A Death in the Wedding Party (14 page)

I walked straight into the room. The Earl hesitated for a moment and then rose as he should to acknowledge my presence. ‘Good Evening,’ I said addressing the room. ‘I have just been informed the police have arrived and I thought as one of the few who has witnessed the original scene my testimony might be helpful.’
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‘And you are?’ said the policeman unfolding himself from his chair to the extent his head almost touched the low ceiling of this old room.

I looked at the Earl. He coughed uncomfortably, but introduced me. The policeman bowed slightly. ‘My wife will be amazed,’ he said with a slow smile. I could see the Earl give a little grimace of distaste, but as I looked into the policeman’s large brown eyes I had the fancy I saw shrewd intelligence there. ‘Might I offer you my seat, ma’am?’ he said.

‘Thank you, no,’ I said. ‘It looks most uncomfortable.’

‘A lady of great insight,’ replied the Policeman.

‘We are almost finished,’ said Ratty, attempting to head me off at the pass. ‘We do not need to remind you of the sorry affairs this morning nor soil your ears with the details.’

‘My ears are made of strong stuff, as is the rest of me,’ I said. ‘Perhaps, Threep, you could move the other chair from the corner for me to sit on?’

Threep glanced at the Earl, who remained standing and was doing his best craggy expression, and myself tall and cool. As a doctor he doubtless understood that in nature the female is more deadly than the male, or maybe it was simply my supposed superior standing, but I got my chair and everyone was seated once more.

‘Now Inspector is it? What point had you reached?’

‘Chief Inspector Brownly, Ma’am. The Earl here informing me that the deceased, Lady Stapleford, was of a delicate constitution and found the consuming of oysters difficult to digest, but was sadly too polite to say so.’

‘Then how does he know?’ I challenged.

The inspector threw me a surprised, but grateful look.

‘Her distant cousin, Renard Layfette, was able to give me the details,’ said the Earl. His face and neck were absolutely rigid and his speech the most clipped I had ever heard. Here was a man unused to being challenged.

‘But Renard was at the dining table. Surely, he would have noticed and said something? He was seated next to me and we had a clear view of Lady Stapleford.’

‘Apparently,’ said the Earl, ‘he was too beguiled by his dinner companion to notice.’ He turned to the chief inspector. ‘Of course he regrets this bitterly, but is happy to give a written statement to you, Chief Inspector.’

‘Renard Layfette has been out of the country for many years,’ I said. ‘This is his first return to England.’

‘I believe,’ said the Earl with a look so angry I was surprised his eyebrows didn’t burst into flames, that it is an indisposition that stems from childhood.’

I gave a light laugh. ‘I know Lady Stapleford was part French, but nevertheless it seems unlikely that any decent nursery nurse would give their young charges oysters.’

‘Nevertheless,’ began the Earl.

‘Beside, surely the person to check this allergy with is her son, Bertram.’

‘He is too upset,’ said the Earl through gritted teeth.

‘To speak to the police about the murder of his mother?’ I asked.

‘Murder?’ said Brownly. ‘No one has suggested anything of the sort, Ma’am. I assure you.’

‘But it is what I am suggesting, Chief Inspector. When Rory McLeod, the butler from Stapleford Hall, opened the door to Lady Stapleford’s bedchamber in the presence of Mrs Merion, the housekeeper and myself, Lady Stapleford’s body was contorted in pain and the room was in considerable disarray.’

‘All pointing to death by reaction to food, eh doctor?’ said the Earl.

‘Um,’ said Threep.

‘Then explain the empty cup on the floor? The saucer was broken, but the cup in which was presented the bedtime drink was drunk dry. A woman already in the throes of distress from a food allergy would not be likely to drain such a drink, would she, doctor?’

‘It depends,’ said Threep, edging back towards the window with a hunted expression on his face.

‘Could it not also be that her demeanour and the amount of vomit present in the room could also be indicative of arsenic poisoning?’ I turned to the inspector. ‘I once had a cat that ate some poison which had been left out for the rats.’

‘Lady Stapleford was not a cat!’ said the Earl. ‘This is nonsense.’

‘No, she was a human being and thus a mammal. One might expect similar symptoms.’

‘If there is any doubt,’ said Brownly, ‘I will have to ask for an autopsy.’

‘We do not cut up our dead,’ said the Earl springing to his feet. ‘Let me make that quite clear.’

