All We Left Behind (3 page)

“Bottoms up!” I say, raising the beer and tilting my head back. I down the whole thing. It's sour and cold, and tastes better than I want it to. I hand him the empty bottle when I'm done. Maybe he does see the eagle on it then, but if he does he doesn't say anything.

So much for not drinking.

Lilith scans the boys in
the crowd, her eyes purposeful and gleaming. She's serious about this.

“Lil, what are you—”

“This is going to be soooooo much fun,” she interrupts, already bouncing up and down.

“I don't know.” I eye the soccer team. “I can't say I'm into shin guards and sweaty jerseys.”

“Oh, trust me.” She leans in. “It's what's
under
the jersey that you'll be into. And bonus if it's sweaty!”

“Ew!”

“No, no!” She squeezes my side. “The correct answer is, please, sir, can I have another?” I squirm as she tickles me and we both laugh. But then she stops, zeroing in on a target. “Oh yes!” She claps her hands together, far too amused with herself. “Oh, girl, you are gonna
love
me.”

“What? Who?” I look past her. There's Rory Hackett, who has ginger freckles and a canary nose. He's cute, if you focus on his legs, but I could say that about any of the soccer
players. Next to him is Conner Aimes talking ten words a second. His baseball hat is flipped to the side, showing off a sweaty forehead of hair. Troy Beal is the best looking of the three. At least he's got that hot musician slouch, minus the cigarette.

I pinch Lilith. “Who?'

“Patience, grasshopper.” She bats my hand away, laughing. “Your future awaits. Stay here.” She skips off before I have a chance to stop her, and my stomach flutters like a hundred moths swarming a lamp. Only she walks right past the three soccer players and heads for the lake. Those moths in my stomach do a nosedive when I see who she's walking toward. All 150 of them fly straight for the bulb's hot pane of glass, burning their wings up in the light. I have to check myself, because she couldn't possibly be heading for—

Only she
is.

She stops next to Kurt Medford.

He stands ankle deep in the water with his arms crossed over his chest, and the fabric of his T-shirt is so tight I can see the muscle definition underneath. Lilith offers her flask and he takes a drink, laughing, like they're old friends, and I wonder what she knows to say to him that makes him look so at ease.

Why would she pick Kurt Medford? Soccer captain. Gorgeous. Out of my league. Sure, I know who he is—
everyone
knows who he is. But he doesn't know
me
. He's the kind of guy you see from afar, tawny-haired, beautiful; he's
not someone you actually speak to. I see him in the halls at school, sure, but there's something effortless about him. Intangible. He has that ability to slip in and out of the light, like a mirage you aren't sure you actually see. But when he's there in front of you, he's
there
—sort of sturdy and brilliant. On the soccer field, running, that's when you really see him. Every muscle moves with a purpose, every sinew wound tight and then released. It's his grace, startling and unexpected, that steals the ball out from under the other team's feet and scores when they aren't looking. It's as if you never really see Kurt, until he chooses to be seen.

Kurt's gaze flicks over Lilith's shoulders and my insides go hot. He looks at me longer than I know what to do with and I feel like I've swallowed a volcano of stars. The smell of smoke makes me cough and I look away, my hands sweating, and I want to pull my hair off my neck. I never wear it down and its weight is too hot. I twist the locks to one side and peek to the shore, only they're walking toward me.

“This is Marion,” Lilith says a few seconds later, nudging Kurt. He frowns, tilting his head away from the fire, and I think about that heat line and which side I'm supposed to be on.

“Hi,” he says, light sliding over his mouth, and all I can do is mumble a hello and extend a hand for him to shake. It hangs in the air for way too long and I realize no one shakes hands anymore. It's a stupid gesture I learned from watching my father at business meetings, only—

He takes it.

Kurt's hand is caramel soft and calloused at the same time. He grips me aggressively like the handshake itself is a dare and it catches me off guard. Only I rise to meet him, squeezing back, and I can hear my dad's words in the corner of my mind saying,
You only get one chance to make a first impression.

“Nice,” Kurt says, surprised, holding my grip. “Sturdy handshake. You don't usually see that in a girl.”

“Oh?” I lift my chin to meet his gaze and his blue eyes flicker with fire. “What do you usually see?”

“Weakness.” He smiles at me then. “I'm gonna like you.”

Heat flames, and I can't tell if it's my cheeks or the pit's burning embers sparking hot. Only, I
want
to stand in it. Is this what Lilith meant when she said ‘trust your body'?

“Have fun,” Lilith whispers, kissing me on the cheek, and I reach out to make her stay. But she's too fast, slipping away through ribbons of smoke and light.

Kurt takes a seat on a blanket, and behind him the lake is camouflaged with stars, the water weaving into the sky and drowning the horizon. I line up my toes with the blanket's edge, needing a line that's clearly defined. I sit down next to him, and through the flames we watch Lilith drop herself into the lap of one of Kurt's teammates. The two start making out and her lipstick comes smearing off. A few of the guys whistle and I press my lips together, tasting the red chalk on my mouth as well, wanting to wipe it off on the back of my hand.

“You're in my chemistry class, right?” he says, his knee brushing my skirt.

“Have been all year,” I say, even though all year is little more than a few weeks.

“You're lab partners with Abe Doyle.”

I nod, surprised he noticed.

“Didn't you two used to date?”

“What?”

“Date. Like freshman year?”

I laugh, pulling at my hem, which exposes the light hairs on my thigh. I can't believe he knows that.

“Um . . . I guess.” I stare at him, trying to figure out why he's asking. “I mean, that was forever ago. We're not together or—we're just friends—well, not really even friends, just lab partners. Do you know Abe?”

