50 Ways to Soothe Yourself Without Food (14 page)

A very well-known study conducted in 1953 by psychologist Harry Harlow examined the importance of the sense of touch among animals. In the study, Harlow took baby rhesus monkeys away from their mothers. He then put them in a cage with two possible surrogate mothers. One mother was made of terrycloth, the other of wire. But the wire mother was able to provide food to nurse the babies. Time and again, when the baby monkeys were frightened, they ran to the terrycloth mother for comfort. Food wasn’t nearly as soothing as the cuddly terrycloth mothers, even when the monkeys were hungry (Suomi, van der Horst, and van der Veer 2008).

Of course, there are differences between monkeys and humans. But this research demonstrated that the comfort all animals get from touch is a basic biological need. The Harlow experiments also indicated that the need for a comforting relationship and touch is as important as even the need for food.

~self-soothing techniques~

Warm and Fuzzies

• Give and ask for bear hugs. First, be sure to ask if it’s okay. Hugging someone without permission may be a violation of his or her personal space and boundaries. A refusal of your touch or to hug back may feel very rejecting and ignite a further need for soothing within you.
  
• If you need a very gentle touch, ask for your back to be patted or the top of your hand rubbed.
  
• If you don’t have anyone handy to cuddle with, try sandwiching yourself between two pillows. Or sink into a beanbag chair.
  

Once a month, I go to a local shelter and serve soup. My church asked for volunteers. Initially, I didn’t want to do it. But after the first time I went, it changed my life. It put a thing or two into perspective for me. Instead of beating myself up for overeating food, I started being grateful that I had more than enough to eat. It encouraged me to consume food with a sense of appreciation instead of guilt. Also, I can’t even describe how fantastic I feel when I leave. I feel like I have done something very important for people who truly appreciate it. I hardly ever feel that sense of gratitude from others or see people who are as happy to see me as those in the shelter are happy to see me.

—Brad

Hollywood stars gain a lot of attention for their philanthropic endeavors across the globe. Big stars and minor starlets are photographed feeding hungry people in Africa and trying to forge diplomatic peace in countries where women and children’s lives are in daily danger. What is this about? Is it just an effort to gain attention? In some cases that may be true. But I would venture to say that the reason is much deeper than that. Anyone who has volunteered to help those less fortunate knows that making a difference in another person’s life is more gratifying than anything else one could possibly do. Money can only go so far to make you happy. It can entertain you for a while, but helping others changes your soul.

There’s a philosophical debate about whether altruistic gestures—acts of helping others without asking for anything in return—are truly selfless acts. Why? Well, helping people gives you such a sense of personal reward that it’s hard to make the argument that you get nothing back.

~self-soothing technique~

Give a Hand

If you are in an emotional funk and need to lift your spirits without resorting to food, find a way to give something of yourself.

• Start small.
  Give someone’s self-esteem a little boost by handing out a compliment. Keep in mind that it must be genuine praise. Tell the cashier at the grocery store she did a great job of bagging your groceries. Compliment a coworker who looks especially nice. When you see the other person’s face light up, you’ll feel great.
  
• Look to the people near you.
  Volunteering is something we can do every day. It doesn’t require going out of your way or very much time. Ask yourself what would help out—even a little. For example, you can offer to babysit for an hour. Or you can call your neighbors, and if they need something at the grocery store, offer to pick it up for them. Hold open a door for a woman carrying a baby or a man with his hands full. Carry an older person’s groceries to his car. Buy a cup of coffee for someone who looks like she needs a break.
  
• Look in the yellow pages.
  There are many reputable service organizations you could work with in the phone book. Or you could try the Internet. Call local charities or social service organizations. You can also volunteer through your church or community center.
  

I just want to lock myself in my house and never come out. It is way too much effort to explain how I feel right now to anyone. The problem with barricading myself in my house is that I eventually get lonely and start going a little stir-crazy. Then I turn to food to entertain myself. I really am a social person and would probably feel better if I talked to someone. I just have trouble getting started.

—Taylor

Although connecting with other people is extraordinarily healing, sometimes relating to others can feel like too much effort. In spite of the fact that you know talking to others will help, you may have no desire or motivation to connect. So, what do you do?

If being around people would help you to lessen your urge to stress eat but you just don’t feel up to it, you can find ways to ease into interacting with others. Here are some helpful strategies to give yourself a little nudge out the door.

