Anywhere (18 page)

I
woke the next morning wrapped up in Asher’s hoodie, my head on his shoulder, and smiled. He shifted and I looked up to find him watching me.

He leaned over to kiss me, then gently brushed the hair off my forehead, his fingers trailing down the side of my face and lingering along my jaw. My insides turned into a puddle of goo.

Then he said, “You have the cutest snore.”

My jaw dropped and I slapped his stomach. “I do NOT snore.” And started laughing because I totally do, and could feel my face starting to flush. “And how can THAT be the first thing you say to me after last night?”

He was laughing so hard that I had to sit up—my head was bouncing too much laying on him. I hit him again, laughing.

“You’ve lost all respect for me, haven’t you.”

“Oh, come on, Skye” he said, grabbing me and pulling me back down. “You know I love you.”

As soon as he said it I stopped laughing. He
what?

He got quiet too. We lay there for a moment—me in a rising panic because he used the L-word and I was leaving and there was someone named Tamara in London, and him thinking who-knew-what.

Shit.

“Is this another one of those I-love-you-man moments?” I said. “You did this in Munich too. You are a total lightweight with German beer.” I poked his side, then sat up and reached for my pack.
Please don’t go there,
I thought.
Please
.

He laughed. “Yeah,” he said. “You may have a point.”

And I relaxed. I mean, yeah, I had feelings for him. I liked him. He may, in fact, have become my favorite person on earth in the last few weeks, but that didn’t mean I loved him.

Right?

And, yes, I’d just slept with him (finally! and oh-my-god-it-was-amazing), but that also didn’t mean I loved him. It just meant I wanted him. And those were two totally different things.

At least, that’s what I was telling myself.

On the walk back to town, we discovered many people had stayed up all night or fallen asleep in the field as we had. They smiled and waved, called out greetings I didn’t understand. But it didn’t really matter. It felt good, whatever it was they were saying.

At the station, we only had to wait about half an hour for our train—just enough time to get cleaned up in the bathroom, thankfully. It’s amazing what splashing some water on your face, brushing your teeth, and pulling the grass out of your hair can do for you.

On the train, green fields and thick forests rushed by the window, interrupted here and there by the blur of a town. I was struck with how unique each country was in its landscape, how each one was like a totally different world. And that made me wonder if the United States was like that too, if you could see that when you drove cross-country. I’d never been anywhere but New York and Connecticut—and they were very similar. Maybe I’d explore my own country someday. I kind of liked that idea.

I looked over at Asher, who was studying a map. It’d be even more fun if he came too. But I couldn’t really think things like that—about a future that included Asher. It would just make leaving feel worse.

“So, where are we going?” I said, and pointed at his map.

“There’s this huge dune on the Atlantic coast of France,” he said without looking up. His hair curled at the ends, slightly damp, glinting gold in the morning light. I reached up to touch it. “I’ve kinda wanted to go there ever since I heard about it.”

When he felt my fingers he turned and smiled. Then he leaned over to kiss me like we’d been doing this all our lives.

“What do you think?” he said when he sat back.

“Of the dune?” I said, my mind spinning just a little. I’m just saying, the boy could KISS. “I’ll go anywhere.”

“Anywhere?” He got this wicked grin on his face that left me breathless. AND willing.

“Anywhere.”

And I would. I would have gone anywhere with him for the next week and a half. I was his for now. And way too soon I’d have to go back to reality.

“The Dune of Pilat it is, then.” And he looked furiously happy. He reached for my hand, and pulled it into his lap as he turned to watch Germany go by.

Time was going too fast. Everything was going too fast. I wanted to grab hold and slow things down. The train, my trip, my time with Asher. I wanted Paige to not be getting married so soon.

God, her wedding was only two and a half weeks away. And it hit me that night, as we sped through France on the night train to Bordeaux, that there were likely to be a lot of people at her wedding that would have been at mine. We had all the same friends. I was going to have to face them all.

Oh. Dear. God.

At least she hadn’t invited my mother. There was that. I wouldn’t have to face her right away. She
wouldn’t
have invited her. Paige didn’t like my mom.

I pulled out my phone, though, because I had to be sure.

ME:
Please please please tell me you didn’t invite my mom to your wedding. Please tell me that.

I stared at my phone, waiting for her response. It was late afternoon in Connecticut. She should get my text right away. A few minutes later my phone buzzed.

PAIGE:
Ooookay…I didn’t invite her.

ME:
Oh, thank GOD.

PAIGE:
(Except maybe my mom did.)

ME:
NOOOOOOOO!

PAIGE:
I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! She sent out invites right away and since my parents had been invited to your wedding, Mom reciprocated. She did it before I had a chance to stop her. I’m so SO sorry.

Shit.

ME:
When did the invites go out?

PAIGE:
Last week.

Fuck. My mother knew I was coming home early and I’d have to see her in a little over two weeks. She’d have her talons polished, sharpened, and ready. And it was going to be at a WEDDING. Mother-of-fucking-god. I wasn’t prepared. This trip hadn’t been long enough.

Suddenly there wasn’t enough air on the train no matter how much I breathed, and I was starting to hyperventilate again. Asher looked at me, alarm on his face, then glanced down at my phone.

PAIGE:
Skye? Are you there? I’m really, really sorry, Skye. I should have told you as soon as I found out, but I didn’t want to upset you.

“Skye, what’s going on? What’s wrong?” Asher said. He was already pulling out a bag and handing it to me, taking the phone out of my hand. “Try to breathe slow,” he said softly. “That’s it, slow it down. Good.”

