A Fallen Heart (12 page)

Ford took a deep breath in before replying. “Very. I didn’t recognize it in the beginning. He would whisk me away for a weekend vacation or take me to intimate little restaurants. I thought it was romantic, but eventually I realized he was hiding me. The places we went together were places where we wouldn’t run into anyone we knew. And even once I understood that, I was okay with it. It was actually kind of exciting. We both worked at Saint Joe’s, so I’d run into him from time to time, and it was like we were playing this sexy game. Only it wasn’t.”

“Sexy?”

“A game. He was paranoid about anyone finding out about us, and as the relationship went on, it got worse and worse. Initially, it was mostly that he wouldn’t let me call him Peter at work, and he wouldn’t be seen talking to me, but the longer we were together, the more sensitive he was about it.”

“Sensitive how?” Nash asked.

“If he saw me in the hallway, he’d turn and walk the other direction, or if he knew I was going to be at a work function, he would be sure to show up with a beautiful woman on his arm. In the end, I began to wonder if he was doing it to keep his cover or to deliberately hurt me. I’m still not sure which. He was paranoid about being discovered, and God forbid someone find out he was sleeping with a
male nurse
.” Ford’s tone was absolutely dripping with bitterness.

“He had a problem with you being a nurse too?”

“Yep. I think he had more trouble admitting he wanted a nurse than he did admitting he wanted a guy.”

“What a fucking prick.”

“By the time I realized that, I was already in too deep. I thought I loved him. I jumped through a million hoops to be with him, changing my schedule around his, abiding by his rules.”

“He had rules?” Nash was getting angrier by the moment, but he tried not to let Ford hear it in his voice.

“Too many to count. I wasn’t allowed to park in his driveway, only in the lane behind his house, and I had to come in through the back gate so no one would see me. Even then I was to arrive after dark and leave before the morning.”

“Jesus. Don’t take this the wrong way, but why the hell were you with him?”

“Because it wasn’t like that in the beginning. I was happy. I liked being in a stable, adult relationship. Until Peter, it had been a lot of random hookups and casual sex. This was different. He was older than me. He had his shit together. I thought he loved me. Things began to change by degrees, and I was in so far over my head that I didn’t notice until all at once I did.”

“The sex must have been phenomenal for you to put up with all that bullshit.” Nash felt ill thinking about it.

Ford didn’t say anything.

“No?”

“It was… cold, I guess. I don’t know how to describe it. When we first got together, I chalked it up to the awkwardness of a new relationship. You’re learning what the other person likes and doesn’t like. I thought once we had been together a while, things would improve, but he never really touched me more than he absolutely needed to. There was no affection or passion. I was only ever there for as long as it took for him to get off.”

“Him to get off? Didn’t you?”

“If I could come before he did, then yeah, but he mostly lost interest in sex after he orgasmed. A few times he offered to watch me jerk off, but it felt weird doing that in front of him once the sex haze had melted away.” Ford paused, as though suddenly realizing the extent of what he’d divulged. “I should shut the fuck up.”

“Jesus Christ,” Nash said again, not believing Ford had stayed with someone who treated him like that.

Ford shrugged, looking small and fragile for a moment, an emotion passing across his face that Nash couldn’t recognize.

“As I said, it wasn’t like that at first. I liked the way he made me feel, as though I was interesting and worthwhile. The things he used to say to me were romantic and made me feel like I was important. He was smart and sexy and talented. He saves lives for a living.”

“So do you,” Nash pointed out.

“Yeah, but his whole world kind of swept me up. It’s not my proudest moment, admitting that. He’s older and more sophisticated. His couch cost more than a hundred bucks.”

So did Nash’s, but he clamped his mouth shut and let Ford continue.

“I don’t know. There was something alluring about him that I found irresistible, and then when he seemed to want me, it made me feel special. I kept falling deeper and deeper into whatever it was we had, and I got completely lost in it. I hated who I was with him, and it took me so long to figure out that I was absolutely miserable.”

Ford paused, taking a deep breath before going on, as though his resolve needed fortification before he could continue.

“Every time I tried to leave, he’d ply me with pretty words and make me believe that it was my fault things were as bad as they were. And the worst part was that I believed him. I was blinded by the whole façade, and it took me far longer than it should have to realize how much he was manipulating me.”

