90 Days (Prairie Town Book 2) (5 page)

    
“It all started when I was thirteen.  You were gone with Gran and Mama had been putting a lot of pressure on me to be my best—my
absolute
best: my hair, my clothes, my teeth, and even my makeup.  You remember me, Lydia,”—she frowned—“I was training to be some sort of freak debutante.  And after you left with Gran, Mama became even more determined to turn me into the perfect little lady.  I hated it.”

     “I suppose she was angry with me leaving.” Lydia frowned.  “And she needed to hang on to her real daughter.”

     “But I knew I wasn’t her only daughter.  We all knew it—even she knew it.  But damn if she didn’t ride my back over it all.  I thought Jeb would get the brunt end of her wrath.  I figured she’d be fawning over him since he was the only son she had left…but….”

     “But it somehow fell on you.” Lydia bowed her head and sighed.  “She gave you hell because of me.”

     “It’s not your fault, Lydia.  She was trying to deal with it the only way she could.  Did it make sense? No.  But it still happened.  I became her obsession.  She entered me in all sorts of competitions, against
really
pretty girls and—”

     “You were the prettiest.” Lydia interrupted, staring at her.

     “Huh?”

     “Laney, you’re talking about yourself as if you were hideous.  You’ve always been beautiful.”

     “Thanks…”

     “I know you don’t believe me and I hate that you don’t, but you…God, all I wanted was to be half as pretty as you when I transitioned.  Didn’t you know that?”

     “Really?” Her chest tightened and her lungs felt like the air was being squeezed from them.

     “Really really.  Don’t seem so surprised.”

     “I’m sorry.” Her shoulders sank.  “My mind just got bad for a really long time.  I started to rebel.  I did things…”

      “What kind of things?”

     “Well, I chopped off my hair for starters.  Mom nearly died over that.”

     “I knew something didn’t feel right about that haircut.” Lydia murmured.  “Ugh. I should have paid closer attention.  I’m so sorry, Laney.”

     “Again, it’s not your fault.  You had your own stuff to deal with, Lyds.  I was just trying to get Mama to understand I was tired of being her personal Barbie.  I just wanted to be me.”

     “You always were such a tomboy.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  But I know the haircut isn’t the only mistake you made… is it?”

     “No.”

     The seconds passed by torturously slow as Laney tried to prepare herself for her sister’s next question.  She knew it was coming and she knew Lydia deserved the truth.  Of all people, her big sister deserved to know what happened while she was gone.

    
But what if she hates me after this?  What if she thinks differently of me?

     “You don’t have to tell me.” Lydia whispered, much to her surprise.  “But I need you to remember that I love you, Laney, and I’m always here for you no matter what.”

     And that’s all it took.  The pain and anguish she’d held in for over eight years finally broke free, and with it came salty, hot, relentless tears.  As they spilled down her cheeks and she began to cry, Laney found comfort in the warm embrace of her sister’s arms.

     “I tried to kill myself.” Her confession slipped past her quivering lips in a broken whisper.  “I’m so sorry, Lydia.  I tried to do it… and I almost succeeded.  It’s a miracle that I’m still here.”

     “Oh, Laney.” Lydia sobbed, pressing kisses to the top of her head as she held her.  “Oh, Laney.  Why?”

     “I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I didn’t want to suffer anymore.  I’m so sorry.”

     “Shhh.  It’s okay.” Lydia sniffled, rocking her back and forth like a small child.  “I’m so glad you’re still alive.”

     “I’m not.” She squeaked, her lungs so painfully tight that it was nearly impossible to find her voice.  “Sometimes I hate so badly that I’m still here.”

     “Why?” Lydia sounded horrified as she pulled back enough to stare at her.  The moisture in her eyes made Laney feel so terrible.  Was it not enough to drop the first bomb on her?  Did she really have to add on to her sister’s worry by admitting she wished she were dead?

     It was only then that Laney realized she couldn’t stop the words coming out of her mouth.  They
needed
to come out.

