As I Am (20 page)

“Kyle. My buddy Nick’s older brother,” he tells me.

“Cal
… what does Kyle have to do with this?” I’m watching Cal and can’t believe that this is all a performance just to escape blame. His body is hunched over and he’s looking at his shaking hands. “Cal …”

“I liked her. Not just as part of the whole setup. I really liked her. She was smart and pretty. You remind me of her.” Cal catches my eyes as he recalls his feelings for Kara. “I told Kyle I didn’t want to do anything with her like that. He told me I had to or I would be out of The League and he’d make sure I was a laughing
stock at Westchester.”

“What happened, Cal?”

“I … told her to meet me in the woods near the pavilion. We talked for a little bit and then I tried to kiss her. It was fine at first, but then I think she got nervous. She started to tear up and that’s when I stopped. I apologized and she said she it wasn’t that she didn’t like me, it was that she just wasn’t ready for that. So, we just hung out and talked for a while. Brandon and Nick were nearby watching things unfold. They must have gotten Kyle because a few minutes later he was approaching and he looked pissed.” Cal’s voice begins to tremble. “I tried to hold him off, but … he told me he was going to show me how it was done.”

“What?”

“I didn’t want to, but he made me stay. He made me … watch. I wanted to run, but I couldn’t leave her there.” His face turns red as he works to hold back tears, but they’re streaming down his face. “She cried … and cried. She asked me to help her, but … I was a coward. I just stood there telling her I was sorry.”

“You watched him rape her?”

“NO! He didn’t … he didn’t do that. It was just as horrifying, though.” Cal’s face is back in his hands and his whole body is shaking as the tears he’s held back for all these years break free. “After, when Kyle left her there slumped against that tree, I went to her and she let me hold her while she cried.”

“What about the journal entry?”

“Kyle made me write it. He dictated it to me. I should never have gone along with any of it, but … my dad was a part of The League and I just wanted to be part of something. I wanted to tell my dad what The League was turning into. The way he always talked about it, it was a social club to teach wealthy boys how to be gentlemen. By the time I got in, it was nothing like what my father described. It became this twisted fraternity with pledging and hazing and …” Cal shakes his head and wrings his hands, disturbed by the reality of what was supposed to be a family tradition.

“So why carry it on now? Why excuse the boys for what happened with Margaret?” If he’s so against what The League has become, he should have defended Margaret, not the boys.

“Brandon told me what the boys were doing that night. It was way too reminiscent of what happened with me and I was afraid if I didn’t stop them that Brandon would go out there like Kyle did. I don’t think he’d
do
what Kyle did, but I couldn’t risk that. I was on my way out there to stop them but Miller beat me to it. Call it pride or being just being a jerk, but … I couldn’t back down in front of the boys after being challenged by Miller.” He sighs heavily. “You need to know that I felt really bad about that night, Kinley. I went back to The Lodge to tell Brandon it was time to chill things out …”

“But you didn’t. I heard you that night.
All you did was tell him that the boys needed to keep the journal hidden.” I finish his sentence, afraid he won’t be honest with me about what he really told Brandon.

“I was a coward then, and I’m a coward now. I’m not proud of
what happened that night, or many nights since then. But I’m working on being better. You know … one of the reasons I loved being friends with you this year was because all our communication was through email. I could tell you things that I couldn’t tell anybody. I could be real with you. Since that night I always felt like I was hiding, but with you … I never felt like I had to hide. I’m sorry that I screwed that up.”

I want to yell and scream at him for allowing something to horrific to happen to Kara. He should have told someone.
He should have told his father. He could have saved her life. But … he was just a little boy, and somewhere along the line The League started convincing them that they had to be men. At fourteen, no one is prepared to be a man or a woman. We’re completely ill prepared for the decisions and accountability that comes with adulthood. Hell, most people
my
age are ill prepared.