Ford’s voice wavered, and Nash wasn’t sure if it was anger or resentment. Likely, it was both, and Nash’s heart echoed the same.

“I turned into this broken shell of a person who lived for any scrap of approval or praise he threw my way. I wasn’t even me anymore. It was pathetic. I thought I was finally all grown up and having a real adult relationship, but fuck, I don’t even know what an adult relationship looks like. Sex was the only real connection we had, and it was so… I don’t even know. I craved something, anything from him, and he either didn’t understand what I needed or just refused to give it to me. I’m still not sure which. He made me desperate for affection.”

Nash watched, his heart stuttering as Ford raked his fingers through his hair.

“I hated that he made me feel so fucking broken.”

Nash’s fury and frustration was barely contained as he stood and stalked across the living room to where Ford sat on the couch. He wasn’t thinking. In fact, all rational thought was replaced with anger and want, and a nuclear blast wouldn’t have deterred him.

“WHAT ARE
you doing?” Ford asked, his eyes going wide. He could hear the tremble in his own voice.

Ford didn’t have time to react before Nash’s hands were on him, yanking him forcefully to his feet before sliding his fingers into Ford’s hair and holding him still, his head pressed tightly against Nash’s chest.

Ford’s heart felt like it was going to pound right out of his rib cage, but the hold Nash had on him felt so good he just wanted to sink into him. They stayed there like that for a long time, Nash keeping him gathered in close, and the longer they stood there, the harder it became for Ford to deny how much he wanted Nash.

It was stupid and impulsive, and he would probably regret it very much later, but Ford stepped back, putting just enough space between them so he could look up at Nash and slip his hands around the back of Nash’s neck.

Nash’s eyes were wide, the anger etched in his brow softening as Ford tugged him down until their lips met, igniting both of them in a torrent of heat. Nash kissed him, his mouth warm and demanding, and in an instant, Ford was a puddle of lust, pliant and needy in his arms.

Nash kissed him thoroughly, more completely than he’d ever been kissed, the whole world spinning sideways around him… or maybe it was his head that was spinning. In any case, he’d do anything to keep it from stopping.

Ford whimpered, or he thought he did, the sound covered by a growl from Nash, his fingers tightening in Ford’s hair as he broke the kiss to drag his mouth along Ford’s throat. His breath was hot, and there was nothing tentative or distracted in the way he sucked at the pulse point, his hands letting go only long enough to move downward, tugging Ford’s shirt up enough to get at the skin underneath.

Nash’s strong hands groped at Ford’s back, and Ford could feel how hard Nash was—they both were—their cocks grinding together. Desperation took over, and any reservations Ford had ever held about getting involved with Nash fled in an instant, the space they’d taken up in his brain replaced with pure and absolute desire.

“He’s a fucking idiot,” Nash said, his words low and gravelly, spoken against Ford’s skin in a way that he felt them more than he heard them. “If you’d let me, I woulda had my hands on you from that first night we met.”

Ford was drowning in him… in his words, in the way the scrape of his fingers lit up every nerve in his body, in the way he couldn’t seem to get close enough.

“If you don’t want this, you’d better speak up now,” Nash growled, “because six seconds from now all bets are off, and thirty-two seconds from now, I’m going to have your cock buried in the back of my throat.”

Ford couldn’t have spoken if he’d had a gun to his head. Hell, he was barely still vertical. The strength of Nash’s hands on him was the only thing that kept him from falling when his knees went wobbly, the thought of Nash sucking him off almost more than he could handle.

Nash stared at him, his eyes on fire, imploring him to speak, but he couldn’t. Instead he slid his hands over the tops of Nash’s shoulders and applied gentle pressure. The wicked grin that lit Nash’s face told Ford words weren’t necessary after all.

The world fell away, and everything slowed. Ford held his breath, and his heart stopped as Nash dropped to one knee in front of him. Ford felt Nash’s hands sliding along the outside of his thighs, his skin hypersensitive, even through the thick fabric of his jeans.

Without warning, Nash leaned forward, tucking his shoulder into Ford’s belly and lifting, throwing Ford over his shoulder into a fireman’s carry. He moved down the hall into his bedroom and lowered Ford onto the bed before standing up to look down at him.

