Barely Breathing (35 page)

The house was dark when I entered. I flipped on the foyer lights and searched for signs that my mother had returned. Her car wasn't in the driveway. Her jacket wasn't in the closet.

I glanced at the clock and realized it was still early, so there wasn't need to worry... yet. I went upstairs to change and brush my teeth before returning to the living room and curling up on the couch to wait for her.

My eyes blinked open, and I pulled my head off the pillow, listening. I squinted to make out the glowing time on the cable box. It was after three in the morning. I quickly swept the blankets off to peer out the window, finding my car the only occupant of the driveway. I ran up the stairs and opened her door. Her bed sheets were still crumpled in her half hearted attempt to make her bed. She wasn't home.

I was trying not to panic, but I kept thinking of the night when Jonathan and I had to pick her up at the bar. What if something happened to her? What if she tried to drive home? My heart pounded with each racing thought, flashing through all the horrific possibilities.

I paced the foyer, trying to decide what to do, then instinctively picked up my phone.

"Was it a shoe?" Jonathan teased on the other end.

"She's not home," I burst out. "It's after three in the morning, and she's not home yet. What if something happened to her? What if―"

"Emma!" Jonathan raised his voice to get my attention. "What are you talking about?"

"My mother," I explained, my voice edged with panic. "She's still not home and I don't know what to do."

"Did you call her?"

It seemed so obvious a question. I closed my eyes and shook my head in embarrassment. "No."

"Call her and then call me back, okay?" he instructed calmly.

"Okay." I hung up and immediately called my mother's phone. I didn't know why I hadn't thought to do that originally. I guess the visual of her in a ditch, bleeding to death on the side of the road, distracted me from thinking clearly.

The phone rang three times before someone picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hi, this is Emily," I answered not recognizing the woman's voice. "I'm looking for Rachel."

"Oh," the woman croaked, obviously my call had woken her. "She's here, passed out."

"Um," I faltered, "where's
here
?"

"This is Sharon."

"Sorry," I blundered.

"Do you need to talk to her?"

"No, I'll see her in the morning." I hung up the phone and plopped down on the couch. I wanted to be relieved, and I was... mostly.

I called Jonathan back. "She's at Sharon’s. Sorry that I freaked out like that. I should have called her first. I wasn't thinking straight."

"Don't worry about it," he assured me. "Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to come over or anything?"

I paused, not expecting the offer. "Uh, no. I'm just going to bed. I have school in the morning."

I did go to bed. But I didn't sleep.

27. Lines Blurred

"Did you remember your bathing suit?"

"Huh?" I turned toward Sara, who was awaiting my answer with her shoulder against her locker. She'd caught me staring at nothing again. Thinking about my mother and wondering why I didn't see her this morning. I'd expected her to come home to get ready for work. Maybe she borrowed something from Sharon. From what I knew of Sharon, the choices must have been limited.

“You brought your bathing suit, right?" Sara repeated with her brows scrunched. "For Jill's party tonight."

"Yeah," I answered. "Are we staying at her place or going back to yours?"

"Not sure yet," she replied, walking next to me until we had to go our separate ways. "See you at lunch." I nodded and headed downstairs.

I felt like I was sleepwalking the entire day. The voices were murmurs of incoherent noise. I jotted down notes without really understanding what the teacher was talking about. Everything around me went by in a blur, but I was moving in slow motion.

I expected Sara and Evan to say something, but they didn't. It struck me that perhaps they weren't surprised by my glazed over stare and lack of contribution to their conversations. They always looked at me like they were worried, so today was apparently just like every other day. But it felt... off.

I wasn't sure I could explain it, but there was something that didn't feel right. I knew I was exhausted, not having slept more than a couple of hours, but it was more than that. There was a queasiness in the bottom of my stomach, like I had forgotten to turn off the iron or something―but much worse.

I drove to the soccer field after school. The rest of the soccer team hadn't arrived yet, since practice didn’t start for forty-five minutes. I usually did homework and changed at school, but today I drove straight here. I reclined my seat and stared up at the clouds, waiting. I figured I'd change as the rest of the girls started to arrive.

