A Woman Lost (4 page)

“I can tell you spend a lot of time here.” She pointed to all the teacups and dirty plates.

“You could say that. I’m trying desperately to finish my dissertation. I would like to close this chapter of my life. And I work better here than at home.”
I would like to close this chapter? Come on, Lizzie! Who in the hell talks like that? Stop being such a pompous ass.

“Your girlfriend must get jealous?” She gestured to the framed photograph on my desk.

I’d never really considered that the picture made it clear we were in a relationship. Sarah had given the picture, with instructions to put it on my desk. It finally clicked why.

“It has been the source of a few fights. She thinks I’m a workaholic.”

“What do you think?” She crossed her arms.

“Oh, I know I am … but I love what I do. Researching makes me happy, even more than teaching, and as you can see”‌—‌I waved to all of my crap in the office‌—‌“I immerse myself in my work.” I paused to set my bag down and put in a couple of books I needed to take home that night. “You know what else makes me happy?”

“What?” She uncrossed her arms.

“Eating. How ‘bout grabbing some lunch?”

“You’re the boss.”

* * *

We sat outside on the patio at Coopersmith’s, my favorite restaurant in Old Town, Fort Collins, talking, laughing, and sharing funny childhood memories. It had been a long time since I had laughed this much with one person‌—‌and, the whole time, I could not take my eyes off her.

“So, how long have you and your girlfriend been together?”

“Not very long, only six months … wait … ” I started to count on my fingers. “Maybe it’s getting closer to eight months. What about you and Peter?”

“Over a year. You aren’t close to your family at all?”

“Was it that obvious?” I chuckled. “Let’s just say I’m the black sheep of the family. I keep to my own most of the time.”

“Your mother doesn’t seem to like you.”

I was somewhat taken aback by her bluntness, but I tried not to show it. “We have our differences.”

“Do they know you’re gay?”

“You don’t hold back, do you, Maddie?” I smiled at her. “Yes they know, but we all chose not to discuss it. Let me guess, Peter never brought it up?”

“No. I didn’t even know you existed for quite some time. Then he brought up your existence very casually. I was a little surprised. He dropped hints about you, but never proclaimed he had a sister.”

Peter had a way of inserting things into the middle of the conversation, as if he had already mentioned it and the listener just forgot or ignored him. If anyone questioned it, he made them look like an insensitive ass.

“Huh, Peter and I are a lot more alike than I thought.” I explained what had happened the previous day.

“Yes, you two are a lot alike. You don’t open up much.” She punched me lightly on the shoulder. “It can be very frustrating you know.”

“Why are you hitting me? I have my own angry woman at home.” I rubbed my shoulder.

“Peter isn’t here, and I’m sure if you’re like him at all, you deserve to be hit‌—‌and much harder, I might add. Am I wrong?” She looked at me with those incredible eyes.

I whistled through my teeth a little. “This is a difficult position to be in. If I say yes, I’m an asshole, then you’ll always think of me as an asshole. But if I say no, you’ll know I’m lying, and you’ll always think of me as a liar. If you were me, what would you do?” I flashed my most cunning smile.

She burst into a loud guffaw. “Oh, my God! You two are so much alike it’s fucking scary. Did your parents teach you two never to answer a question directly? Are they CIA?” Her head bobbed up and down in excitement as she spoke.

“You met my father … he could be.” I motioned to the waiter that we needed refills. A Coke for me, and a merlot for Maddie. “I can’t remember the last time that man and I had a conversation. So who knows? Maybe the vice president of a financial company thing is all a ruse. At least that would make him more exciting.”

“I think he hates me.”

“He’s not the one you have to worry about. Watch out for Mother. And, just a warning, Peter adores her.” I wanted to mention that I thought it was sick how he pandered to her, but I didn’t.

“I know, but thanks for the tip.” A look of worry marred her lovely face.

“So are you ready to join this crazy family?”

She looked away for the first time. “I guess.” She shrugged.

I couldn’t help but chortle. “You guess? Geez, I hope when I decide to take the plunge with a woman, she doesn’t say, ‘I guess it’s the right thing to do.’”

She hit me again. “Shut up.”

