A Girl Is a Half-Formed Thing (14 page)

In the morning. Morning mass and the funeral. Parish priest says what they ask. A good man and a sound man and very continent. Carried up into the graveyard and lowered him down. Throw a rose on top. His daughters. More at him than on. Rub their shoulders sons and sons-in-law. He’s buried. Under the muck. The end. Go on there get into your hole. Amen. And. Amen.

We troop back to his kitchen. And more eating more. Eating him house and home. Whose is it? Who knows? Who cares? Not me. But the biddies clustering. Have one of them ham sangwiches love.

So, that aunt wife says she says we’re leaving. Early. Sorry about that. It was the only flight we could get that gets us back in time for work on Monday. Got to get back. Aye. Well now we must meet up again not wait til someone dies the next time. They all neigh and say the same but I go out. Look at me. I must go out of doors. At this. Go on, you knew, I say in my own ear. What did you think would happen? Funeral’s over. Amen and again.

On the beach. On the stones. On the water splash. I’ll hear it go right through me. Now see. Because he’s going away. I knew sure. I knew that. But still. The ocean comes. I’ll put my hands in. I’ll baptise. I like again. That cold running round my knuckles. Catch it just a bit. Don’t you start. And don’t let the ice in. Don’t you dare start now. A stupid fucked-up thing. Walk and walk it. Go on over the rocks. Put the air in your lungs. The fright out. You didn’t want. Took it. But. But but. It’s nothing now. Forget all that was nothing at all.

You’re here he said. I thought you would be. Look you heard my wife. I’m going and. I know you are what do you want me to do? Why do I do that? Don’t do. Shall I not then? No.

He’s worried this. Face closing over with. Look. What? Jesus. I want. I want. You want what? No. He turns and thinks it. Want what? Tell me. He says I can’t do without this. Without you. Again. I want. Have you a number? I’m over often I. Want you again.

I don’t think, I say I don’t think I don’t know what is I don’t what is if this is we should or, you know. So many things things things curling up in my head. Jesus Jesus.

Look. I haven’t got time. Do you hear me? She’s waiting. They’re waiting. Daughters. Yes or no he says. Yes or no.

I look. Flood my eyes. Because this is a long dark thing to do and cannot be undone. Will I? I say inside my mouth. Can I? Do I want? I. Yes. I. And I say. Do you have a pen? Then. Here. Take it down. Because I have no idea what is right. And I know that he smiles. That he stands with his back to the house. And I look at him. And he strokes my face. And he strokes my hair. And he touches my breast. And says. That’s my girl. I’ll see you soon. And back then he to his own.

I’m as sick as I can be in the car back home. I’m as full of all sorts of things as I am. Was. Know that in the bone and race of me I am wrong different from you. Where is that from? Don’t know. Still so nonetheless. I watch. She sniffing at the wheel and you your walkman in your ears. You’d be buzzing all the way home. She says. Come on children now. Let’s offer up a few prayers for the Holy Souls.

Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy. Hail our life our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve. To thee do we send up our sighs mourning and weeping in this valley of tears. Turn then most gracious Advocate thine eyes of mercy towards us. And after this, our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb Jesus. Oh clement oh loving oh sweet Virgin Mary. Pray for us sinners. Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

PART IV

EXTREME UNCTION

1

Jesus that. Stink of that. City when I got off the train. Get a lungful of that in you and see how you do, she says cigarette filter fraying brown on her tongue. Thoo pthoo. Looking knackered, alright? Not too bad. Come on with me. Thanks for. It’s a good month is it since I seen you last. Is there loads to tell me? Ah there is oh loads. And aren’t you mighty I say. Coming all this way. In. Not much missus. You are. Well fuck and I am. Now I’d say, a good laugh’s what we need.

Take the skirt off that one says your man. Some man. Later in the night where I am lying. My feet up on top of his bar. We’re all laughing we are. Who. All of us here. Ah now lads my granddad’s just dead. Shall we have a period of mourning? Shall we have a period at all? She roars. We shall we shall. And we’ll drink these whiskeys down for him. A haon, a dó, a haon, dó trí down with it. Ah the neck the poor auld neck. Right in the troat she says. Don’t be splashing they say. Go on lads. Do then. Lock the door. We do. We let them for we’re having such a time. Sure don’t mind the Gardaí they say. They can’t see in. Switch them lights down. I’m dancing dancing twirl my head. On the bar in my slip shoes. Pool and cake of it. Puddles and fag ash stink of sweat. This place smells like shite. Round the I do the rounds on the bar. Kick off that glass now. Kick that one. Into the wall. Would you credit it? One of them says stop. In my burl. I cannot see. Hey stop that you fucking. Fucking mad thing. Them glasses have to be paid for and not by my dad. Not my dad either I shout I say Jesus Christ. Skid the corner wood and almost fall off cut my knees. Easy now. I’ve got you. Easy now there missus she laughs says. Come on the lot of you let’s go up the stairs.