My lids became heavier the longer I stared. I closed them, convinced I'd wake when the cars began pulling in.

"Do you have your cleats?"

"Yup," I answered, picking them up by their laces.

"Do you have your shin guards?"

"Yup." I stuffed them under arm.

"Do you have your coach?"

"Daaad," I laughed. "Stop being silly."

"I just wanted to make sure you had everything," he teased. "Guess I'll be in charge of the soccer star." He scooped me up in his arms and tickled my belly, making me squirm and squeal in delight. The he pulled me in to kiss me on the cheek.

"We're going to win today," I told him, my voice proud and confident.

"We're going to
have fun
today," he corrected, rubbing the top of my head as he carried me to the car.

When we arrived at the soccer field, I raced ahead to join my friends while my dad unloaded the soccer balls out of the trunk.

But as I got closer, the kids' laughter grew quiet, and the wind picked up. I squinted against the bright sun, spinning in a circle. Everyone was gone.

"Dad?" I called out, searching for him. My hair whipped in my face. I clumsily pushed it out of my face, trying to see. "Dad!" I yelled, becoming more and more frightened. I spun around again, but I was alone. "Dad!" I screamed.

"Emma!" I opened my eyes and shot up in the seat, blinking around in surprise, disoriented by the sun setting behind the trees. There was a knock on my window.

"Emma, have you been in your car the entire time?" Casey asked from outside. She was sweaty and her face was flushed. I opened my door and swung my feet onto the dirt parking lot, trying to catch my breath. "You missed the entire practice."

"I did?" I shook my head, trying to pull away from the dream completely. "I can't believe I did that."

"I hope coach will let you play in the game on Sunday."

"Is he still here?" I asked, searching the fairly vacant lot.

"No," Casey replied. "I was about to leave when I saw your car. Are you okay? Are you sick or something?"

"No," I shook my head. "I got here early, and guess I dozed off. I still can't believe I slept that long. Wow."

"Are you going to Jill's tonight?"

"Yeah. I should get to Sara's. I'll see you there I guess."

"Okay," she replied with an unsure smile. "You'll be at practice tomorrow, right?"

"I will," I promised, hoping missing practice hadn't jeopardized my starting position for Sunday.

The team was part of a traveling spring soccer league. It wasn't affiliated with the school district, and there were strict rules about missing practice―especially since we only practiced a few days a week. Coach wanted to make certain every player was serious about being there. He was more than willing to replace anyone who slacked. I needed this league to get in shape for Stanford and didn't want to jeopardize it by falling asleep in my car.

When I arrived at Sara's, I found her and Anna laughing in the kitchen. Sara was taking bites from a slice of red pepper that she'd plucked from a cutting board while Anna cut up ingredients for a salad. I felt like I was intruding, and it struck me that I hadn't knocked. Maybe I was supposed to now that I didn't live here.

"Emma," Sara exclaimed when she saw me. "Perfect timing. You can tell my mother that she is wrong about Kyle, and that he's not going to bring his college friends to this party tonight."

"Um," I began, trying to catch up. "No, Kyle's not like that."

"Oh, because he likes hanging out with high schoolers, even though he graduated last year," Anna rebutted with a smirk. "I'm sure he's going to bring some friends from Syracuse."

I shook my head when she said it, realizing who that could mean. "I hope not."

Sara started laughing, catching sight of my dread. "That could mean Drew. Em, that would suck so bad. I have to call Jill." She disappeared upstairs before I could say anything, even though her phone was in the front pocket of her jeans.

"It's great to see you, Emma," Anna offered, mixing the contents of the salad in a bowl. "I feel like it's been a while since you've been over. How is everything going with your mother? I just had lunch with her the other day. She seems so happy."

"Really?" I tried not to sound so surprised. "Everything's really... good."

"I'm glad to hear that. She and I talk a few times a week, so I get the updates on your busy schedule. But we've missed having you around."

Before I could react to her comment, the front door opened and Carl bellowed hello.

