Bella's Christmas Bake Off (16 page)

‘You’re anorexic, aren’t you?’ I said as she emerged, face wet with tears.

She grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me out of the toilets, away from the chatter and the paper towels.

She led me to our lockers where she opened the door, took out a packet of polo mints and offered me one, but I was so anxious I couldn’t eat anything. She popped one in her mouth and nodded her head for me to hide behind the locker door so we could talk. ‘I missed my period Ames... I’m pregnant,’ she whispered, her minty breath filled my face and my heart lurched. I hadn’t seen this coming at all.

‘What am I going to do?’ Tears filled her eyes – we were both so young and I don’t know who was more scared.

I just stood there clutching my bag, all thoughts of revision and set texts drained from my head and I couldn’t speak as we looked at each other. She was, as usual, waiting for me to give her an answer, to rescue her, but for once I was lost.

‘Will you keep it?’ was all I could say.

‘Ames, of course, how could you even ask that? You know how I feel about babies...’

‘Yes, but this isn’t a baby yet... like you said it’s a missed period, are you even sure?’

She nodded. Life had changed in a moment – Bella’s exams and university hopes, our plans to go travelling round Europe, her pregnancy would change my plans too. I was still dealing with life after Mum and with no one to talk to except each other we were both lost.

Over the next few weeks Bella was a mess, she cried in lessons, never went home and the only person she wanted to talk to was me. So I would sit up all night listening and at school I’d leave my lessons to go to her and sit in the toilets holding her hand and telling her it was all going to be okay. But what did I know? Eventually I convinced her to tell Chris, who said he loved her and they’d bring up the baby and be happy ever after. She was young and in love and believed everything he told her – but he’d never had a job and I’d heard the rumours about his cheating and was worried for her future. She couldn’t waste it all on this unfaithful layabout, but she wouldn’t listen.

The whole situation affected both our lives and my grades began to suffer, I was unable to concentrate and wasn’t revising because I was spending every spare moment with Bella. I felt like this whole problem was on top of me and I wasn’t able or prepared to make the decision for her.

I remember wishing my mum had still been around, she’d have known what to do. Bella always said I took on other people’s problems, I was like Mum and I wanted to help, but at the same time Bella was keen to hand me her problems, again another reason why we fit together so well, but she just kept asking me what she should do. Apart from the obvious which was to terminate the pregnancy, and just carry on like nothing had happened, I didn’t know. So instead of telling Bella she must make her own choices and I’d be there for her, I’d taken matters into my own hands. One evening when I knew Bella was at Chris’s I went round to her mother’s and told her everything. I thought she would help, guide Bella through the decision-making and support her in whatever she decided to do as I know my mother would have. Little did I know that the fallout from my revelation would ruin Bella’s life and end our friendship.

I
tried not
to go over it all in my head, why I made that stupid decision and why her mother reacted with such anger. I hoped now, finally with some time together at Dovecote, I might be able to make amends and she might come some way to finally forgiving me.

The conversation about her childlessness had upset Bella, and given what happened to her I wasn’t surprised. That might have been her only chance to ever have a baby and she’d been forced to terminate the pregnancy. I had lived with the guilt of this for years, even if my intentions were good, my actions caused this. If I’d just helped her and not gone running to her mother Bella could have had her baby and who knows, probably more. As an only child it was always her dream to have loads of kids and I’d ruined that for her. I didn’t follow her when she left the kitchen in tears, I assumed she needed her space, so decided to go outside and get something to eat.

The food truck was parked a few hundred yards away from the house because apparently Bella didn’t like the smell. The crew were standing in clusters in the freezing cold tent, a bare electric light dangled from the roof and snow was coming down thick now. I wondered how long they’d put up with eating their food outside? I also wondered how long they’d put up with my contradicting Bella and being stroppy during filming. I pulled my coat around me tighter, shielding me against the wind. It was late and I hadn’t eaten since breakfast, and when the lady working in the truck handed me a large, warm turkey sandwich dripping in cranberry sauce, stuffing and lined with crispy bacon, I could have kissed her.

