A Pinstriped Finger's My Only Friend (6 page)

(There
has
to be a way, right? There
must
be an explanation and a solution.)

Maybe, if I can just stay alert...

But then I don't. And my last thought as the darkness rolls through me is a question.

What will the world be like when I wake up?

*****

SEVEN HOURS AND SEVENTEEN MINUTES LATER:

"The posters are gone!" That's the first thing I notice when I come around the next morning.

(What does it
mean
?)

"Just the sports ones." Judd sounds a little hoarse, like he's still half-asleep. "The girls and cars are still there."

(But why? But why?)

"But
why?
" I look around the bedroom to see what else is different, casting for clues to whatever weirdness is coming our way. And then I see it. "Look! Look at your dresser!"

Judd props himself up against the wall and turns to look where I say. "My trophies!" He's stunned. "They're all gone!"

(For a teenage jock, this is like a wrecking ball to the nuts.)

"Every last one of them!" says Judd.

I feel bad for him and try to gloss over it. "Maybe people don't
get
trophies in this world."

"Then shouldn't there be ribbons or medals or
certificates
or something?" His voice rises with confusion and bitterness.

"Not if the Judd who
belongs
here isn't an athlete." I tap his palm for emphasis. "You must have replaced him when you arrived."

Judd scowls. "He wouldn't be much of a
Judd
if he wasn't an
athlete
."

I raise my own voice to punch through the fog. "Consider yourself
lucky
those are the only
changes
so far. At least we didn't wake up in a
torture chamber
or a den of giant
scorpion-vultures
or something."

That seems to get through to him. "That's true."

(Flash-of-pride time! Who's the voice of reason in the crazy zone, boys and ghouls? Can you say "the minor extremity?")

"So maybe this reality won't be so different." I look around but don't see any other major changes. "The
door
looks normal, doesn't it?"

Judd sees it and shrugs. "I guess so."

"Then maybe we've been through the worst of it..."

(...whatever "it" is...)

"...and we're on our way home." I try to sound upbeat.

"That'd be nice."

Just as he says it, there's a knock on the door. It's a heavy,
hard
knock that makes us both jump.

Judd sucks in a deep breath. "Well, I guess we're about to find out."

"Cross your fingers," I tell him.

(That's
another
of my favorite sayings for some reason!)

"Come in," says Judd.

The doorknob turns slowly. We both watch it like we're watching the last minute of the Superbowl, and the score's tied at fourth and goal.

For that brief moment, anything's possible. We could end up facing a raving maniac cyclops, a walking bundle of barbed wire and meat, a chain of gas-spewing puffballs...or who knows? Maybe a totally normal Mom and Dad.

(Or not.)

We hear a voice from the other side of the door. "
Push
." Not only is it not familiar, but I can't tell if it's male or female.

(Just loud and flat.)

Hinges creaking, the door eases open. We hear the voice again, its tone exactly the same. "
Walk
."

The two of us watch stiffly, unable to move, unable to stand the suspense. Is the nightmare over, or has it just begun?

Then, the door swings wide open, and we get our first glimpse of this new realm. Which, unfortunately...

(If I had feet, I'd be kicking something in frustration right about now!)

...is
not
our normal home, as this is
not
our normal Mom or Dad.

(Or
whatever
the fudge it is!)

But it seems to think Judd is as much its son as the version of Judd that used to live here, the one we displaced.

(How's that even
possible
? It makes my mind hurt to
think
about it.)

"
Wake
." The thing stands four feet tall. It looks roughly human...

(
Very
roughly!)

...and by that, I mean it has a head, shoulders, arms, chest, torso, and legs. But every piece of it is squared off and flattened. Not a single curve anywhere in sight.

And it's dull gray, except for the eyes, which are black. It's like a rough-hewn figure carved out of a block of putty, then pressed flat.

"
You.
" When it raises its arms, they bend like taffy. It gestures at Judd with its hands, which are squares without digits. "
Eat
."

Judd clears his throat and looks down at me. His eyes are wide, and I can read the question on his face.

What do we do now?

"Play the game." I say it in a loud whisper. "Get by or give up."

"
Eat
." Roughly Human claps its square hands, which sound like two rubber floor mats smacking together. "
Now
."

Judd gives it an apprehensive stare. He's reluctant to go with it, and I can't blame him.

(Roughly Human might not be an immediate threat, but it's creepy as spit!)

