Avra's God (29 page)

A girl who knows my soul, my past ...

He’d poured his heart into this song all
night. Was it coming through? Mac pinged the rhythm on the high
hat. Jesse moved into the chorus.

Oh, I’m lookin’ for forever,

’
Cause forever’s been
hidin’.

I’m lookin’ for forever

Lookin’ for forever

And I’m goin’ home to find it.

Two verses and three runs through the chorus
later, the last note faded. The wind tossed leaves against Zig’s
garage wall. Mac twirled a drumstick, his eyes fixed somewhere over
Jesse’s shoulder. Bailey opened his mouth to speak, then stopped.
Instead, his eyes shifted to Zig.

“Song’s good, Jesse.” Zig nodded
thoughtfully. “Really fine.”

Jesse’s fingers still pinched a guitar fret.
He did a double take at Zig, weighing his sincerity. Zig’s jealousy
ran a brackish current under everything they did. Warmth eased into
his chest. “Can we use it for the Florida State Competition?”

Zig rubbed the two-day growth on his chin.
“We want to
win
that recording contract.” He glanced at
Bailey, then Mac.

“And I don’t?”

“I’ve never seen a ballad take that show.
We’re doin’ ‘Crush Vanity.’“

“That song’s loud and simple.”

Mac tapped the “Crush Vanity” rhythm on his
drum pad. Jesse wanted to grab the sticks out of his hands and hurl
them.

“‘
Forever’ can win it. It’s
probably the best song I’ve ever written.”

“Don’t get me wrong, it’s a cool tune. We’ll
put it in our concert lineup—” Zig said.

“Not good enough.” Jesse was sick and tired
of being under Zig’s thumb. “Forever” was an intricate song whose
lyrics had substance—which was more than could be said of fifteen
repetitions of
Crush vanity, crush vanity, vanity’s comin’
down.
“I quit.”

“You what?” Zig gaped.

Jesse laid his guitar in its case and snapped
the latches shut. “I quit.”

Mac’s jaw clenched. “The contest is going to
be our ticket to the big time”

Jesse stepped toward the cobweb-matted door.
“Later.”

“We can’t find and train a replacement in a
month!” Zig slung at his back.

“Not my problem.” Jesse walked through the
door into the oleander-scented wind.

A knee-jerk decision, but he’d been headed in
this direction for months. He really
was
looking for
forever, and he wouldn’t find it on the road with a band, with a
bobblehead, even with Marissa. And he sure wasn’t spending forever
with Zig. The moon illumined white oleander blooms dancing in the
wind on the neighbor’s bush—his personal liberation celebration. He
filled his lungs with their perfume and headed for his car.

During the first set at
Beach Rats
’
reunion concert, Jesse spied Kallie crossing Beachin’ Willie’s
parking lot in front of his parents, Cal, and Missy who leaned
against Mom’s Dodge Caravan. He hit a wrong chord. Two. His fingers
clamped against the fret. Billy and Cisco ended the song without
him.

Kallie said something to Avra and sat behind
the sound table without glancing at the stage.

Dad crossed his arms.

He hates the music
.

He motioned Billy over to Cisco at the drums.
Dad would freak if they did their heavy numbers. “Guys, finish the
set with “
Lookin’ For Forever
”
—
I’ll solo because you
guys don’t know it
—
“
Spinnin’ on a Kiss,
” and
“
Kallie in the Clouds.
”

Cisco shot a glance toward the corner of the
parking lot where Jesse’s family stood. “Got it.”

“‘
Ice Girl
’
—”
Billy said.

“Sorry.” He wasn’t singing “
Ice Girl
”
and “
Neon Green
” with Kallie there.

His fingers picked the first notes of
“
Lookin’ for Forever
” as he headed for his mic.

He scanned the lot for Kallie while he played
the intro to “
Spinnin
’, ” but Avra sat alone and Kallie was
nowhere in sight.
Crap.
He closed his eyes, blocked out Dad
sitting on the curb, and sang the song to her.

Two kids—a stratosphere apart—

Connected by a slender thread

That weaves through then and forever.

