Accepting His Terms (15 page)

The waitress brought her soup and as she sipped the hot liquid carefully, she thought about Grace. How did she do it? How did she survive this same excruciating pain not once, not twice, but three times? How had she found the strength to keep on going and to try a fourth time, knowing it could very well end the same way as the other three pregnancies had ended?

On impulse, she took her cell out of her purse. Dialing Grace’s number, she waited for an answer.

“Jill, honey, is everything all right?” Grace’s kind, sympathetic voice came on the line.

“I’m having lunch and I was thinking about you. Could we meet? I really want to ask you some questions if you don’t mind.”

“Of course I don’t mind, honey. You tell me when and where and I’ll be there. Or you can come here to the condo. Dad’s out golfing with his buddies this afternoon.”

“I’ll be by in a little while… and Grace… thanks,” she replied in a soft voice.

“Not a problem, I’ll be here.”

She finished her soup, forced the sandwich down, and washed it all down with the rest of her coffee and a few sips of water. Steeling herself for the conversation to come, she paid the tab and walked back to the office. She found Jarrod at Susie’s desk and told him she was going to visit his mother and would be back later.

“Why don’t you take the afternoon off if you’re spending it with Mom? There’s nothing pressing here for you to rush back to,” he suggested with a smile.

“Okay, I’ll do that. Grace and I haven’t had much time together recently. Did you find out about that other matter we discussed?”

“Yes, meet me in my office before you leave and I’ll fill you in,” he replied.

She walked to her office to turn off her computer and lock her file cabinet. As she locked her office door behind her, she quickly turned and headed toward her husband’s office. Jan stopped her on the way.

“Sis, hey, are you leaving for the day?”

“Yes, Grace and I are spending the afternoon together,” she replied nervously as she looked toward her husband’s office. She didn’t want to get into any type of conversation with her sister right now. She had been avoiding Jan and she knew at some point in time she would have to open up and talk to her. She wasn’t ready to do that just yet.

“Well, have a good time and tell her I said hello. We need to get together sometime, you and Jarrod, Bryan, and me.”

“You’re still seeing each other?” Jill asked. She’d been so out of it lately she had no idea what her sister had been doing.

“Why… yes… how can you not know that? We all work together. Are you sure you’re okay? Jill, we’ve all been pretty worried about you.”

“No, Jan, I’m not okay, but I’m working on it. Just give me my space. I really do need to go.” She walked away, leaving Jan staring after her shaking her head.

When she walked into Jarrod’s office, he was waiting for her. He smiled as he got up and walked to her.

“I’m glad you’re going to see Mom,” he said as he stood in front of her, not touching, but close enough so that his breath blew hot on her face as he faced her.

“I ran into Jan in the hallway. I’ve upset her but I can’t help it. I just can’t talk to her yet.”

“I’ll talk to her, baby. If you’ll just open up to me, I’ll be your buffer with everyone else. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see I want to help you through this?”

Looking down at the floor, she didn’t answer immediately. When she looked up, a tear rolled down her cheek as she replied, “I want to open up to you. I really do. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to do that yet. I don’t think you have any idea what this has done to me. You know I’m a little more high-strung than most people, so maybe that’s why this has affected me the way it has.”

“I haven’t seen the tell-tale signs… the hair twisting, the lip biting, it’s all gone. You’ve been so hard to read… I used to know exactly what you needed and when you needed it to pull you out of a funk. That’s not there anymore, baby. That strong bond we shared is gone and I’m afraid we may never get it back.”

“We may never get back to where we were… I’m hoping someday we can reach a place that’s acceptable for both of us.”

“Can I touch your face?” he asked as his hand came close to her face.

“Yes,” she whispered as she raised her face to look into his beautiful, sexy eyes, the eyes she loved so much.

Tenderly he caressed her cheek and she closed her eyes. She knew he wanted to kiss her and she wasn’t going to tell him no. As she waited, she felt his lips softly brush hers. Another tear fell and she opened her eyes. She put her arms around his neck and said, “Kiss me like you mean it, Jarrod. It’s what I need.”

