All the Blue of Heaven (16 page)

           
“Will you be at the governor’s picnic this Saturday?”

           
The question caught Allie off guard. Was he trying to remind her that Louise
had taken her place? The elation she felt moments before turned to lead in her
stomach.

           
“Yes, with Janey and Mama.”

           
He squinted out at the pond, the sunlight reflecting off the water onto his
face.  “Ransom Garnett brought in his horse yesterday. He asked after
you.”

           
Allie said nothing. After the Sunday service he had appeared next to her. She
barely remembered the man, except for his pleasant manners and easy way of
speaking. She had been so focused on Thomas.

           
“He has secured a fine position with Herman Blankentop, as an accountant. His
father owns four large flour mills on the East Side.” His tone was even and his
expression inscrutable.

           
She struggled to against the bitter words that fought on the tip of her tongue.
So, a successful man must be the cure to all of her ills? One moment they were
mending fences and the next, he was acting like Mama in her quest for the
perfect suitor.

           
Fine, she could play this game. “Mr. Garnett is also quite handsome. With his
blue eyes and perfectly wavy hair, he will be able to pick any woman he
wishes.”

           
Thomas nodded, a frown line appearing between his thick brows as they lowered
over his eyes.

           
She swung her feet in the water and said, “Imagine how sweet his children will
look. Perfect cherubs. I’m very partial to blond-haired babies, since Janey was
born.”

           
His face was like thunder and Allie saw a muscle jumping in his jaw. She felt a
strange surge of emotion but it was wrapped in feelings of hurt and anger. She
wanted him to suffer, to feel as lost as she did when he talked about Louise.
And then she hated herself for wanting it.

           
“You know Mama says no man will want to marry me and take Janey, too,” she said
softly. All the white hot anger slipped out of her at the thought of leaving
the little girl behind in her mother’s house, at the hands of strict Miss
Anthony.

           
“It’s true, there are some men who will not want the responsibility of a
child.” He glanced at her. “But I have a dear friend, Mr. Joe Starling, who
married a woman with six children. They are all very happy together.”

           
“Six?” gasped Allie, then she laughed at the thought of the children descending
on the poor man every night when he came home. “Well, then perhaps Janey and I
have a chance after all.”

           
“I am very sure you have an excellent chance. But Allie,” he said, pausing as
if he was choosing his words carefully, “surely you don’t intend to marry for
anything less than love?”

           
Her gaze searched his face, hoping to see some hint of humor. There was none.
He believed that she had a say in her future.

           
“Thomas,” she said, shaking her head. “What choice do I have? The earthquake
and fire destroyed everything. I came home because I could not raise Janey in a
tent. My mother has made it very clear that I will marry by this time next
year, if not sooner.” Allie’s voice hitched on the last words.

           
“You will not paint, even to support her?” He fixed his gaze on her face,
incredulous.

           
“It’s not so simple.” She sat up, tearing small pieces of grass to shreds in
her fingers.

           
“Then explain it. There is no one to interrupt here.” His tone was soft, but
like steel.

           
Allie frowned into her lap, searching for words. “When I left for San
Francisco, I was going to show everyone that they were wrong about me,
especially mother.”

           
“And you did.”

           
“Yes, but it was more than that.” She stared out at the water. “I wanted to
make people love me, respect me. The more famous I became, the more money I
earned with every painting...” Her voice trailed off.

           
He waited quietly, listening.

           
“I was sure that I was worthy of love. I was happy because I’d proven myself. I
expected only the best. And then when it was all gone, I saw how it was just
the outside that had changed. All I can see are wasted years, painting
portraits of rich people. I poured my heart and soul into something that was
worthless.” She shot him a glance. “Probably sounds very stupid.”

           
Thomas was quiet, expression somber. “You were always worthy, Allie.”

           
She waved a hand. “Of course, to the carriage man’s son, I would seem to be
someone very special.”

           
He bolted upright. “Yes, but that’s not what I meant. You were
born
worthy, Allie. What you were seeking was love that has no end. And God has
given you that from your very beginnings.”

           
Allie felt anger rise in her. He was giving her a speech, and he was just as
guilty. “So, you worked as hard as you have only for the purest reasons?”

           
Thomas frowned. “I don’t understand.”

           
“It seems I’m not the only one who fought for success. You say we’re born
worthy, but then you spend ten hours a day at your business. You took a place
on the city council. You bought a very fine house in one of the best
neighborhoods.”

           
She watched bright spots appear over his cheekbones but didn’t take back a
word.

           
“Perhaps it is true that I have worked hard for reasons other than to provide
for my family. It is not easy to forget where I come from, especially when my
mother is so very anxious to reinvent our family.”

           
Allie met his gaze. She knew what it was like to want a mother’s approval, to
yearn for the kind of love that should be unconditional.

           
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “That was unfair.”

           
“I can always count on you to be honest, Allie.” His tone was thick with
unspoken words.

           
She looked up, saw the fierce emotion reflected there. She shuddered, feeling
like her heart was straining to open. “It doesn’t matter now whether I was
painting for the wrong reason or not. Taking care of Janey is the only right
thing at the moment. Everything else comes second. Even painting.”

           
He started to speak, but she cut him off.

           
“Today I met a woman named Miss Anthony, a governess who makes children into
automatons. Mrs. Larson mentioned how Mama wanted this, this spirit-less,
heartless, block of wood to be Janey’s teacher. I can’t let it happen, Thomas!”
Her voice rose in panic and she fought to control the desperation she felt. “If
that means marrying a man I do not love, if he agrees to welcome Janey, then
that is what I shall do,” she ended shrilly.

           
Thomas reached out both hand and enclosed her shoulders in their warmth. “Allie,
take a breath. Now, another.” His eyes were riveted on her face, voice low and
calm.