I understand what it’
s like to want to stand up for yourself, but feeling like you can’t; feeling too scared and weak to be brave. It’s a debilitating fear that you’ll lose the things that you think you love and need the most so you just don’t say anything at all. The chips fall where they may, but people get hurt in the process …
you
get hurt in the process.

Instead of yelling and screaming, I find myself kneeling next to Cal with my arm draped over his back. “You were
just a scared kid.”

“I wish I could go back and change it all,” Cal whispers.

“I wish you could, too,” Miller says from a few feet away.

“Miller
… what ….” I stand, surprised by Miller’s presence.

“I came looking for you when you didn’t show up at the embankment,” he explains.
Oh, no. I completely forgot. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. Imagine my surprise to find you here. I would have spoken up sooner but I wanted to hear if Cal was manipulating you into forgiving him before you’re ready.”

“I’m so sorry, Miller. I
lost track of time,” I apologize.

“I can see that. I
guess if I were listening to the confession of the guy responsible for my sister’s death I’d be a captive audience, too.” Rage fills Miller’s eyes. I step forward, creating a barrier between Miller and Cal.

“He didn’t kill her. That was
her
choice. You said so yourself,” I remind him.

“Get out
of the way, Kinley,” he demands as he locks his eyes on Cal like a target.

“Miller
…”

“
Move before I move you.”

“Just move, Kinley. Whatever he’s got for me, I’m ready to take it.
I knew one day I’d have to pay for what I did.” Cal stands, already defeated and ready to take the punishment Miller is preparing.

“He was just a kid. He was a scared kid, Miller.” I hold my palms flat against Miller’s chest as I
move to meet him in some attempt at holding him back.

Miller’s eyes leave their focus on Cal and move to me. “Are you defending what he did?”

“I’m just saying that it was Kyle who violated Kara, not Cal. Should Cal have done something? Yes. But he was a scared, fourteen-year-old little boy who didn’t know what to do,” I plead.

Miller’s nostrils flare and
even in the darkening hues of the setting sun I can see his face is red. His eyes are wide and locked on mine. I’m doing everything I can to prevent a murder right now but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold Miller off. He breathes heavily, almost panting as he decides if he’s going to physically move me out of the way, or not.

“You need to leave, Cal
,” Miller growls.

“We can have this out,” Cal replies.

“I’ve been looking for a reason to kick your ass since we got here. Kinley has created enough of a diversion that you should take it. I may be smaller than you, but don’t underestimate the strength of a big brother avenging his little sister.”

“Go, Cal, and take the journal with you.
I’m trusting that your disdain for what The League has become will be enough for you to do the right thing. I’m sure it contains other evidence that will be helpful in taking the group down.” I don’t take my eyes off Miller, afraid if I do he’ll change his mind and lunge around me at Cal.

Cal hesitates for a moment and then picks up the book. “I’m really sorry, Miller.”

Miller closes his eyes and stretches his neck from side to side. He did this once before and I thought he was preparing to punch Cal then. Thankfully it turned out that he was calming himself down. I hope that’s still the case tonight. Once Cal has successfully passed Miller and walked a good distance away, I take Miller’s hand in mine. Only … Miller takes it back.

“I don’t even know what to say to you right now,” he says through almost gritted teeth. “I can’t believe you don’t think he’s responsible for what happened to Kara.”

“He’s not. Kyle is. It sucks what happened to Kara. It wasn’t right and it should
never
have happened. But how can you hold a fourteen-year-old boy responsible for what a twenty-one-year-old guy did? Think of yourself at fourteen. You were forced to make adult decisions because of your parents’ didn’t want to make them. Were you ready? Did you know the right answer to every predicament you found yourself in?” I watch Miller begin to slowly pace, rubbing his hands together so hard he could start a fire. He shakes his head, twists it and turns it like he’s having a conversation in his head. Minutes go by and I wonder if I should excuse myself and leave Miller to his contemplation.