Her look was bewitching. No wonder Peter was enraptured with this young creature. My guess was that she was twenty-four years old. Peter was seven years older than me, nearing thirty-five.

“What about you? Have you considered, as you so elegantly put it, taking the plunge?”

“No.” I paused. “Not recently.”

“Not recently? So, who is the girl who broke your heart and made you so bitter?”

“Bitter? Me? Bitter? What gave you that impression?” I said.

“You know, you and Peter both have that incredible smile. You two flash that smile and you think you can convince anyone of anything. I think that’s why I agreed to marry your brother.”

I didn’t know what to say.

“Well, that and that I love him,” she mumbled.

“Here you are. I was beginning to worry.”

I looked up to find my girlfriend standing outside the railing of Coopersmith’s with her best friend, Haley. “Hey, sweetheart. What are you doing here?” I stood, leaned over the railing, and kissed Sarah’s cheek. For an instant, I felt like vomiting.

“Haley and I came for dinner. I tried calling you to see if you wanted to join us, but I kept getting your voice mail. I just assumed you were holed up in your office with your nose buried in some book.”

I saw her glance over in Maddie’s direction. Then she gave me an accusatory look.

“Shit!” I reached into my left pocket and pulled out my cell phone. It was still turned off. “Honey, I am so sorry. I forgot to turn my phone back on after class.” I didn’t even try to flash my smile this time. Her eyes told me that wouldn’t work. I didn’t think even a night of fucking was going to save me from the impending argument, either. I tried a diversionary tactic.

“Maddie, I’d like you to meet Sarah and her friend Haley. Sarah, this is my brother’s fiancée.” I stepped away from Sarah, in case any punches were thrown in my direction.

“I hope you don’t mind me stealing Lizzie for the day,” Maddie said. “Peter had some business to take care of, and he thought this would be a great opportunity for me to get to know my future sister-in-law.” She stood up and hugged Sarah, and then shook Haley’s limp hand. Haley wasn’t the hugging type, and her demeanor let everyone know that.

Sister-in-law
. The words suddenly made me feel ill. For the past several hours, I had been doing my best to imagine her naked. I was such an ass.

“It’s very nice to meet you,” Sarah said, as pleasantly as possible, considering she wanted to rip my head off.

“So, you two are having dinner. Do you guys want to join us?” I asked.

“That’s a great idea. We’ve been sitting here so long, I’m famished. You won’t believe this, but we came here to have lunch.” Maddie paused and then blurted out, “Sarah, Lizzie is quite the storyteller. She must keep you laughing all the time.”

Sarah smiled and tried to relax. She and Haley walked through the side gate and then sat down at the table. One thing I really admired about her was that she would never fight with me in public.

“Oh yes, I think that’s why I fell in love with her,” Sarah said. “She can be quite charming. And there is that smile.” She touched my cheek briefly.

For an instant, I thought she was going to sock me. Her eyes told me that was what she really wanted to do.

Instead, Maddie hit me again. “You see, I told you about that smile of yours.” She laughed her sexy laugh.

I smiled, and then I looked over at Sarah again. I was in for a very long night. Did she just say she was in love with me? We had barely said I love you to each other. In love? Was that the same thing, or was there a deeper meaning? I made a mental note to discuss it with Ethan.

Chapter Four

“I can’t believe you! After yesterday … again? Again, you do it. Do you just not care? Obviously, you don’t.” Sarah paced back and forth waving her arms in the air while I sat on the couch.

For the past five minutes, she had been ranting and raving, uttering short sentences or fragments, and not making much sense. “And then, last night. I can’t believe I fell for that. So what did you think, you could come home, fuck my brains out, and all would be forgotten?” She picked up her pacing. Her arm-flailing reached a manic level. “And I have never known you to have your cell phone off all day. Jesus, on our first date, you kept checking it whenever it rang. Even if you didn’t answer, you still checked it. You thought you were so smooth about it, but I knew.” She stopped and pinned me with a glare. I noticed she was breathing heavily.

“Sarah, it was such a last minute thing. Peter called this morning to arrange it. It’s not like I thought to myself, hey, it was so much fun hurting her the first time, I’ll try it again.”

She stared right at me and for a second she looked like a puma ready to pounce. Then she said in a somewhat calmer, but still shaky, voice, “So you admit that you hurt me.”

