A Mended Man (The Men of Halfway House Book 4) (50 page)

Every.

Fricken.

Time.

He was numb afterward, like a big noodle on the bed unable to coordinate any of his limbs—all in a good way. Definitely nothing like what those monsters had done to him in hell all those years ago. And definitely not the same as getting off with a fuck buddy then stuffing himself back into his pants in record time to avoid getting caught in some convenient location.

He'd been missing out.

Big time.

He wanted to experience that again. Correction. He wanted to know he could deliver that much pleasure to Jessie. The thought of being inside Jess as he writhed with pleasure beneath him, yeah, definitely at the top of his to-do list…all caps with bold letters and exclamation points. Underline that to-do item a dozen times. After that night, he'd needed a talkie session.

Stat.

He set aside his excuses and opened up to Ms. Fix-it. His desire to be with Jessie finally tipped the scales and superseded the power of his demons. He even went as far as doing the whole
lying-on-the-couch
bit with his boots propped up on the armrest. Maybe he had reached that point of trust with Dr. Engel or maybe staring at a spot on the ceiling did make it easier to reveal a dark truth. Regardless of the reason or the ironic ease with which he finally opened up about something he'd held silent for so long, talking about it with another person did lessen the twist in his stomach.

Thankfully, Dr. Engel didn't give him any shit about wanting to dive in with both feet. She'd simply told him to take the step if he thought he was ready. He sure as hell hadn't been seeking permission, but he refused to screw up his progress or risk anything blowing up between him and Jessie. The whole bed thing had worked out for them, but he didn't want to tempt the vindictive Lady Luck without talking to the good doctor first.

"Can I help you?" a female voice said, pulling him from his thoughts.

Aidan slowly turned to face the drugstore employee. Her long, flowing, wavy blonde hair bounced with each tilt of her head and smile. Oddly perky with a smile spreading wide across her face, he wondered what drove her to stock feminine items in the neighboring shelf instead of working retail where she could bank some commission.

"I'm fine." Because seriously, what grown man asked for help buying condoms and lube?

"You look a little lost."

Go away. I'm trying to be nice.

"I can help," she said, twisting her hands together.

Aidan sighed. He hated this shit. He hated shopping, hated being questioned, but most of all, he hated feeling stupid about something that seemed like the kind of thing someone could basically grab off the display as they walked down the aisle.

He wanted to hit something.

"What are you looking for?"

What the hell did Ms. Perky Blonde think he was here for? To buy a car? A suit? He reached for the black box—obviously the right choice for him if the condom shared a name with a handgun.

"Those are a larger size. Are you sure about that one?"

Seriously?
How about you give me a fucking ruler and we find out?
He grabbed another box to prove his point then looked down at the rack of lube. He reached for the brand Jessie always stocked at home and slowly turned his head toward Perky Blonde, wishing she would return to her job and leave him the fuck alone.

She smiled and nodded. "That one's good."

Did she think he needed her approval? He returned his focus to the rack and grabbed a second bottle. Screw it. He grabbed a third bottle.

"Hosting a…party?"

Perky Blonde was now officially Ms. Nosy.

"Nope," he said, mimicking the way Jessie said the word, popping the "p" with his lips. He couldn't survive condom shopping twice in the same week. Fuck it. He grabbed the remaining same brand of boxes and tubes in each row, emptying out their inventory.

He stood, straightening his shoulders with his arms full of condoms and lube. "Busy weekend," he said, walking away, hiding his grin at the shocked expression on Ms. Nosy's face.

They lay in bed naked, Jessie straddling Aidan, waiting, staring at each other without saying a word.

Jessie combed his fingers through Aidan's hair, watching the trepidation mix with the want and need in his expression. "We'll stop if you want. But I promise you, it won't be the same."

Aidan nodded quickly and looked away. Jessie continued to run his fingers through Aidan's thick hair, knowing the stroking rhythm often soothed him. This was a defining step, to see and experience firsthand the distinction between what had happened to him and what would happen between them. But it could also potentially resurrect a storm of memories that would drive a wedge between them and throw Aidan back into his shell.

Aidan reached for the lube and condom, snapped open the cap, and squeezed a small amount on his fingers, rubbing them together. He paused for a moment and scowled, squeezing more into his palm until his entire large hand glistened with the slippery gel.

"Um, I think that's good," Jessie said.

"I want to make sure. I've got more tubes just in case."

Jessie pushed the loose strands away from Aidan's face. "I think we're fine with just the one for tonight."

"You're making fun of me."

"No. You're overthinking and worrying. It'll be fine." He pressed a kiss to Aidan's lips just as a slick hand traveled up and down his crease.

Aidan reached for the tube again. "I think I need more."

"Do you want me to do this part?"

Aidan threw his head back into the pillow. "No. I need to." He reached over and grabbed the tube again, pouring more lube between his fingers.

Jessie ducked his head to the crook of Aidan's neck, trying to hide his smile.

"
Now
you're making fun of me."

"I think you're being cute as hell," he said, unable to disguise the hint of laughter in his voice.

"Cute…is definitely not the word I'm hoping for tonight."

Jessie's laughter transitioned into a moan when Aidan's finger breached his entrance. Aidan reached up and pulled him down with his other hand, pressing his lips against Jessie's and swiping them with his tongue, demanding an invitation. Jessie deepened the kiss as he arched his backside in offering, begging for more with a muffled whimper. He broke the kiss with a gasp when a second finger joined the first. His head fell forward against Aidan's forehead as the burn mirrored the beginning of the licks of flames rising within.

"Say something," Aidan said in a gravelly tone, slowly withdrawing his fingers.

