A Game of Vows (13 page)

She would have to tell Eduardo. There was really no way around it. Because she had to explain to him where she was coming from.

He appeared a few moments later, dressed in shorts and sandals, ready for a casual walk on the beach. She only had one pair of jeans, so she was going to have to settle for rolling them up past her ankles.

“I’m not really hungry,” he said. “Are you ready?”

She picked up another bacon strip. “Yeah.” She stood and took a deep breath, following him out the back door of the house. There was a little path that cut through the meadow and led down the hillside, tall grass rising up, making the walkway feel enclosed. Private.

The ground softened and turned from dirt to sand, the chilly, salty air stinging her cheeks. They were quiet until they reached the shore.

“How are you feeling now, Hannah?”

“Now that I’ve had a full twenty-four hours to process it?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Not great.”

“Tell me,” he said, still walking. Heading toward a grove
of trees that was at the far end of the beach. “Do you still want to give the baby up?”

Her throat tightened. “It’s not a matter of want, Eduardo. It’s about … about doing what’s best for the baby. I wasn’t very nice yesterday, to you, when I said that about caring for a baby and the company, but my point is still solid. I’m married to my work, and you’re willing to do anything for your job. So when exactly are we going to find the time to raise a child? And with me in the U.S. and you here in Spain …”

“So, be here.”

“Me? Move to Spain?”

“You’ve lived here before. You liked it.”

She’d more than liked it. She loved Spain. In so many ways it felt like her home. “Yes,” she said slowly, “but I have a job back in San Francisco, assuming they haven’t cleaned out my desk.”

“You’ve left plenty of jobs.”

“That’s not really the issue.”

“Then what is?”

The truth hovered on the edge of her lips, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to say it, not just yet.

“My father was very much committed to his business,” Eduardo said. “He was still a good father.”

“You were angry with him half the time.”

“I know. Because I was young and stupid and entitled. And if there’s one change I am thankful for in myself, it’s that my fall seems to have knocked some of the jackass out of me.”

She laughed. “Some, maybe. But you still have plenty.”

They reached the little cluster of trees and they walked beneath them. Hannah looked up at the green leaves, a spiderweb of sunlight breaching the foliage.

“Do you know how all-consuming a baby will be?” she asked, her stomach churning.

“I’m not sure that I do. But no parent really does until they have one of their own.”

It had been years since she’d thought of that long-ago baby as her son. She couldn’t. Couldn’t let herself have that connection to him. Because she knew better than most that it took more than blood to be a parent. For her son, his parents were the people who had raised him. Who had stayed up nights with him. She had simply carried him.

If only that were enough to abolish the connection she felt.

“I’m afraid,” she whispered, tears clogging her throat.

“Of course you are, Hannah. Childbirth is … an unknown experience. Pregnancy is certainly …”

“No.” She shook her head, trying to ignore the pain that was crawling through her veins. “I know all about being pregnant. About what it’s like to feel your baby move inside you for the first time … It’s … it’s a miracle, Eduardo.” She felt a tear slide down her cheek. “Labor is as awful as they say. But in the end there’s this perfect little … life. And it’s so worth it. All of it. The morning sickness, the stretch marks. The pain.”

“Hannah,” he said, his tone flat, cold.

“I was sixteen when I got pregnant,” she said. She’d never voiced the words out loud before. Had never confided in anyone. “And I knew there was no way I could take care of a baby.” Another tear fell and she didn’t wipe it away.

“I gave him up. Because it was the right thing to do. But … but I’m not sure I can go through it again. I don’t think I could give this one up, even if I should. And I’m afraid … I’m afraid that if I do keep this baby, I’ll really understand what I gave up then.”

H
ANNAH
felt emotion coming in thick, unendurable waves. She could drown in it, in the pain, the misery. The starkness of the truth. It was so very ugly, and yet, it was a part of her.

