An Unstill Life (26 page)

i need u

I deleted it and dropped the phone onto the bed next to Mom’s sagging figure. The battery slid into place on the back of mine and I was relieved when the screen lit up. Three new messages. All from Bianca.

Bianca. I dialed the number. “Bianca?” My voice broke as I said her name. “Bianca, I need you.”

Chapter Thirty-Two

“L
ivvie?” Trish burst into the sterile, disinfectant scented hallway and enveloped me in a hug. “Oh, sweetie.”

A lump formed in my throat, swelling against my tongue like a tumor.

“Mrs. Quinn?” Trish kept holding me while she turned her attention to my mother’s figure, crumpled on the hard vinyl-covered couch. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m Tricia Mattheson, Bianca’s mom. Is there anything I can do to help you?”

Mom didn’t respond. Jules’s body had been taken from her arms when we arrived at the hospital, and we’d been led here, to this depressing waiting area that tried unsuccessfully to be cheerful. I couldn’t look at Bianca or Trish. If I did, they might see what I’d done. Would Bianca still love me if she knew? I thought she might, but right now I felt too fragile to take that risk. The wound was still raw and bleeding, the reality of what I’d done not yet absorbed into my soul.

Trish cast sympathetic eyes over my mother. “I’ll take you home. It’s late and I don’t imagine there’s anything else you can do tonight.

I nodded, then froze as Mom rose from her seat, teetering a little. “You! You’re the one!” She crossed the waiting room in two strides, her finger jabbing at something—someone—behind me. “You condoned this outrageous behavior, you encouraged it.” Her eyes blazed fury, and I shrank away from it, ducking behind Bianca like the coward I used to be. Trish grabbed me with one arm and held me to her, hugging Bianca with the other. Together we watched my mother try to stare her down.

Trish didn’t blink. Mom stood at least four inches taller than her, but Trish didn’t look intimidated by the Amazon glaring down at her. “Of course I condone it,” she said. “But you’re implying I coerced your daughter into doing something she didn’t want to do. And I’ve never done that. All I’ve done is provide a safe and non-judgmental place for her to be herself.”

“Herself? Olivia hasn’t been herself since she met that girl.” Mom jabbed a finger in Bianca’s direction.

“Mom, not here. Not now.” Bianca dragged at her mother’s arm. “Let’s just go, okay?”

“Mom?” I looked up at her, trying to gauge where this might go.

She shook her head and straightened. “This foolishness has gone on too long. You don’t belong with them.”

“Mrs. Quinn.” Trish tried to placate her. “This really isn’t the time—”

“And when is? You haven’t exactly done anything to stop this have you?”

“Stop!” I threw off Trish’s arm and took a stride toward Mom. “Just stop.”

The world fell silent, the only sound was Bianca’s harsh breathing and the ripping sound of my fingers raking through my hair. I walked toward Mom, trying hard to sound reasonable, but my voice trembled. After what I’d just done, it was a miracle I could talk at all. “None of us are in any shape to have this conversation right now. We have a lot to get through in the next few days. This doesn’t matter right now.”

“She’s right.” Trish sounded relieved. “You need to sleep. We can talk about this later if need be.”

“We’ll talk about it now.” Mom’s voice was shrill. “I won’t have her in my home if she insists on carrying on with that girl.” She directed a frigid glare in Bianca’s direction and searing hot anger blazed through my chest.

“Mom, please!” I didn’t have enough air in my lungs to say anything more.

“You’re upset.” Trish spoke to Mom like she was a spooked horse. “But don’t say these things. You’ll regret them later.”

“I’ll regret nothing.” Mom’s voice lashed at me like a whip, flaying slices of flesh from my bones.

“Mom.” I tried to catch her eye, but she wouldn’t look my way. She couldn’t mean these things. It was the grief talking. Of course it was. I had to try to understand. I’d lost my sister, but Mom had lost her daughter, someone she’d carried inside her, someone who had once been a part of her. I couldn’t begin to imagine losing that.

But wasn’t I that person, too?

I pulled out of Bianca’s embrace and moved toward my mother. Even slumped with exhaustion, half-mad with grief, she seemed huge and intimidating. I glanced at Bianca and her mother. They stood close to one another, not touching, but supporting one another with their presence. When Bianca met my eye, I saw so much strength in her gaze, such love. I drank it in and reveled in the fire it kindled in the pit of my stomach.