In the dark we are climbing up where electric’s not on. Everyone’s feeling my leg makes me laugh out. Makes me laugh out more and she. Saying cut that quack. Sure we’ll be playing hide and seek. And look for me and I am gone. Backing tiptoe. Moving in the dark. Put out my hand but slip and. Go on land. Shhh quiet slither I must. In the dark hands and knees. Find the bath. It’s a warm spot there. Echo. Hands are warm. Mouths kiss on me. Someone. Faces I kiss though they’re cold though they’re slimy full of tongues. Who. What’s that? They’ll get me will they up between the legs. Who’s there? What’s that? Shall we do in the quiet? Oh now. A mortal sin. You know. Go on empty mouths and tongues and hands and fingers pass me up. That some hurt me with nails on my face. Get me up. Up the. He. Up there. Jesus. What’s that? What’s that? Swig this there. Have it going up my nose sure I’ll snot ribena that’s not what’s that. Ah springing like. Oh. No. Blood. God. Jesus. She’s got blood coming out of her. What of her? Head. She’s a nosebleed this one or something like that. Ha? God yuck sit up put your head back. You know this is only the second time I’ve a had a nosebleed in my life. Gunk sliding. Get the ice you. Rolling in my throat. Go on. Fucking what’s she on. What. Nothing. I never. Nothing like that. Fall back. Think I’ll almost hit my head. He. Who. I’ll go to. I’ll go to sleep. Here. Wake you. Fucking state. Wake up. Get the fuck- up and get out of here and on my behalf she’s efffing blinding. Fuck ye she says. Fuck you fuck you. What did you do to her in there? You pack of knackers. Pack of pervs. Well get the fuck you out of here too they say. Hoors and tinkers stinking pieces of shite. Go and Jesus Christ that one she can’t take a drink. Joke. Oh. Goodnight.

Drag me all back. All the way. Home.

In the morning. Stung my eyes. Awake now? Are you alright? I’m a. And what have you to tell? What? God you look desperate are you she says laying on my bed. Wag fag at me. What have you been up to? He? Who? Just I. I. Jesus Christ you know what. My grandfather died. Well that isn’t the look of you you have. He? Who? Yes. Who? What? I just need a spot of sleep. Well there’s a cup of tea there. Thanks. And I’m staying the week. Oh right. Bastard father did not pay my rent. Fine. Do you know. What? We should get a flat together. Grand so. I know. Tell me what you’ve been up to? Not a thing. Not a thing I say. We fell asleep teas in our hands. Nose full of dried up blood tastes.

I sleep I can barely sleep next to her in the bed. She’s roaring full of it. In-took breaths snorts all sorts wheeze and toss about. But my head’s there on the pillow just in case I can. I am dreaming. What’s on my secret face she sees? Lines of lies and things I’ve done. Oh what’s coming down the road. Through the curtains. He. If I say no I won’t no. I know. But I could but. I think about him. And it would it’d be like? This time. Now that it can’t hurt. Now that I’m stretched I know. What could I do. Well we’ll wait we’ll see we’ll. Go to sleep. Who? Shoo you.

And we do get our flat and we live just the same. Some days weeks time go by.

Hi there. You had a phonecall. Who? Your mother oh. Call her again. Hello Mammy? Oh oh oh. I can’t go on like this I don’t think I can go on she say this way. What? Not. He. So selfish a child of mine makes me drive him pick up after this that and the other. It’s an awful way to. In front of that TV at the end of my tether at the end of my rope. Sorry to hear that Mammy. Hung up before long. Not mine this problem. No.

Well now an exam is it whatsit doing bit of study here and there. About to slog about to slog I am. Why’s he not called? Maybe I’m to forget again. Time. Time.