‘She isn’t actually a member of your family,’ I said. ‘As far as I am aware she is only related to you in the sense that most of the noble households of England and France are distantly related. Very distantly.’

‘I think I should speak to her son after all, your grace,’ said Brownly. The Earl opened his mouth to speak. The police inspector also rose. ‘I am afraid I must insist.’

The Earl sank back down into his chair. ‘Ring the bell, Threep, and summon Robbins. It seems we have to disturb the grieving son.’

Robbins came in with an apologetic look on his rather akin to an ancient Labrador that been digging up the prize flowerbeds. ‘I believe Mr Bertram Stapleford is in the pantry,’ he said grimly. ‘Sitting with his mother.’

‘Coldest place in the house,’ said Threep to Brownly.

‘It can’t be helped,’ said the Earl. ‘The chief inspector wishes to speak to him. I think the word he used was ‘insisted’.’

‘Certainly, Your Grace.’

An uneasy silence settled in the room. Brownly turned his hat over and over in hands. The Earl harrumphed into his moustache and Threep tried unsuccessfully to perch on the windowsill. It was small and hard and he had to, as it were, keep turning the other cheek.

The door flew open and Bertram stormed in. His hair was wildly out of place, his eyes red and his face a sick greyish pallor. It looked as if he had slept in his suit and perhaps he had.

‘You are the police?’ he said addressing Brownly.

‘Chief Inspector Brow–’

Bertram cut him off. ‘Then I want to know what the devil you think you’re about!’

The Earl stood. ‘My dear chap, I am so sorry. Threep, get Mr Stapleford a seat.’

The doctor looked around the small room helplessly.

‘I don’t need a seat,’ snapped Bertram. ‘I want to know what’s going on.’

The Earl put out his hands in a placating manner. ‘Just a small misunderstanding,’ he said. ‘The chief inspector and I were about to agree this was an unfortunate reaction to the oysters when her Highness here came in and claimed it was murder.’

‘What?’ said Bertram, his head whipping round to face me, an intense expression in his brown eyes.

‘I know, dear fellow. I know,’ said the Earl. He lowered his voice, so he could pretend I wouldn’t hear though we both knew I would, ‘Young women can be prone to these fantasies.’

Bertram’s eyes met my squarely. ‘Fantasies,’ he cried. ‘Of course my mother was bloody murdered! Euphemia was right!’

‘And who is this Euphemia?’ asked Brownly.

‘I have no idea,’ said the Earl. Slowly, everyone’s gaze turned towards me.

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The observant Reader will notice I did not introduce myself. A lady never introduces herself and it would never occur to a member of royalty that someone did not know who they were. I may appear unspeakably rude, but I am only playing my part.

Of Cats, Rats and Dowagers

‘A maid,’ I said. ‘A maid from Stapleford Hall.’

‘Ring the bell, Threep, and we’ll get Robbins to get this well-informed maid in here.’

Bertram rolled his eyes at me helplessly.

‘You’ll have to get him to ask for Merry,’ I said, thinking on my feet, ‘She’s called that for short.’

‘I should think so,’ said the Earl. ‘No decent household would hire a maid called Euphemia. Most unsuitable.’

All too quickly Merry was brought into the room. As usual she seemed to shrink when surrounded by the people from upstairs. She bobbed a curtsey to the Earl, but edged subtly my way. I guessed she wanted moral support I wanted to be able to whisper to her.

‘I understand you found Lady Stapleford,’ said the Earl not even bothering with her name.

‘Yes, your Grace,’ said Merry in restrained voice.

‘And you were the one who first cried murder? That is correct, isn’t it Euphemia?’

Merry whirled to face me. Her eyes were wide as saucers. ‘Don’t be concerned, Euphemia,’ I said. ‘The Earl only wants to know the truth.’

‘The truth!’ said Merry looking for all the world as if someone had smacked her in the head with a kipper.

‘Why you thought her Ladyship had been murdered,’ said Bertram.

Merry’s eyes went even wider until I was sure they were in danger of popping out. Then she took a deep breath, shot me a look of pure malice and turned back to face the Earl. ‘That would be the rats, sir.’

‘Rats?’ said Brownly.

Merry, who had managed not to notice the overly large policeman crouched in the chair, rocked backwards. He gave her a friendly smile. The edges of Merry’s mouth lifted slightly. ‘Yes rats. I were brought up on my uncle’s farm, seeing as there were too many of us for Ma to keep in London, and he were always putting it down for the rats. Arsenic. Affects creatures very cruelly I think.’ Her voice became a little stronger at the end. Merry was at her most forthright when expressing her opinions.