After several long minutes that seem to drag out, Miller turns and walks just past me. It’s darker now so he clicks on his flashlight and motions for me to join him. We walk in silence back to The Lodge
, and I wonder with every step how long it will take him to speak. I stop when we reach the path just in front of the porch, but Miller continues to take the steps up.

“Miller,” I say softly. “
Are we going to talk about this?”

“I can’t right now. I
… have to go,” he says.

“Okay.” If Miller needs time to think and sort through the horrific thing he learned tonight, then I can give him the space to do that. And I’m sure after a good night’s sleep, he’ll feel better.
I breathe a small sigh of relief knowing that we’ll all feel better come sunrise.

I didn’t sleep as well as I was hoping I would. Cal’s recounting of that terrible night echoed in my mind, and every time I closed my eyes I pictured Kara and fourteen-year-old Cal huddled against a tree as she weeps for the innocence that was taken from her.

Miller probably didn’t sleep at all. I shudder at the thought of the images that tormented him, keeping him from rest. He already felt badly about not being there for her. Now he knew it wasn’t the cruelty of bullies that plagued her, but having something so special ripped away from her in the name of teaching someone “how it’s done.”

And then there’s Cal. He must have felt so small and helpless that night.
I’m so torn, though. He was a jerk that night with Margaret in some attempt to be a macho in front of Miller. But … I know Cal
now
and know that he’s genuinely remorseful for what happened with Kara. He could have defended himself to me and immediately blamed Kyle, but the first thing he said was that it was his fault. What happened to Kara was awful, but I believe Cal was really afraid and unsure of what to do. I think the best everyone can hope for now is that Cal and Miller can experience some healing now that Cal’s secret has been revealed, and Miller has answers to what happened to Kara.

As usual, I let all the other girls go ahead of me in the shower. I have had the luxury of not having any specific place to be immediately following breakfast all summer, so I’m usually the last one to arrive at the dining hall.
Although, over the last week, Miller has insisted on waiting for me so we can walk together. He’s not waiting for me this morning so I assume he still needs some distance.

I go through the line and fill my plate with scrambled eggs, bacon, and fruit. Filling my cup with orange juice
, I find my friends and take a seat between Carrie and Pete. Everyone is quiet while we eat, which is weird. As a group we are never this quiet. I’ve almost finished my breakfast and Miller still hasn’t shown up, so I break the silence and ask if anyone has seen him.

“I saw him early this morning,” Matthew finally says. Eyes are shifting all around the table, making me nervous.

“So … where is he?” I ask.

“Do you want to tell us what happened first?” Pete asks, resting his arm on the back of my chair and scooting a few inches closer.

“What do you mean? What’s going on?” My chest tightens as I narrow my eyes in confusion.

“Miller’s gone, Kinley,” Matthew says cautiously.

“What do you mean he’s gone?”

“I mean, I woke up to find him zipping his duffle bag closed and walking out the door. I stopped him and asked what he was doing, but he didn’t really have an answer. He just said to tell you he was sorry, and to give you this.” Matthew pulls a small envelope from his back pocket and slides it across the table to me. My name is drawn
beautifully across the front. “Oddly enough, he gave me a letter to give to Cal, too.”

I stare at my name, scripted delicately on this plain, white envelope. There are loops and curls and long, drawn
-out lines that form each letter. I’ve never seen my name written so beautifully. My head feels full as I lose myself in this interpretation of my name. My chest rises and falls, and my eyes blur everything in my periphery. I rest my mouth against my fist and allow myself a daydream to picture Miller’s hand, clad with a sharp pencil, moving across the envelope with the precision only he can expertly execute. I think about how long he had to say my name in his head while he drew.

And then I consider the moment I left his thoughts.

“Are you going to read it?” Pete asks.

“She’s not going to read it here,”
Carrie answers defensively.

“Do you need us to give you some privacy?” Amy asks. “Let’s give her some room, guys.”

They all stand and begin to clear their dishes. “Did you give the letter to Cal yet?” I ask Matthew.

