A Calculating Heart (32 page)

Rachel and Anthony had arranged to see each other after work. They met in Finsbury Square, and sat drinking coffee in the sultry evening air at a pavement cafe. Rachel’s manner was subdued.

‘Charles and I talked last night,’ she told Anthony. ‘We agreed things can’t go on as they are. Everything is so stilted, so artificial. He’s desperately unhappy. He said he doesn’t want me to move out, but I told him I didn’t see any alternative.’ She clasped her hands together, the knuckles white. ‘I’ve never hurt anyone so badly in my life, Anthony. I’ve had it done to me. I know what it feels like. I never wanted to do it to anyone else.’

‘It’s done now. Look, you mustn’t worry about anything. You can move in with me. The flat’s not very big, but there’s a room Oliver can have. Then we can look for somewhere together.’

After a moment’s silence Rachel said, ‘I’m not sure that’s a very good idea. I think maybe it’s a bit premature. Don’t misunderstand me – I love you very much. It’s just that we’ve only been seeing one another for a short space of time. Everything’s fine now, but it could change. If we start living together, the relationship doesn’t have a proper chance. Apart from anything else, you don’t know what it’s like, having a toddler around twenty-four hours a day.’

‘I like Oliver! I think he’s a fantastic little kid!’

‘I know you do. That’s not the point. I came out of my relationship with Leo and bounced straight into another. Probably not a good idea. But I let it happen. I can’t afford to make another mistake. I want to find somewhere of my own, and take it from there. They’re making me an equity partner in the autumn, which makes a big financial difference. I’ll be able to find a house for Oliver and myself. I’ll rent somewhere in the meantime.’ She looked up at him, her expression tentative. ‘I really think that’s the best idea, Anthony.’

Anthony wasn’t going to pretend he wasn’t a little relieved. He’d had no hesitation in suggesting to Rachel that she move in with him but, much as he was in love with her, he too could foresee problems. He was about to say as much, when Rachel added, ‘Besides, there’s something else we haven’t talked about.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Leo.’

‘I don’t see where he comes into it.’

She hesitated for some seconds. ‘We don’t talk about him much. But he’s there at the back of both our minds, all the time. I find it a little disturbing, don’t you?’ Anthony said nothing. Rachel went on, ‘It’s best to be honest about these things, I think … Leo said something the other day that made me realise how little I know about you. About you and him.’

‘What did he say?’

‘Nothing overt. I said he seemed angry that you and I were seeing one another. I said he couldn’t be jealous of
you, so he must be jealous of me – having you, I mean. It wasn’t a very bright thing to say, I know … But what he said next – I can’t remember the exact words—’ She broke off,’ regarding Anthony uncertainly. The next words were difficult to say. She spoke them quietly. ‘You’ve been his lover, haven’t you?’

There was a long silence. The truth seemed to eddy out slowly, filling the air between them. ‘It’s not perhaps the label I would use,’ replied Anthony. ‘I don’t know what you’d call it. It was just one night, that’s all.’ He looked down at the table, tracing a pattern with one finger.

Rachel said nothing. Her mouth felt suddenly dry. She couldn’t name the emotion which filled her. There was something almost pornographic in the contemplation of Anthony and Leo together. She let herself dwell on it, filling her mind with the image. Anthony looked up. ‘It just about finished me, you know. Finding I could feel that way about another man.’ He paused. ‘No – that’s not entirely right. I always knew what I felt about Leo. I knew what he wanted. I just didn’t realise that I wanted it as well.’ His gaze dropped, his voice, too. ‘I thought I would be ashamed, or something. Something … But I wasn’t. I hoped it was just the beginning.’ He nodded. ‘I thought it was. Just shows you, doesn’t it? Nothing is ever the way you think it is. Not where Leo’s concerned. He doesn’t start things. He finishes them. Chokes them dry. Kills them stone dead. Once he’s got what he wants, it’s all over. So.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ asked Rachel softly.

‘Because it has nothing to do with you and me,’ replied Anthony, still not looking at her.

‘Don’t you think so?’

‘No. Why?’ He looked up now. ‘Do you?’

Rachel nodded. ‘I think it has everything to do with us. Because you and I both have to ask ourselves – if Leo were to say to either of us right now, “I want you. Come to me”’— she gazed at him ‘—what do you think either of us would do?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Anthony. He pushed his coffee cup aside and gazed across the square. ‘I can’t answer for you.’

