A Moment (9 page)

Maybe if I keep telling myself that I’ll eventually make the queasy knot in my gut go away.

“Mija,” my mother tracks my movements with her eyes, “you’re making me dizzy. Sit.” She points her fingers at the couch.

Ade’s drinking milk tea and munching on a torta at the table, a small smile curves her lips.

Tossing my hands to the side, I plop down on the couch. It’s ten minutes till he’s supposed to get here.

Javier’s sitting next to Mama’s wheelchair flipping slowly through another one of his books. Today was a good day for him. He hadn’t had a rage, actually they’re coming less and less. So long as he has his comics handy, he’s behaving. Even the school had noticed, they’d sent me a report yesterday. The first good one I’d gotten from him in a while.

I shouldn’t, but it gives me hope that maybe things are finally starting to look up.

Mama’s hand returns to her armrest, her fingers resting casually beside Javi’s face. She isn’t touching him, but it’s as close as he’ll ever allow.

My heart clenches.

“Maybe this is a bad idea,” I say.

“Mija, no…” my mother shakes her head. “Why would you say that?”

Adelida stands, dusting crumbs off her green day dress, before waddling slowly over to me. “You cannot protect him from the world, Lili. Javi is getting much better every day.”

But it isn’t just Javi that’s bothering me. Yes, bringing a man into the picture is definitely something that weighs heavy on me, friend or not, but I’m not sure I even know how to be a guy’s friend anymore.

I’d spent the last seven years keeping all of them at a distance. Even Alex, who I like a lot.

“Yeah, but, I don’t know how to do this. How to be friends with a man.”

Ade and mama exchange glances. Mama’s creased with a frown, Ade’s with worried patience. Grabbing my hand and pulling it to her lap, Ade pats it.

“You yourself said this is not a date, correct?”

I nibble on the corner of my thumb nail. “Yeah.”

“Well then?” She shrugs large shoulders. “Why turn this into something it’s not? Go out, enjoy yourself, you know Javi will have a good time and just don’t think too hard.”

“Yes, mami.” My mother’s brown eyes are so large and full of warmth and tears burn my throat. “Not all men are your father.”

She’d always had an uncanny way of stripping away pretense and getting right to the root of a matter.

I can’t look her in the eye; I’ve never told her the truth about Ryan. I’d come home that night and promised to keep it all to myself. It’d been easy to sneak into the house, change out of my soiled clothes and throw it away. She’d known I’d visited the hospital, but I hadn’t told her why or for whom. As if a part of me felt that moment belonged to him and I alone.

What would she think if she knew I was going out with a man who’d slit his wrists and nearly died three months ago? They wouldn’t be telling me to calm down, that’s for sure; they’d be urging me to run as fast and far away as possible.

A part of me already knows that. That I should run, that I shouldn’t pass go and shouldn’t collect two hundred. This isn’t my most brilliant idea, something about Ryan nags at me, tells me going down this road will lead only to heartache in the end. That he’s one thing in my life I shouldn’t try to save.

All my life I’ve been fascinated by the weak and helpless. Twice, I’d found chicks on the ground in front of me, ugly little things. Naked, red, hardly any feathers and peeping for food, I’d tried to nurse them back to health. Both times, I’d failed, and it’d torn my heart in two.

Because of that I’m training to become a nurse. I need to help, to try and save. And Ryan needs saving.

Knocking on the door startles me from my thoughts. Eyes going wide, I look at my mom with a silent plea.

But it’s Ade that stands and opens the door.

“Hello.”

His deep, whiskey smooth voice does strange things to me. Pulls and tugs at emotions I’d thought long dead. Nerves assault my body, make my fingertips go cold and my breath hitch, and I have to be honest… maybe I’m not being completely altruistic with this thing either.

I don’t want to be, but I’m very attracted to the man.

Dressed in distressed jeans and a white button down shirt my heart literally skips a beat as I take him all in. I grab my chest, feeling that sense of déjà vu all over again, like I’ve seen him before. Before the bar, before that night… long ago, but the memory is so fleeting and dissolves before I can latch on to it.

Brushing dark curls out of his eyes, he looks around until he spots me. I can’t move off the couch, my feet have forgotten the most basic of functions.

“Hi,” he says with a soft smile and it’s there in that smile that I see the guy I’d sat across from eating sushi with.

The one who makes me laugh and forget everything except how good it is to be alive.

I smile back.

“Welcome.” My mother lifts her hand just slightly. “I hear you’ll be taking my babies to the zoo?”

Face still open and pleasant he nods. “That’s the plan, ma’am.”

Cheeks flushed, eyes twinkling with something that looks suspiciously like adoration, mama turns to me and nods-- as if to say ‘I like this one’.

“Good, it’s not healthy for my daughter to stay home so often.”

“Mama,” I warn and clear my throat.

“What? It is true,” her accent thickens, becomes high pitched with laughter, “you hide yourself in your books and work. You’re too gorgeous to stay so hidden.” Swiveling in her seat, she nods. “Am I right, Ryan? She’s gorgeous, no?”

His lips twitch and I wish the ground would just open up so I can drop into it. Why is mom fishing? Doesn’t she realize how pathetic that makes me look?

Cringing, I say, “Mama, stop, please.”

