Bad Boy's Honor: An MMA Bad Boy Romance (17 page)

Please say that’s what it is.

“Yeah, probably. God, I hope not though. Not after the last time.”

“The last time?”

“Nick… oh, it’s not my place to say. Riker will tell you when he’s ready. You two are close.”

I nodded, although I don’t think Duke had meant it as a question.  

“Then he’ll tell you,” Duke said with confidence.  

“I don’t mind either way. He’s just my trainer.”

Duke nodded, but his grin made it clear he didn’t believe me.

“I hope you’re not going home without a workout?” he asked.

“I ran for miles.”

“Running’s just a warm up exercise. You need to fight. I’ll see if anyone else is around to teach you for a bit.”

“No,” I said quickly. Riker might be out with another woman, but if I trained with someone else, I’d still feel like I was cheating on him.

“Tell you what, let’s go down to the cage and spar for real.”

“I’m not ready for that,” I replied. “I wouldn’t know what to do in a cage.”

“That’s why we need to get you down there. Gotta practice at some point. Besides, unless I’m very much mistaken, you look like you need to hit something right now. Am I right?”

One hundred percent.

“I suppose I have some energy to burn off.”

Duke knew exactly what I needed in that moment. For the first time since I’d started training, I fought like a fighter. I landed punch after punch with an aggression that slightly scared me, but Duke egged me on all the way.  

We didn’t stop until Duke needed a rest. He was in better shape than I’d expected for someone of his age and size, but he could only take so many punches.

“Thanks,” I said to Duke. “I needed that.”

“Yeah, I could tell. Want me to give you a lift home?”

“No, I could do with the walk tonight.”

“Okay. See you tomorrow?”

“Unless Riker cancels again,” I joked.

My prevailing thought as I walked home, was that I wanted to talk to Alison. I should have told her about Riker from the start. At least that way I would have someone to vent my anger on right now. She’d always been a great listener and a much better friend than I had been to her over the years.

Alison would know why Riker had me in such a mess. My experience with men over the last few years had been limited. I’d been with boyfriends, but I’d always played it safe. Good matches on paper that didn’t raise any eyebrows. They just didn’t do much else for me.

The second I started telling Alison about Riker, she’d know it was serious from the tone of my voice. Just the fact that I was talking to her about a man would give it away. Previous break-ups had been solved over a glass of wine, a movie, and some ice cream.  

I’d only been on one date with Riker, but I already knew it would take a lot more than alcohol and comfort food to move past him.  

A lot more.

In all the times I’d been to Tracy’s apartment, I’d never seen it anything other than immaculate. Not today.

She hadn’t cleaned up in days, and had resorted to take-out and microwave meals, with the containers still lying around on the table.  

Old photo albums were on the sofa from where she no doubt had been looking at old pictures of Nick. I was probably in a good deal of them as well. We’d rarely been apart as kids up until the age of about seventeen. Then we’d drifted apart. Me spending five years in prison hadn’t exactly helped.

I needed to know what happened, but at the same time, I knew it wouldn’t do any good. Nick was dead; what difference did it make how it happened?

“You want a drink?” Tracy asked.  

“Whiskey.”

“I don’t have any alcohol in the house,” Tracy replied.

I grimaced as I remembered the battle Tracy had fought with her drinking problem while we’d been together. She’d always liked a drink, but then I did as well, so it took me a while to notice that I rarely saw her sober.

Eventually, she gave booze up completely, and now she was a bit of a health freak, even by my standards. Alcohol was still my one vice; everyone needed a sin to indulge in.

“Sorry,” I muttered. “I’ll just have a green tea then.”  

Tracy made the drinks, while I took in the changes to her apartment since we’d stopped dating. The pictures of us together had largely disappeared except for the ones where Nick was in the photo as well.

The furniture had been moved around a bit, but Tracy was always messing around with that depending on the season, position of the stars, or whatever other nonsense she’d read online that week. She was remarkably intelligent, but that didn’t stop her from following a lot of crap if it came from someone with a Ph.D.

Tracy handed me a drink and we sat down on the small sofa. I did my best to keep a distance between us, but there wasn’t a lot of room. Our legs weren’t touching, but I could already see her inching closer, desperate for physical comfort from me.

“What happened with Nick?” I asked. “The last time I saw him he was in good shape.”

“And when was that? Six months ago? Nine?”

I nodded. More like a year. Time had gone so quickly, and it’s not like Nick had reached out to me either.  

“Things were awkward the last time we spoke,” I admitted. “Ever since I got out of prison, things haven’t been the same between us.”

And now they never will be.

“He’d been on a downward slope for years,” Tracy said, less anger in her voice now. “At first, there was just the one-off fight, or a slap on the wrist from the police. Then there were arrests, but the charges never stuck. He got shot once.”

“When?” I asked. I may not have been a huge part of Nick’s life over the last few years, but I would have remembered if he’d been shot.

