All the Flowers in Shanghai (24 page)

“Now you don’t want to be serving your guests chicken soaked in rice wine or Jin Hua ham, do you? Although it
would
make your father-in-law extremely pleased. Will it be just a banquet or will there be dancing as well?”

“Well, since I last saw you I have learned to dance so we should have dancing,” I decided. “And as Xiong Fa wants his heir, it may be the last dance I have for a while.”

“So they’re in a hurry. Who’s pushing the hardest—First Wife or your father-in-law?” She pursed her lips slightly and her eyebrows furrowed. Without waiting for me to respond, she carried on, “It’s always the women—they are more bothered about the continuation of the family name than they are about the actual family. My own sister has given away a daughter already, but only to our cousin who could not have children of his own with his wife.”

I was surprised by her admission and showed it.

“You are shocked by this,” she said carefully, as if trying to gauge the depth of my feelings on the subject, “but it happens often. I know it is never spoken about because it is often the mothers who make the decision. We all prefer our sons to our daughters, and I think we always will.”

I thought of you at that moment. Had you become one of the starving children Ming had seen on her travels? I would not recognize you if you were in front of me, holding out your hands to beg me for food. It is said that a mother can always recognize her child, but I would have recognized nothing about you. Your face, your eyes, your smell . . . all were unknown to me. I felt my face burn and my eyes fill, but I could not cry.

“Is anything wrong?” Ming asked with some concern.

It’s nothing. It’s nothing. It’s nothing, I told myself, and smiled sweetly at her.

“Just worrying about my party.”

“We should decide where it will be held. What about a hotel? I think the Cathay Hotel.” Ming traced her finger around the edge of her tea cup and looked at the leaves. “As we Chinese are not allowed to take rooms in many other hotels and the Cathay Hotel is the best anyway, you should go there. But it must be a huge banquet with wonderful dancing. You should spend the Sang family money on something useful for a change. A glorious meal with beautiful clothes and people! No hairy, clumsy foreigners with their large bodies.”

“Do you know many foreigners?” I whispered to her. I narrowed my eyes and smiled up at her provocatively. “Do you like them?”

“Me?” She laughed back. “They are too hairy . . . like those monkeys on the streets, playing for coins, with their beards, hairy lips, and big red noses. But I have heard they are also like monkeys in other ways.” She winked at me and smiled.

“No, we won’t invite any foreigners. I don’t think Xiong Fa knows any, apart from those he meets through business. I’ll speak to him about the guest list but it’ll be all the usual families. We’ve agreed that we’ll use the excuse of my father-in-law’s birthday to have it. What do you think? Does it sound exciting enough?” I was quite anxious as I really had little idea about such events.

“Yes, yes,” she laughed, throwing her head back to reveal her long elegant neck and broad pale shoulders, “it’s best to have a perfectly worthy reason to throw a party—and then do your best to ignore it completely! What could be better than celebrating the old man’s birthday by taking him to a wonderful hotel, serving him three plates of Jin Hua ham brought from home . . . and then getting him to pay for it and completely forgetting about him?” She leaned back in her chair and put her hand to her breast, her chest heaving with mirth. She smiled at me, eyes bold but warm, and I blushed in return. I was envious of and in love with everything she was. The other women around us stared and frowned. I’m certain they were envious, too. This was the woman Ma had wanted Sister to be, but it had been impossible for her to become such a luscious creature for they are born from Nature, not created solely by a mother’s relentless guiding hand.

For the rest of the evening, Ming and the new me she had returned to find became old friends. I had found someone in her who would never know my secret but who understood my life down to the last rule and obligation—and still believed in the possibility of rising above them and finding fun and enjoyment in the least likely places. She brought me some much-needed warmth and light when I was most in need of it.

After Ming’s reaction to my new appearance I became possessed with the idea that my life had only now begun and that everything that went before should be disregarded. I would have another child, one I could raise to enjoy its exalted life and position. To be rightfully placed in it from the start, not beaten like tin into the necessary shape and polished to look shiny and bright.