Ring bring. Chew off the side of my face. Well Mammy. Is it that bad? Do you think so do you think? God desperate. Look I’ll call you next week. I did. For my conscience for my clean bill sake. It was bad for her when her father died. And she want to. Decide to clean the whole thing out. Wound of. And fester we and supposed to help. Not so easy. You must. You and your brother. Speak. I’ll put him on the phone. Hello she’s shouting, make some effort before it gets too late. But also often she says. Bone idle never does a tap. Make me wait on him hand and foot. Let me out of this clap trap. I. But. I go on in. Hello and how are you? Fine fine fine.

So off up there. City. She and I. Going mad. Back to the books to the fucks I forget we are going round and around again. Scald the mouth off you with that it would. I am listening though and there was no sign of him. Uncle. So we’re in. Bring thinging this one that one home. Fella. Creep it ha ha up the stairs. Two by two of them not every. Spat out – at – after between us pair. Ah nice boy nice boy shall I have him for lunch? It’s a roar. It’s a laugh. We. For a laugh. Always are. No sign of him. Uncle. That’s alright. And just as well. But she’s always asking what happened you? Me? You’re weird ever since. From the funeral. Something must have gone on. Say no. Always. For what would I? That might be a little too much.

Fine fine I’ll come if you want Mammy. If that’s what you’re after. I don’t know what I can do. Sister be a brother sister fixer of her woes. Am I like that? Am I that thing it seems yes. So ho ho on the phone. What’s this not pulling your weight sort it out please you sort it out. I’ll do my best though I don’t know. You say she give me all the blame. She doesn’t want me play computers watch TV not sit by her or sit by her. Do something, I say, for she’ll drive me mad. Sorry. And I hang up.

Then I visit see what she means. So much slackness. Sittingness. Sitting still. Sitting down. You always doing. Sitting drive me. Jesus. Spare. Something like. Are you there are you there? Is anything happening in your life? And I think. She’ll be minding you all her days. Maybe yes or is it maybe no. Sitting nothing. Sitting not a thing at all. Watch the telly. It is all. What can I do? Instil. Some seed. For what? She wants me to. But I’m not your. Mother. Something. What do I do? God I want to run. Make my run from here and you two at each other’s throats. Day and night night day and on and on. She’s on the nag at me. And to you she say, did you do that? Yes I did. Did you fix dry wash? I did. Going to such and such? I am. And I say go on. You go and fuck yourself coming down here who you think are? Telling me what to do you’re a fucking slut and all the world knows that. Shut up. Shut up. How dare you? Who are you talking to. Get away. Make me. Again and again. Spinning round in our good spew. Rancid. Rack of it. Such sweet family. I want. Please. Give a moment in this. Please. Give me a break.

I see sit by her crying I am so alone. I wonder if your brother’s ever loved me at all. I can’t do this I cannot. This does me no good at all. Screeching rowing. Every day. When you’re not here I’m. Feel everything give out. Under me. Under this. He’ll never do anything. My head whacking. Amount. And I wonder sometimes for her. Would you be better off dead? Don’t say that. Don’t you ever say that. I say it in me. But. That’s forever now. Look. That is me. My thoughts. Are all shame.

I make off from it. I make my escape. Leave you cough it up fight it out amongst yourselves. Get away from it oh god. And don’t. No. Answer the calls. Fill my ear up. Fill my mouth instead. Man drink do what you like to me. I am safe. I am free. In my own way I am but it weighs me, beats me when I’m not doing the rounds. Split and splatter my heart head. So I get cold in the mouth on answering her bring bring.

Do you know she says. This one’s a big surprise. Your brother I’d say is going mad. Do you know he forgot to go to work today just forgot. What do you mean he slept in? No. Just did not. Creeping over my eyelids. Something awful in that. There’s more than. Something not quite. Wrong. Have you made him go to the doctor? Yes and she says there’s nothing wrong. He should get a pocketbook. Remind himself. But at his age. Do you know Mammy I think you should take it. What? Further. Do you? Yes. I do.

I do not want. I do not want to hear this. But suddenly it’s clawing all over me. Like flesh. Terror. Vast and alive. I think I know it. Something terrible is. The world’s about to. The world’s about to. Tip. No it isn’t. Ha. Don’t be silly. Stupid. Fine. Fine. Everything will be. Fine. Chew it lurks me. See and smell. In the corner of my eye. What. Something not so good.