“While you were in prison. That’s why he didn’t come to visit you for a few months. He didn’t want you to know.”  

There were quite a few spells where Nick hadn’t been to visit me, but I didn’t tell Tracy. I’d put it down to guilt on Nick’s part, but it still infuriated me. I’d spent many nights in prison wondering where the hell he was. After everything I’d done for him…

“Me going to prison should have been a wake up call,” I said tersely.  

Now it was my turn to be angry. I knew it was only temporary. The anger would fade, but the guilt never would.

“You did a lot for him,” Tracy said. “But Nick never asked for your help. He didn’t want you to go to prison for him. I think that tore him up even more.”

“So me taking the rap for him is why he’s dead? Is that what you’re saying?”  

“No, no of course not.” Tracy reached out and put a hand on my leg. She wasn’t crying anymore, but I sensed she was only barely keeping it all together.

The last person I should be angry at right now was a grieving sister, but I couldn’t help it. I’d done everything I could to help Nick, but all my sacrifices had been in vain. Tracy might be right. Nick would have been better off going to jail in my place. If he had done, he might be alive today.

“Who killed him?” I asked. I couldn’t bring Nick back, but I could damn sure see that his killer got what was coming to him.

“Who the hell knows?” Tracy replied. “I doubt even the killer knows. There was a big shootout. Nick’s crew started it as far as I can tell. A kid on the other side died as well. No doubt there will be more deaths to follow as they all try to get justice, but...”

Tracy shook her head, but didn’t continue talking. Tracy had escaped the poverty of our neighborhood by working hard at school and going to a good college. She now earned decent money, and had tried to use it to help Nick, but some people just didn’t want saving.

God knows I’d tried.

“I did everything I could,” Tracy mumbled, fighting back the tears now. “I’m sure I did.”

I knew those words well, and I knew what they meant. She was trying to convince herself. Trying not to feel guilty. I hoped she had more success with that than I’d had.

“You couldn’t have saved him,” I pointed out, talking to myself as much as to Tracy.  

I spent five years in jail for him, and that didn’t help either. Five fucking years of my life, and for what? So he could go back to his old ways and end up getting shot?  

I didn’t even notice Tracy rest her head on my shoulder until she snuggled up against me and wrapped an arm around my waist.  

This couldn’t happen. I already found it hard enough losing Nick. I didn’t want to lose Nora too.

“Can you stay tonight?” Tracy asked. “I really don’t want to be by myself.”  

A friend would have said yes in a heartbeat, but Tracy and I weren’t friends, no matter what we’d agreed when splitting up. We were former lovers, and that was it. I hadn’t missed her since she’d been out of my life and if it weren’t for Nick we might never have seen each other again.

“I should go home,” I replied.

Tracy squeezed me tightly in response. “I don’t want you to go. We don’t have to get too carried away. It would just be good to have someone to snuggle up to in bed.”

Tough love seemed like the best approach right now.

I took hold of her hand and pulled it off my waist, before standing up and leaving her looking despondent on the couch.

“I need to leave.”

“Fucking hell, Riker. My brother’s just died. And he’s your best friend. Or at least, he was. Can’t you just put our history behind us for one night. I just need a friend.”

“I can’t be the friend that you snuggle up to in bed. We both know what happens when we get in bed together. I’m not going to get back into this mess because of what happened with Nick. That won’t help anyone.”

“Fine,” Tracy folded her arms and looked away from me. “Get out of here then. One of us needs to grieve.”

I didn’t have the energy to argue. It wouldn’t have done any good anyway. Tracy knew I would grieve too; I just didn’t want to do it with her in my arms.  

Just being here felt like I was betraying Nora. Spending the night with Tracy would definitely be a betrayal. I wouldn’t be able to look Nora in the eyes again.

“Let me know about the funeral.”

“Sure you can be bothered to attend? Wouldn’t want things getting complicated.”

I was used to Tracy acting immature and petty, but it really stung this time. She was going to the heart of the guilt that had been keeping me awake at night for years. Had I done enough to save Nick?

I’d gone to prison for him, but since my release, we’d barely kept in touch. If I’d been there for him… He probably still would have died, but I couldn’t know for sure. That uncertainty was going to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Before leaving, I grabbed a photo of just Nick and me that was laying on a coffee table. Tracy wouldn’t miss it, and I was suddenly very aware of how few photos I had of him. Camera phones weren’t around when we were up to mischief, and I’d missed most of the smartphone revolution by being locked up.

I walked home in a numb trance, and went to bed without eating. I stayed awake until the anger faded away enough to let me drift off. The guilt would come soon. That was when the sleepless nights would truly begin.

The next morning I found a message on my phone from Duke scolding me for canceling the training session with Nora.

Nora. I owed her an apology. Again. For someone who wasn’t the apologizing type, I sure was getting a lot of practice recently.

Nora was worth it though. I should probably tell her that before it’s too late.