“Mom?” I touched her shoulder.

She whirled around, stumbling and falling to one knee. I reached out to help her up, but she swatted my hand away. “I don’t need your help.”

I backed away. Maybe she didn’t need my help, but didn’t she want it? I let the air out of my lungs in a massive sigh.

Her eyes followed me, narrowing slightly. “It’s your fault Julie’s dead!”

I froze. My heart skipped a beat then started up again, racing like a freight train through my chest. How did she know? How could she? Was it that obvious? I gasped for air.

“Yes, it was you. You’ve always been jealous of her. You started this…this thing.” Mom gestured at Bianca, her face contorted into an ugly sneer. “It’s what made Julie sick…”

“Excuse me.” A doctor stepped between Mom and me, his voice carving a path through the angry tension. “Can I talk to you?” He took my arm and led me a short distance away. His gray eyes were soft and crinkled with concern. “I couldn’t help but overhear some of that.”

“I’m sorry.” Blood rushed to my face. “She’s…upset.” The word seemed too small and insignificant, but I couldn’t think of anything more.

“Upset?” His eyes didn’t move from my face. “Sounds a little more than that. Is your mother often…irrational?”

I couldn’t look at him so I dropped my gaze to the floor, counting black flecks in the creamy squares of linoleum.

“Irrational?” Bianca’s voice by my ear made me jump. “The woman’s deranged.”

“Bianca!” Trish was there too. God, did everyone have to see this? I wanted to disappear. “She’s grieving.”

“Mom, you haven’t heard the way she talks to Livvie. I’m serious. She’s nuts.”

Trish opened her mouth to say something more, but the doctor stepped forward and held his hand up. “From what I’ve heard just now, I would have to agree that perhaps she’s a little unbalanced. I’d like to suggest a psych consult.” He looked at me. “Do you think that is a good idea?”

I stumbled backward and might have fallen if Bianca hadn’t been there. She wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tightly to her chest. I let her, but only for a moment.

I struggled free and stumbled the three steps it took to get to the doctor. “Is she really…crazy?”

“We don’t like to use that word.” He wiped strands of dark hair off his forehead with his wrist. “But right now I don’t think her behavior is rational, and I don’t believe it would be in her best interest, or yours, to send her home. I’d like to sedate her for now. It’s possible she’ll be better able to cope in the morning.”

I nodded, something the size of a small house lifting from my chest. I’d never realized what a burden Mom’s behavior was to me. All the hiding, rationalizing, lying, and excuses. All that was gone now, taken off my shoulders and passed on to someone who might actually be able to help.

The doctor nodded and lifted his gaze so it passed over my head. “Are you a relative?”

Trish snorted once, but composed herself quickly. “No. Just a friend of Livvie’s. I’m happy to take care of her while her mother’s here though.”

I tossed her a grateful look. I needed to get out of here, needed to be somewhere safe, somewhere I could tame the wild animals circling through me. Too much had happened, and none of it had fully sunk in yet. And right now I was too exhausted to even start unknotting the tangled mess of my feelings.

“I’ll do the paperwork,” the doctor said and strode off down the hallway, disappearing around the corner.

I looked back at Mom. She’d collapsed back onto the sticky orange couch and was sitting there, slumped over, all the fight seemingly drained out of her. I should have felt sorry for her, but I didn’t. I felt nothing. Not even the anger that had fueled me earlier. If anything, I felt numb.

“Let’s go home,” Trish said gently. “There’s nothing more we can do here.” She guided me down the hallway, following the direction the doctor had gone, Bianca trailing beside me.

“It feels kind of wrong to leave her here like this,” I whispered.

“It isn’t. Leave the bitch to wallow in her own shit.” Bitterness oozed from Bianca’s tongue, startling me with its bile color. “She has no right to talk to you like that. To any of us.”

“Bianca,” Trish warned. “Remember, she just lost a child. But you’re right. Livvie shouldn’t have to deal with that.”

My heart was fractured to breaking point, and one more cruel word would be enough to shatter it. I couldn’t face her again tonight. I was glad she’d been taken off my hands.

“Okay. Let’s go then.” Trish kept walking and I followed. My legs were heavy as redwood trees, and each step required me to tear roots from the ground. My mangled heart ached. Jules was gone. Mom was gone. I was alone. But was I?

