A Four Letter Word (10 page)

Griffin is the first to shatter the silence. "So, I had an amazing time."

"Me, too," I quickly reply.

"I would love to take you out again?" he asks. As if I could or would say no.

"I'd love that, too."

"I'll call you, text you, email you, skywrite you, during the week," he chuckles.

"You better," I tease, stepping closer.

"I will. You can count on hearing from me several times this week."

"Goo—"

And before I can get the "d" out, Griffin's lips are fused with mine. I kiss him back with everything I have, silently telling him how much I enjoyed our
date. I part my lips and sweep my tongue out against his bottom lip. Griffin's lips part, and he welcomes my tongue into his mouth. Our tongues tease and mingle. The feeling is heaven. The kiss continues for what seems like an eternity before we both pull apart, panting.

"Stay," I utter.

Griffin's eyes smolder, holding me captive.

"Stay," I say a little louder.

Griffin smiles and kisses me once more. My hand grabs for the doorknob and easily turns it as I stumble inside.

****

The morning sunlight filters in through the blinds, enlightening bits of twirling dust in the air.

Waffles
.

I am in the mood for waffles. I leave the warmth of my bed, find way to the kitchen, and begin to gather the necessary ingredients as well as my waffle iron.

Mmmmm, waffles.

I turn on the radio, and the DJ announces it's the '80s hour. Madonna's
"Lucky Star"
begins to play. My hips begin to sway as I sing along with Madonna—slightly out of tune—but I sing just the same. I turn my attention to the task at hand—making waffles. I'm totally in my element. The combination of cooking and the music takes me away, and I am lost. Suddenly there's an electric charge in the air, and that's when I feel them—large, strong, yet gentle hands. They slide along my hips and over my stomach, sending cold—yet warm at the same time—chills throughout my body. I feel like I am sitting back at our table at the restaurant and the way he made me feel then. The sensation is overwhelming. The waffles abandoned, the music at one point shifted from Madonna to Prince's
"Kiss."

His fingertips dip into the waistband of my panties, and my body leans into him. He nuzzles my hair as his fingers dip further. My stomach churns in
anticipation, and an ache swirls around inside me until it settles between my legs. The song shifts again, and Michael Hutchens oozes from the radio, telling me he needs me tonight. His fingers are slick and then not one, but two plunge deep inside me. A quick gasp escapes me. I need and want so much more. My nerve endings are on high alert—feeling everything. His fingers begin to play me like no has before, setting an almost primal rhythm. The build-up intensifies, and I feel as though I'm standing on the edge off a cliff, waiting to dive off. I can't fucking wait. Closer and closer to the edge I step as his fingers work me over—his extremely skilled fingers. A few thrusts and curls, he grazes
that
spot, and I…jump…right…off, spiraling out of control as wave after wave of pure unadulterated ecstasy washes over me. I rest against him for support. My Jell-O-like legs can't seem to hold me at the moment.

"
Gri—" His name gets caught in my throat as my orgasm finishes ripping through me.

In a flash, I'm spun around, and instead of staring into blue eyes, lustful hazel eyes stare at me.

"Evan?" I question, completely and utterly confused.

A playful smile tugs at his lips.

"How? When?" I stammer.

I frantically search my memory, desperately trying to remember how Evan ended up here and not Griffin.

Griffin.

His name feels foreign to me.

"Ev—" His finger stops his name from coming out.

"It's always going to be me,
Zoey. Only me."

Evan leans in, his nose touching mine; his warm minty breath fans my face.

"Only me," he repeats, his lips grazing mine.

"Only you?"

"Only me." His lips mold to mine, igniting a blaze deep inside.

"Only you," I echo into his mouth, welcoming his tongue.

His strong arms warp around me, pulling me closer, tighter to him. Part of me feels this is right; this is how it should be, how it's meant to be. Evan and me. However, another part of me feels guilty. Guilty, because of the wonderful date I just had with Griffin.

Griffin.

His name still sounds completely foreign. It just feels wrong.

My hands explore Evan, winding their way up his back to his hair; just needing to be even closer. I want to remember how he feels just like this forever. I've wanted to touch him like this since I got to know him back in high school. I was meant to touch him this way, and no one else. Evan's lips leave mine and trail their way along my jaw, nipping along the way until they reach my ear.

"Only me." His warm breath tickles my ear, while his words—those two little words—send shivers throughout my body.

Our mouths find each other again and the kiss is heated, passionate, and filled with so much more.
So many emotions, too many to name. My head is reeling, my skin ablaze, and an ache swells inside me, desperate for attention. Evan's grip on my hips loosens and he starts to pull away. I reach out for him, my finger-tips briefly coming in contact with the muscular contours of his chest. He pulls further away. I grasp at nothing.

"Evan?" My voice is so small, yet it fills the silence in the room completely.