In the middle of “
Kallie in the
Clouds
” he spotted her curled in a ball on a bench facing the
Atlantic. His voice caught. As he sang the last lines of the song,
Kallie’s head turned toward him, but she was too far away to see
her expression. “
And I still care, still care for you
.” The
words were as true as when he wrote them.

His family stood, dusting sand off their
backsides.

“Take fifteen,” he said to Cisco and
Billy.

Time to get this over with. He headed toward
Mom’s van. With any luck at all, they’d be packing it in before the
next set. Mom liked to be in bed by nine and it had to be after
ten.

Cal shook the sand out of a flip-flop. “Hey
Bro. Dude, most excellent tunes. Geez, would you do some up-tempo?
It’s not a funeral. Hey, can I catch a ride or drive your wheels
home?”

“Whatever,” Jesse said. Dad never would have
let him come home past midnight when he was sixteen. Or wear his
hair to his chin. He could take a lesson from Cal in handling
Dad.

“Later.” Cal headed toward Beachin’
Willie’s.

His mother smiled. “Good job, Jesse. Those
original songs?”

He nodded, her praise warming him.

“Lot of talent in this family.” Mom said.

“You’re just saying that because we get it
from you—” He glanced at Dad. “The artistic thing. You dance, Cal
paints—”

“I’m me!” Missy chimed in.

Jesse chucked her on the arm. “Somebody had
to get the short end of the talent stick.”

Missy took a swipe at him with her foot.

Mom dropped an arm around Missy’s shoulders.
“Come find the restroom.”

“You did get some things from me, you know,”
Dad said as Mom and Missy walked away, discussing whether Missy
truly needed an Orange Crush.

“I didn’t mean—”

“I know. You’re a hard worker. You’ve put a
lot into your music. Not many people learn an instrument, write
songs, form a band, land gigs.”

“I thought you were going to tell me I was
going straight to hell.”

Dad gave a little shake of his head. “The
flip side of being a hard worker is workaholism. I should have
spent more time with you when you were growing up and you’d know me
better than that. I should have been to all your games, come to a
concert a year ago, patched things up between us long before that.
I’m going to try harder with Cal and Missy. With you—if it’s not
too late.”

“It’s not.”

Dad chuckled. “This was family night. Cal
wasn’t having it till we mentioned JB’s Fish Camp and your
concert.”

“Rock’s not a sin?”

“Haven’t seen any type of music nixed in the
Bible. The dancing—” He gestured toward the lot where kids had been
dancing. “Pretty sure this wasn’t how David danced before the Lord.
But, the important thing is what’s going on between you and God.
So?”

“Détente.”

“Could be worse.

“Has been worse.” Jesse braced himself for a
sermon.

“I’m praying for you.”

Avra was too. He was pretty sure. “Thanks.”
For skipping the sermon.

“I’m proud of you, Son.”

Kallie closed her eyes and let Jesse’s voice
spill the unfamiliar song over her.

But I’m achin’ for love that lasts,

A girl who knows my soul, my past.

Oh, I’m lookin’ for forever,

’Cause forever’s been hidin’.

I’m lookin’ for forever,

Lookin’ for forever,

And I’m goin’ home to find it.

All the months of purging Jesse wiped out in
two minutes. Desire—to be the girl who knew his soul, his past, the
one he came home to find—throbbed against her heart. But she wasn’t
that girl. She’d known him less than two years. The
no
he’d
said in Denny’s clattered in her chest.

I have to get out of here.
She headed
for the beach. She’d have to move away from New Smyrna Beach to
break free of her fixation on Jesse. Graduation couldn’t come soon
enough.

The intro to “Spinnin’ on a Kiss” froze her
feet to the seawall. She sunk down on a bench.

“I wanna know you’re gonna be there ...”

Unfortunately, I’m still here for you, Jess.
But I won’t be for much longer. I promise.

“Walkin’ ‘round in my soul ...”

At least that’s not happening anymore. One
glimpse of your needing me and I’ll lose any ground I gained in the
last three months.

“You’re sweetness and edginess, the muse in
my veins ...”

Not anymore.

“You’re the song I’ve yet to sing ...”

A song you’ll never sing.

“Don’t wanna break your heart, girl ...”

Too late.

“Don’t want you body and soul ...”

Obviously.

“Just wanna be your friend, maybe your best
friend ...”

