Authors: T. C. Boyle
“You see that man?” she asked, lowering her voice. “The one with the hair? He was sitting right next to me on the last flight, the one where, well, I was telling you, I was looking out the window and the engine caught fire? And I've never been so scared in my life.”
The wind shrieked along the length of the fuselage, the lights dimmed and went up again, Michael poured himself a second glass of wine and made sympathetic noises. “You actually saw this? Flames? Or was it like sparks or something?”
She went cold with the memory of it. “Flames,” she said, pursing her lips and nodding her head. “I was so scared I started
praying.” She glanced out the window, as if to reassure herself. “You're not religious, are you?” she said, turning back to him.
“No,” he said, and he raised his hand to cut the throat of the subject before it could take hold of him. “I'm an atheist. I mean, we had no set religion in our house, that's just the way my parents were.”
“Me too,” she said, remembering religious instruction, the icy dip of the holy water, her mother in a black veil, and the priest intoning the sleepy immemorial phrases of her girlhood, “but we went to church when I was little.”
He didn't ask what church, and a silence fell between them as the plane rocked gently and the big man oscillated back from the lavatory. Ellen closed her eyes again, for just a moment, the swaying of the cabin and the pills and the Scotch pulling her down toward some inky dark place that was like the mouth of an abandoned well, like a cave deep in the earth⦠.
She was startled awake by a sudden explosion of voices behind her. “The fuck I will!” snarled a man's voice, and even through the fog of her waking she recognized it.
“But, sir, I've already told you, the plane is full. You can see for yourself.”
“Then put me up frontâand don't try to tell me that's full, because I was up there to use the rest room, and there's all sorts of space up there. This is bullshit. I'm not going to sit here squeezed in like a rat. I paid full fare, and I'm not going to take this shit anymore, you hear me?”
Heads had begun to turn. Ellen glanced at Michael, but he was absorbed with his computer, some message she couldn't read, some language she didn't know; for a moment she stared at the ranks of dark symbols floating across the dull firmament of the screen, then she craned her neck to see over the seat back. Lercher was standing in the aisle, his shoulders hunched, his head cocked forward against the low ceiling. Two flight attendants, the broad-faced woman and another, slighter woman with her hair in a neat French braid, stood facing him.
“There's nothing we can do, sir,” the slight woman said, an
edge of hostility in her voice. “I've already told you, you don't qualify for an upgrade. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to take your seat.”
“This is bullshit,” he reiterated. “Two and a half fucking hours on the ground, and then we get sent back to LAX, and now I'm stuck in this cattle car, and you won't even serve me a fucking drink? Huh? What do you call this?” He flailed his arms, appealing to the people seated around him; to a one, they looked away. “Well, I call it bullshit!” he roared.
The women held their ground. “Sit down, sir. Now. Or we'll have to call the captain.”
The big man's face changed. The crease between his eyes deepened; his lips drew back as if he were about to spit down the front of the first woman's crisp blue jacket. “All right,” he said ominously, “if that's how you want to play it,” and he was already swinging around and staggering toward the rear of the plane, the flight attendants trailing along helplessly in his wake. Ellen shifted in her seat so she could follow their progress, her hips straining against the seat belt, her right hand inadvertently braced against Michael's forearm. “Oh, I'm sorry,” she murmured, even as Lercher disappeared into the galley at the rear and she turned her face to Michael's. He looked startled, his eyes so blue and electric they reminded her of the fish in the classroom aquariumâthe neon tetras, with their bright lateral stripes. “Did you see that? I mean, did you hear himâthe man, the one I was telling you about?”
He hesitated a moment, just staring into her eyes. “No,” he said finally, “I didn't notice. I wasâI guess I was so absorbed in my work I didn't know where I was.”
Ellen's face darkened. “He's the worst kind of trash,” she said. “Just mean, that's all, like the bullies on the playground.”
And now there was the sound of a commotion from the rear of the plane, and Ellen turned to see Lercher emerge from the galley on the far side of the plane, the flight attendants cowering behind him. In each hand he wielded a gleaming stainless-steel coffeepot, and he was moving rapidly up the aisle, his eyes gone hard with
hate. “Out of my way!” he screamed, elbowing a tottering old lady aside. “Anybody fucks with me gets scalded, you hear me?”