I took a couple of calming breaths, then put the bag down in my lap. Then I lay my head back and tried desperately not to cry. Asher was going to think I was insane, falling apart over something as stupid as seeing my mother. And doing it so freaking often.

Why was I so afraid of her? So she didn’t approve of me. So what? She never really had, so why was I still worrying about it? Why was I still trying if I hadn’t succeeded in the last twenty-two years?

Because I was stupid.

And because she was my mother. Do you ever really get over trying to please your mom?

I wasn’t over it. Thinking about seeing her made me feel as awful as I had before I left. And, yes, I’d stood up to her over the phone. But that was a LOT different than doing it face-to-face. Plus I’d had an OCEAN as a buffer. I’d be lying if I said distance had not been a factor in my sudden burst of spunk.

I felt free here, far away from my mom.

Wow.

I did feel free. I’d never felt like that before. Not even in college. For the first time in my life I was totally free. And the only way I was going to keep my freedom, I realized, was by living far away from home. Far, far away.

I looked out the window at the few lights twinkling in the deep darkness. I would go home to Paige’s wedding, I’d get through it as best I could, then I’d pack my stuff into my car and drive. I could start looking for a job during that week before the wedding when I wasn’t helping Paige. I had money left over from this trip, and a little bit in my savings. And I could just choose somewhere to go and find any job there until I found the right place for me.

I could do that.

I
would
do that.

I looked at Asher and felt like laughing.

“Wow,” he said, a hesitant smile on his face. “You go from one extreme emotion to another in two-point-six seconds flat.” He cupped one side of my face. “I don’t even know what to ask you about—the hyperventilating or the smile.”

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Don’t apologize. You feel the way you feel, Skye. You have every right.”

In some ways I didn’t understand his response. Everyone in my life always wanted something from me. But I couldn’t tell with him. What did Asher want?

“Why are you so nice to me?” I whispered.

“Because I like you.” He brought his other hand up to my face, leaned in toward me. “Because it’s so easy to be nice to you. And I can’t say that about anyone else.”

And his lips were on mine—sweet, gentle, tasting, exploring, waking up all my secret spots. I couldn’t help thinking as he kissed me, that maybe—just maybe—the only thing Asher wanted from me was
me
.

Where had this boy been all my life?

And why couldn’t I keep him?

twenty-two

“Y
up, this is one big-ass dune.” Asher stood at the crest of the single biggest pile of sand I’d ever seen. It looked like it went on forever—it didn’t, but at well over a mile and a half long and three hundred feet tall, it sure looked like it did.

Big-ass
didn’t even begin to describe it.

Pain-in-the-ass
was how I was feeling about having to climb it.

We’d arrived in Arcachon this morning, found a place to stay, then went out to the dune this afternoon. It was amazing, to say the least. A HUGE expanse of light sand completely surrounded on three sides by pine forests. The other side opened up to the Atlantic ocean.

And we were the only people here.

How was that even possible?

Not that I was complaining. I was glad to be away from the crowds and grateful to have the place to ourselves. But still. How could people not be flocking here constantly? Well, it was late in the day. Maybe they’d already been here and gone.

We walked down the side of the dune to the oceanfront. The water lapping at the sand stretched out in a clear blue expanse that really did go on forever. Thousands of miles away on the other side of that ocean was my life.

I sat down in the sand and stared out at the water, the sun lowering above it. As amazing as this was, I was going to be dealing with my life soon. It sure had the potential to suck. Actually, scratch that. I was certain that the suckage was pretty much guaranteed.

“I wish this was my life,” I said after we’d sat there for a while.

“Sitting here on what could be the world’s biggest dune
avec moi?”

Actually, YES. I was wishing my life was
anywhere
with him. But I wasn’t going to admit that. It was too soon to be thinking like that—we’d known each other for less than a month—let alone say it to him.

So instead I ignored his question and bumped him with my shoulder. “I highly doubt this is the world’s biggest dune. There have got to be bigger ones in the deserts, don’t you think?”

“Could be,” he said, then bumped me back. “This sounds suspiciously like the Start of a Quest.”

“For the world’s biggest dune? Um…no. I’d rather we go back to gelato.”

“Yeah, but we completed that quest back in Venice. We’ve been Questless for too many countries.”

That made me smile. For the girl who’d never gone anywhere, I’d been to four countries in three weeks, seen and done so much, experienced little parts of the world that were so different from mine. And was now sitting here casually talking about gelato we had in Venice.

Oh my god, I wanted this to be my life.

“Asher,” I said, “what are you going to do when you get home?”

He looked at me intensely, thinking. Then he shook his head. “I haven’t figured that out yet. It depends.” Then he got to his feet and walked over to the water’s edge.

It depends.
Those two words said so much. He was talking about Tamara, obviously. It would depend on how it went with her in London, whether they’d really pick up where they left off. Whether he’d marry her. I felt sick at the thought so I pushed it out of my mind.

Asher wasn’t mine. Whatever we were doing was just a temporary thing. We both knew that, but I had to keep reminding myself. It was the only way I was going to be able to leave him.

He took off his shoes and stepped into the water. I watched him for a while, bathed in the warmth of late afternoon light, the sun almost hitting the horizon behind him. This man-boy I’d chanced into on my first day alone. I was starting to feel as if that may have been the luckiest day of my life.

And the unluckiest. Because a week and a half from now was going to suck. I was staring at way too much future suckage.

But I didn’t want to think about that right now. We were here, alone on what was probably NOT the world’s largest dune no matter what Asher said, staying in a gorgeous little town a couple of miles up the coast, and away from the crowds. I was going to enjoy the time we had.