I stood up, walked over to her, and looked her right in the eyes. “Yes, I admit that I hurt you yesterday. And I admit that I hurt you again today. I don’t know what I was thinking. But I was going to tell you when I got home. I had no idea it would turn into an all-day affair.” She winced at the word affair and I instantly regretted my word choice.

“Why are you so mysterious all of the time? Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know who you are. Why can’t you just let me in? Half the time, I wonder if you even want to be with me.”

I remembered what Maddie had said and it took everything I had not to smile when I pictured her punching my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry.” I took Sarah into my arms. “I don’t try to keep you out of my life. God, Sarah, who knows why I’m so private? It just happens. Can we just agree that I’m a moron?” I held her really tight.

She whispered, “Sometimes, I don’t like you.”

For the first time in quite some time, I felt something for Sarah. I looked at her and my smile was genuine. “I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

She looked shocked. At first, I didn’t know why. Then I felt her wipe a tear from my cheek. She kissed my forehead and rested her head against my shoulder. “Please, Lizzie,” she whispered. “Just let me in every once in a while.”

I nodded and kissed her. “I will.” At that moment, I meant it. I really meant it.

Sarah’s eyes hardened. “Lizzie, I love you, but I won’t be with a liar. No more lies.”

I promised.

* * *

“I truly meant it, Ethan. When I said it, I meant it.” We were sitting in our usual spot, the coffee shop, on our usual day, Saturday. I had just finished explaining the past few days to him.

He stared at me while he sipped his coffee.

I downed a significant amount of my chai and then exclaimed, “Damn! That’s hot, hot, hot.”

Ethan chuckled. “Man I used to love that song.”

“What are you talking about? A song about a girl burning herself while drinking a chai?” I waved my hand in an attempt to cool my burning tongue.

“No, you idiot. The song ‘Hot Hot Hot’ by The Cure. Check it out. It’s a fun song. You can’t always listen to audiobooks, you know.”

“Why aren’t you saying anything about the real topic instead of some stupid song?”

“Lizzie, there’s nothing I can say. You have painted yourself into quite the corner.” He was staring at the barista.

“What, are we going to talk in code today? The man with the yellow hat owns a monkey.”

He chuckled. “I loved
Curious George
when I was little, too.” He placed both hands behind his head and leaned back in his chair.

“That’s great, Ethan. Let’s not talk about my situation. Let’s discuss children’s literature.”

He could tell I was upset. “Don’t get mad at me, Lizzie. You should be mad at yourself.”

“I … I know. How do I get into these situations?” I banged my hand on the table and almost spilled my chai.

“You do have a knack for it. I don’t know what to tell you. It took you forever to let me in, and I know you haven’t even let me in completely. It’s just how you are. Sarah will have to accept that about you. The question is: do you want to stay with her?” He stared at me intensely.

I stared back into his Coke-bottle glasses. “What do you mean?”

“You convinced her that you love her by squeezing out a few tears. But ask yourself why there were tears. Were you sad? Or were you just so overwhelmed with the situation that you didn’t know what to do? I’ve seen you almost cry here when they were out of chai. You’re so wound up all of the time that sometimes you crack. What made you crack that day? Also, you aren’t the most honest person. You have a way of telling people what you think they want to hear and not how you feel.”

Right then, my cell phone rang. I stared at it for a second before I answered. “Hello.”

“Hey, Lizzie. It’s Maddie. How are you doing?”

“Hi, Maddie. I’m doing well. What are you up to today?” I looked at Ethan to keep him quiet.

He stared at me in disbelief.

“Hey, we’re leaving town on Tuesday,” Maddie said. “Would you like to get together for lunch tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sounds great. How about I come down there this time?”

Ethan started to wave his arms frantically in the air and mouthed, “No.”

I hushed him. I didn’t think Maddie even noticed the commotion.

She continued, “I have a better idea. Why don’t we meet in Boulder? Peter tells me that they have good shopping along Pearl Street.”

“Sounds good. I know some superb restaurants there.”

We quickly arranged where to meet, and I hung up.

Ethan shook his head in bewilderment, “Are you going to tell Sarah?”