     “My brain is so messed up.  Something’s wrong with me.” She shrugged her shoulders helplessly and wiped at her cheeks.  “Some days are okay, but mostly I just want to stop existing.  I know that’s wrong.”

     “Laney.” Lydia’s bottom lip quivered and she shook her head.  “Do Mom and Dad know about this?  Jeb?”

     “God, no.  No, no.  They’d have me admitted and I can’t… go back to that.”

     “What?” Lydia gasped.  “You’ve… you’ve been admitted before?”

     “Yes.  When I tried to kill myself.  Oh God.” She pinched at the bridge of her nose and squeezed her eyes shut.  Wave after wave of shame and embarrassment slammed into her as the memories flooded her mind.

    
“Laney, what have you done?” Mr. McIntosh wailed as he gripped her shoulders and shook her roughly. “Don’t you dare fall sleep, do you hear me?  Stay awake.”

     “I can’t.” She slurred.  “I’m too tired.”

     “Oh, god.  Oh, god!” Her mother cried.  “She took the whole bottle, Ethan.  The whole bottle!”

     “Damn it, Laney.  Why, baby?” His voice cracked as he cradled her to his chest, stroking her hair.  “Don’t do this to me.  Please.”

     “An ambulance is on the way.” 13-year-old Jeb said as he appeared in the doorway.

     Laney opened her heavily lidded eyes to stare at her brother and she knew if she survived this—even though she hoped she wouldn’t—she’d never forget the look of heartache and disappointment in his eyes.

     “Laney,” her father whispered tearfully.  “Just stay with me, baby. Everything’s going to be okay.  It’ll be all right.”

     Those were the last words she heard before she slipped into unconsciousness.

     She awoke to the sound of voices—a lot of voices.  They sounded so far away. 

     “Somebody get me the charcoal, now!” A woman demanded.  “And get an IV in this kid.  Her blood pressure is nearing stroke level.”

     “We’re going to lose her, Doctor.”

     “Don’t say that, damn it.  Just get me some charcoal.”

     She tried to open her eyes, but they were too heavy, and she was comfortably warm.

     Was she in heaven?

     “Come on, Elaine.  Don’t you dare give up.” The woman muttered.  “You’ve got too much to live for, even if you don’t realize it yet.”

     “Here’s the charcoal, Doctor.”

     “Get it in her.  We don’t have much time.”

     Her skin felt so hot, like a perfect summer day, and she was certain she could hear waves crashing against rocks as something thick and vile slid down her throat.

     “Come on, Laney.” Her father’s voice pleaded in the distance.  “Stay strong, baby.  Come back to us.”

     Everything seemed so calm and peaceful, wherever she was.  Why would she want to go back?

     The serenity of paradise didn’t last long; an agonizing pain in her stomach caused her eyes to snap open and she quickly lunged upwards, releasing the contents of her stomach into an awaiting bedpan.

     It seemed to take forever before the retching stopped and the cramps in her stomach faded.

     Breathing deeply, she lifted her eyes to stare at a kindly-looking nurse and her worried father.

     “There you are.” The nurse smiled.  “Welcome back, Miss McIntosh.  How are you feeling?”

     “I… I don’t know.”

     “Is that all you’ve got to say?” Her father questioned, frowning.  “Laney, you scared the BeeJesus out of us.  We nearly lost you… and all you can say is ‘I don’t know’?”

     “I’m sorry.” Dropping her gaze to her lap, she nibbled at her lip worriedly, afraid to meet his gaze again.  She couldn’t bear the disappointment and shame.

     “Why did you do it?” He asked, his voice breaking with raw emotion.  “You…you almost died, you know? Christ, Laney, what was going through your head?”

     “With all due respect, Sir,” the nurse started in a soft voice.  “She needs to rest right now.  An interrogation isn’t going to do her much good.  Would you please join me in the hallway for a moment?”

     “Only for a moment.” Her father grunted.