           
“You can’t understand how I feel,” she began. He made a soft sound and she
closed her eyes, breathing deeply. She could feel the strength of him flowing through
her shoulders and down her arms, into her chest. The tight bands of fear around
her rib cage loosened.

           
“I do understand, a little. I know you are afraid of losing more than you have
already. I know that you will do anything to keep Janey with you.” He paused
and Allie opened her eyes, searching for the unspoken remainder.

           
“But,” he said, “marrying a wealthy man out of convenience will not guarantee
Janey’s happiness. She deserves to live with a real family, not grow up as the
reason you settled for less than you deserve.”

           
His words hit her like a blow. She drew back, then broke away from his touch.
“I would never let her know. What do you think I am?”

           
“Of course you would never tell her, Allie. But she knows you, like I know you.
We can see when you are hurting, when you are desperate.” He leaned forward,
his voice urgent. “You truly want to make Janey happy, Allie? Then don’t
sacrifice yourself for the sake of your mother’s social calendar, or Janey’s comfort,
or my wishes. The peace you gain won’t last forever and when it ends, it will
be a bigger mess than when you started.”

           
Allie stared, feelings rioting inside her. What did he mean about ‘his dreams’?
“But I don’t,” she stopped, then started again, “I don’t know what I want.” It
was true. She only knew
who
she wanted, and one of the two people she
wanted most in all the world was sitting right beside her.

                                      
****

           
Thomas felt her words sink into his heart like a stone thrown into the pond.
Seconds seemed an eternity, and the ripples of pain crested again and again as
he slowly came to terms with her statement.
I don’t know what I want.
It
couldn’t be clearer. Allie was in no state to be entertaining thoughts of
marriage.

           
He dropped his hands from her silk-covered shoulders, suddenly aware of the
warmth that had passed into his palms. He wanted more than anything to bare his
heart, to ask her to be his wife, how Janey would be welcome as his own child.
But not now. Not yet. He clenched his jaw, willing the words to stay put when
he was desperate to speak out, especially here at the edge of the pond. How
many times had he imagined this moment? This second chance was a miracle, an
answer to his prayers. And it would have to wait.

           
Her bright eyes were dim with sadness and pain. He yearned to take her in his
arms and comfort her. But like the whiskey his father would drink when the war
memories came back, Allie was searching for an escape. The girl he knew would
never have married for less than love because she understood love made a
family, not money or power. The Allie he knew took the high road and the narrow
path, not whatever people told her to take. The girl he knew had faith in
herself, and in God.

           
Thomas turned his face toward the pond. The air seemed heavy with the smell of
crushed grass. He could feel his heart pounding against his ribs and willed
himself to be silent. It might work if he spoke convincingly enough of his
love, but it would be wrong to take advantage of her confusion. She would be
his bride, but at what cost? When she recovered her equilibrium, she might hate
him for it.

           
No, the only way he could woo Allie now, would be to lead her back to God. He
was the only One who mattered.

           
“What do you miss the most?”

           
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her start, turn her head to look at him.
“I don’t understand.”

           
“If you had the power to bring back one item you have lost, what would it be?”

           
“I try not to think of what I have lost.” She said this last in a crisp tone
and brushed her hair off her neck.

           
“Humor me.” He turned and smiled at Allie, waiting until her lips responded
with a small smile of their own.

           
“I worked very hard, sometimes ten hours a day, to earn a living as a painter.
I had clients in and out of the studio, parties to attend where I would meet
new clients, other artists needed support.. We had a large group of friends,
artists and singers and actors. Our lives were full and happy.”  She
stared at the edge of the pond where the trees stood sentry over the still
water. “There was a midwife, Angela, who lived above us in the apartment
building. She was a wonderful friend. Eleanor assisted her at births and I
think she might have liked to be a midwife, if Matthew would have agreed. After
she passed, Angela asked me to assist. I don’t think she really needed my
help.” She glanced at him and shrugged a little. “It must sound very odd; a
painter assisting a midwife.”

           
“I’ve heard stranger,” he said in a dry tone.

           
Allie snorted and said, “I am sure. Well, I loved it as much as Eleanor did,
and there was no husband to refuse me. So, for the last four years, I assisted
Angela with birthing work” She fixed him with a glare. “Don’t tell Mama. She
would never understand. If she could have avoid ever bringing a child into this
world, she would have. To her it’s painful and messy and an unspeakable horror.
But to me, it is the most beautiful moment in the world. I miss hearing a
newborn cry. I miss seeing a mother smile as we hand her the baby. I miss
watching a father meet his child for the first time.” She stared off into the
hazy air. “New babies smell wonderful, did you know that? They smell sweet and
warm...” Her voice trailed off, a slight smile on her lips.

           
“So, you would bring back that time, when you assisted the midwife?”

           
She turned and blinked at Thomas, as if coming back from a dream. “No, I
thought of the babies because that is the way I feel about painting.” She
turned and chuckled. “Did you expect me to say I missed the ocean? Or the
seagulls? The steamed pork buns from the Yun Chow’s shop?”

           
Thomas grinned and stayed quiet.

           
“When my vision appeared out of nothing but canvas and color, it was like a
miracle. I felt close to God, the Creator of all, in that moment.” She finished
abruptly and sides of her mouth drew down.  “And when do you encounter
God, Thomas? When you work with the horses?” She asked the question with true
curiosity, and Thomas was struck by the fact that they had never talked of it
before. How many years they had been friends, had loved each other, and they
had never spoke of meeting God in their daily lives.

           
“During a hymn,” he answered plainly.

           
Allie’s gaze flew to his face and she laughed, as if he had made a joke. But he
kept his eyes steadily on hers.