Bad Rep (32 page)

Milla and Olivia were going crazy, dancing their asses off as Jordan started to beat out a sensual rhythm.  The muscles in his forearms stood out as he smashed his drumsticks down onto the kit.  The song started slowly, like the slide of a lover's hand down your body.  It was tantalizing and seductive.  Music meant to turn you on and get you wet.  And Jordan had written it for Olivia.  This
would not
make me feel the warm fuzzies.  Of that I was sure.

Riley and Damien had gotten to their feet, their arms curled around each other as they swayed together.  Couples were pairing off, touching and grinding.  Everyone responded to the primal beat Jordan laid out.  If just the music made me feel like this, I knew the lyrics would destroy me.  Maybe I was being overly sensitive but something instinctual took over when I realized Jordan had written a song for Olivia.  Even though it happened way before I came into the picture. I felt an irrational sense of betrayal.  And if I took the time to examine it closely I would realize it was because I loved him, sort of desperately, and I wanted all of his songs to be about me.  And only me.

I was nuts.  That's all there was to it.  I had to get my head together or I would lose my shit right there.

I watched in transfixed horror as Cole wrapped his hand around the mic and bent it low, looking into the crowd as he began to sing. 

You lie your head on my arm

your heart in my hand.

Lost in your eyes,

I have become a man.

Your body sings a song

Only I can hear,

Etched in the dark of my soul

Losing you is what I fear.

I've searched so long

for the promise of you.

Enthralled by your silence

I've got everything to lose.

Lost in your eyes

I have become a man.

Lost in you.

Lost in you.

Lost in you.

You moan my name

I play your game

I struggle to breathe

You're all that I need

You've become my forever

All I know is you

Enthralled by your silence

I've got everything to lose.

Forget the past

Hold on to me now

All we need is this

All we need...

Don't ask me to leave

I don't know that I can.

Lost in your eyes,

I've become a man.

Lost in you.

Lost in you.

Lost in you.

Cole's voice trailed off into a whisper as he sang intimately to the frantic crowd below him.  The song was beautiful.  No, beautiful didn't even begin to describe it.  The love that had gone into writing those lyrics made me feel raw and vulnerable.  Because it came back to the fact that Jordan had written them about someone else. Someone who had shared his life for three fucking years.  How the hell could I ever compete with that sort of devotion?

I watched Olivia sway to the music as though it were calling to her personally.  I could see that she was singing along with Cole and I felt tears sting my eyes.  I knew she watched Jordan as he played his drums.  Playing the song he had written just for her. 

Oh god.  I was done. So 100% done!  I was a freaking idiot!  What Jordan and I had was nothing compared to that. The fight I had felt earlier when confronting Olivia fizzled out in a sad sort of whimper.  Did we really have anything worth fighting for?  Listening to that damn song, doubt spread like a cancer through my mind.  So what was I going to do?  Run and hide.  Because that's what I did best, and when you were good at something, why change it? 

I got to my feet.  “I'm going home,” I announced as the band began to play a rowdy version of the Beatles' I Wanna Hold Your Hand.  Riley looked at me in surprise. 

“What?  But they're only half way through the set.  What about Garrett's party?”  I looked up at the stage.  At Jordan who was completely immersed in his music.  Nope.  I couldn't do this.  I didn't belong here.  I didn't belong with him.  Who was I kidding?

“I just want to go,” I said shortly.  I was angry and hurt.  However nonsensical my feelings were, they had a death grip on my heart and wouldn't let go.  This whole thing with Jordan had been a big heap of angst from the very beginning and right then I was so over it all.  Damien looked from Riley to me in confusion.

“Is everything alright?” he asked with concern.  I gave him, what I hoped was a convincing smile. 

“Yep, everything is just peachy.  But I'm heading out.  You guys can go to Garrett's without me, it'll be cool.”  Riley got to her feet. 

“What about Jordan?  What do I tell him?”

My eyes trailed over to Olivia who was thoroughly enjoying herself.  Riley followed my gaze and a knowing look crossed her face. 

“Mays...” she started but I held my hand up to stop her. 

“I think he'll be busy.  So, don't bother to say anything.  Later.”  And with that, I turned on my heel and left the bar.  Outside, I pulled out my phone and called a cab.  I was a big, fat wimp. I knew that.  But I didn't care.  Because my new boyfriend had just played a song he wrote for his ex-girlfriend and I felt like total crap.  I knew I was probably being very immature about the whole thing.  But again, I didn't fucking care.

So I went home, put on my comfiest pjs and went to bed.  I put my phone on my dresser.  You know, just in case Riley needed something.  Oh, who was I kidding.  I wanted to see if Jordan would call.  I was beyond ridiculous.

My phone stayed conspicuously silent.

Chapter Eighteen

I woke up the next morning entirely too early for a Sunday, feeling very unrested.  I had tossed and turned most of the night, my ears pricking up at the slightest sound.  I couldn't help but obsessively wonder whether Jordan would call or come by.  He had to recognize my very purposeful burn by not waiting for him after the show for what it was. 

But, I didn't hear from him.  Finally, after checking my phone for the thousandth time, I turned it off around five in the morning. I was driving myself certifiably crazy.   So at an ungodly 9:00, I got out of bed and what was the first thing I did?  I grabbed my phone off the bedside table and turned it on, only to find that there were no texts.  No missed calls.  Zilch.  Nothing.  Nada. 