People awoke with a snort. A hundred heads ducked down protectively, and on every face was an expression that said
not now, not here, not me.
No one said a word. And then, suddenly, a male flight attendant came hurtling down the aisle from the first-class section and attempted to tackle the big man, gripping him around the waist, and Ellen heard a woman cry out as hot coffee streamed down the front of her blouse. Lercher held his ground, bludgeoning the flight attendant to the floor with the butt of the wildly splashing pot he clutched in his right fist, and then the two female attendants were on him, tearing at his arms, and a male passenger, heavyset and balding, sprang savagely up out of his seat to enter the fray.
For a moment, they achieved a sort of equilibrium, surging forward and falling back again, but Lercher was too much for them. He stunned the heavyset man with a furious, slashing blow, then flung off the flight attendants as if they were nothing. The scalded woman screamed again, and Ellen felt as if a knife were twisting inside her. She couldn't breathe. Her arms went limp. Lercher was dancing in the aisle, shouting obscenities, moving backward now, toward the galley, and God only knew what other weapons he might find back there.
Where was the captain? Where were the people in charge? The cabin was in an uproar, babies screaming, voices crying out, movement everywhereâand Lercher was in the galley, dismantling the plane, and no one could do anything about it. There was the crash of a cart being overturned, a volley of shouts, and suddenly he appeared at the far end of Ellen's aisle, his face contorted until it was no human face at all. “Die!” he screamed. “Die, you motherfuckers!” The rear exit door was just opposite him, and he paused in his fury to kick at it with a big booted foot, and then he was hammering at the Plexiglas window with one of the coffeepots as if he could burst through it and sail on out into the troposphere like some sort of human missile.
“You're all going to die!” he screamed, pounding, pounding.
“You'll be sucked out into space, all of you!” Ellen thought she could hear the window crackingâwasn't anybody going to do anything?âand then he dropped both coffeepots and made a rush up the aisle for the first-class section.
Before she could react, Michael rose in a half-crouch, swung his laptop out across the saddlebag lady's tray table, and caught Lercher in the crotch with the sharp, flying corner of it. She saw his face then, Lercher's, twisted and swollen like a sore, and it came right at Michael, who could barely maneuver in his eighteen inches of allotted space. In a single motion, the big man snatched the laptop from Michael's hand and brought it whistling down across his skull, and Ellen felt him go limp beside her. At that point, she didn't know what she was doing. All she knew was that she'd had enough, enough of Roy and this big, drunken, testosterone-addled bully and the miserable, crimped life that awaited her at her mother's, and she came up out of her seat as if she'd been launchedâand in her hand, clamped there like a flaming sword, was a thin steel fork that she must have plucked from the cluttered dinner tray. She went for his face, for his head, his throat, enveloping him with her body, the drug singing in her heart and the Scotch flowing like ichor in her veins.
They made an emergency stop in Denver, and they sat on the ground in a swirling light snow as the authorities boarded the plane to take charge of Lercher. He'd been overpowered finally and bound to his seat with cloth napkins from the first-class dining service, a last napkin crammed into his mouth as a gag. The captain had come on the loudspeaker with a mouthful of apologies, and then, to a feeble cheer from the cabin, pledged free headphones and drinks on the house for the rest of the flight. Ellen sat, dazed, over yet another Scotch, the seat beside her vacant. Even before the men in uniforms boarded the plane to handcuff and shackle Lercher, the paramedics had rushed down the aisle to evacuate poor Michael to the nearest hospital, and she would never forget the way his eyes had rolled back in his head as they laid him out on the stretcher. And Lercher, big and bruised,
his head drunkenly bowed and the dried blood painted across his cheek where the fork had gone in and gone in again, as if she'd been carving a roast with a dull knife, Lercher led away like Billy Tindall or Lucas Lopez in the grip of the principal on a bad day at La Cumbre Elementary.
