Being a Teen (19 page)

The good news is that there are many resources you can turn to for help, and I list them later on in this chapter. With the support of friends, family, and professionals, it is possible to overcome the effects of sexual abuse and go on to feel good about yourself and your relationships.

It Is Never Your Fault

Being sexually abused is never your fault. No matter what happens, or how it happens, or how often, or who else is involved, it’s never your fault. You’re not to blame for it:

• not even if you said yes,

• not even if it felt good,

• not even if it happened more than once, over months or years.

Types of Sexual Abuse

Sexual Harassment

Sexual harassment
is when a person bothers you repeatedly with sexual attention that you don’t want and that makes you uncomfortable. The federal government says that sexual harassment takes two forms:

1. Making you have sexual contact to avoid a threat or to get a benefit like a better grade or a position on a sports team.

2. Making you feel uncomfortable in any of these ways:

• commenting on your sexuality by criticizing, complimenting, whistling, catcalling, or engaging in unwelcome flirting

• spreading sexual rumors

• flashing

• groping, unwanted touching

•
leaving sexual graffiti on your locker or on your Facebook page

• making general sexual remarks to you or telling sexual jokes without your consent

• wondering out loud if you’re gay, accusing you of being gay, or hounding gay people

• suggesting that you have sex of any kind

• showing you or sending you sexual pictures

All of the above are examples of clear-cut harassment and are illegal. You have the right to state clearly that you do not want it to continue and that, if it does, you will report the person to someone in authority.

You can also write a letter to the person, describing the behavior and saying you want it to stop, otherwise you will report them. Put a date on the letter and keep a copy. Written documents can be important for fighting harassment. Keep a journal as well, or try to keep a log of what types of incidents happened, who was involved, what you said, and how it was handled by the school or employer. This will give you credibility if you need to press charges. Remember—if you alert your school (or employer, if you have a job) that you are being harassed and they fail to stop the harassment, they are not following the law. Sexual teasing at school that continues after a student has complained about it to school administrators could be grounds for a lawsuit.

Molestation

Molestation
is direct, unwanted sexual contact with a child or teenager. It is against the law.

Molesters try to confuse you. They may give you gifts or take you exciting places. They may try to act like your friend or mentor. They know that you have probably been taught to respect and obey adults, so they try to use that authority to make you do sexual things. Or the molester may be someone you love, and if the sexual behavior is gentle and loving rather than hurtful, it’s confusing to know that it’s wrong. You can be bothered, embarrassed, or frightened by a harasser or stalker who never even comes near you. If your abuser uses threats to try to get his or her way,
it’s still abuse, even if you refuse.

Incest

Incest
is sexual activity among family members and children or teenagers. The person can be a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle, cousin, sister, or brother. This, too, is illegal.

Often a victim of incest will be told that what is happening is normal and he or she may not realize that it is a form of abuse. The abuser may have threatened the victim. The victim may not know that there is help available; he or she may be scared of what will happen if he or she tells someone and he or she may be ashamed, or afraid of not being believed, or afraid that the person he or she confides in will tell the abuser.

If the abuser is a parent, sometimes the nonabusing parent will not believe it when told about the abuse. Sometimes the nonabusing parent is aware of the abuse and chooses—for whatever reason—not to take action to stop it.

There are many reasons that a nonabusing parent might not stop the abuse, including that he or she may be dependent on the abuser for shelter or income and thus think that
allowing the incest to continue is the only way to keep his or her partner.

By the way, when children are very young it is not unusual for young boys and girls to be curious and want to explore one another’s bodies. This childhood play is not the same as incest. I remember “playing doctor” with my girl and boy cousins of the same age when we were seven or eight, but we soon grew out of it.

Assault or Rape

Sexual assault
is forced sexual contact, including touching someone’s breasts, buttocks, or genitals, even if intercourse does not happen. It is illegal.

Rape
is sexual intercourse that takes place either against someone’s will or when he or she is unconscious or under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

Acquaintance
or
date rape
involves a date or a friend. It is important to be clear about what date rape is. If someone gives you a clear message to stop touching him or her, and you continue anyway, you have assaulted him or her. If you penetrate someone sexually after he or she told you not to, it is rape.

Alcohol is often involved in date rapes and sexual assaults. The victim may be spaced out on drugs or drunk. Someone who is drunk or drugged and cannot make a clearheaded decision to consent to sex has been date-raped. Rates of date rape are especially high among seniors in high school and freshmen in college.

Some perpetrators try to drug victims with powerful sedatives called “roofies” (Rohypnol), which are more powerful than other tranquilizers like Valium. This drug is illegal in the
United States, but it is legal in some countries in Europe and Latin America. If a person unknowingly swallows this drug, it can make him or her feel paralyzed, have the spins, get blurred vision, or feel as if he or she is in a dream. The drug is so powerful that the victim may not even retain a memory of the assault experience. This is why Rohypnol and similar drugs have become known as date-rape drugs. This is why you should never drink a punch or any drink that has been mixed out of your sight. If you have a drink, watch it being made or watch a bottle being opened.