He turns his head away, inviting my eyes to the light that climbs his stubble-flecked chin. “Should I?”

“No, I mean . . .” I cough, pulling a strand of blond out of my face. Not sure what Abe has to do with any of this. After all, Abe's the smart, geeky type and Kurt's . . . well, he's all muscles and smolder, making my insides burn. He sits up and digs his toes in the sand. “Do you like chemistry?” I ask awkwardly, and he laughs.

“Not really.”

“Right.” I backpedal. “Who likes chemistry?”

“Well . . .” He looks at me, like he's about to make a joke, but then his gaze softens like he thinks better of it.
He shakes off whatever he was going to say and leans his head on his arm and looks at me, perplexed. Not meanly, just interested. I stare back and the heat of the fire slides up my legs. It's uncomfortable and way too intimate, and all I want is to look away, but I can't. I don't know what to say to him. Lilith's not here to make this easier, so I stare, and he stares back, with those quiet eyes, like he's searching for something.

I'm not sure I want him to find it.

“All right,” he says, a flirty smile spreading over him. He stands up and sand sprinkles my legs.

“Uh . . .” I look up at him, confused. “All right what?”

He lifts his arms in a stretch, and a band of skin peeks out between his shorts and shirt.

“Let's do this,” he says.

“Excuse me?” My voice squeaks, and I know my eyebrows have risen far too high on my forehead. “Let's do . . . ?”

He nods to the lake. “Go for a swim.”

I squeeze my arms over my chest and look at the lake. “That water is going to be freezing.”

Only I don't think he hears me, because he's already headed for the shore. I scramble to catch up with him.

“You're serious?” I call out as he wades in up to his knees.

“It's not that cold,” he assures me, and I look back to Lilith for help, but she's still preoccupied by the fire.

“No one else is in the water.”

“Marion.” Kurt locks his eyes on me. They hold me
steady. Hold me firm. “Strong handshake, remember? A little water can't scare you.”

Heat flushes my skin and I slip a foot in the water. It's cold—and yet so perfectly cold.

He doesn't look away. “You can swim, right?”

“Of course I can swim.”

“Good.”

He twists with that startling grace and dives under the water without a splash. He dives in with all his clothes on like he belongs to the water and it's a part of him. He dives in such a way that my legs move before I can think, and I'm underwater, in over my head, and under those stars before I know that I've done it. Before I even know I wanted to.

I dive into the lake
and swim hard. I squeeze my breath inside me and swim far and fast. Not sure why I wanted Marion out in this water with me. Maybe to appease Conner. Maybe to get my fix of blond hair and soft legs.

My hands pull me through the water, but it takes more effort than running. My skin can't breathe. There's water all around me. More pressure. No air. And I can't shake that image of Marion staring back at me. Saying nothing, like she's okay with it. Like she's not going to ask. Other girls, they talk right through that, but this Marion girl—she shakes your hand like she's got the world figured out and she can stand in it. Like she's not afraid of the ash.

I swim till my lungs threaten to split. And then I swim farther.

Breaking the surface feels like fire, and my body throbs, almost too dizzy to breathe. I buzz. Drink air. Kick myself afloat and turn to see if she's followed.

I don't see her.

My stomach drops and I tell myself I'm wrong about her. That maybe she's not solid. That maybe she
is
one of those soft, wispy girls waiting for the world to save her. Only no one's going to do that. Especially not me.

But then there's a splash and her head breaks the surface thirty yards away. She spits and pulls hair from her eyes, and I can't help but smile and swim to her. The water's freezing and ridiculous, and if I hadn't asked her to swim out here with me, she wouldn't have.

“Does it get warmer?” she asks when I reach her. Teeth chattering. Arms pumping through the water.

“Just keep moving,” I say, treading beside her. “Your body gets used to it and the cold wears off.”

“Okay.” She nods, watching me. Waiting. My shorts cling to my legs, awkward in all this wet, and I realize, I got her out here, so it's my move.

Only, I haven't got one.

Her lip trembles and I want to put my mouth on it. Kissing her would be easier than talking. That was the whole point of getting her out here anyway, wasn't it? To avoid talking. But something about her eyes and the way her arms cut through the water won't let me.

I like that they won't.

She's not like Vanessa. Vanessa would never swim in this water. She'd care too much about her hair or looking stupid or whatever. Marion wipes her nose, and lipstick
comes off on her hand. I like it on her hand more than her mouth. It suits her better.

“I haven't seen you at one of these parties before,” I say, inching closer.

“I've been to a few,” she says. “With Lilith.”

“I've seen Lilith. She comes to these all the time, but you . . .” I trail off, wondering why I haven't noticed her before.

“I know.” She laughs. “It's hard to miss Lilith.”

“I guess.” I shrug, realizing it's her hair. I'm used to seeing it up, not down and spread out over the lake.

“No, she's . . .” Marion's voice gets low. “Well . . . she's Lilith.”

I don't know what that means, but she stops treading water and the lake swallows her up to her chin.

“You're cuter than Lilith,” I say, but she eyes me suspiciously. I meant it to be nice. But now that it's out there, I don't know what to do with the way she's staring at me. Like she isn't interested in the charm and the bullshit. Like she wants me to be something else.

I rack my brain for a joke, but it's freezing, and my balls tighten as we circle each other. Yeah, this was a real genius idea. I adjust my shorts, thinking about how much they're going to cling when we get out of this water, and how little they're going to show.

“You feeling warmer?” I ask, and her bottom lip distracts me, bobbing in and out of the water.