I angrily pulled my robe of the hook on the back of the door and shoved my arms through the sleeves.  I didn't know what to do with this desolate feeling inside.  But one thing was for sure, I was sick of moping over some stupid guy.  The whole thing irritated me to no end.  I was sick of guys and the way girls forgot all sense when they were in the picture.  It was beyond annoying and completely degrading. 

I opened my bedroom door and saw Riley coming down the hallway.  “Just getting home?” I asked, smiling at her.  At least one of us got lucky last night.  Riley shrugged and looked like she was about to drop. 

“
Long night.  I need sleep,” she mumbled, heading into her room. 

“Hmm, now what could have kept you up all night?” I teased.  Riley rolled her eyes. 

“Save your sexual innuendos for when I can respond with my normal sarcasm.”  She opened her door and started go into her room when I reached out to grab her arm. 

I needed to know if she had talked to Jordan.  I was downright desperate to find out his reaction to seeing I had left.  Had he gone to the party with Olivia?  Ugh!  Should I just have Riley pass him a note in study hall asking him to check a box if he liked me? 

So instead I played it safe. “How was the rest of the show?” I asked as casually as I was able.  Riley gave me a smirk and then snorted out a laugh.  What was so funny? 

“Why don't you go ask Jordan,” she said shaking her head as though she were talking to a very small child.  What was with the condescending bullshit first thing in the morning? 

“Huh?” I asked in confusion.  Riley shook her head again and went into her room, closing the door behind her.  Okay, enough with the cryptic messages.  It was way too early and I was entirely too sleep deprived.  I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.  I looked exhausted, dark circles ringing my eyes.  I needed coffee, stat.

I trudged out to the living room and froze.  Jordan was sitting on the couch, his arms hanging limply between his knees, a hard look on his face.  I took a deep breath.  “Uh, what are you doing here?” I asked, though I couldn't help but feel the first twinges of hope mixing with the anxiety and anger in my belly.  Jordan looked at me, an unreadable expression on his face.  He didn't get to his feet, he stayed seated, tension radiating from him.

“Chasing after you...again,” he replied coldly.  Oh, whatever.  He could chase himself right out the door.  I didn't need this.  I blew out a breath and waited for more of an explanation.  Hell if I would ask him for one.

Jordan grunted in exasperation.  “Riley let me in when she got home a few minutes ago. I've been waiting outside since about four this morning.”  What?  That was the most moronic thing I had ever heard. 

“Why didn't you just knock on the door like any sane person would do?” I asked him sharply. 

“Because I had to make sure I didn't come in here and scream my fucking head off, alright!” he raised his voice and then struggled to get himself under control.  Oh shit, he was pissed.  But that just made me even more irritated.  I shoved my hands into the pockets of my robe and leveled my own frosty glare in his direction. 

“Well, no one asked you to come here,” I pointed out.  Jordan rubbed his buzzed head in frustration. 

“What the fuck, Mays?  Is this how it's going to be every time you get a tiny bit mad?  You're going to run and hide like a twelve year old and wait for me to come and plead forgiveness for some crime that you've invented in that messed up head of yours?”  He bit out.

What the hell?  There was no need for any of that.  “Fuck you, Jordan!  If you're just going to come into my home and lob insults at me, you can turn around and leave.” I felt my face heat up and my blood pressure rise.  The skin tightened around his eyes and he took a deep breath. 

“Okay, I admit, that was uncalled for.  But can we talk about this like rational adults, please?” 

“
Talk about what?” I asked snottily, refusing to back down an inch.  Jordan's eyes snapped to mine as the veins on his neck bulged.  He got to his feet and stalked toward me.  I backed up until I was against the wall.  He put his hands on either side of my head and leaned in close, our faces mere inches apart.  I felt dizzy at his proximity.  And I wanted to kiss him. 

“Can you stop with the shitty attitude for two seconds?  Or do I need to hogtie you to the bed to get you to listen to me?” he whispered, leaning in dangerously closer.  My heart began to race and I felt my traitorous body begin to respond to him, just like it always did.  He was even more gorgeous when he was angry.  He oozed alpha male and it made me want to tangle myself around him like an octopus and never let go.

“Why should I listen to anything you have to say?  I wasn't the one that invited my ex to a show where my current girlfriend was also in attendance.  And I wasn't the one who played a love song in front of a room full of people that I had written for said ex-girlfriend.”  I hated how jealous I sounded.  But I couldn't stop the words pouring out in one long stream. 

Jordan's brow knit together.  “So that's it?  You're just going to make your ridiculous assumptions without even talking to me first?” he asked, his eyes boring into mine.  I held perfectly still. 

“Can you deny any of it?” I asked, my eyes going steely.  Jordan let out a deep sigh and backed away, leaving the space he inhabited cold and bereft. 

“Maysie, I can't do this if you're going to let everyone and everything dictate what happens between us.  Relationships are built on trust and communication.  If something upsets you, you have to tell me about it then we work it out together.  But this running away and hiding crap has to stop.  We're not in high school anymore.  When will you understand that I can't control what people say and do?  I wish I could.  What we have going on isn't going to be easy.  It will be downright hard.  But I believe it's worth it.  That
you
are worth it.   But if you're going to throw a temper tantrum every time you feel threatened we might as well call it quits right now.”