“Hannah that must have been …”

“There are days when I’m so glad that I did it. Because I was this poor, high school dropout with no future and what could I offer him? Nothing. Nothing but more of the same. More poverty. More … neglect maybe while I tried to work and earn enough money to keep us in whatever filthy apartment I could afford. Was I going to take him back to the single-wide I shared with my dad? Expose him to secondhand smoke and mice and bugs and everything else we had to contend with?” She looked down. “But some people make it. I just … I knew I wasn’t strong enough. I knew I didn’t know how.”

“What about the father?”

She shook her head, a faint feeling of embarrassment creeping over her, joining the misery. “I didn’t really know him. He was this senior guy I hooked up with at a party. He wasn’t my boyfriend. Obviously, I was very irresponsible. It wasn’t the first time I’d done something like that, classic acting-out behaviors. I’m kind of a shameful stereotype. No attention from Dad so … anyway, you get the idea. He went away to college. I called about the baby but he … he didn’t call back.”

“He didn’t call you back?”

“We were both young and stupid. He had college to look forward to. A way out of the hellhole we lived in and probably the last thing he wanted was to deal with having a kid back home. It doesn’t excuse him but … I’m not mad at him for it. I … did it by myself.”

“And after that, that was when you changed your name?”

She nodded, ready to tell now. “I needed to be someone different. I don’t know how else to explain it. I just … I couldn’t be … that girl anymore. The Johnsons, the adoptive parents, they paid for my prenatal care and my hospital bill, but they also had the agency send me a monetary gift. Something to help me start over. I felt like I had a choice in that moment. To go back to the place I’d always called home. Back to my old friends, who were still wasting any potential they might have had by partying it away. Back to a father who never seemed to notice what was happening with my life. Or I could try and take the fresh start. In that moment, everything seemed … new. For the first time, I felt like I could be anything. Do anything. I changed my name and figured out what I would have to do to get into college. Found the right people to help me forge the transcripts. And then I bought a plane ticket to Barcelona. And then I hit the ground running.”

“And you’ve been running ever since.”

She nodded. “I have been.” She looked out at the sea, the white-capped waves rolling into the shore. “But I can’t run from this.”

“Neither can I. It’s not in me. This is reality and we have to face it. But I’m certain we can make it work.”

“I’m afraid that … it’s going to bring it all back. I’ve spent so many years trying to let go. And it’s a process. Like I said, some days I’m thankful. I’m glad for the stable life I’m sure he’s had. Glad he’s been able to grow up in comfort. Glad I was able to … to make something better of myself. But …”

“Come here.” He sat down at the base of one of the trees and leaned against the smooth bark.

Hannah moved to where he was and sat. There was space between them; neither of them looked at each other. “Things are different now, Hannah. We can make this work. We’ll do it together.”

She put her hand on her stomach. “Can we?”

He put his hand over hers and a spark shot through her. “We will. We’ll do it, because you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. And I’m … not as much as I used to be but … But in some ways …”

“In some ways better,” she said. Thinking of the Eduardo he had been. The laughing, mocking man who had taken nothing seriously.

“Yes, that, too.”

She shivered. “I’m afraid of screwing a kid up. Like my parents did to me.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“But your parents love you. You know how it’s supposed to be.”

He nodded slowly. “Yes. My parents do love me. They, especially my father, were never overly demonstrative, but I always knew that he had my best interests at heart. He made sure we were all cared for. Provided for. He was the pillar of my family. Still, I plagued him. I married an American girl he didn’t approve of.”

“Not at first,” she said, remembering how things had been in the end. How Eduardo’s father had told her she had one of the finest minds he’d ever encountered. That she could achieve great things if she kept going. “But in the end … well, before I left you and made him hate me again … he treated me better than almost anyone else in my life. I’ll always be grateful to him for his confidence in me.”

“You know what you were missing growing up, Hannah, and I truly believe you’ll know what needs to be given to your child.”