I can’t do it.

“Don’t wanna say good-bye. I wanna hang on
...”

I’m a masochist.
She needed to get up,
walk the length of the parking lot, get into Mom’s car, and drive
home. Sitting here was like carving her heart out of her chest with
a switchblade.

Jesse sang the first line of “
Kallie in
the Clouds
,” the song that made her break up with Zack, and she
hugged her knees to her chest.
Oh God.
She needed to
run
to the car. Now. But she couldn’t move. She’d never
heard him sing it.

Emotion spilled out in his voice, warm
yearning, wrapping around her so much tighter than his arms had,
and there was no way she could brush him off and run away.

She twisted around.

Jesse looked in her direction, but he
probably didn’t know she was sitting here. Just for a minute, she
would pretend Jesse meant the words he sung.

“You gotta know that I’m still here, and I
still care, still care for you.”

Love me.

Beach Rats
congregated at Avra’s after
Beachin’ Willie’s. Avra glanced around the room to see if anybody
needed anything. Billy sat in a chair facing Cisco on the sofa.
Kallie chatted with her besotted brothers, Kurt on the loveseat
beside her, and Drew sprawled on the floor at her feet. The front
window sheers ruffled in the breeze; two-liter soda bottles and
Styrofoam cups littered the coffee table.

She’d thought Cisco would disappear from her
life after their Saturday night drama or that seeing him would be
mega awkward. But neither happened. True, he didn’t come on
Saturday mornings. He quit pursuing her. But she saw him at church
on Sundays, ran into him around campus and town more than she had
in months.

It seemed pointless to tell him she hadn’t
meant for him to stop coming on Saturdays since she still didn’t
know if she wanted to go out with him. But now, post-forgiveness,
she had peace.

She answered the door to Jesse, who leaned
against the doorjamb as if he might fall asleep standing. She
stepped back to let him in and handed him her untouched pizza on a
paper plate.

The concert had strung Kallie out. She
stiffened when she saw Jesse and turned her back on him.

Jesse took a long look at Kallie before he
flopped down on one end of the sofa and reached for the Pepsi.

The only seat left in the room was beside
Cisco. Avra’s shoulder pressed against his arm when she sat. She
sucked in a breath.

Cisco stopped what he was saying to Billy,
“Yeah, well—” when her arm connected with his. He looked at her and
smiled, seeming to forget about Billy.

She put out a hand toward the Sprite, but
settled back against Cisco’s shoulder without pouring it. She
didn’t want to break the connection. Conversation swirled around
them and she lost track of time.

Billy said his good nights and left.

“You ready?” Jesse said to Cisco, “I’m
beat.”

“Yeah.” Cisco turned toward her, breaking the
contact. “This was nice. Thanks for sitting by me.” He bent toward
her.

He was going to kiss her in a room full of
people? When they weren’t even spending time together anymore?

He jerked to a stop as if he realized what he
was doing. He squeezed her hand and stood. “I’ll see you at
church.”

Jesse stood with his hand on Avra’s doorknob.
Cisco had slumped back on the couch, his eyes on Avra as if he’d
forget what she looked like if he didn’t take a good look now.

Kallie had sat on the loveseat with Kurt and
Drew fanned around her like the queen and her subjects all evening.
But Kurt had gone upstairs and Drew slept on the floor. She’d
looked at Jesse for the briefest second when Avra let him in, no
expression in her eyes, how she’d been since Denny’s.

He glanced toward Kallie. Did she even notice
he was leaving?

Kallie caught his gaze and held it. “Remember
the night you quoted those Bible verses to me on the stadium
bleachers?”

His gut clenched.
Are you talking to me
now?
“Yeah, I remember.”

“Those were the verses that connected me with
God.” Her eyes sparkled and swept over Avra and Cisco, stopping on
him.

She looked so radiant he had trouble focusing
on what she said.

“It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time,
but my life has been completely different since then.” Her gaze
didn’t leave him. “You said you were trying to stay out of God’s
way because you didn’t want him running you. Well, I
like
him running me. It’s a relief. I don’t feel like part of me is MIA
anymore. And—” Her glance took in Avra and Cisco. “You’ll be glad
to hear, I’m less whacked than I used to be.” She laughed
softly.