"Okay." Judd gets up. "Just let me get dressed."

"
Fast
." Roughly Human steps closer. "
Late
."

Judd covers his nose with his left hand...

(Including Killdigit!)

...and I know why. Up close and personal, R.H. smells like super-strong
hooch
. Like industrial-strength, don't-light-a-match, strips-the-varnish-off-a-varnish-vat
death-a-hol.

"Agghh!" I curl up as tight as I can, trying to get away from the stench. "That's terrible!"

Judd coughs, then darts around R.H. "How about a little
space
, huh?"

Roughly Human turns and marches stiffly out the door. "
Late
."

The door stays open till Judd slams it shut. Then he heads for the closet. "
This
oughtta be a fun place." His heart's pounding as he whips open the folding door and flips through the shirts hanging inside. I know he's nervous about leaving his room.

"Just remember who's got your six, dude!" Even as he uses his left hand to slide clothes hangers out of the way, I stick myself straight up. "
Killdigit
, otherwise known as
Oogachucka
."

Judd stops rummaging and stares at me. "Seriously?
Oogachucka
?"

"It's a name of
power
, dude! It's a
warning
!" I rock back and forth, trying to look threatening. "Do. Not.
Mess
."

Judd laughs. So much for the case of nerves, at least for the moment. "Oogachucka." He grins and shakes his head when he says it. "Shouldn't you have a more
pinky-type
name? Something like...how about
Pinkerton
?"

"I already
told
you what my names are. You oughtta
respect
'em, dude."

"Yeah, I like that." Judd laughs some more. "
Pinkerton
. That's perfect."

"Okay, all right." I admit it, I'm getting steamed. "Then how about if I call you
Fartleroy
instead of
your
real name?"

"Whatever." He's still laughing as he goes back to hunting a shirt. "
Pinkerton
." Which just grates on my nerves, but at least he's in motion instead of wrapped around the axle. At least he's taking my advice and playing the game, come what may.

However bizarre or disturbing it might be out there in the rest of the house.

Or the rest of the world.

*****

ONE HOUR AND TEN MINUTES
LATER:

What does breakfast tell us? And the ride to school?

That this is going to be one majorly boring place.

(Insert copious yawns here.)

Roughly Human...

(We
still
don't know if it's Mom or Dad!)

(Could it be
both
?)

...serves up some kind of gray block on a plate, along with a side dish of gray mush and a glass of gray goo.

(Did I mention the complete lack of silverware?)

Judd dips a finger in the mush...

(Not
this
finger, thank God!)

...and reports that it tastes like nothing. Just a lumpy mush with no flavor--not bad, not good, just
blah
. When Roughly Human insistently shoves the glass of goo at him...

(Broken-recording the word "
Drink
" till Judd finally gives in...)

...he has a sip of that, too, with the same result. The goo has the consistency of paste or snot and all the flavor of mud.

(Really
bland
mud.)

Even the
dog
won't eat or drink the stuff, and believe me, Judd tries to feed it to him!

(At least I
think
that's Sphinx. It's all squared-off and flattened like R.H., but with four rectangular legs and a tail of interlocking squares.)

(R.H. just calls it "
Pet
.")

So that sets the tone, and the ride to school reinforces it.

(Times a million!)

Because not only is the car a boring, featureless lump of gray matter...

(Everything's squared-off except the wheels, and you couldn't find a detail if you tried.)

(Apparently, Judd's cherry red Mustang doesn't exist in Boringville.)

...but the neighborhoods we pass are just as variation-free. The houses are cookie-cutter gray boxes...

(Just like ours!)

...with grassless gray yards and identical tree-facsimiles...

(One tree per lot, in the right front corner, consisting of a gray cylindrical trunk like a toilet paper tube and a uniform gray sphere perched atop it.)

...and the same address stamped on the gray front door.

(Which is always "Here.")

We come to a more built-up area, which I think is the counterpart of the shopping district back home, but it isn't much different. The mini-malls are just long gray boxes with windows. The local restaurants are gray boxes with one-word names stamped on the front ("Pizza." "Chicken." "Burger.") The big home improvement center, the discount department store, and the supermarket are all the same: gray box, gray box, gray box. The parking lots are full of gray cars just like ours, and the landscaping is all gray blocks and balls and pyramids...

(De-bushified bushes, de-shrubified shrubs?)