“Not yet,” he tells me.

“I’ll give it to him.” I finally break my gaze with the envelope and look at Matthew as I extend my hand to him.

“Are you sure about this?” he questions protectively.

“I’m sure.” Matthew takes the letter for Cal out of his other back pocket and places it in my hand. Cal’s name is written hastily across the front of the envelope in ink from a pen that was clearly on its way out. My mind runs wild with the possibilities of what each letter holds before fear settles in.

Kids are beginning to trickle into the dining hall for arts and crafts when I finally break myself away from boring a hole in the two envelopes in front of me. Amy and Tiffany have set up in the back of the room, allowing me my own little world. I reach for my dishes and realize that someone has already cleared them for me
, an act I was completely oblivious to.

I grab the letters, shove them in my pocket, and make a slow bee-line back to The Lodge.
With each step I contemplate whether I’ll just leave Cal’s letter for him on his bed, or give it to him in person. I decide that I can’t risk one of his a-hole roomies getting ahold of Miller’s words so it’s best to hand deliver the letter … but not before I read mine first.

With the letters still tucked into my pocket, I close my bedroom door behind me and tuck my leg under me as I sit on my bed. I take a few cleansing breaths before I remove the letters and lay them on the bed in front of me. For just a single moment I’m tempted to read Cal’s letter, too, but the feeling is fleeting. It would be such an invasion of his privacy, and I’m not totally sure I want to know what Miller had to say to Cal.

I tear open my letter slowly, staring at the open flap for a good thirty seconds before I reach in a pull the folded paper out. I prepare myself for whatever Miller had to say and unfold the letter. It’s not a long letter by any means, and my heart aches just a little at that. I suppose I was hoping for a long, detailed explanation of why he left without saying goodbye, and reassuring me of his feelings for me.

Kinley,

I know I’m a total ass for leaving like this, and I don’t expect you to forgive me. But after last night I just couldn’t stay. Between knowing what happened to Kara, knowing Cal was a part of it, being in the actual location where it happened, and my conflicting feelings about how you defended Cal, I just couldn’t stand to be in this place for another minute. Clearly I have a lot to sort through. Good thing I have a standing appointment with my therapist, huh? I don’t want to say goodbye because in my soul I know this is not the end of us. I just don’t know when our next hello will be. I’m going to miss you beyond words. Stay brave and strong like I know you are. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life. I will never be the same.

Always,

Miller

I take my shoes off and crawl under the blanket and curl my body. I can’t believe he left. Why did I have to open that stupid book? If I had just left it alone I would have met up with Miller last night and then he’d still be here right now. I close my eyes, not caring about anything else; not my job here, not my goal of traveling the world with Mom, not Addison
. I close my eyes and all I want to do is forget about Miller Conrad because thinking about him is just going to break my heart.

I wake to the movement of someone sitting on my bed. When I open my eyes, Addy is staring at me with soft eyes. I really don’t need her pathetic sympathy right now. I can already hear her lame attempt at creating camaraderie with me by saying that Miller was no good and that he didn’t deserve either one of us. What she really wants to say is that if I had just left Miller alone like she told me to, none of this would have happened.

“Go away, Addy,” I tell her, pulling the blanket up and closing my eyes again.

“I just wanted to check on you. I heard about Miller leaving and
… um … I know you’re probably upset,” she says quietly. I open my eyes and look at her. She’s fidgeting with her fingers, picking her nail polish off haphazardly, her habit when she’s uncomfortable.

“I’m fine. Go away.”

“I don’t want to go away, Kinley. I want … I want to be here for you. You’re hurting and that … It makes me sad, too,” she says.

I look at her through narrow eyes, unsure if I can believe anything that she’s saying. Addy has never offered to comfort me on my own terms. It’s always been about a quick fix so that I don’t interrupt her groove and make things inconvenient for her. I’m hesitant to say anything because I can’t trust that it’s not a scheme just to get me to bounce back and take my
place a few steps behind her in her shadow.