She broke free of him, moving into a standing position.

One thing was certain, she wasn’t going to be able to think clearly while he was touching her.

“I hope you’re right.”

“Every parent starting out is afraid of whether or not they’ll be good enough. So I hear.”

“What if it affects your work?”

“It won’t. I’ll make sure that everything is taken care of. If things slip a bit, then they slip.”

“But it’s not what you want.”

“Of course not. It’s never been what I wanted. That’s why I went to such great lengths to bring you back.” A stark reminder that it had been her brains he wanted, not her body. Not that that was a bad thing. Really, it was flattering. Positive even. “I’m completely certain we can put the proper systems in place to ensure that nothing bad happens with the company.”

She was glad he was feeling certain about something. She was feeling … dull. Achy. On edge. Far too close to having her past and future collide. To losing the detachment she’d made with that long-ago self.

“I remember his face,” she said, not sure why she’d allowed the words to escape.

“Your child?”

She nodded. “He was a boy. They said that when he was born. And they lifted him up and I thought I could turn away quickly enough. That I wouldn’t have to see him. That I could pretend it hadn’t been real at all. But it was. He was.” She blinked hard, trying to keep from dissolving completely. “I’ll never forget his face.”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t.”

She shook her head. “I don’t want to anymore. But I did for a long time. I wished I could make it go away. Wished I didn’t … ache for him. Like something was missing from inside of me.”

“Is it like that? Still?”

She swallowed. “In some ways. But … I just … I have to let him go, don’t I? I’m not his mother. Not really. I don’t even know what they named him. I never held him or kissed him. I didn’t watch him take his first steps. Or see him go to school for the first time. I never put a bandage on his scraped knees or … or …” She couldn’t breathe. It took her a moment to realize it was because she was sobbing. Great gasps of air that came from deep inside of her and made her feel like she was breaking in two.

She sat down, on her knees in the sand, moisture seeping through the thick denim fabric of her pants. Her throat was burning, raw and painful, like she’d been screaming. But she hadn’t been. She’d never allowed herself to let go so much. This was the first time she’d truly cried in years, not just tears, but with every piece of herself. This was the first time she’d cried for her son.

The first time she’d let herself fully realize what she’d lost.

Dimly she was aware of Eduardo hovering near her. He knelt down beside her, not touching her, and she was glad. Because if he did she would melt into him completely.

Finally, the storm passed, almost as quickly as it had hit. She shifted so that she was sitting on her backside, knees drawn up to her chest.

“I never told him I loved him,” she said.

“He was a baby, Hannah,” Eduardo said, his voice rusty.

“I know but … I don’t even think I really let myself feel it.” She looked up at him. “I did, though. I do.”

“I know,” he said.

Eduardo felt like his heart was going to hammer out of his chest. Fear. It was pure fear that had him shaking and on edge. He didn’t know what to do with such raw emotion, didn’t feel like he had the strength to handle it. What Hannah had been through … it was beyond him. What she had lost … it was so much greater than anything he had lost.

And yet, she knew, and he did, too, that she’d had very little choice.

He moved closer to her, unsure if he should touch her, take her in his arms, or not.

“Hannah, look at all you’ve accomplished in your life. You made the right choice. For both of you. So you could both live better.”

“I know,” she said, her voice firm. “I do know. But … just because a choice is right doesn’t mean it won’t hurt like hell.”

“No, that is true.”

“It hurts so much to love like this,” she said softly. “To love a child. You’re never the same again.”

Another pang of fear hit him hard. “That’s okay.”

“You really think so?”

“I have to. No matter what, we’ve made a baby.” She winced. “Sorry, cheesy choice of wording perhaps, but no matter what … there will … most likely be a baby. And we either face giving him up or keeping him. I think … I think we should keep him.” The idea terrified him in many ways, but not more than feeling the sort of grief that came from Hannah in palpable waves.