He has moved so far away it feels as though the Grand Canyon separates us. My favorite smile pulls at the corner of his mouth and calms me—momentarily.

"Only me."
His voice is firm and his eyes—my God, his eyes—tell me the same.

My heart leaps in my chest and thrashes against my bones. Warm, salty
tears fill my eyes, making Evan nothing but a blur. I reach for him, but my fingers feel nothing but air. I can't move; I'm rooted to the floor. And in that instant, I know what I've always known—Evan will always be out of my reach. My heart aches, and my hands clutch at my chest as my lungs cry out for air. I bolt up and find myself tangled in my sheets. My body is covered in a thin sheen of sweat, my breathing erratic.

It was just a dream, just a dream.

My chest heaves with each breath. I look to my left and it finally dawns on me that I am alone—Griffin never stayed. We said a long, very long good night at the door. Visions of the dream dance before me. I run the back of my hand across my forehead. "What the fuck?" In and out, in and out. Slowly, my breathing returns to normal.

What.
The. Fuck.

I'm a fairly intelligent woman, yet I can't understand why I had dreamt of Evan. Why I originally thought it was Griffin, but somewhere in my glutton for punishment mind, turned him into Evan. On instinct, my fingers touch my lips. Somehow they remember the kiss—a kiss that they have never and will never experience. A long puff of air escapes me.

"No use dwelling, Zoey. You had a wonderful, incredible time with an amazing man last night. Remember that kiss."

And I do. A genuine smile forms under my fingertips and my eyes close. Behind my lids, scenes from last night play like a movie. My smile widens. The images continue to flash when they stop on our kiss—me and Griffin. My skin heats up, and my core feels like it is on fire.

I detangle myself from the sheets. "I so need to call Ash, but a shower is needed first. Right."

Talking to myself? Yep, I'm totally insane. It's confirmed.

And as if on cue, there's a knock at my door. I knew Ashlee couldn't or wouldn't wait for a phone call. I quickly make my way to the door.

"Ash, I knew you wouldn't wait, and I'm so glad for once you are
impatient," I yell at the door.

I swing the door open, ready to pull Ashlee in, too tell her about my date and get her take on everything—dream included. But when the door fully opens, I am not met with Ashlee— it's Evan. I choke as if I swallowed an unwanted piece of gum. Evan just stands there waiting for my spaz-attack to end. I think he's trying not to laugh at
me, by the way he's piercing his lips together.

His lips.

Those lips.

Touching mine.

Touching only me.

Just when my fit started to subside, it starts up again, thanks to that little memory. Evan reaches for me, and I know as soon as he touches me it will only make things worse. So, I signal with my finger to give me minute.
Or a hundred. Or a month, a year.

Whatever.

Evan takes a step back to give me some much needed room. I'm bent over, my hands grasping my knees, my body convulsing. Several hundred deep breaths later, everything is under control. With nothing but concern in his eyes and his tone, Evan finally asks, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I answer.

He nods.

"What are you…
" I begin, but Evan interrupts me.

"I brought breakfast." He shrugs and holds up two Starbucks coffees and a bag.

I point to the bag. "Is that?" I ask, licking my lips as my stomach rumbles.

"Your favorite?"

I nod.

"Yeah," he answers his voice hopeful.

And just like that, the past few days seem miles away, as does the dream. That's not to say we don't have a lot to talk about—we do—my anger is not forgotten, the way he spoke to me is not forgotten. But, I feel as though my best friend is back, and I've missed him.

God, how I've missed him.

I quickly grab the bag out of his hands and walk toward the kitchen, leaving the door open for Evan to enter. All I hear is his laughter as I enter the kitchen and dig into the bag.

chapter 10

Inside the bag holds my favorite treat from Starbucks—blueberry scone with sugar crystals sprinkled on top. My stomach acknowledges the contents—again.

Evan knows my favorite. He knows all of my favorites. Hope fills me. One day, Griffin might know all my favorites, too. He already knows my favorite local restaurant. I already know it's his favorite too. I wonder what else. I can't wait to find out what else.

"
Zoey, you okay?" Evan asks, interrupting my thoughts of Griffin.

Griffin. The man Evan forbade me to date.

Forbade me.

Even though I am happy to have my best friend here, I can't keep back
the anger that is slowly surging through my body.

He forbade me.

Forbade me
.

From dating Griffin.

Griffin.

Butterflies instantly invade my stomach. My body tingles. My lips tingle. They remember. They remember what it felt like to have Griffin's warm, soft lips against them.
Feeling them. Tasting them. My fingers eagerly seek out my lips, as if they are Griffin's finding mine.

"Earth to
Zoey…" Evan's voice sounds a little annoyed.

"Sorry." I feign an apologetic tone.

"Must have been some date," he comments, sounding more annoyed.

"Evan," I warn him.

He puts his hand up defensively.