I walked into the food tent and found a small table with a plastic chair and sat down with my sandwich, there was nowhere else to go. The tables all looked very rickety but each one had a plastic floral Christmas arrangement on it and in the background was a choir recording of ‘Silent Night’. Bella would have been horrified at the decorations, the dodgy tinsel hanging around the tent would have been like garlic to a vampire – but it made me feel Christmassy. I was just finishing when I felt someone standing at the table, and as I turned, I saw it was Mike the cameraman. He was holding two polystyrene cups of steaming coffee. ‘Mind if I join you? Thought you might be in need of this,’ he said, handing me a cup.

My heart melted. ‘Oh, thank you... you’ve no idea. I didn’t know where the drinks were.’

He smiled without looking at me, just gazing ahead, and took a sip of his drink.

‘Is filming always like that?’ I asked, feeling the need to say something after he’d been so kind.

‘Yeah well, put someone like Bella on a high wire with someone like Fliss and add a little bit of Tim on his trapeze and you’ve got yourself a circus.’ His eyes smiled as he took another sip. I felt comforted, I’d been right that he was someone I could relate to in the middle of this madness.

‘Yes it’s all so dramatic, isn’t it? They can’t pass each other in the kitchen without it becoming a Greek tragedy or a love story of Shakespearean proportions. Then I enter and add my own flavour of chaos and confrontation.’

He laughed. ‘Someone said you’re a teacher – you sound like one.’

‘Really?’ I said, a little put down by this.

‘Yeah, in a good way. I sometimes think it’s me who’s crazy and they are all quite normal.’

I laughed. ‘Bella’s never been what you’d call normal, even before she was on TV she behaved like a celebrity – but it was funny then.’

‘So it’s true? You and Bella – that’s a weird thing – I heard that you knew her, years ago, but I can’t imagine you being friends, you seem so different.’

‘Yeah she was once a good friend of mine, but no one’s supposed to know.’

‘Your secret’s safe with me,’ he winked causing my cheeks to feel very warm.

‘Yep, Bella’s – a challenge – she seems to have no regard for anyone else. She insists on filming here, so she doesn’t have to get up early or travel, but everyone else does. And when we get here, we are all kept outside like dogs – even in this cold.’

I nodded. ‘I know, but that’s because she thinks that’s how she should behave – and no one’s ever questioned her.’

‘Until now... you did today,’ he said, with a hint of mischief.

‘Oh I know, and it didn’t take much to light that bonfire,’ I rolled my eyes. ‘It wasn’t a conscious thing – I didn’t go on set and think – right, now I’m going to wind Bella up... she just made me angry because she can’t see she’s alienating her audience.’

‘Yeah, but that’s where you come in... that scene when you were both angry over the turkeys was priceless! Two well-dressed women smiling for the camera while battling it out over pig flesh, bleeding beef and dead bird carcasses. It was hilarious... the viewers will lap it up.’

I wasn’t so sure. ‘Was it really that bad?’ I said.

He nodded. ‘It was so bad it was great. Absolute carnage... and talking of carnage, I’d better set up for the tomorrow’s Christmas bloodbath,’ he said, nodding to the soundwoman who was tapping her finger on her wrist to indicate lateness.

I thanked him for the coffee and meandered back towards the house in the hope of finding an overhanging roof or a porch to shelter under and finish my drink before going to bed. I doubted coffee in polystyrene cups was allowed at Dovecote and I didn’t want some embarrassing incident where I was banned from the building.

I was just walking away from the catering tent, past a row of snow-covered trees when I saw a lonely figure heading down the driveway in my direction. As she came nearer, I could see it was Bella, lit by various safety lights, dressed in a long, hooded cape. She was treading carefully through the snow looking very glamorous like someone from a fairy tale.

‘Hi Bella,’ I said as she approached.

‘Oh Amy, I thought you were having supper in the tent?’

‘It wasn’t exactly supper, just a sandwich, but I’ve finished now, I’d recommend the turkey,’ I smiled, walking slowly past.

She suddenly grabbed me. ‘Don’t go Amy... come back in with me.’

‘Okay,’ I laughed, turning round and walking with her. ‘You used to do this when we were teenagers, you always made me go to the toilets with you.’

‘Yeah I did, didn’t I? Do people ever really change, Amy? Despite everything, I still sometimes feel like a frightened little girl.’