I
sat in front of my mirror thinking of the woman I had become. I was only just twenty-two, but sensed that I had already gone far beyond Ma and Sister, to a place they had never even known existed. I wanted another child to continue this life.

Xiong Fa was coming to me regularly now. He did not spend much time with me, just enough to complete what was necessary. He did not dress to see me and we were polite to each other. His servant would announce that he was coming to my room and I would have fifteen minutes to undress and lie naked on my bed. I did not feel exposed or vulnerable anymore, I simply felt I was doing what I wanted. He would arrive in a plain red robe, no longer feeling any need to observe tradition and superstition with images and lucky figures. After placing his robe on the chair by the bed, in which I had sat bleeding after his first visit to me, he would slide between my legs. Sucking my breasts and playing with himself, he would enter me. Sometimes he would take ten or fifteen minutes and would try to make me enjoy it, too, but I did not like him inside me at all, I felt nothing. It could never be what Ming called
making love,
which sounded tender and for each other’s pleasure.

After a while Yan decided that it was not necessary to remain outside my door and would retire to her bed in the servants’ dormitory. Once Xiong Fa had finished he would leave and I would remain still for half an hour, as Yan believed this was the best way to conceive a child.

The continuance of this family was and would remain the most important thing.

Chapter 15

F
amily dinner remained exactly the same as it had always been except that First Wife had now accepted she could not bully me. She still sat next to Father-in-law, always on his left, but would not look at me or talk to me. Ignoring me was the only way she had left to save face. Second Wife also still sat at the head table but she had no voice now and had simply faded into unimportance along with the rest of the older family members. Xiong Fa sat on Father-in-law’s right and although no one had managed to expand the menu, Father-in-law would at least talk animatedly to his eldest son nowadays. He would tell old stories, discuss business, and joke with him about old girlfriends and mistresses. There had not been any explanation given to me as to why Father-in-law suddenly enjoyed his eldest son’s company; apparently everyone except me already knew.

It was Ming who explained it to me during the first of her visits to the house for lunch with me.

Xiong Fa had allowed me to use his room to entertain her and when Yan opened the door to her and she swept in, I was so happy. Ming sat and looked around the room. She saw the battered toy train and smiled.

“Is this Xiong Fa’s room?” she asked cheerfully.

“Yes, he lets me use it but this is the first time I’ve entertained someone here.”

“Well, I feel very honored.” She continued looking around for a while then fixed her eyes on me again, smiling. “Yes, the two of you are all we talk about. Your husband has changed so much.” She could engage in gossip like anyone else, only she knew when to stop.

“How is that?” I asked, extremely curious.

“It goes back to when Xiong Fa was engaged to your sister. Everyone has always known that he works very hard for the family business—he is meticulous and thoughtful and now has been running more and more of the family concerns. We have always admired him for that, but in Society he was always very shy and sometimes your father-in-law would be so embarrassed by it that he would scold him in public. His parents would tell him everything he had to do, and I’m afraid he seemed a weak man then.”

I remembered how he would come into our reception room at Ma and Ba’s home, shifting from one foot to the other as he stood waiting for Sister, and how nervously he would squeeze and pump Ba’s hand when he shook it. I smiled to myself as I remembered these things. He was quite funny sometimes.

“It gave the family no face at all. Then suddenly the matchmaker found your sister, who would march into any dinner or dance as if it were for her, and while she was not well-liked she led Xiong Fa with her . . . mostly blindly, I’ll admit it, my dear, but he had more confidence. In her shadow he learned to dance a little and have a drink with us.” She stopped and, looking around, asked, “Oh, can we have some tea?”

“Yes, yes.” I called to Yan, “Please can you bring some tea?” I hurried her out a little so Ming would continue.