‘No. But you know the truth. Look at me.’

Anthony glanced at her. He shook his head. ‘What’s, the point? What’s the point of the question?’

‘I wanted to show you. How important he is.’

‘He’s not. Why do you want him to be?’ He paused, gazing into her eyes. ‘Would you go to him?

She dropped her gaze. ‘No. I love you.’

‘Then why bring him into this?’

‘Because I wanted to know the truth.’

‘So now you know it. Or you think you do.’ He leant forward and put his hands over hers. ‘Do you want to let him screw up this relationship?’

‘No.’

‘Then for once in your life try to forget him. This is about us.’ He stroked her fingers. ‘Do you believe that I love you?’

She nodded. ‘Yes.’

‘Then let that be enough.’ He leant across and kissed
her. ‘Whatever he has been to either of us, that man simply isn’t important.’

She nodded, but wondered in her heart whether this would ever be true.

Half an hour later, after they’d parted, Anthony realised he’d forgotten to tell Rachel that Leo was now head of chambers. She’d find out that bit of gossip in the next couple of days, anyway. He walked down into the Tube station, going over their conversation, wondering how their relationship was going to develop over the next few months. He loved her, he was glad she was leaving Charles, but it was probably best she wanted to find a place of her own. As for the stuff about him and Leo … Well, she knew now. It didn’t seem to make a difference. She, of all people, knew Leo and the kind of things he could make people do. He mustn’t think about that question she had asked. The one about what either of them would do if Leo were to say … No – no point in even considering it. These theoretical things were meaningless, anyway.

Felicity got back to the flat. No Sandy. His room was a complete tip, the curtains unopened, the bed unmade, the floor littered with sheets of paper covered in his writing. She certainly didn’t intend to read them, that was for sure. She went through to the living room, slipped off her shoes, and made herself a cup of tea. At least Neelam and Sanjay were due back from India tomorrow, so she wouldn’t have to go on feeling guilty about how Sandy had let Mrs Deepak down. She settled herself on the sofa and switched
on the six o’clock news. What the hell she was going to do next with Sandy, she had no idea. Maybe Henry was right. Maybe Mum and Dad were the people who should take responsibility for him. It might not be what Sandy wanted, but perhaps it would be the best thing for him.

Eleven o’clock came, and Felicity was about to get ready for bed, when she heard the sound of feet thundering up the stairs, and then a furious banging on the front door. She raced to open it. Sandy, staggering, panting, pushed past her into the flat. Felicity closed the door, and Sandy ran into the living room and ducked behind the sofa.

Felicity walked round the sofa. ‘Sandy, what the hell’s going on?’ She stared down at where he lay crouched, one arm raised defensively above his head.

‘They’re gonna get me, Fliss. They’ve been after me all day. They’re here! Outside! Don’t let them in! Please! Don’t let them in!’

‘Who is? Have you been in a fight?’

‘Oh, God …’ His voice was quivering. ‘Oh, God … They’re all over the streets. They’ve got weapons, missiles … Aaah!!’ He ducked again and screamed, terrifying Felicity. She backed away.

‘Sandy, there’s nobody out there. It’s in your head. There’s nobody going to hurt you.’

He whimpered, curling himself up. Felicity stood up. This was bad, really bad. She crossed the room. At that moment Sandy got up from behind the sofa, his eyes wild and lost, and picked up the nearest object, which happened
to be a hole puncher from the desk where Felicity kept bills and bank statements. He hurled it across the room. ‘I’m gonna fight them! They’re not gonna get me!’

‘Christ!’ exclaimed Felicity, and ducked. She knew Sandy wasn’t throwing it at her. He wasn’t even looking at her, probably wasn’t even aware she was there. She glanced up and saw him reach out for something else to throw. He looked completely demented. She ducked again, terrified, and crawled across the room on her hands and knees to the phone. She pulled it down, and sat crouched behind an armchair, her hands shaking, trying to think who to ring. Maureen? She could maybe get her brother round, or her Dad. She dialled the number, but only got Maureen’s answer phone. Shit. Objects were crashing round the room. Sandy was shoving the sofa across the carpet for some reason, talking and shouting all the time at his faceless enemy, at the beings in his head who were out to get him. God, had he been on that ketamine again? Felicity gave a little whimper of anguish, badly frightened both for herself and Sandy. ‘Calm, calm, keep calm …’ she muttered to herself.

She stabbed in Peter’s number. He would come. Please, please answer … Thank God.