She sipped her drink, her face gone numb, eyes focused on nothing, as the whole plane murmured in awe. People stole glances at her, the saddlebag woman offered up her personal copy of the January
Cosmopolitan,
the captain himself came back to pay homage. And the flight attendantsâthey were so relieved they were practically genuflecting to her. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. There would be forms to fill out, a delay in Chicago, an uneventful flight into New York, eight hours behind schedule. Her mother would be there, with a face full of pity and resignation, and she'd be too delicate to mention Roy, or teaching, or any of the bleak details of the move itself, the waste of a new microwave, and all that furniture tossed in a Dumpster. She would smile, and Ellen would try to smile back. “Is that it?” her mother would say, eyeing the bag slung over her shoulder. “You must have some baggage?” And then, as they were heading down the carpeted corridor, two women caught in the crush of humanity, with the snow spitting outside and the holidays coming on, her mother would take her by the arm, smile up at her, and just to say something, anything, would ask, “Did you have a nice flight?”
I used to cut their lawn for them, before they paved it over, that is. It was the older one, Moira, the one with the white hair and vanilla skirt, who gave me the bad news. “Vincent,” she said, “Caitlin and I have decided to do without the lawnâand the shrubs and flowers too.” (We were in her kitchen at the time, a place from which every hint of color had been erased, Caitlin was hovering in the doorway with her vulcanized hair and cream-pie face, and my name is Larry, not Vincentâjust to give you some perspective.)
I shuffled my feet and ducked my head. “So you won't be needing a gardener anymore then?”
Moira exchanged a look with her sister, who was my age exactly: forty-two. I know, because we were in school together, all three of us, from elementary through junior high, when their parents took them to live in New York. Not long after that the parents died and left them a truckload of money, and eventually they made their way back to California to take up residence in the family manse, which has something like twenty rooms and two full acres of lawns and flowerbeds, which I knew intimately. Moira wasn't much to look at anymoreâtoo pinned-back and severeâbut Caitlin, if you caught her in the right light, could be very appealing. She had a sort of retro-ghoulish style about her, with her dead black clinging dress and Kabuki skin and all the rest of it. Black fingernails, of course. And toenails. I could just see the
glossy even row of them peeping out from beneath the hem of her dress.
“Well,” Moira demurred, coming back to me in her brisk grandmotherly way, though she wasn't a grandmother, never even married, and couldn't have been more than forty-four or -five, “I wouldn't be too hasty. We're going to want all the shrubs and trees removedâanything that shows inside the fence, that is.”
I'd been around in my time (in and out of college, stint in the merchant marine, twice married and twice divorced, and I'd lived in Poughkeepsie, Atlanta, Juneau, Cleveland and Mazatlán before I came home to California and my mother), and nothing surprised me. Or not particularly. I studied Moira's face, digging the toe of my workboot into the square of linoleum in front of me. “I don't know,” I said finally, “it's going to be a big jobâthe trees, anyway. I can handle the shrubs and flowers myself, but the treework's going to have to go to a professional. I can make some calls, if you want.”
Moira came right back at me, needling and sharp. “You know the rule: black jeans, white T-shirt, black caps. No exceptions.”
I was wearing black jeans myselfâand a white T-shirt and black cap, from which I'd removed the silver Raiders logo at her request. I was clear on the parameters here. But the money was good, very good, and I was used to dealing with the eccentric richâthat was pretty much all we had in this self-consciously quaint little town by the sea. And eccentric, as we all know, is just a code word for pure cold-water crazy. “Sure,” I said. “No problem.”
“You'll bill us?” Moira asked, smoothing down her skirt and crossing the room in a nervous flutter to pull open the refrigerator and peer inside.
Ten percent, I could see it alreadyâand the treework would be eleven or twelve thousand, easy, maybe more. It wasn't gouging, not really, just my commission for catering to their whimsâor needs. Black jeans and white T-shirts. Sure. I just nodded.
“And no Mexicans. I know there's practically nothing but on any work crew these days, and I have nothing against them, nothing at all, but you know how I feel, Vincent, I think. Don't you?”
She removed a clear glass pitcher of milk from the refrigerator and took a glass from the cupboard. “A black crew I'd have no objection toâor a white one, either. But it's got to be one or the other, no mixing, and you know”âshe paused, the glass in one hand, the pitcher in the otherâ“if it's a black crew, I think I'd like to see them in
white
jeans and
black
T-shirts. Would there be a problem with that, if the question should arise?”