"Look,
Zoey, I didn't come here to fight with you. I hate that we…the other day…at…fuck! I've missed you so much, and I hate the fact that I hurt you. I didn't…it's just…I'm, I'm trying, Zoey, really trying to…to accept…I just don't want to see you get hurt. It breaks my heart when that happens. If…if I can prevent that from ever happening, I will do everything in my power to prevent it. Anything."

He takes a deep breath and then continues, "You're just a danger magnet for the wrong guys, and I just don't want…I care about you too much,
Zoey."

My heart beats faster.

"I just want you to be happy, and if you think this Griffin guy can make you happy, then…but if he hurts you, in any way, I'll…" I notice Evan balls his fists and the knuckles turn white.

Through a tight jaw, Evan finishes. "I'll kill him. I swear,
Zoey, if he hurts…just know that I will be there for you, I am here for you—always. Nothing will ever change that. I…I…I'm so sorry, Zoey, so sorry."

He finishes and his head drops to his chest, but not before I see it in his
eyes.

The pain.

The hurt.

The sorrow.

The emotion of his words warms my heart. I know he is sincere. The anger that was coursing through my veins only moments ago becomes diluted and simply fades away. I reach across the space between us, ignoring my vocal stomach, abandoning the scones; it seems so vast. And before I can grasp his arm, Evan wraps his around me and pulls me against his chest. Relief swirls around us. Relief that the fight is behind us, relief that our friendship is still intact. Relief that I understand him. But now, he needs to understand me. I want to tell him so much, but at the moment, being in his arms, I feel… I feel like everything is how it should be.

Those two little words from my dream—"Only me"—come to the forefront of my mind.

As much as that girl inside me who had a crush on Evan all those years ago, even though those feelings morphed into something more, the woman I am now knows and understands that this is just friendship—a deep, life-altering friendship—but still only a friendship.

Nothing more.

Griffin might be more.

Griffin could be my more.

Will Griffin be my more?

Only time will tell, and right now is the time to make my best friend understand. I give him one last squeeze before I pull away from the comfort of his arms. Reluctantly, Evan lets me go. I guess he was just as comfortable as I was in our little moment.
Maybe not as much. I clear my throat. "You hurt me," I honestly tell him, my eyes staring into his.

"I know," he admits, his gaze turning towards his forgotten coffee on the counter.

"Evan?" I need him to look at me; I need him to not only hear, but see as well.

His vivid, hazel eyes slowly turn upwards, their attention on my tear-filled blue ones.

"I don't think you do," I begin, knowing I need to tell him exactly what I felt that day, what a part of me is currently still feeling.

His teeth work his bottom lip as he nods his head. I take a deep breath and continue. "It's not just what you said, Evan, but how you said it. You made me feel…made me feel like
an …"

"
Zoey, I am so sorry…" his voice chokes on the emotionality of his words.

"I know. Don't do it again."

He nods. And when I meet his gaze, his eyes are glistening. I need to fix this. Fix him. Fix us. I reach across the counter in search of his hand and easily find it. His fingers intertwine with mine; his grasp tightens around my fingers. It is as if he's afraid I'll run away or something— like I might disappear or stop being his best friend. How could he think that? I can't let him think that.

"Evan, you mean the world to me. You will always be my best friend, no matter who comes into my life, no matter who I date, or fall in lo—"

His grip loosens; some emotion I can't name mars his features. His eyes reflect that unknown emotion. I change my train of thought. "I'm always going to need my best friend, but I need my best friend to let me go just a little. I'm not that same girl he met all those years ago. There's a possibility that this, whatever it is, with Griffin won't work and I may get hurt. But there's a chance it could go somewhere and be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I need to find that out. And even though you don't necessarily like him or agree with my choice, at least give me the chance to find out. I hope you'll be there—no, I expect you to be there either way. Okay, I'm done." I let out a rush of air and hope he understands everything I've said. I hope he accepts it. He needs to, no matter what. Evan seems to be concentrating on each word I've just said. He looks lost in his head.

"Evan?"

His silence is starting to get to me. Finally he looks at me. "Zoey, I care about you so much. I just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy, and if you think this Griffin guy—well then, I'll give him a chance. But like I said before…" he pauses and his voice comes out like a growl when he continues "…if he does hurt you, I will
hurt
him. That's a promise."

All I can do is nod at the intensity of what he's said. He gives my hand another squeeze before letting go. I give my fingers a little wiggle, still feeling as if he's holding on.

"So…" he claps his hands, his voice lighter "…are you gonna share one of those with me, or what?" He waggles his eyebrows, questioning.

"Oh, you want one of these?" I tease, pulling a scone out of the bag and dangling it in front of him.

And just like that, things are back to normal. Evan swipes the scone and takes a huge-ass bite, crumbs falling down the front of his shirt. He smiles and it makes me feel so much better than when he first got here. I can’t help but laugh.

