When I woke up, we were in fucking Bracebridge. Can you believe that?”

“Oh my God. I had no idea.”

“Of course you didn’t. My dad said I needed to make a clean break for a couple of days to clear my head—get some distance and regain my perspective. I had no say in it, and I was livid. I asked if I could use his phone to call you, and he assured me he’d told you I’d be fine and that you needed some time to think, too. I promise you, Aubrey, it was never my intent to leave you hanging like that. It was an awful weekend.
Tense
doesn’t even begin to describe it.”

I sat down across from him. “They didn’t let anyone know where they were going?”

“Jeremy was away for the weekend. They didn’t think they needed to call him. And with Brad and Penny on their own, they assumed they’d be none the wiser. No need to worry them unnecessarily.”

I grimaced. “Well, I’m sorry, but they were worried by yesterday afternoon. I had to call Penny. She left you quite a few messages. I did as well. I think I started to sound a little hysterical by yesterday morning. There’s a message on your phone from Matt, too. He was worried about me.”

A gentle smile ghosted across his face, and he looked down at my hands. “Good old Matt.”

“He’s back together with his girlfriend, by the way. I thought you’d be happy to hear that.”

“That is good news.” He paused for a moment before taking a deep breath. “So, I guess you have a lot of questions. About my behavior on Friday, I mean.”

“I did have lots of questions, but I think the most important ones have been cleared up for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was desperate, Daniel. I was terrified when I couldn’t reach you. Seeing you like that on Friday scared the shit out of me. I finally got hold of Penny. I thought she’d know where you were, but she said she and Brad were looking for you as well because you didn’t show up to help paint. I ended up telling her what happened on Friday. I thought maybe you were in the hospital.”

Daniel clenched his jaw, and a muscle in his cheek jumped. “What did she tell you?” he whispered.

“She told me about your panic attacks.”

He rubbed his face. “I wish she hadn’t.”

“Well, I’m glad she did. I think it’s important I know, don’t you?”

“Yes,
of course
it is. What I mean is—I wish
I’d
been the one to tell you instead of her.”

“Why
didn’t
you tell me?”

He looked at me for a long moment, and then dragged his chair close to mine, perching his elbows on his knees.

“It wasn’t my intention to hide it from you. I honestly didn’t think there was anything to tell. I thought I was dealing better with all of the implications of our relationship than I actually was.”

“Penny told me these panic attacks started after the situation with Nicola?”

“My tendency for anxiety goes way back. I’ve always been a bit obsessive—a perfectionist—and I’ve always felt extreme pressure to live up to my father’s expectations. But the scandal with Nicola is what set off the actual panic attacks. Feeling like control is being taken away from you when you have a predisposition to anxiety…”

“So, did you have them a lot?” I wanted to know everything now. I knew Daniel’s father was in the office next door, waiting for us to emerge, but he’d have to wait.

“I had my fair share. The first one scared the hell out of me. It happened out of the blue at a football match. A bunch of my friends were trying to cheer me up after my position at the university was suspended. Penny was there. It was crowded, and people were fighting and surging toward the field. I freaked out. I got these black spots in front of my eyes and a piercing pain in my shoulder, then my heart started pounding and I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was having a heart attack. Penny and my friend Gavin took me to the hospital, but by the time we got there, I was feeling better. Tired, but better. It’s the strangest sensation.”

“So, that’s what happened on Friday?”

“Exactly.”

“Daniel, tell me about the prescriptions—the bottles you moved out of your vanity cupboard when I stayed over.”

He smiled grimly. “You caught that, did you?”

“I didn’t want to pry. I figured there was a good reason for you to move them. But now I’d like you to tell me about them.”

He sat back in his chair and rubbed at his whiskers. “Okay. Well, brace yourself.”

I nodded.

“Let’s see, there’s the anti-depression meds. I took them for a while last year, but they didn’t agree with me. Terrible side effects. Then there’s the anti-anxiety meds. I wasn’t a big fan of those either. Sleeping pills? Took those for months, too. I went through a spell where I couldn’t fall asleep, and then when I did get to sleep, I’d suffer from nightmares.”

“Are you still taking any of those prescriptions?” I asked, remembering the nightmare he’d had when I’d stayed over.

“No, I haven’t taken anything for months. This was the first panic attack I’ve had in ages.” He paused. “Actually, that’s not true. I’ve had a couple of small ones over the last few weeks. Both times I managed to avert a full-blown attack.”

“When?”

He closed his eyes and clamped his mouth shut. I thought he was going to refuse to tell me, but then he visibly braced himself and continued.

“After we met at the Gardiner that day? Once I’d dropped you off at residence, I was going to meet Jeremy, and I had to sit on a bench in the quad here at Vic and calm down. My heart was racing, and I had chest pain. After sitting for a few minutes, I was okay.”

“What do you think brought it on?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps deep down I knew the danger I’d put myself in, letting you know my feelings for you. I honestly can’t account for it. I was ecstatic about the prospect of us having a relationship. The subconscious mind is a mysterious place.”

He seemed completely bewildered. His explanation made total sense as far as I was concerned.

“And the other one?” I asked.

“The night I saw you and Matt at the Madison House. That one makes more sense. I wanted to beat him to a pulp. It was pure adrenaline. Thinking I’d lost you because of my stupid position had me gasping for breath by the time I got home. Luckily, that attack didn’t progress either.”