He gazed into her eyes for just a second before complying with her whispered request. His face bent toward hers, his breath mingled with hers as he pulled her close to him and sighed just before his lips devoured hers in a kiss so intense it made her toes literally curl. She leaned into him, teasing the nape of his neck with her fingers. Tears flowed down her cheeks as she clung to the one man who could bring her back from the depths of despair.

When he released her, he said in a low voice, “I love you.”

She wiped the tears from her face with a tissue he handed her and said, “I need to get going. Did you make an appointment for me?”

He reached around to his desk behind him and picked up a slip of paper. Handing it to her he said, “Here you go.”

She looked at it and said, “Tomorrow morning at ten?”

“Yes, do you still want to go alone?”

“Yes, for now. Now I need to get to the condo. Grace will wonder what happened to me.”

“I’ll see you at home, maybe we can have dinner together for a change,” he said with a glimmer of hope in his voice.

“I’d like that,” she replied, adding, “We have to take this slow, Jarrod, please don’t push me.”

“I’ll do whatever I need to do to bring you back to me. If it’s slow you need, it’s slow you’ll get. I’ll just have to relearn to read you, now won’t I?” he replied with a grin.

She attempted a smile as she turned to go.

She made her way to the parking garage, carefully assessing her surroundings just the way Jarrod had taught her to do. She got into her car and drove to the condo where her mother-in-law waited to greet her with open arms and a loving heart.

Grace opened the door and smiled. “Sweetheart, I’m so glad to see you. Come on in. I’ve made us some tea.”

“Thank you,” she replied in a soft voice.

“Now sit down and tell me what’s on your mind. How have you been?”

She accepted the cup of tea handed to her. As she stirred honey into the hot, amber-colored liquid, she replied, “I haven’t been doing well. I guess you know that already, don’t you?”

“Jarrod has spoken to Dad several times, so yes, I was aware of it. What can I do to help you, dear girl? I’ll do whatever I can.”

“I’m afraid I need to ask you some very painful questions, Grace. I hate to open old wounds for you, but you may the only person on God’s green earth who can help me right now.”

“I figured this day would come. I’ll answer anything you ask. We can cry together, dear.”

“Oh, Grace, how did you do it? How did you go on? And most of all, how did you have the strength to keep trying and trying?”

“I won’t say it was easy. It was very difficult for me to move forward. After the first miscarriage, I was a lot like you, depressed, shut off. For months, I moped and cried. I worried my poor, dear husband to death. But he stood back, he gave me the space I needed, and when I needed to be held, he held me.”

“And the second time… how long did you wait?” Jill asked, breathlessly waiting to hear the reply.

“I waited a year. I finally decided it was time to try again. I had no reason to believe it could happen a second time. I lost that baby almost immediately.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. Yet, you tried again.”

“We did, as soon as the doctor said it was all right. And that time I carried the child to five months. When I lost that one, a little girl, I was devastated and swore I would never try again. The doctor even said I probably wouldn’t be able to conceive again.”

Tears rolled down the cheeks of both the Baine wives. Finally Jill spoke. “Jarrod and I had such a close bond before this happened. We were invincible, or so I thought. Now, he’s afraid to come near me, or at least until today, he was.”

“What happened today? What changed?” Grace asked as she wiped her face.

“I don’t know. We just sort of connected again, for just a few minutes. He told me how much he wants to help me. He even talked me into seeing a therapist. I have an appointment in the morning. He told me… he wants… me … back.”

“Of course he wants you back. My son is in love with you, Jill. He’s never been in love before, at least not the way he is with you. I can see it in his eyes. He’s been at a loss these months, too, not knowing what to do.”

“After you lost the baby girl, you had Jarrod.”

“Yes, but we had actually decided not to try again. We were going to adopt a baby. The interviews had been conducted, the paperwork filled out. The application was on file with the adoption agency. We were on a waiting list, waiting for the call that our baby had arrived.”

“What happened?”

“A miracle. I found out I was pregnant after the doctor had said I would probably never be able to conceive again after the last miscarriage.”