~self-soothing techniques~

Mindfully Get Moving

• Make appointments.
  Schedule brief social encounters for the near future, like a quick lunch or a coffee break. Avoid signing up for something that requires a lot of time. Just knowing that you will connect with someone later in the week gives you lots of time to prepare for it mentally, and it’s something to look forward to. Don’t cancel! It’s likely that once you get there, you’ll be happy you went.
  
• Smile!
  People are much more likely to interact with you when they see you smiling at them. It makes you very approachable.
  
• Say hello to acquaintances.
  Make an appointment to get your hair cut. Chitchat with your regular stylist or with a new one. Go to your favorite restaurant and say hello to the waitress who always takes your order. Strike up a conversation with the bus driver. These conversations are sure to be very light and aren’t likely to push your emotional buttons.
  
• Go places where people naturally gather.
  Sometimes being around people can help even if you don’t talk to anyone. Go to the library or wander the mall. Go to the gym and talk to the person on the treadmill next to you. Take a workshop or a class. These are good places to be around people without having to be very sociable or needing to interact with them very much.
  

If you don’t know where to start or you’re feeling stuck, then choose one technique from each chapter of this book and do them all. This will ensure that you soothe and comfort all the different aspects of your body and your mind. Also, if one technique doesn’t work on the day you do it, be sure to try it again another time. On another day or under different circumstances, the same technique may have a beneficial outcome. An example of how to use specific techniques from each chapter is provided below.

Susan had a very tense day at work. When she got home, she was tempted to eat some leftover chocolate cake and comfort herself with food and calories. Because her craving was so strong, she knew she needed a foolproof plan. So she chose techniques from each chapter that had successfully kept her from stress eating in the recent past.

To center herself, she began with a quick breathing exercise (Breath Your Way to Inner Calm,
no. 3
, in
chapter 3
). Then she spent five minutes writing in her journal (Journaling to Boost Your Mental Health Immunity,
no. 11
, in
chapter 4
). Susan then chose to do one yoga pose (Yoga 101,
no. 23
, in
chapter 5
). She put some of her favorite music on (Meditative Music,
no. 38
, in
chapter 6
). Finally, Susan e-mailed a friend (Join the Blogosphere,
no. 42
, in
chapter 7
).

~self-soothing technique for emergency help~

Inspiration Box

Ideally, this exercise uses an empty tissue box, but any kind of empty box or jar will do. You’ll be making a grab bag of techniques from this book. First, get a small stack of paper. Cut the paper into squares. On each square, write the name of one technique. Then fold each square and place it inside the box.

When you feel the urge to eat to soothe yourself, go directly to this box. Reach in and randomly pull out one folded paper square. Open it and read it. Trust the box. Commit to trying whatever technique you draw from the box. If that doesn’t work, commit to drawing another square and trying that technique. If that doesn’t work, commit to drawing yet another square. Practice that technique. The odds are very good that by the time you’ve finished doing three techniques, your urge to eat will have passed.

Important tip:
Do the preparation for this technique before you are in need of using it. Have the box ready to go in times of need.

~self-soothing technique for emergency help~

Create Your Own Comfort Kit

Create a comfort kit that you can turn to when you need immediate help. Look back through this book and gather together the items you will need to complete some of the techniques. Fill a box with various items that provide soothing comfort; for example, your journal, a bottle of lotion, warm socks, a tea bag, a comfy sweater, and other items that you know will help to soothe you.

New ways to nurture yourself without food can be life changing. They can liberate you from the powerful grip of emotional eating. Before reading this book you may have continually gone to the fridge when you didn’t know what else to do to heal your heavy heart. But the fridge is just a big, cold box filled with food. It’s a lousy long-term support system. Eating for comfort is like putting a Band-Aid over a gaping wound.

Finding new ways to calm down while the problem works itself out is what you need instead of food. You can use a variety of mental, physical, meditative, distracting, and social support techniques to help you through the rough moments. It may take time and practice. Be patient and persistent and you will change. You will find ways to soothe and calm yourself that do not involve eating undesirable calories. So the next time you feel strung out from a too hectic day, forget about reaching for a piece of cake. Instead, reach for this book, flip through it, and pick a soothing technique to help you feel better fast. Instead, reach for this book, flip through it, and pick a soothing technique to help you nurture and comfort yourself from this moment forward.

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