Bears Repeating (5 page)

She built up the fire, letting it burn bright and hard, heaping the hard earned fuel on it. She was watching the flames when she heard the thumping of the chopper. The dark and lonely years of her adolescence stood her well. Her face was closed off to the men who landed the helicopter, who just said that Don had sent them. Part of her wanted to bombard them with questions, to beg them to take her to Jack and Matt, or to just tell her they were safe. But she simply handed them her bags and said, "I'm ready to go home." She sat and stared stonily out of the window the entire ride back to civilization.

Whatever pull the tattooed Kodiak had - no one asked her anything. She assumed it was the bear, everything about him screamed 'leader'. It was all very arranged and she found herself in her apartment several days later. She slowly unpacked her bag, realizing with a shock that she had nothing to remember the two men by, or even prove that they existed.

She sat on her sofa and watched the waves roll in and out. It felt like she was already forgetting how they smelled and felt. The grief flashed hard inside her when she realized she would slowly forget what they looked like and cursed the fickle nature of memory. They would fade into blurred memories, until nothing was left but an aching heart.

She didn't want to wallow in her grief. Jena tried to run the pain out, up and down the small beach her home overlooked. Pounding her feet on the sand until she dropped, finally dragging herself home when she had used up every bit of energy inside. It felt like a thousand years had passed, but when she finally flipped on the TV, she was shocked to realize it had only been a few days. The news was filled with blaring headlines about the shocking destruction of an isolated pharmaceutical research facility.

The talking heads argued over the likelihood that it was simply bad luck, an industrial accident or anti-technology terrorists. Jena flashed back to the men's closed off faces, how Don wouldn't meet her eyes, and the mysterious bear. She felt sick inside. That had to be their target - it was the plant they were all supposed to have arrived at before the crash.

She watched all the footage, hoping to catch a glimpse of one of them in the crowds that showed up. To just see them again, even for a moment, even if it confirmed they were involved. To know they had really existed. But there was nothing. Not even a whisper.

The news was filled with endless speculation but no one could confirm who was involved or who was responsible. She could go through the rest of her life thinking they were alive and out in the world. Exploring. Adventuring. Her breath caught in her chest. Making love to another woman. Some stupid bunny that wouldn't cause them any problems. Who wouldn't keep pushing them to include her.

She had to accept it: they didn't want her. If they had wanted her, they would have found her by now. They would have sent a message. They wouldn't have drugged her and left her to be picked up by some random rescue team. She polished off her beer and flipped the TV off. She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes. She tried to ignore the hot tears that were burning tracks down her face.

She was used to being sad, lonely even. She knew what the future would hold for her. She would finally get lonely enough to crave the touch of another - to try and replace her memories, forget the moments of bliss and completeness she felt when she laid between Jack and Matt.

She'd go to a bar, drink until she didn't care and pick up some man that looked like one of them. The way Jack's hair flopped over his eyes. The particular curve of Matt's shoulders. The easy way they moved. She'd pretend she was with one of them, make love to a stranger and hate herself a little more each time.

She stood up and grabbed another beer. She considered just getting completely obliterated. She knew it wouldn't stop the pain but it would at least numb it for a few hours. She got up to raid her bar for something a little stronger when her phone rang.

Jena picked it up and said, "Hello." She hadn't bothered to look at Caller ID when a familiar voice said, "Just wanted to check on you, girlie."

She sank to the floor, the shock of hearing Don's voice rendered her silent, unable to speak for a few moments, before she finally said, "I'm fine, Don."

She tried to be calm about it, to keep the wild turmoil that filled her out of her voice. She didn't want him to know. In that moment, she would rather die than let him know just how badly she was hurting, how devastated they had left her. They all thought of her as a strong, unflappable wolverine and she wasn't about to stop them from thinking that. It was bad enough to be in love with men who would just abandon her, but she wasn't going to let them watch her lick her wounds. Or to feel pity for her.

Another rush of shame filled her. She told them everything about herself, laid herself open and vulnerable to them. She wouldn't let them come to her out of misplaced sympathy. She let the silence between them grow and smiled. She recognized the technique, most people rushed to fill silence. She would have thought Don would know she wasn't most people.

After a long pause, Don said, "Would have called you sooner, but couldn't get access." She thought she heard a grudging admiration in his voice.

She kept her voice flat and cold and said, "Hope you got that leg looked at."

"Ayup. They admired the job you did setting it."

"Gonna be in a cast long?" Jena tried to sound very casual and disaffected.

"Naw, they got me on some magic bone healing crap. Hate having to do it that way, but even the air cast is making me cranky. An old lady held the door for me this morning!"

"Didn't think they would be able to keep you down for long."

"Well, wanted to make sure they got you back safe and sound. I'm sure I'll run into you soon."

"Can't imagine why, but hope you have a fast recovery. Goodbye, Don."

Jena hung up before she could hear his response. She hadn't meant to end so sharply. He was just being polite. But she had to get off the phone. She had felt her mouth trying starting to ask about the other men. She would just rather know nothing about them. She had to start trying to forget everything that happened.

She rolled over on to her side on the floor and finally let the tears explode out of her. She had to let them go. They were gone, they had never really existed for her, no matter how Matt and Jack found their way into her heart.

~ * ~ * ~

Jena finally threw herself into the shower. Her sorrow left her barely functioning, but she was tired of moping around her little cottage. Not to mention her neighbors where starting to get nosy. The location was incredible, the fact that it was a little community of beach front cottages meant there just wasn't that much privacy.