Even in the dim light of his bedroom, Ford could make out the line of Nash’s cock, hard and straining against the inside of his jeans. His chest rose and fell as though he’d carried Ford a mile instead of a few feet.

The way Nash looked at him, like he was going to devour him, made Ford shiver. It felt so good to know how badly he was wanted, and all he could think about was how desperate he was for Nash to touch him again.

“It’s been at least thirty-two seconds,” Ford said, surprised at how overwrought he sounded.

Nash laughed as he stepped forward, and then his hands were back, pushing Ford’s shirt up to expose the skin of his belly. Ford sat up, pulling his shirt the rest of the way off and tossing it onto the floor somewhere. He no longer cared if it took thirty-two seconds or thirty-two years, as long as Nash didn’t stop touching him.

Ford lay back down, arching into the warmth of Nash’s palms running along his sides before Nash slid the button through the hole on Ford’s jeans. Every movement was in slow motion, building up the anticipation for what was about to come. Ford was mindless with need, his fingers gripping the duvet to stop himself rushing things along.

It was torturous, how slow everything moved, but Ford wanted to savor it. He had given himself permission to have this one night, and he was going to enjoy every second.

Nash hooked his fingers over the waistband of Ford’s pants, tugging and sliding them off along with his briefs. He stripped as Ford watched, pulling his clothing off piece by piece, and with each article that hit the floor, Ford’s heart rate bumped up a notch.

Nash knelt in front of him, Ford’s legs hanging off the bed, feet planted on the floor, and he settled between them, his thumbs tracing circles over Ford’s hips. Ford closed his eyes, feeling the heat of Nash’s breath on him. He felt Nash’s fingertips tracing the length of him, barely there, before he lifted him and heat surrounded him.

It was unexpected and mind shattering. Given the span of time Nash had taken teasing Ford, drawing out the anticipation, making him wait, he’d expected a tentative exploration, but what he got was all-encompassing pleasure as he felt the head of his cock slide along the back of Nash’s throat.

Sounds erupted from Ford, unbidden and uncensored, as the sensations pierced through him. Heat and wetness and suction around his cock, Nash’s palms cupping his balls and his fingers massaging the sensitive flesh behind them.

Ford’s head fell to the side. He was overwhelmed, not knowing which of the sensations to focus on. It was altogether too much, and Ford needed more. All too soon Nash pulled off and moved lower. Ford caught the whimper in his throat when Nash slid his hands beneath Ford’s knees, pushing his legs back and opening him up.

Warm breath washed over Ford seconds before Nash’s tongue was there, slick and hot and sliding over him, lighting up every sensory receptor he had. Ford writhed beneath him, trying to get closer, desperate for Nash to give him more. He was going out of his mind.

“Nash… please…. Fuck me,” Ford begged.

Nash rose, leaving him feeling bereft as he knelt on the bed next to Ford, reaching for the nightstand. His thick cock was inches away from Ford, and he leaned forward, swallowing Nash down as far as he could take him. Nash moaned, and his hips jerked. When Ford looked up at him, he could see Nash’s head had dropped forward, his eyes closed, and a feeling of intense pride rumbled through him.

Nash panted, and Ford sucked harder, swirling his tongue around the flared head. He heard the snick of the bottle top and then felt Nash’s fingers, slightly chilled from the lube, massaging gently at Ford’s entrance.

Ford moaned loudly around Nash’s shaft and rocked his hips. With a grunt, Nash fell forward over him, sliding right into the back of Ford’s throat at the same time he slid his finger all the way inside.

In and out Nash pushed, with one finger, then two, curling them up to hit Ford’s prostate as he fucked him. Nash panted above him, his eyes squeezed shut.

“Fuck. Gonna come if you don’t stop,” Nash grunted, pulling out of Ford’s mouth, replacing his cock with his tongue as he kissed Ford with abandon. Ford poured all his desperation into that kiss, showing Nash how much he wanted him and how good he was making him feel.

Gone was the languid, thorough exploration from moments ago. Nash moved, coming to rest between Ford’s legs, then leaning forward, covering Ford’s body completely with his own. He was warm and strong, and Ford felt safe, at the same time feeling dizzy with lust. Nash kissed him, both his hands and his mouth rough and demanding.