...plopped in grassless gray gardens punctuated by gray tube-and-sphere quasi-trees.

(You get the idea.)

Not that this is a
bad
thing, mind you. I can feel the dude relaxing as we go, and we're on the save wavelength.

Because the less exciting this place is, the less danger we're probably in. I'll take boring, bland, and drab over wild and fatal any day of the week.

Just as I'm getting used to this gray doldrum world, though, Roughly Human turns left at the light...

(Which has bright gray, dim gray, and dark gray choices.)

...and starts down a familiar street. We're not far from school now.

At first, the street's the same as all the rest, lined with gray box buildings squatting under a low gray cloud deck. Blah, blah, blah.

(How're we gonna stay
awake
in a boring gray classroom??)

Then, the street bears left. As we clear an office building and the view opens up, Judd gasps and flings an arm in front of his face.

(Left arm of course!)

That's
how bright the light is from the gleaming golden
palace
sprawling before us. Sprawling
and
floating.

(You heard me!
Floating
!)

There is nothing but
nothing
even
remotely
gray about this massive compound. Not only is every surface covered with polished, gleaming gold, but the grounds around...

(...and
under
...)

...it are bursting with lush green grass and actual green trees and shrubbery. There's even a
rainbow
overhead, sparkling in the brilliant sunlight blazing down through a hole in the clouds.

("Breathtaking" is the word for it, especially after all the gray and gloomy everythingelse.)

Judd is kind of dazed as he lowers his arm and takes it all in. "Is that...is that..."

"
School
," says Roughly Human.

"Wow." Judd's eyes are running all over the place, darting from one golden turret to the next...from the vast archway vaulting over the gates to the massive pyramid rising up from the middle...from the giant domed structure at one end to the identical dome on the far side. "Are those..." He points out the side window. "Are those
trophies
?"

(Got it in one, dude!)

A ring of enormous trophies orbits the huge campus like a ring of golden statues flashing in the sunlight. Hard to tell from here, but I'll bet each trophy's at least a dozen feet tall, with a base the size of a school bus, and...

(Did I really
see
that??)

"They're
moving
." Judd confirms it. "Not just revolving around the school! The trophies are moving their arms and legs!" He leans out the window, looking up as the car drifts closer. "Their
heads
, too!"

I gape at the sight right along with him. "Kick-
ass
." I wish I could whistle, because
man
would I fire one off right now.

Roughly Human stops at the towering golden gates on the ground in front of the school. "
Go
."

Judd hesitates. "Where
is
everyone? Am I the last one to get here?"

Roughly Human gives him a shove with those flat, square hand-paddles. "
First
."

Judd throws the car door open and gets out. The second his feet hit the ground, Roughly Human races off, letting the door flip shut en route.

We stand at the gate for a moment, looking around for signs of life...and one other thing.

"I don't see stairs." I bring it up first. "Do you think they throw down a
ladder
or something?"

"Good question." Judd shades his eyes against the glare from the golden parapets of the heavenly compound. "I don't know
how
we're supposed to get up there."

"Maybe we
aren't
." I lean as far forward as I can to get a closer look. The bottom of the floating campus, which looks like the base of a vast golden bowl, hovers at least twenty feet above ground level. The front entrance is higher still, another ten feet or so up from the rim of the base.

"But this is
school
," says Judd. "We
have
to get inside, don't we?"

I flick myself back and forth, thinking it over. "Why do I feel like we're
missing
something?"

Suddenly, we hear a distant roar, like the sound of an approaching plane. Judd frowns. "What the heck is that?"

The wind picks up as he turns and gazes into the sky. There might be a clear spot over the school, but the cloud deck hangs all around for as far as we can see. Whatever's coming, it's up above the deck, concealed by gray murk.

The roar gets louder, and the wind grows stronger still, kicking bits of gray garbage down the street. "We should go!" Judd keeps his worried glare locked on the clouds. "What if there's something
really bad
coming?"

I thump him on the palm. "Then you sic
Killdigit
on it, dude. That simple."

Just as I say it, a lone figure shoots down out of the clouds, trailing wisps of water vapor. It's a boy, and he's flying unassisted...

(No plane, no glider, no jet pack.)

...just a body rocketing toward us at a forty-five degree angle, racing arrow-straight through the air with arms and legs fully extended.