‘Peter, it’s me, Fliss.’ Her voice was shaking. ‘Can you come over? There’s something really horrible going on here with Sandy.’

‘What? What kind of thing?’

‘I don’t know …’ The room had suddenly quietened. She looked round the side of the armchair and saw the sofa being dragged back into place, Sandy behind it. Digging in
and waiting for reinforcements, no doubt. ‘He came back a few minutes ago, completely paranoid. He’s raving on about people out to get him.’

‘Fliss, I told you he wasn’t right in the head. I could tell that last time I was round.’

‘Peter, he’s been violent! I think he could do himself or me some serious harm!’

‘In that case, ring the police. Best thing for everyone if he’s locked up.’

‘Peter, please, I’d really be grateful if you could come round. I don’t want to get the police involved. I don’t want him in trouble.’ She thought of the dope which Sandy probably had stashed away in his room, to say nothing of other substances.

‘It’s what he deserves. I’ve tried to tell you he’s not worth it. I don’t see what I can do to help, Fliss. I’m sorry.’

‘You won’t come? You won’t even help me?’

‘I’ve got the kids here. I can’t do a thing.’

She hung up. She knew Peter didn’t have his children there with him. He didn’t see them during the week. Not at this time of night, anyway. She felt near to tears. Sandy was at it again, alternately talking and shouting. She thought of Henry. He didn’t live too far away. He might know what to do, short of calling the police. She rang his number. What if he was out? But he answered.

‘Henry, I’m so glad you’re in!’ gasped Felicity.

‘Fliss, what’s the matter?’

‘Sandy’s gone completely mental. He’s got himself behind the sofa, and when he’s not throwing things, he’s raving on
about people out to get him. I’m really frightened, Henry.’

‘Give me ten minutes,’ said Henry, and hung up. Fliss sat back in relief. She wasn’t sure how he could help the situation though. Maybe he could calm things down, think of what to do. At least she wouldn’t have to deal with this alone.

Gradually the situation quietened a little. Sandy was still holed up behind the sofa, shouting at the faceless enemy, but he’d stopped throwing things. Felicity had become sufficiently emboldened to crawl round near to him, to talk to him, but he wouldn’t come out. The situation, he maintained, was too dangerous.

With relief Felicity heard the doorbell. She went to let Henry in.

‘He’s still there,’ said Felicity, indicating the sofa. ‘He won’t come out.’

Henry crossed the room cautiously. ‘Sandy?’

Sandy screamed, ‘Who’s that?’

Felicity intervened quickly. ‘It’s a friend, Sandy. Don’t worry, no one’s going to hurt you.’

Sandy jabbered frenziedly for a few moments about the enemy and the missiles and dangers that lurked all around, and about how Felicity must keep them away. Henry listened. ‘You need to get him to a hospital,’ he said quietly. ‘He needs looking after. You can’t sort this out here.’

‘How am I going to do that, Henry? Call an ambulance? Watch him wreck the flat while they try to take him away? I can’t do that. He trusts me. He’s here because he thinks
he’s safe. He thinks I’m the one person who’s not going to let him down.’

‘Right. Okay.’ Henry thought for a moment. ‘Mind if I make myself some tea?’

‘Of course not.’ She showed Henry to the kitchen, standing midway between both rooms in anxiety. She waited while Henry, with maddening deliberation, made his tea and drank it. At last he rinsed his cup and said, ‘If you don’t want him taken away, we’re going to have to persuade him to let us take him to the hospital.’

‘How are we going to do that?’ asked Felicity in exasperation. ‘You can see the state he’s in! He won’t even come out from behind the sofa!’

Henry went back to the living room.

‘Sandy?’ he said.

Sandy screamed again, ‘Who is it? Who is that?’

‘I’m a friend,’ said Henry. ‘I’m here to help you.’

‘No one can help! Not even the government! They’ve got spies everywhere!’

‘I’m from the government.’

There was a long silence. Then Sandy said, ‘Don’t fuck with me. This is dangerous. Don’t do that.’ After another moment he said, ‘Is that right, Fliss? Is he from the government?’

Felicity, wide-eyed, glanced at Henry. She looked back at the sofa. ‘Yes. Yes, he’s from the government, Sandy. He’s here to help.’

‘He can’t help me. You don’t get it. They’re out there, and nowhere’s safe!’

‘I know somewhere safe,’ said Henry. ‘The government’s got a safe place. I can take you there.’