‘Rats! Cats!’ spluttered the Earl. ‘Surely young woman you are not comparing Lady Stapleford to a rat?’

I could almost see the hackles on Merry’s back rising, so I interrupted before she could utter some of her more liberal views. ‘Isn’t this for the doctor to judge?’

‘Well, Dr Threep, could the symptoms both these young ladies have been describing be caused by arsenic poisoning?’ asked Chief Inspector Brownly.

The doctor stuck a finger under his collar and pulled. His glasses made another bid to escape and he only just caught them in time.

‘Well, Doctor,’ said the Earl.

‘Yes, Doctor, what is your opinion?’ asked Bertram.

‘Er,’ said Threep, ‘I couldn’t be sure unless I did an autopsy and Lord Stapleford has assured me that will not be happening.’

‘That’s my decision not his,’ said the chief inspector, rising to his full height. ‘Now give us your answer.’

The unfortunate doctor slumped against the window. ‘It’s possible,’ he said.

‘Threep,’ snapped the Earl.

‘I simply can’t tell,’ said the doctor, ‘without an autopsy.’

The chief inspector turned his attention to Bertram. ‘You, sir, also seem to believe it was murder. Do you have any suggestions as to who might have been your mother’s assailant or even why she might have attracted the attentions of a poisoner?’

‘I have no idea how the mind of a poisoner might work,’ snapped Bertram. ‘If you’re asking me did my mother have any enemies present in this house I am aware she and her cousin Renard Layfette have a long running feud since before my birth.’

‘This would be the same Layfette as you was offering to sign a document that Lady Stapleford was allergic to oysters, Your Grace?’ asked Brownly.

‘Rubbish!’ cried Bertram. ‘My mother is part French. She has eaten oysters all her life!’

Chief Inspector Brownly took a step towards the Earl’s desk. ‘It seems to me that this matter is not as clear-cut as was first assumed. I shall send a police ambulance to take Lady Stapleford’s body away and request the coroner to issue an order for an autopsy. Can I ask that no one leaves the Court, neither family nor staff, nor the guests. As it is quite late tonight I shall return tomorrow with my sergeant and we will began conducting interviews so this event can be cleared up as quickly as possible.’

‘I shall telephone the Chief Constable!’ declared the Earl.

‘Please do so, your Grace,’ said Brownly. ‘I shall be speaking to him myself.’ He put his hat back on his head, nodded to the assembled company and asked Robbins if he would be so kind as to show him the way to the exit. Robbins complied if for no other reason than to get away from the Earl whose face was turning puce with rage.

As soon as they had departed the Earl shouted at Merry, ‘Get back to your work, girl. I will be speaking to your master.’ Merry picked up her skirts and fled. ‘And as for you Threep, call yourself a doctor? You’re a quack. A tuppenny-ha’penny saw bones. I’ll see you never work in this area again. You idiot of a man. You scraggy good for nothing … These people are going to hanging around my house for days now and we’ve still got that damn blasted wedding.’

Bertram coughed loudly. ‘I am sorry my mother’s death has put you to so much inconvenience, Your Grace,’ he said in an icy voice. ‘Rest assured I want my mother away from the Court and safely home in our chapel as soon as possible. However, I will not stand by and let her murderer go free in order to allow your celebrations to go unhindered. With reflection I am sure you will appreciate my point of view!’ And so saying he turned his back to the Earl and offered me his arm. I was more than happy to make my escape by his side.

For Whom the Bell Didn’t Toll

Bertram kept up a smart pace until we gained the terrace. Tactfully I steered him along the west walk. The clouds above us burned with a rosy glow from the dying light of the sun and the scent of lilacs was indeed heady in the air. The grassy terrace rolled away to our west and in the distance we could hear the sweet sound of the fountain. In other circumstances it would have been a most wonderful and possibly romantic evening, but beside me I could feel Bertram trembling with rage.

‘I am so sorry,’ I said.

Bertram stopped and turned to face me. ‘I owe you an apology, Euphemia. I should never have questioned your judgment.’

‘You were in shock. And quite naturally so.’

Bertram made his way to a seat under a weeping willow and handed me into a seat. I could hardly see the house and I realised he had done this deliberately. My heart, usually a reliable organ, began to run somewhat faster.