A Royal Pain (6 page)

“That’s very kind of you,” I said.

“Don’t mention it, love. Don’t you mention it,” she said expansively.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know your name.”

“It’s ’uggins, love. Mrs. ’ettie ’uggins.”

I thought that this was a rather unfortunate choice of name for someone who dropped aitches, but I smiled and held out my hand. “How do you do, Mrs. Huggins.”

“Pleased to meet you, I’m sure, your ’ighness.”

“I’m not a highness, just a lady, but Georgiana will do splendidly.”

“You’re a proper toff, miss, that’s what you are,” she said. She was halfway down the hall when my grandfather appeared.

“What’s going on, Hettie?” he asked. Then he saw me and his face lit up. “Cor, strike me down. Ain’t you a sight for sore eyes,” he said. “Come and give your old grandfather a kiss.”

I did so, enjoying the carbolic soap smell of his skin and the roughness of his cheek.

“I almost went home,” I said, “but then I remembered your speaking of your next-door neighbor so I thought I’d just try, on the off chance. Then when Mrs. Huggins didn’t answer her door to start with—”

“She’s a bit jumpy right now,” my grandfather said. “On account of the bailiffs.”

“The bay leaves?” Images of Mediterranean casseroles swam into my head.

“That’s right. She don’t want nothing to do with them and they keep coming round.”

I was rather confused by this statement. Why this irrational fear of bay leaves? Where did they keep coming around? In stews? In which case why couldn’t she remove them?

“Bay leaves?” I asked. “What is so terrible about bay leaves?”

“They’re trying to throw me out, that’s what,” Mrs. Huggins said. “Just because I fell a bit behind with the rent when I was poorly and had to pay the doctor.”

Light finally dawned and I blushed at my stupidity. “Oh, bailiffs. Oh, I see.”

“She don’t own her house like I do,” my grandfather said. “She weren’t lucky enough to have a daughter who did right by her, were you, Hettie love?”

“I got four daughters and they all married rotters,” she said. “It’s me who’s had to help them out, not the other way around.”

“Any sons, Mrs. Huggins?” I asked before this conversation turned completely maudlin.

Her face went blank. “Three boys,” she said. “All killed in the war. All three within a few days of each other.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah, well, there’s not much we can do about it now, is there. Wishing won’t bring them back. So I tries to muddle through as best I can. And enough of gloomy talk. Come on in and take a load off your feet, love.”

She propelled me through into a tiny dining room. Not only did it have a table and four chairs in it, but armchairs on either side of a fireplace, and a sideboard with a radio on it.

“I hope you don’t mind being in ’ere,” she said. “We don’t use the front parlor, except on special occasions. Sit down, ducks. Go on.”

She motioned to a chair. I sat experiencing the feeling of unreality that always came over me in normal houses. I had grown up in a castle. I was used to rooms bigger than this whole house, corridors long enough to practice roller skating and great whistling drafts of cold air coming from chimneys large enough to roast an ox. A room like this reminded me of the play cottage that my cousins Elizabeth and Margaret had in their garden.

“I’ve just come from tea at the palace,” I said as my thoughts returned to the royal family.

“The palace, well, I never.” Mrs. Higgins looked at my grandfather with awe on her face. “I’m afraid you won’t get nothing posh here, just good plain food.”

I looked at the tea table. I had expected something similar—thin sliced bread, little cakes—but this was not tea as I knew it. Slices of ham and cold pork, half a pork pie, a wedge of cheese, a big crusty loaf, pickled onions and a dish of tomatoes graced the table, as well as a moist brown fruitcake and some little rock buns.

“This is some tea,” I said.

“It’s what we usually have, ain’t it, Albert?”

My grandfather nodded. “We don’t have no dinner at night, like the posh folks do. We have our dinner in the middle of the day and then this is what we have in the evening.”

“It looks awfully good to me,” I said and happily accepted the slices of ham he was putting onto my plate.

“So what brings you down Essex way?” my grandfather asked as we ate. “And don’t tell me you was just passing.”

“I came because I need your advice, Granddad,” I said. “I’m in a bit of a pickle.”

“Is there a young man involved?” he asked with a worried glance at Mrs. Huggins.

“No, nothing like that. It’s just . . .” I looked up at Mrs. Huggins, sitting there all ears. I could hardly tell her why I had come but I couldn’t drag him away without seeming rude. The matter was solved when he said, “You can say what you want in front of Hettie. She and I don’t have no secrets, at least only the ones concerning my lady friends.”

“Get away with you.” Hettie chuckled and I realized that their relationship had progressed since I had last visited.

“It’s like this, Granddad,” I said, and related the whole conversation with the queen. “So I’ve no idea what to do next,” I said. “I can’t entertain a princess, but I dare not face the queen and tell her the truth either. She’d be so horrified that I’m slumming without servants that I know she’d send me off to the country to be some royal aunt’s lady-in-waiting.” My voice rose into a wail.

“All right, love. Don’t get yourself into a two-and-eight about it.”

“A what?”

“Two-and-eight. Cockney rhyming slang for a state. Haven’t you never heard that before?”

“I can’t say that I have.”

“Well, she wouldn’t, would she?” Mrs. Huggins demanded. “They don’t use no rhyming slang at the palace.”

Granddad smiled. “This wants a bit of thinking about,” he said, scratching his chin. “How long is this foreign princess coming for?”

“I’ve no idea. The queen did mention that she’d want us to come to Sandringham and there are house parties that we should attend.”

“So it might only be for a week or so?”

“Possibly.”

“Because I was thinking,” he said. “I know where I might be able to supply you with a cook and a butler.”

“You do? Where?”