"Holy human cannonballs!" I'm stunned by the sight, and I know Judd is, too. I keep expecting a parachute to pop, but it never does. "He's gonna crash!"

If he does, it won't be pretty--and not just because of what it will do to him, but who he is. As the figure hurtles closer, Judd cries out in recognition. "That's Wayne! Wayne Leary!"

(Judd's best friend and the team's star point guard!)

Wayne spins in midair like a corkscrew, then swoops up high and does a massive loop-de-loop. It's then I realize one crucial fact. "He's in
control
. He's flying under his own
power
."

As Wayne rolls through his loop, we see he isn't the only bird in the sky. More kids punch down through the cloud deck, zooming side-by-side like a squadron of fighter planes. There're three, then eight, then twelve, then twenty, all bolting downward--boys and girls, seniors and sophomores and freshmen alike. But they're just the first raindrops ahead of the storm.

Seconds later, the rest of the school's population plunges down like a fusillade of missiles...hundreds of teenage bodies blasting out of the clouds. So many familiar faces, all zipping and spinning and weaving as they peel toward us. And that
roar
, that hurricane
roar.
I finally realize what it is.

(The voices of hundreds of students rushing out of the sky, all talking and laughing and shouting at once!)

Judd's hair whips in the wake of the soaring students as they flow past us in a mighty wave. The ground actually
rumbles
from the force of their passage.

(What a
sight
! What a
feeling
!)

The whole vast tide pours through the golden gates and into the floating campus. When the bulk of the cascade ends, a few stragglers are left to zip after it, some in small groups, some alone.

And Judd is alone, too...

(Except for me!)

...left standing down below, just as helpless to reach the lofty compound as before.

"Well that sucks." I flick from side to side, my way of shaking my head. "You mean to tell me not one of those jerks could give us a lif--"

Before I can finish my sentence...

(I
hate
being
cut off
, by the way! Fingers are
like
that!)

...someone swoops down and grabs us off the ground! Next thing I know, we're barreling up and through the gates, heading straight for the giant front door of West Beach High.

Who's doing the carrying, you ask? I'll give you a clue: She's kissing the hell out of Judd!

(Now
that's
a taxi service!)

Does the name
Kaela
ring a bell? Good, but this ain't her! The girl who's slobbering all over Judd is none other than
Eva
.

Who, apparently, is a little more...

(...shall we say...)

...
aggressive
in this version of reality. She's got her
tongue
halfway down his
throat
while flying at a high rate of speed!

(And her
hands
aren't exactly
idle
, either!)

Eva whisks us through the front door and down the corridor, which is like fifty feet high! It
needs
to be, what with all the kids flying around.

(Their lockers are in the heights and in the ceiling itself!)

We zoom all the way to the central pyramid, zipping around kids in the way with the greatest of ease. The whole time, she's kissing Judd with her eyes closed, never looking up once that I can see.

(Chick must have some kind of
radar
.)

Then, she lands gently in the middle of the pyramid, in the square of multicolored light cast down by the stained glass peak. And that's where she gives him the kiss to end all kisses, surrounded by flying students swooping this way and that, before she leans back and gazes into his eyes.

Which is when we see that her eyes are as golden and glowing as the walls of the floating campus.

Judd pulls back instantly, shocked at the sight. She just grabs hold of his arm and hauls him in tight again.

(I never knew the girl was so
strong!
)

"You are so hot." She gazes at him, which is when I notice that her eyes aren't the only things about her that glow. In fact,
everything
about her seems to radiate a soft, golden aura. She's wearing a basketball uniform--a purple tank top jersey and purple shorts--and even
that
seems to radiate golden light. "I'm the luckiest girl in school, having you as my boyfriend."

"Thanks." Judd's a little nervous now that he's keyed in on her golden eyes and full-body glow. "I think you're awesome, too."

Just as she kisses him again, the sound of ringing bells fills the pyramid--big, echoing bells like you might hear in a giant cathedral. People start scattering.

Eva breaks the clinch. "Let's go! We've got to hurry or we'll be late for our first game!"

"Game?" says Judd. "You mean class?"

Eva pulls him with her as she heads down a hallway. "Class? What the heck's a
class
?"

Judd gives me a look, and I know his next comment's for me.

(Though he doesn't seem too keen on talking to his pinky finger in front of his babe.)

"I'm starting to think this might turn out to be the best day
ever
." That's what he says.

So much for being bored!

*****