I was surprised at her sudden honesty, her vulnerability, and felt the need to reassure her.

‘We are all frightened little girls at times. My students would be amazed to know that every time I walk in that classroom I have to gather myself together, do a Lady Macbeth and screw my courage to the sticking place,’ I smiled as we walked out of the freezing darkness into the slightly warmer, brightly lit tent.

‘I feel like that little girl now,’ she whispered, looking down at her feet as we walked through to the other side of the tent where the food truck was situated.

‘But it’s only the crew and your friends,’ I said. ‘Tim’s over there telling them all about his “salty Shakespeare” and there’s Billy...’

She seemed really nervous, but I could see why she felt like this because everyone was looking. People were nudging each other and staring as we passed them. Even I was beginning to feel quite self-conscious, and they weren’t looking at me.

‘I don’t usually come to the tent... well, I’ve never been in before. It’s only ’cos I knew you’d be here I thought I’d brave it, but I think I’ll go back now,’ she said in a whisper.

‘No you won’t,’ I said, linking her and drawing her towards the little van and ordering her a turkey bap with all the trimmings and two coffees. It seemed like it was quite a big deal for Bella to turn up here and I wasn’t going to let her go back and sit inside Dovecote alone.

As we walked away to find a rickety table, I waited for her shriek of horror at the sight of the wobbly Christmas table arrangements that had seen better days. But she sat down, began eating her turkey bap with gusto and said, ‘It feels quite Christmassy, doesn’t it?’

I nodded, surprised at her positive reaction, perhaps it was dawning on Bella that you didn’t have to have the very best designer decorations to make Christmas sparkle.

‘I’m sorry if I upset you before... talking about you and Peter not having children,’ I started. ‘I’ve often wondered why you didn’t... if it had something to do with the abortion...’

Bella nodded. ‘It was a terrible time, Ames, once you told her, Mum made me an appointment at the clinic the next day, I cried for weeks. But it wasn’t all your fault. My mother played her part.’

‘Still, if I’d just kept the secret and never told her, things would be different now.’

‘Who knows... perhaps it just made me stronger?’

I nodded.

‘But you really don’t need to take any guilt on about me and Peter not having any children. I’m fine, Peter’s fine – we could probably have kids, we just don’t want kids together because we have our careers. Okay?’

I wondered if she really believed that her career was enough, especially as she’d lived through her parents’ work-driven lives and always vowed to be different. I didn’t pursue it, Bella was making it clear she’d had enough for now, and as things seemed slightly easier between us I didn’t want to push my luck. So while she ate her bap I tried to lighten the mood and gave her a running commentary about one or two of the others in the tent. ‘Tim is DEVASTATED,’ I said. ‘Dame Judy is waiting at The Royal Court for him but he just has to do another bloody shot with
bloody
Bella and her stuffing first,’ I said in Tim’s voice. Bella giggled, it was something we did as kids, saying funny stuff under our breath about whoever was in our vicinity.

‘But dahling, I remember a time when breasts were in and food porn was the only thing we got off on,’ Bella added in Fliss’s voice. ‘Yes dahling, those were the days... when you were giving it to them like a page 3 wannabe.’ We both giggled, watching Fliss, who had now moved outside the tent for a fag and all that could be seen of her was a curl of grey smoke. Every now and then a car headlight would light her up in her furry pink jacket, matching kitten heels deep in the snow – leaning against the tree and breathing in huge lungfuls of smoke.

‘You okay now?’ I asked Bella when we’d finished laughing and she’d finished eating.

‘Yes... I am... thanks.’

‘Good, it’s great that you came in here and... mixed with everyone.’

She looked at me over her polystyrene coffee cup. ‘I wouldn’t exactly call it mixing...’

I’d worried that I wasn’t really fitting in, but here was Bella who had known these people for years, and she couldn’t even share a cup of coffee with them.

‘Why have you never mixed with the people you work with?’ I asked, reverting to my role as a teacher. ‘It makes life so much easier when you share stuff with your colleagues, Bella. I do it all the time at school, we complain to each other about the kids and the lack of equipment and it doesn’t change anything but it does make you feel better.’