"Hi, Dad," Sara said as she came down the stairs. They appeared around the corner together.

"Emma, I'm glad you're here," Carl acknowledged, setting down his briefcase. "How've you been?
              "Great," I replied automatically.

"I spoke with your Stanford coach today, and I have your housing information. I think we should look into booking a flight soon."

"Uh, yeah, sure," I replied, hit with the realization that graduation was only two months away. "I'm staying the night, so maybe we can do it tomorrow."

"Sounds good," he agreed. "I'm going to change before dinner." He kissed Anna on the cheek. "Do you need me to do anything?"

"No. Dinner's ready whenever you come down."

When Carl was out of earshot, Sara told us, "Jill said Kyle was bringing a few friends, but she wasn't sure who they were. But it's not going to be a crazy college party or anything, Mom."

"I just want you to be smart," Anna warned. "Call me if you need a ride home, okay?"

Sara smiled, her eyes twinkling, "Of course." I knew what she was thinking, that this party was just like any other―including the one we had here in their house, the one they still had no clue about.

We arrived early to Jill's, as promised. Jill needed our approval on her outfit―or I should say,
Sara's
approval. Casey was already there as well, along with... Analise.

I tried to keep smiling when I saw her, but I knew I’d failed when Sara elbowed me in the ribs. "I forgot she was coming," she whispered beside me. "I better not drink too much. I might get too honest."

I smirked, actually curious what Sara would say to Analise if she wasn't filtered.

"But if she mentions Evan
once
tonight, I may not be able to hold back, sober or not."

"Sara," I laughed, "he talked to her. It's been a little better the last couple of weeks."

"I suppose," she admitted with a sigh. "When's Evan getting here anyway? Who's he coming with?"

I pulled out my phone to check if he'd texted me. There was a missed call from an unfamiliar number along with a new voice message. My stomach flipped. "I can't remember," I admitted, suddenly distracted.

"You're particularly more out of it than usual today," she noted.

"I know," I sighed. I was about to make an excuse to go to the bathroom, so I could listen to the message, when I was interrupted by a scream.

Sara and I rushed into the room, where the scream was now followed by yelling. "You, fuck!" Jill reamed. "I can't believe you spilled a drink on Dad's leather couch. The party hasn't even started yet and you're already making a mess. Get out of here! Get out!"

The young guy with the bright red face and curly dark hair was trying to wipe up the mess with a piece of paper from the printer, which wasn't doing anything except spreading it around.

"Stop it," Jill scolded, "you're making it worse. I'm pissed that you have you to be here at all."

Casey squeezed by us with a roll of paper towels.

Sara pursed her lips to keep from laughing. "Glad I'm an only child."

That's when I recognized him from a family picture hanging on the wall in the dining room. He was Jill's younger brother.

"How old is he?" I asked, walking away from the drama and into the kitchen.

"He's a freshman," Sara told me. "I guess he threatened to tell Jill's parents about the party unless he and a few of his friends could stay. She was so pissed. Don't you remember her telling us this at lunch?"

"Uh, no. Another black out moment, sorry."

Sara scrunched her eyes. I knew she wanted to ask me if I was okay, but then she knew what my answer would be.

I looked at the clock and wondered what my mother was doing tonight. I’d texted her to say that I was staying over at Sara's, but she’d never responded. I still couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

"I'll be right back," I told Sara. "I'm going to use the bathroom while I still can." She nodded, and I walked down the hall and into the floral inspired bathroom.

I locked the door and pressed the code on my phone to listen to my message. It wasn't what I expected at all. "Hello, Emily. This is Vivian. I was hoping you were available for brunch on Sunday morning at eleven. I have someone I would very much like you to meet. You are welcome to call me back at this number. I look forward to hearing from you."

I removed the phone from my ear, completely taken by surprise.

Within an hour, the house was starting to fill with juniors and seniors, and the handpicked five or so freshmen who were friends with Jill's brother. Evan arrived with a couple of guys from the baseball team. When I saw their faces, I vaguely remembered him mentioning that he was coming with them.