“Us,” Granddad said, and burst out laughing. “Me and Mrs. Huggins. She’s a fair enough cook and I could pass as a butler when needed.”

“Granddad, I couldn’t expect you to be my servant. It wouldn’t seem right.”

“Ah, but you’d be doing us a bit of a favor yourself, love,” he said, with another glance at Mrs. Huggins. “You see it might be useful to be away from home if that bailiff is going to show up again with an eviction notice. He has to deliver it in person, don’t he?”

“But I couldn’t afford to pay you.”

“Don’t you worry about the money right now, my love,” Granddad said. “We don’t need paying, but you will need enough money to feed this young woman.”

“She’s probably going to expect the best,” Mrs. Huggins agreed. “I’d say it was wrong of the queen to expect you to pay for this out of your own pocket.”

“She just doesn’t think of such things,” I said. “The royal family never has to consider money. They don’t even carry money with them.”

“Nice for some,” Mrs. Huggins said with a knowing nod to my grandfather.

Granddad scratched his chin. “I was thinking that you should write to your brother and ask him for some help. He owes you a big favor, after all.”

“You’re right, he does, but he’s awfully hard up too.”

“Then tell him you’re bringing the princess home to Scotland. From what I know of your snooty sister-in-law, she’d do anything rather than have to entertain visiting royalty at her house.”

“Granddad, that’s a brilliant idea,” I said, laughing. “Absolutely brilliant. And I’ll remind Binky he promised to send me my maid as well. Oh, Lord, I’m sure the princess will expect someone to dress her.”

“I ain’t volunteering to dress no princesses,” Mrs. Huggins said. “I wouldn’t have no clue how them fancy clothes do up and my rough ’ands will probably scratch her delicate skin.”

“If Binky sends my maid from Scotland as he promised, then she can wait on the princess,” I said. “I’ve become quite used to doing without a maid myself.”

“So when is this likely to start?”

“Within the next few days,” I said. “Oh, dear. I’m not looking forward to it at all.”

“Don’t get yourself in a two-and-eight.” Granddad patted my knee. “It will all work out. You’ll see.”

Chapter 6

Our butler up at Castle Rannoch has become hard of hearing recently. It took a good five minutes before I could make him understand that I did not want to speak to Lady Georgiana, but that I
was
Lady Georgiana. Eventually the telephone was grabbed by none other than my sister-in-law, Fig.

“Georgiana?” She sounded startled. “What’s wrong now?”

“Why should something be wrong?”

“I trust you wouldn’t be squandering money on a telephone call with the current telephone rates being so astronomically high, unless it were a real emergency,” she said. “You are telephoning from Rannoch House, I take it?”

“I am, and it is something rather urgent.” I took a deep breath. “I wondered whether you were going to be home for the next few weeks.”

“Of course we’re going to be home,” she snapped. “Summer holidays are simply beyond our means these days. No longer can one think of jaunting off to the Med for the summer. I shall probably take little Podge to stay with his grandparents in Shropshire, but apart from that, it will strictly be a case of attempting to amuse ourselves at Castle Rannoch, however dreary that prospect may sound.”

“That’s good news, actually,” I said, “because I am going to suggest a way to liven things up for you. I’m planning to bring a party of Germans to stay with you.”

“Germans? With us? When?”

“The end of this week, I believe.”

“You’re going to bring a party of Germans to us this week?” Fig’s usually impeccable upbringing showed definite cracks. A lady is brought up never to show her emotions. Fig’s voice had become high and shrill. “How many Germans?”

“I’m not sure how big a retinue the princess will be bringing with her.”

“Princess?” Now she was definitely rattled.

“Yes, it’s all very simple really,” I said. “I had tea at the palace yesterday and Her Majesty asked me if I’d be good enough to host a visiting Bavarian princess—”

“You? Why you?”

It irked Fig considerably that I was related to the king and she was not, especially since my mother was of humble birth and an actress to boot. The closest Fig ever came to royal chumminess was an evening or two at Balmoral.

“Her Majesty felt that the palace might be rather stuffy for a young girl and that she would have more fun with someone closer to her own age. I would have been happy to comply in normal circumstances and play host at Rannoch House, but as you know, I no longer have an allowance from my brother and thus can afford no staff, so I don’t see how I can entertain anyone, especially a princess.”

“Then why didn’t you tell Her Majesty that?”

“Tell her that I’m living at the family home with no staff because my brother refuses to pay for them? How would that look, Fig? Think of the family name. The disgrace of it.” Before she could answer this I went on brightly, “So that was when I came up with the brain wave. I’ll just bring them all up to you in Scotland. They’ll have a rattling good time. We can organize some house parties for them, and excursions to the sea, and then make up a shooting party when the season starts in August. You know how much Germans love shooting things.”

“August?” Fig’s voice had now risen at least an octave. “You are expecting them to stay until August?”

“I have no idea how long they plan to stay. One does not go into trivial details with Her Majesty.”

“I am expected to feed a party of Germans until August? Georgiana, do you have any idea how much Germans eat?”

“I don’t see any other alternative,” I said, thoroughly enjoying this conversation so far.

“Tell the queen that you can’t do it. Simple as that.”

“One does not say no to the queen, Fig. And if I told her I couldn’t do it, I’d have to explain why and there would be a horrible fuss. As I said, this could all be solved quite simply. I’d be quite happy to entertain the princess at Rannoch House, were I given the means to do so. Her Majesty did mention inviting us to Sandringham for part of the time, and of course there would be plenty of house parties to keep Her Highness entertained, so the expense shouldn’t be too terrible. All Binky would have to do is to reinstate my allowance for a little while and send me down the maid he promised.”

“Georgiana, if didn’t know you better, I’d say you were trying to blackmail me,” Fig said coldly.