“The adoption was cancelled?”

“No, we were moved down on the list. In case I lost the baby again, our name would still be there.”

“But you didn’t miscarry again. Do the doctors know why?”

“No, they don’t. The doctor said Jarrod was a miracle baby. He was our miracle and we loved him like there was no tomorrow. The sun rose and set in his little gray-blue eyes. So much so that your father-in-law had to step in and insist I find outside interests. He said I was turning his son into a mama’s boy and he wasn’t going to stand for it. So I got interested in my volunteer projects, but my primary focus was always my baby boy. I had to force myself not to put him in a bubble and protect him from the world every day of his sweet, young life. When he was old enough, he made sure I didn’t dote on him around his friends or in public.”

“Jarrod wants a big family because he was an only child.”

“I know he does. Now that he knows the real reason he was only child, I don’t think he resents it as much, though. Jill, you still may be able to have that family. What have the doctors said?”

“The doctor says there’s no reason I can’t.”

“You know Jarrod will be as happy with one baby as he will be with four, don’t you?”

“Deep down, I know that Jarrod would be happy even with no babies, if we could get back to where we were before this happened.”

Grace breathed a sigh of relief. “Exactly, honey. So the first step is to work through this, see the therapist. Work on getting your relationship with your husband back, then talk about trying to have a family again. You may never be back to where you were before, because you’ve both gone through something tragic, but you might get to a place even better than where you were before.”

“I want that… I know that now. I love your son with all my heart. I thank God I didn’t drive him away with my depression.”

“Oh, no, he wouldn’t have left you. He may have moved out of the bedroom, but only because he sensed that’s what you needed. He had no intention of moving out of the house. You have to believe that, honey.”

“I’m beginning to. I know I’m not ready, not healed enough to think we can take up where we left off, but I
am
ready to find my way back.”

Grace hugged her and said, “That’s all any of us can ask for.”

“Thank you so much for telling me your story today. It helped. I really believe in time, I’ll be ready to give you those grandbabies you want, and God willing, I’ll be able to carry to term the next time.”

“I’ve been praying for just that. I’ll keep doing it.”

“I need to get going. Jarrod and I are having dinner together tonight.”

Grace smiled. “Enjoy it, cherish the time together.”

“I intend to.” Jill kissed her mother-in-law goodbye and hurried to the car, filled with a new energy she hadn’t felt in a long time. She had hope and she had love. How could she lose?

Chapter Nineteen

When Jill arrived at the house, Jarrod wasn’t there yet. She didn’t know if they were eating in or going out, so she decided to call him, something she hadn’t done in months.

He answered on the first ring. “Hi, baby. Are you still at Mom’s?”

“No, I’m home now. I was wondering how soon you’ll be here and if I should cook.”

“I think you’ve had a good day and we need to celebrate, so I was thinking of taking you out. How would you like to go to the winery where we had our first date and eat in the Italian place?”

“Sounds good to me, I’ll freshen up and be here waiting for you.”

“You have no idea what those words mean to me. I won’t be long.”

She ended the call and ran up the stairs to her room. Walking into the bathroom, she filled the tub with jasmine-scented bath salts and sank into the warms depths, easing away all the tensions the day had brought.

All in all, it had been a good day, just as Jarrod said it was. She felt a renewed sense of direction now. Granted she still had a long way to go, but with the help of her husband, her family, and the new therapist, maybe the light at the end of the tunnel was closer than ever before. Determined to find her way back, she relaxed in the water, closing her eyes.

She didn’t hear him come up the stairs. Nor did she hear his footsteps on the thick carpeting in the bedroom. When he called out, she opened her eyes in surprise.

“Jill, where are you?”

“I’m in the bathtub. I’ll be right out,” she replied as she stepped out of the tub and grabbed a fluffy towel from the rack. After drying briskly, she wrapped the towel around her and looked around for her robe. It wasn’t anywhere in sight so taking a deep breath, she walked into the bedroom.

“Jarrod, are you here?” she asked as she entered the room. He was gone. Apparently, he had gone across the hall to his own room to get ready to leave.