He swallows and takes a sip of his coffee. "So, if you're not doing anything today, do you
wanna hang with me and go to the movies?" Evan asks, his voice hopeful.

"I'd love to," I easily reply, digging into my scone.

It feels like I have my best friend back. All seems right in my little world.

****

Work is getting hectic. It always happens around the holidays. Even though the economy is pretty much in the toilet, people are still shopping for presents. Books and gift certificates seem to be on everyone's list this year. So, I've been at the shop more often than usual. Usually, Albert has things covered, but like I said, things have been busier than usual. While Albert has things covered up front, I'm in the back checking into some leads I have in finding a customer a rare, signed first edition of
The Velveteen Rabbit
for his wife. It was her favorite childhood book her mother used to read to her. It means everything if I can get it for him because her mother recently passed away. It hasn't been easy. My usual go-to people aren't so go-to at the moment. And since I'm on a time crunch—he needs it for Christmas, of course—I am feeling overwhelmed and beyond frustrated to say the least. To make matters worse, my new computer isn't cooperating as promised by the computer guy at Best Buy. Stupid Best Buy. Stupid computer guy. Stupid computer.

"
Ughhhhhh!" I let out, smashing my fists against the keyboard.

"Stupid computer!"
I chastise, flicking the screen.

"
Owww, motherfuc-" I suck my finger into my mouth, desperately seeking any relief.

"Remind me to never make you angry," a familiar and welcomed voice grabs my attention.

I spin around in my chair. I feel dizzy, and I can't be sure if it's because I spun around too quickly, or because of the gorgeous sight standing in the doorway. Griffin. He's wearing a suit—a very tailored, charcoal gray suit. A crisp, white shirt underneath makes the ice-blue tie he wears stand out—way out. And his eyes, ohmygod, his eyes are so fucking blue because of that tie. They are hypnotizing, and I find myself being pulled by them, by him.

"
Zoey?" he asks, staring at me like I've lost my mind.

When he looks like this, I have lost my mind—completely.

"Sorry," I reply, finding the ability to speak, which is hard considering the way he looks at the moment has completely turned my insides to goo and my brain to mush.

He chuckles. It's music to my ears. I am really falling. Free
falling, and I don't want to reach the ground.

"What are you doing here?" I somehow find more words.

"Well, I had to run some errands for my boss and it brought me by your bookstore, so I thought I would stop by and see you. Honestly, I would have found a way to see you whether or not I was in the area. I just really wanted to see you. I've said too much again, haven't I?" He looks so unsure of himself, as he makes his way into my office and closer to me.

I like him closer to me. I need him closer. I wonder…. And as if he has the ability to read my mind, Griffin crosses the small space between us and pulls me into his arms. The warmth radiating off him sends shivers throughout my entire body. He leans in, hesitating. I nod, and then like a dream come true, his sweet, soft lips touch mine. It feels amazing. The kiss is soft and tender and unhurried. Our lips move in unison, until I part mine and our tongues find each other, welcome each other, and dance and tease and please each other. I don't want the kiss to end. Never end. But since oxygen is a necessity, it ends. I pout.
Griffin chuckles. I smile. He smiles.

"That was…" he begins.

"I know," I add.

He gives me one more sweet, little peck and releases me from his arms. My body feels cold. It misses his warmth. It misses him. Yep, I'm falling.
Fast.
Hard.
I hope he is too. He must feel it. He has to feel it.

"I'm glad you decided to stop by. I was
kinda missing you," I honestly tell him.

I decided in this relationship, or whatever it is, I am going to be honest—as honest as I can. I don't want to hide how I feel. I've done that before, and it got me nowhere.

"You were missing me?" he teases.

"Yep, totally missing you," I play.

"Well, to be honest, again, I missed you too. Missed you something crazy," Griffin admits, his eyes twinkling with playfulness.

"Really?"

"Really. That's okay, right?" he questions.

"It's more than okay."

Honesty…definitely the best policy. His lips brush against mine. I tingle. Everywhere. He pulls away. My body protests—it so doesn't like it.

"Am I interrupting something important?" he questions, looking past me and to my computer.

I look over my shoulder at the bane of existence at the moment. "Nope, not interrupting. And even if you were interrupting, it would be a welcomed interruption." I wiggle my eyebrows for emphasis. Things are so easy and comfortable with him. It feels like it does with…

Evan.

"Really?"

"Really.
That's okay, right?" I throw his words from earlier back at him.

"It's more than okay." His words echo mine from earlier as well.

"So, you're kinda busy, huh? No time for lunch?" he inquires.

"Well, I always have time to eat, but I actually have lunch plans already." Disappointment laces my tone and probably my face.

"Oh, with who?"

"Ashlee, Geoffrey, and Patrick.
I'd invite you, but it's kinda a girl's lunch. Unless…"