Even if you are romantically interested in a person, you must not push them further sexually than they are willing to go. It is very common when you begin dating for you to want to kiss or touch a person, but not move on to sex immediately. This is the right way to build a physical relationship. If you start out kissing or touching, you or your partner are allowed to stop anytime you want to. Your direction to stop must be respected by your partner. No one has a right to “just go a little further” without your say-so.

And you need to know that a physical attack like rape can cause not only physical and emotional wounds but also pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including HIV/AIDS.

Trust Your Feelings

Usually young people can tell if another person is trying to start something weird. If any person or situation makes you feel strange or uncomfortable in any way, pay attention. Get
away quickly. Don’t try to tell yourself—and don’t let anyone else tell you—that you’re imagining things. Even if nothing happens and you just walk away, tell one or both parents, or another adult you trust, how you felt. You don’t have to explain why—you may not even know—but you do need to speak up and say that the person made you feel creepy.

No one should ever be made to have sex if he or she doesn’t want to. No one—not a mother, father, grandparent, uncle, brother, cousin, neighbor, teacher, minister, rabbi, coach, babysitter, boyfriend, girlfriend, or stranger—has the right to force you to engage in any sexual activity or to harass you sexually.

Saying “No”

Don’t ever be afraid to say “NO!” or “STOP!” Yell it if you have to.

When it comes to sex, the word “Yes” means “Just this once.” Each time anyone wants sexual contact, he or she needs the other person’s consent. Even if two people already have a sexual relationship, either one can always say “no” to sexual contact at any time.

If You Have Been Molested

The molester will often tell the victim all kinds of lies to keep him or her quiet. Here are some of the common lies victims hear, followed by the truth:

Lie:
“You can’t tell, because you already promised not to.”

Truth:
Go ahead and promise whatever a molester wants so that you can get away. A molester is a sick criminal, and there’s no reason to keep your promise to an abuser.

Lie:
“If you tell, I’ll hurt you, or your family or friends, or I’ll kill your pets.”

Truth:
Tell right away! The police and child authorities will help.

Lie:
“We share a special love,” or “You’re my best friend, and friends don’t tell on each other.”

Truth:
A person who loves you or is really your friend wants to protect you from any harm, including sexual abuse. No matter how much you love the person who molested you, there’s always someone you must love more—yourself.

Lie:
“If you tell, people will blame you for what happened.”

Truth:
Most people, and all counselors, know that young people who have been sexually abused are afraid of being blamed and that they are never to blame.

Lie:
“If you tell, nobody will believe you.”

Truth:
Most people, and all counselors, know that it’s hard for kids to tell about sexual abuse and that it’s rare that they lie about it. Some people may not believe you, especially if you tell a family member that another relative abused you. Right away go tell another adult whom you trust, or call 911. Keep telling as many adults as you can.

Lie (if it’s incest):
“If you tell, it will break up our family, and you’ll have to go to an orphanage.”

Truth:
Your family is already broken. You’ll help the whole family by telling, so that they can get help.

Lie:
“If you tell, I’ll be locked up in jail.”

Truth:
Although a molester has broken the law, a judge might decide instead to require him or her to get counseling. But even if the molester is not locked up, you’ll be protected.

Lie:
“We have been doing this for a long time, so people will know that you wanted it to happen.”

Truth:
Most people, and all counselors, know that sexual abuse can continue for years just because the victim can’t defend him- or herself.

If You Have Been Raped or Assaulted

If you are raped, there are some practical things you will need to do. You will need to talk with professionals who can tell you how to protect your health and press charges against the attacker. Here are the most important things to remember:

• Do not bathe, wash, or get rid of soiled clothing. Your body and clothes provide important pieces of physical evidence.

• Tell someone—the police, a doctor, or a hotline worker.

• Get to a hospital or a clinic. You should get the “rape kit” procedure, which is a medical examination conducted by a person specifically trained to collect evidence of rape. If you only feel comfortable with a woman examining you, you can request it. If a female physician is not available you can request that a second medical professional (like a nurse) also be present in order for you to feel safe.

•
You can expect to talk with a counselor or arrange follow-up counseling at the hospital.

• During the next few weeks you will need to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. Roughly six months after your attack you will want to be tested for HIV.

• You should consider joining a sexual-assault survivors group to help you heal emotionally.

If You Don’t Tell

Keeping silent about sexual abuse can have consequences:

• If you don’t tell someone that you were molested, your whole life and everything you do may possibly be affected by this terrible secret. People have come forward ten, twenty, even thirty or more years after they were abused and told tragic stories about how suffering in silence damaged their lives.

• Telling is important if you are to get the help and the support you need and deserve.

• There’s a limited amount of time during which a molester can be punished for his or her crime. If you wait too long to tell, your assailant might never be punished.

• Not telling leaves the molester free to attack other kids just as he or she did you.

This is why you must also tell if you know another child, perhaps a friend, who has been abused—even if he or she
made you promise to keep the secret. This is hard to do, but after having been helped to get better, he or she will understand how strong you were to do the right thing.

Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse

If you were abused when you were little, you are not alone. You should not feel like a broken person because of the experience. It is possible that you would want to withdraw from the world of dating. These responses are understandable. But they can often get in the way of happy and healthy relationships. It is important to keep appropriate boundaries, to say no to casual sex with unfamiliar partners. You don’t want to add to your memories of abuse with negative sexual experiences today.