“You want to be here for me,” I say suspiciously. I sit up and lean against the headboard, balling part of the blanket up close to me as some kind of strange force field.

“I do,” she replies quietly. “I know you, Kin, and I know this is hard right nowbut I think the best thing for you i
s
‒
‒
”

“You don’t know
what’s for best me.” I cut her off quickly. I have a newly implemented zero tolerance policy for her delusions.

“Yes, I do.
”

“N
o, you don’t. You still don’t get it. You think you know what’s best for me, but you don’t. And you talk out of both sides of your mouth. One minute you’re kicking me out of us rooming together so I can be on my own, and the next minute you’re telling me what I have to do for you and that I should stay away from Miller,” I say calmly. I’m not going to get worked up and yell at her, but I’m also not going to back down.

“Well, it turns out I was right about Miller,” she says in her pretentious tone.

“Oh, please! You’re only saying that because he chose me over you and you can’t stand it. You have spent our entire lives trying to change me. You look at me and you don’t see your beautiful reflection and that bothers you. It embarrasses you. You look at me and you see the inconvenience of having to explain my existence, make some kind of excuse for why I don’t look like you.” I push the blanket off of me and stand with purpose. I was furious and angry with Addy the night Cal told me about her plan, but this moment feels different. Clarity and determination take shape with every word. “Well try this on for size: YOU don’t look like ME! And while I may not be a size four and be able to pull anything off the rack and make it look good, I’m happy with who I am. I don’t spend my days longing for people to look at me and find my body desirable because I’m more than that. I’m more than you’ll ever know. Miller looked at me and
saw
me. He saw my heart and my soul. I wasn’t invisible to him like I am to you.”

Addison stands up and faces me from across the bed. “You’re not invisible to me, Kinley,” she says, shocked by my accusation. She blinks rapidly while her brow creases.

“Really? Then prove it.”

“I
… uh … What do mean
prove it
? I just told you that you’re not.” There’s the Addison I know. Her tone is drenched with irritation that I would require her to step up and actually back up her words with action.

“That’s what I thought.” I shake my head in final acquiescence to the reality of the situation. “Until you
can prove to me that you really see me and understand me … and accept me … I can’t be around you.” Like the calm after a storm, my voice is eerily quiet and low. “I’ll get a ride to the train station and go back to the city. By the time you get back to school I will have moved out.”

“Kinley
,” she begins to plead.

“I’m done, Addy.

“Kinley? You in here? I just came to check on you,” Amy says as she comes down the hall and into our room. She sees Addy and me in what must look like a stand-off and begins to excuse herself. “Oh, crap … sorry …”

“It’s ok
ay, Amy. I was just leaving,” Addy says sadly. I don’t reply or even move a muscle. Miller said I was brave and strong and that’s what I’m going to be. If I’m going to find and claim my identity apart from Addison, I can’t back down, not even for a moment.

Addison swallows hard and collects herself before moving to the hall.

“That was kind of intense,” Amy says as she sits on her bed next to mine. “You okay?”

I take a cleansing breath and
plop onto my bed. “Yeah, I think I’m going to fine. I’m going to move out of the dorm I share with Addy. It’s time to separate myself from her … figure out who I am.”

“That’s awesome, Kinley. I’m really proud of you,” she says with a sweet smile.
She twists her mouth to the side and then bites her lip.

“What is it?” I ask, seeing that’s she’s contemplating something.

“I want to ask about the letter from Miller, but I don’t want to be insensitive and nosey,” she answers sheepishly.

“It’s ok
ay. He, um, he’s going through some stuff right now and just felt like he needed to go home,” I tell her. I can’t tell her about Miller’s sister or Cal’s connection to the terrible incident that summer. I also can’t tell her that I’m completely heartbroken about him leaving. He says that it’s not goodbye, but when you don’t know when, or really if, you’ll see someone again, it’s goodbye.