Hannah wrapped her arms around herself like she was cold. “I … I think …”

“We’ll do this, Hannah. Together. I’ll be with you.”

Her pale blue eyes, looking brighter thanks to the red rims they’d acquired during her crying jag, locked with his. “I trust you.”

And he knew that that was probably the deepest compliment he had ever received. From Hannah or anyone.

He tried to block out the weight of it. The responsibility he might not be able to live up to. He winced against the pain in his head.

He would do it. He didn’t have a choice.

Eduardo lifted his head from the floor. How was it possible for the medicine cabinet to be so far away? After the beach,
his headache had steadily gotten worse until every fragment of light, every sound had become excruciating.

And he’d put off going for his medication. Put off acknowledging it because he didn’t want Hannah to know.

His vision blurred and another stab of pain went through his head, through his body. Nausea rolled through him and he laid his head back down against the hard tile. He prayed that somehow the cold would work like an ice pack. That it would provide some relief. Enough that he could stand up and get his pills at least.

A fresh wave of pain hit him and he groaned, curling up, trying to shield himself from further attacks. It was impossible. He knew it, but it didn’t stop him from trying.

If he could just stand up.

“Eduardo?”

Hannah’s voice cut through the door. Cut through his skull. He wanted to tell her to go away, but just imagining the pain that would cause brought the acidic taste of bile to the back of his throat.

“Eduardo?” She was closer now, her voice sharper.

He growled against the floor, planting his hand in front of him, trying to push himself up. He was rewarded with another knife through his skull, so strong it put black spots in his vision.

“Go away, Hannah,” he said. A rough sound escaped his lips as another shot of pain cracked through him. It hit him like a wall, the force of it enough to black out his sight entirely. He couldn’t see anything. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t have found his way to the medicine cabinet now even if standing were a possibility.

“Are you okay? You’re scaring me.”

He pressed his forehead back down on the tile. He took a deep breath, steeling himself for the agony he was about to put himself in. But she couldn’t see him. Not like this. On the floor, immobilized, sweating, shaking. Blind.

No. She couldn’t see this.

“Go away, Hannah!” he roared, the shock of his own voice lancing him with intense physical torment that started at his head and worked through the rest of him. His face, his cheeks, were wet. From sweat or from unforgivable weakness, he didn’t know.

“Eduardo, I am about to open the door. Sorry, but I am. You’re freaking me out now.”

She pushed the door open and he stretched his hand out, trying to stop it, but he was too weak to lift his arm. He was too weak in every way.

“Oh … are you … are you okay?” Hannah was down beside him, her voice too close, her hand on his face.

He shook his head, trying to find it in him to speak again. She was here. And he needed his pills. “Medicine cabinet,” he said.

He heard her stand, the noises she made while rummaging through the medicine cabinet drumming in his head. He heard the water running and Hannah was kneeling beside him again.

Hannah looked down at Eduardo, panic racing through her. He’d mentioned migraines and she hoped that was all this was. Though … there was nothing minor about it, even if the symptoms weren’t fatal.

She shifted so that she was sitting on her bottom behind Eduardo’s head. Then she gripped him beneath his arms and tugged him up so that his head was resting on her thigh. His face was damp, with sweat and tears and her heart burned for him. His eyes were unfocused, open and staring.

She hated that she was seeing it. Not for her, but for him. Because she knew that this was flaying his pride, killing a part of him that was so essential to him.

She picked up the cup of water she’d set on the floor and tried to angle his head. She opened her hand and he opened his mouth as she put the pills on his tongue. She put the water
glass to his lips and tilted it slowly. He swallowed the pills and his eyes fluttered closed, his head falling back to her lap.

She set the glass down and leaned back against the tub, her hands on his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart beneath her hands. Every so often his muscles would tense, his face contorting, and her heart would burn.

The tile started to feel really hard, and the tub wasn’t any better against her back, but she kept sitting there. Kept holding him.