My phone ringing dragged me from a sound sleep. I groped for it but found myself grabbing at air. I forced my crusty eyes open and found myself in Bianca’s bed, nothing but rumpled sheets next to me. Sunlight tried to force its way through the curtains over the window. My phone kept ringing. The sound filled me with dread.

“H’llo?” I scooped it up off the floor without looking at it.

“Livvie? Man, that was so cool last night!” Mel laughed, brassy excitement circling me like a merry-go-round.

Last night. My eyes were drawn to the puddle of blue satin on the floor. From this angle I couldn’t see the bloodstains. The dance. Jules. Mom. It all came flooding back, and I fell back on the bed, tears pooling in my eyes.

“We totally stuck it to them!” Mel giggled again. “Where did you guys go? We were looking all over for you.”

I tried to speak, but nothing came out except a strangled whisper. I swallowed hard then tried again. “Jules…died.” The word swelled before me, jet black, absorbing all the light, all the air. She didn’t die, you liar. You killed her.

“Oh, Livvie.” Mel sounded stricken. “Oh. I’m so sorry. Here I am gabbling on about the dance…” She trailed off. “Are you okay? Do you need anything?”

I shook my head. Did I need anything? Of course I did. I needed last night back again, the whole of yesterday if she could get it for me.

“I’m…okay, I think.” My voice wobbled all over the place as I said the words, and I knew I wouldn’t convince anyone. I wasn’t okay. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be okay.

“Call me if you need anything. Any time, Livvie, I mean it.”

I knew she did, but what could she do? She couldn’t bring Jules back.

“It was for the best,” I whispered to myself.

“What was?” Mel’s voice reminded me I was still clutching the phone, that she was still at the other end.

“Oh, nothing. Talking to myself.” I struggled out of the pillows that threatened to smother me. “I have to go, Mel.”

“Sure. Of course. But call me, okay?”

“Yeah. I will.” I thumbed the cancel button and dropped the phone back into the folds of my dress.

Standing up, I crossed the room and pulled open the curtains. Sunshine spilled through, mocking me with its brilliance. I squinted.

“You’re up.” Bianca’s voice startled me. “I brought you some coffee.”

I took the cup she offered. “Thanks.”

“How are you feeling?” She rested her hand on my neck.

I slurped up some of the hot, black liquid and shrugged. I felt like a truck had backed over me. Twice. Maybe even three times. “I…”

My phone rang again. I reached for it and once again opened it without glancing at the caller ID.

“Livvie… Oh my God. Mel just called me. I’m so so so so sorry.” Hannah was crying, the words barely comprehensible between her sobs. “I can’t believe it. I knew she was sick, but I didn’t think she was… Well,
that
sick.”

“Yeah.” I had no words. I couldn’t reassure Hannah when I felt this way.

“Let me know when the funeral and stuff is.”

The funeral. I hadn’t even thought about that. Who was going to organize that? Mom? Me? The house was back on my shoulders again, its weight crushing my chest.

Bianca took the phone from my hand, and I realized I was shaking, the phone pounding against my ear.

“Hi, it’s Bianca,” I heard her say. “Hannah? Livvie’ll call you later.”

I tuned them out and tried to control the trembling by wrapping my arms around myself. It didn’t help much. My hands burned against my flesh. I held them out to look at them, surprised when they didn’t blaze red. No mark crossed my palm. These hands had killed someone, yet nothing showed. They were the same hands I’d had yesterday, last month, last year. How could that be? I pressed my hands into my eyes, hard enough that I saw sparks fly.

“Livvie.” Bianca drew my hands away. “You’re scaring me. What is it?”

“I killed her.” The words fell out without my brain having anything to do with it, like they’d hammered so hard against my skull they’d broken free. They swam through the air in a swampy cloud.

Bianca sighed and sat down on the bed next to me. “You didn’t kill her, Livvie. We talked about this before. You couldn’t know the needle was dirty. You didn’t…”

“I did.” I stared at the floor. “I’m not talking about that. I killed her. Last night. She…she asked me to help her die. That’s why I told you not to come with me.”

Silence fell across the room in a sheet of lead, heavier than the weight that already bent my back. It pressed on my head, my back, my shoulders, forcing me to double over and bury my head in my knees. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t think. I wanted to snatch my words back, force them back where only I could see them.

“You’re so much braver than me.” Bianca’s fingers tickled my spine. “I don’t think I could do that.”