Ryan nods, but his eyes are on my face as he says, “Yes, yes she is.”

Shuffling my feet, I pretend to look for my purse, knowing full well it’s sitting on the floor beside the couch. After a minute I bend over and pick it up.

“Javi, baby,” I kneel in front of him, he doesn’t stop turning his pages, “would you like to go to the zoo today and see the leo’s?”

His brows flicker.

“I’ll buy you ice cream.” Curling my fingers against my chest, I wait.

Cocking his head, he stops turning the pages and meticulously begins to first close, then roll up his comic. Standing, he tucks it into his back jean pocket and heads to the door.

I look at Ryan, the moment of truth, what will Javi do?

“Javi,” I lick my lips, “this is my friend, Ryan.”

Ryan stands completely still.

Javier’s eyes roll slowly toward Ryan’s brown boots.

I nod at Ryan to say hi.

Rubbing the back of his neck, he says just as slowly as I had earlier, “Hello, Javier.”

Ade steeples her fingers and places them against her lips. The anticipation in the room so thick it makes my toes tingle.

Without looking up, Javier walks to the door and grabs his worn Spiderman cap, plopping it on his head. Crisis averted, in his own way, he’d said ‘hi’ back.

Relaxing, I wave at my mom and Ade. Tears glisten in mama’s eyes.

“Okay, we’ll see you guys later.” I blow air kisses and then hook my arm through Ryan’s, leading him toward the door.

“Good to meet you,” he cranes his neck one final time back at them.

“Go. Go.” Mom air kisses back. “Be safe. Don’t rush,” she gets out just as I’m closing the door behind us.

“So I passed?” Ryan whispers, his moist breath fans the shell of my ear making things tighten in my lower belly.

Turning to him, I nod. “With flying colors.”

***

Ryan

Everything flew out the window the moment I saw her sitting on the couch. All the reasons why this was a bad idea, all the reasons I’d come up with to gently let her know this couldn’t happen between us… the second I’d seen her, I’d had a brain dump.

Dressed in pink, she’s a breath of spring. The dress comes to her knees and shows off a shapely expanse of legs. The cinch at her waist only accentuates its shape and my mouth waters.

We’re sitting on the bench in front of the lion exhibit, been here the past hour actually. The moment we’d walked through the doors Javier had headed unerringly toward the exhibit. Now he barely moves, just continues to lick his blue frozen popsicle until it disappears, staring at the lion’s as if he can divine the mysteries of the universe within the cage.

The boy is small-- reminds me of Lili in a lot of ways with his small button nose, big sloping eyes and dark curly hair.

He doesn’t talk much though, just looks.

“Thank you for this,” she says, leaning into me. Her breasts graze my chest as she turns, and my balls draw tight.

She smells good. Like a field of wildflowers. Her hair is down today, falling all around her face and shoulders. I curl my fingers up to prevent myself from reaching out and touching it.

“You’re welcome. Though if I’d known you’d be such a cheap non-date I might have asked you sooner.”

She laughs and the sound is nice.

It reaches deep inside me, stirs things up, makes me hot and cold. I shift on the seat.

Popping a kernel of popcorn into her mouth she chews and swallows before saying, “Javi, likes you.”

Looking back at the boy I frown. “How can you tell? He hasn’t said two words to me.”

A thoughtful expression flits across her features, softening them as she seems to be remembering something. “Because when he doesn’t, he rages.”

“Rages?”

She shrugs, bouncing her leg, drawing my eye to the tips of her black painted toenails. “I don’t know, I guess it’s the way he shows his disgust or anger. He screams and bucks and hits and,” she sighs, giving me a weak shake of her head, “it’s not pretty. It can take hours to bring him down from one of those.”

“Does he have them a lot?”

She moves, stirring her scent in the breeze and I inhale sharply, letting her smell saturate my lungs. Sitting in the park, with the sun all around us, I can’t help but wonder when was the last time I’ve been to a zoo, it’s not something on my bucket list, but I don’t altogether hate this either.

“Maybe one or two a week now.”

“A week? Damn.”

She licks the salt off her fingers. Wish it was me doing that.

“It’s a helluva lot better than it used to be. It actually feels almost normal now. Does that sound lame?” She rolls her eyes. “My life is so crazy that him not throwing fits is normal? I’m not sure what that says about me.” She tosses another kernel into her mouth.

This time a crumb settles against the edge of her lip. Giving into instinct, I rub my thumb across it. Her lips are so soft and pink and I want to kiss her.

Taste her.

Wrap my tongue around hers and never come up for air again.

Swallowing audibly, her beautiful green eyes go wide and I come crashing back down to reality.

Clearing my throat, I hold the crumb up for inspection. “Had a piece on your mouth.”

“Oh.” Her voice is reed thin. “Thanks.”

Inching a little away from me, I want to groan, knowing I’d just screwed up. Non-date means no touching.

“Look, sorry about that,” I hold up my hands, “don’t know what I was thinking.”

A small sound between a sigh and a chuckle spills from her throat. “No, I’m sorry. I’m so freaking gun shy around you.”

“Me? Why?” Crossing my legs, I rest my arm behind her back on the bench. Not touching, but close enough to feel the heat.