“Your sister bullied him really but she made something of him and that was what your father-in-law wanted. He believed that she would change Xiong Fa into someone who would bring this family respect. Someone who might be commanding one day.” Ming laughed at the thought, then sat up straight and smoothed her gloves. “Sorry, that was not very kind of me.” She cleared her throat and added, “I think your father-in-law hoped that as Xiong Fa had begun then even though your sister died, just having a wife would allow him to continue growing. But with you, with you, my dear, things have been entirely different.”

“Why . . . what have I done?” I was quick to inquire.

“Well, I don’t know.” She sat back and smiled, her hands resting in her lap. “But I think he has become more confident
without
being constantly bullied, and we all notice how he likes you to be with him. Suddenly there is an air of strength about the two of you. Xiong Fa was too sensitive, to be honest. He’s the kind of person who has kept his toy train, for instance. Very different from most men, who would have thrown it away by now.

“You and I have got to understand each other so you know I’m not being rude, but we all thought he was too weak to survive in Society, too quiet, just doing whatever anyone else suggested. But suddenly he is telling us all what he thinks . . . deciding for himself. I wonder why that is.”

She laughed, cocked her head to one side, and continued.

“Anyway, the older generations have noticed and good reports have got back to your father-in-law. Whatever you have done to him in the last few years, you have forced your husband out of his shell and your father-in-law is now firmly on your side. Imagine how he will react when you give them a child.”

I wanted to cry out then. Why had I given you away? What had been the point? It had been revenge against a woman whom I would never see again, and another who was long dead. Xiong Fa had not chosen to treat me that way; he had been forced and pressured into it, as I had. I continued to smile at Ming as she sipped her tea. My lungs wanted to burst and scream. Where were you now? I smiled at my graceful friend and, replacing her cup, she smiled back. My eyes dropped to the tabletop. I looked at the stains on its surface, made from my many meals here with Xiong Fa—a reminder of our history, like the water stains left by the Sang family visit that rainy afternoon.

For a moment I could not bring myself to raise my head and look at Ming again for I felt I could not stand to see another person, another human being. I knew the horror that her face would reflect if she ever learned what I had done, and deep within me I knew that such a reaction was all I deserved. I felt sick and wanted to vomit but continued to look down, swallowing hard. I looked up at her and smiled, but my eyes watered and I felt Ming looking at me with concern.

“You don’t look well. Maybe I should go?”

“No, no, it was just so surprising to hear all that.”

“I’m sorry. These things mostly happened before you came so you wouldn’t have known.”

“Yes.” I looked into my past again, thinking of my last sight of Grandfather talking to himself on the side of the road as he watched my wedding palanquin bump its way to this house. I changed the subject.

“We will hold the dinner at the Cathay Hotel as you suggested. Father-in-law is very excited. It has made everything very much easier to organize . . . well, apart from the food,” I joked. “But I wanted to share something else with you.” I hesitated before I told her: “I’m having another baby.”

“That’s wonderful,” she said, looking happy for me. “Now your position in this family is assured.” The smile disappeared from her face then and she seemed a little guilty. “I’m sorry for returning to the subject of family politics, it seems we can never get away from them, but that’s very good news!”

“Yes. Yan knows, though I haven’t told Xiong Fa yet. I intend to tonight. But first I wanted to tell you.”

She squeezed my hand. Our conversation turned to other matters and after another hour or so Ming left me alone with Yan, but I had not stopped thinking of everything she had told me.

My maid started clearing the cups away.

“Yan, please sit down with me.”

“Mistress, I think we should clean this before master returns from work.”

“Just for a few minutes, please?” I looked up at her with tears in my eyes.

Yan sat down.

“Can we find her?” I burst out.

Yan stood up and came around the table to me. She stood next to me and took my hand as it rested on the table. She let me cry.

“Xiao Feng.” I looked up at her for it was like my grandfather talking to me again. She wore that half-smile that was sad and concerned for me, but more than anything loving and caring. “You know it is not possible. If I could have done this I would have brought her back to you before now.” She squeezed my hand. “If she is still alive, she will be more than two years old now and in that time could have gone anywhere.”