She wandered out front and walked to the group mailbox at the edge of the road. As she walked back, she ran into Vera, one of her neighbors. She was a little older, but had scored big during the dotcom boom, diversified and retired to the little community.

"I was wondering when I'd see you again! You're behind on all the gossip."

Jena couldn't help but be pleasantly distracted and let Vera draw her into conversation. The woman never failed to cheer her up. Vera continued, "Well, you know that grumpy bat Mr. Garret finally moved? He met a women, got a lot less grumpy and they found a mountain retreat. Turns out the salty air was making him very uncomfy, and it's why he was always such a pain."

"Really? Is the cottage on for sale?" Jena knew it wouldn't be on the market long, it was the perfect spot, although the HOA required people lived there, not just vacation.

"Got snatched up. Very handsome man."

"Oh, my flavor?" Jena's heart wasn't in it, but she didn't want the other woman to suspect anything, but for once, Vera clammed up, finally saying, "Probably a little old for you."

Jena smiled and said, "Got your eye on him?"

Vera blushed and finally nodded. She said, "It's been a long time, but well, I've been a widow for longer than I care to recall. Time does heal all wounds, eventually."

"Do you really think so?" The wistful tone slipped out before she could stop it. Jena knew Vera and her husband had been so in love, and losing him so soon after retiring had devastated Vera. It was the first time she'd ever seen Vera even contemplate another partner. If Vera could finally find it in her to move forward, Jena couldn't help but feel a little hope.

"It's been building for a while. I still love Craig, I always will, but he's a memory in my heart. He never would have wanted me to go to bed alone for the rest of my life. It's been almost 10 years! I still think of him, but I can remember the good, and not the end. I've hidden myself a way for too long, it probably would have been healthier for me if I'd been forced to go out into the world, to meet people. This is just the first time I've met someone that made me think about anything other than wallowing."

They chatted back and forth about other people for a few minutes while Jena realized how close a call she'd had. She had been ready to lock herself away from everything and everyone. Jena knew she was going to have to find another assignment to lose herself in.

All of a sudden Vera blushed and straightened up. She waved to someone behind Jena, gesturing them over. Jena turned around.
This must be the mystery man that made Vera so giddy.
She was grateful that her back was to Vera, because it was Don coming down the path! She had no idea what to say, it never occurred to her that she would actually see him again. Was she supposed to pretend she didn't know him?

Don solved her conundrum when he greeted Vera and turned to her and said, "Why, Jena, it's good to see you! I had no idea you lived here." Before Vera could get upset or make the wrong assumption, he continued, "I piloted Jena off to some exciting assignment. I'll have you know she's an excellent passenger. No barfing."

He winked at her and Jena smiled. She knew she'd have to protect herself, she didn't want to relax around the one link to the men she ached for. She murmured politely, "Good to see you, Don. Glad you have Vera to show you around, she's the heart of this place."

Vera lightly punched Jena in the arm and said, "Well, not quite like that, but I do keep my eye out."

It wasn't just wanting to give Vera time with Don that made Jena disengage them as quickly as she could, but the cold shock that Don had not just shown up, but actually moved into her neighborhood. She couldn't help but feel a little hunted when she made her goodbyes and Don said, "I'll be seeing you around, I'm sure. Can't wait to hear how your story came out."

Chapter Seven

Seeing Don made everything come crashing back into her head. She was having nightmares. She suspected the only reason she hadn't had them before was the comfort she garnered sleeping wedged between Matt and Jack. But she woke up three nights in a row, with the plane was crashing again. In her dreams, it wasn't Jack and Matt pulling her free, Jason was circling her and she was trapped beneath wreckage.

On the third morning, when she sat up screaming, the scent of burning plastic and molten metal surrounded her, and Jason had a hold of her hair. It took her a long moment to realize she was in her bedroom. She crawled over to the window and threw it open. The blast of ocean air shocked the cobwebs of the dream away and hid her face in her hands.

Jena changed into her workout clothes. She had to burn out the pain again. She walked down to the shoreline and started running. Every step helped clear her mind. She wasn't in the woods. She was safe. She might be alone, but there was no reason to think Jason would hunt her down. It was all situational, besides, with his facility merrily burning, he wasn't likely to be thinking about an angry wolverine. She let the wind whip away the tears that steamed down her face.

Still, the fear lingered until she turned around and headed back down the shoreline. Then it was the loneliness of waking alone. She hated feeling like she needed anyone, anything. Ever since everyone had turned their backs on her, she was determined to be strong enough to never need anyone. She wasn't going to let some stupid dreams drive her towards people who wanted nothing to do with her. She got close to her cottage and slowed to a walk, giving herself a chance to cool off. As she approached, she saw the man she'd been avoiding sitting in the sand along her path.

He stood, so she felt she had to stop. He tossed her a water bottle, gestured next to him and sat back down. He looked over the water at the beautiful sunrise and Jena plopped next to him in the sand.

They sat in silence for a long while, just watching the birds cartwheel through the sky and the occasional dolphin break the surface of the water.

Don broke the silence and said, "How bad are the nightmares?"

Jena stared at her hands, deciding how to answer, before she finally said, "What are you talking about?"

He kept staring out over the ocean, ignoring her attempt to fob him off. Don said, "First of all, I've heard you every morning. God, not even morning. It's 6am now, and you've been running for an hour. Uncivilized hour and you look like hell. You are clearly not sleeping."

Jena shrugged at his words and said, "So, my sleep hasn't been great the last few days. It happens. I watched a scary movie."

Don just kept watching the dolphins playing in the waves. He said, "My first assignment that went bad, I had nightmares for months. ‘Til someone took me aside. I'm not inclined to let you go that long. It compounds."