     She sighed in relief when they left the room, but the same feelings she’d had before waking up in the hospital bed came rushing back once she was alone.

     “I’m such an idiot.” She whispered, blinking back hot tears.  “Oh, God.  Why couldn’t you just let me die?”

     She knew no answer would come.  No one was listening to her, and why should they?  She was just a nobody.  Her mother had tried so hard to make her somebody, but all Laney wanted to do was disappear.

     Was that really too much to ask?

     “Hello, Miss McIntosh.”

     She wasn’t even sure how long she’d been zoned out—how had she not heard someone come in?  Lifting her eyes to meet friendly brown ones, Laney did her best to smile, but it was hard.

     “Hi.” She replied weakly.

     The man stood before her with a lopsided grin and an identification badge that read
SECURITY
.

     Her nerves got the better of her as she visibly tensed and eyed him cautiously.

     Was he going to take her to jail or something?

     “Relax,” he chuckled.  “I’m not going to hurt you, I promise.  The name’s Joe—I’m here to help.”

     “Why would a security guard be coming to help me?” She asked timidly, clutching the scratchy material that served as a bed sheet. 

     “Because it’s in the job description.” He nodded and winked.  “It’s not as bad as it seems right now, you know?  Whatever’s going through your mind—it’s not that bad.”

     “How would you know?”

     “I don’t.” He shrugged.  “But I do know everyone who visits where I’m taking you, they get better.”

     “And where are you taking me?” Panic seized her lungs as she began searching for her shoes.  Where were her shoes?

     “To a place with people who can help; people who understand and won’t judge you.  Now if you don’t mind…”

     As soon as he stepped towards the bed, she tumbled out of the bed and hit her knees against the cold floor, crying out as pain shot through her legs.

     “Whoa, take it easy!” Joe exclaimed as he hurried around the bed.  “Christ, are you okay?  Hey, wait—”

     “Daddy!” She cried, crawling away from him.  “Daddy, help!”

     She searched frantically for her father.  He would come through that open door at any second… wouldn’t he?

     “Calm down, Miss McIntosh.  I’m here to help you.  I’m not going to hurt you.” Joe stated as he eased towards her.  “Just stay calm.  No one is going to hurt you.”

     “Stay away from me.” She sobbed.  “I don’t…I don’t want to go anywhere.  I want to go home.”

     “You should have thought about that before downing an entire bottle of pills, sweetheart.” Joe frowned.

     The pity in his eyes was evident, and she hated it.  She hated it so much.

     What if she was forever remembered as the girl who tried to kill herself?

     “I just want to go home.” She repeated, whimpering and hugging her arms around herself protectively.  “I promise I won’t try to do it again.  Please just let me go home.”

     “I’m afraid I can’t do that.” Joe whispered, his hand still extended for her to take.  “It would be against the law if we let you go.  You’ve got to stay, only for a little while.”

     “No.  Please no.” Tears rolled down her cheeks and she tugged at the IV embedded in the top of her hand.  Why did they give her a stupid IV anyway?  “Just…I’ll be good.  I don’t want to die, honest.  I have school tomorrow.  You have to let me go.”

     “Your school work will be provided daily.” Joe promised, flexing his fingers and taking another step closer.  “You can earn TV watching privileges while you’re here and we’ve got a nice gym.  Time will fly by.”

     “I don’t want to!” She wailed.

     Seeing a moment of opportunity, Laney shoved past the guard and made a dash for the door, ignoring the pain in her hand as the IV ripped through her skin.  She grasped her free hand over the bleeding wound and kept running.

     She didn’t stop.

    
I have to get out of here.
  She thought, socked feet sliding across the floor. 
I want to go home.

     But strong arms wrapped around her from behind and she screamed bloody murder, kicking and fighting with all she had in her.

     “Let me go!” She shrieked.  “You can’t keep me here!”

     “Elaine Michelle McIntosh, you stop this instant!” Her father barked as he tightened his grip on her.