"Don't stop," he said in a whisper. Aidan pulled him into another kiss while twisting his fingers inside Jessie, exploring and stretching every inch of his depth. He writhed and pushed into Aidan's fingers then forward against his hard and ready body, seeking friction. "I'm ready," he said, reluctantly ripping himself away from the kiss.

"Not yet."

Jessie reached down between them and wrapped his fingers around Aidan's hard-on, sliding his fist along the silky, heated skin.

"Not. Yet," Aidan said carefully, with overwhelming control that was both surprising and arousing as he continued to stretch and prepare him.

"Please."

Aidan kiss-bit Jessie's jawline. "That's a low blow. You know I can't resist when you say that."

"Please…please…please—"

Aidan quieted him with a hard kiss, firmly gripping Jessie's head with his other hand and angling him, feasting on his mouth. Aidan broke away from the kiss, gasping for air, looking over and reaching for the towel he had set on the bed. He wiped the ridiculous amount of slick off his hand then tossed the towel to the side. He reached up with both hands and grabbed Jessie's head, inhaling sharply and fusing their lips together in a searing kiss. They pulled and tugged each other, turning on the bed until Aidan hovered over him, his larger form heaving with each breath, unmistakably dominant and powerful as if ready to pounce on command.

Jessie reached up and ran his fingertips along the side of Aidan's face, overwhelmed by the sense of peace and rightness blooming in his chest.

Aidan closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. "I want you so much," he said, his tone rich with desire but laced with worry.

Jessie reached over and grabbed the packet, ripping it open and snatching the lube before Aidan had a chance to reach it—no way would he survive a second round of over-slick rubbing and teasing torture. "Let me." He slowly readied Aidan, taking his time, hoping to dampen the desire thrumming through his body long enough to enjoy this for more than a few seconds. He glanced up and groaned at the harnessed restraint burning in Aidan's gaze and radiating from his clenched jaw. Aidan's arms were straight with the force of his muscles holding his body in a push-up position, granting Jessie the space he needed to complete his task. The control in every millimeter of muscle aroused each atom in Jessie's body. He wanted Aidan to lose control, to possess him, to brand his body and soul so the world would know they belonged to each other.

"You keep doing that and I'm not going to last."

"Doing what?" Jessie teased with a hint of a smile, slowly sliding his slick hand up and down Aidan's sheathed, straining dick.

"Looking at me like that."

"And here I thought it was what I was doing with my hand."

"That too."

Jessie grabbed the discarded towel and wiped his hands, relaxing into the mattress with a groan when the weight of Aidan's body rested on him. He wrapped his arms around Aidan's shoulders, gripping him closely, seeking the intimate slide of their tongues to deepen the kiss. A whimper escaped when Aidan rubbed his body against him, the friction welcomed but not enough.

Jessie separated from the kiss in a drunken haze of need and stilled with the fear staring back at him in those hazel eyes.

* * * *

Aidan took a few deep breaths, his chest heaving with each measured intake of air. The
what-ifs
racing through his mind definitely stalled his progress. His body screamed
Do it!
while his head forced him to stop. He reached out and clenched his hand into a fist just before his fingers grazed Jessie's cheek, steadying the shake and hoping Jessie wouldn't interpret it as hesitation. He wanted this, he
needed
this, but the worry kept him in check. The thought of hurting Jess…

He took a deep breath.

This was a decathlon Olympic-sized leap, and now, he wasn't sure he could do it.

Jessie gently wrapped his fingers around Aidan's wrist, guiding his hand back to his cheek when he began to pull away.

Aidan closed his eyes when his palm met the heat of Jessie's skin. He brushed his lips against the side of Jessie's neck, peppering tentative kisses upward to his jawline then features. He opened his eyes and his lungs seized at the desire and need staring back at him from those clear blue eyes.

Jessie locked his fingers behind Aidan's neck then brushed his thumbs along the corded tension. "I'm okay. I swear I am. I'll tell you if I'm not. Okay?"

Aidan nodded and exhaled slowly, letting the tension in his body ease with those words. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Jessie's then ran his palm along Jessie's body, pulling him closer to position himself.

Jessie moaned and wrapped his legs around Aidan's waist, holding him tightly as he deepened the kiss. Aidan ran his fingers up into Jessie's hair and gripped the strands harder than intended.

Stop fucking overthinking. This is not the same.

Aidan screwed his eyes shut and finally, slowly canted his hips and cautiously pushed into Jessie's welcoming heat.

He inched farther inside with a groan, reveling in the tightness and heat that slowly enveloped him. He bent to kiss Jessie's shoulder and inhaled a shaky breath, hoping to settle his racing heart and steady the tension and quiver of his muscles as he carefully seated himself completely inside Jessie.

No flashback. No memory.

Just Jessie and a sudden, odd sense of peace.

Something settled deep within, clicking into place. As if a part of his soul had waited for this precise moment in space and time to awaken and sing a magnum opus from every mountaintop in the universe. This was different. Tender. Breath-stealing in all the right ways.

Aidan's pulse sped with the play of emotions touching each of Jessie's features. Desire, passion, and need battled for attention over the indisputable love screaming from his blue eyes.

No pain.

He dug his arms under Jessie and tugged him closer, savoring the warmth of the full-body embrace, relishing the soul-calming peace Jessie always offered him.

For the first time in his life, everything felt right and connected—in his mind, body, and spirit. As if the reason he had struggled his entire life was simply to recognize and avoid questioning the perfection and the rightness of this one single moment. To know, without hesitation, their coming together was fated and beautiful, a union of soulmates who had finally found their way into each other's arms.

"Aidan?'

"Hmm," he mumbled against Jessie's warm skin.