16 Sizzling Sixteen (17 page)

So dead is one possibility, I said. What else?

Somebody else could have snatched him, Lula said. Somebody other than Bobby Sunflower.

Why? Connie asked.

I guess to get money, like Sunflower. It could be a copy-cat snatching, Lula said.

No ones gotten in touch with us, Connie said.

Hunh, Lula said. Thats problematic.

Theres something else that I always thought was problematic, I said. If were assuming someone took Vinnie, how did they know he was in Mooners RV? Mooner picked Vinnie up at my parents house. And Mooner said Vinnie never left the RV.

I see what youre saying, Lula said. This had to be one of them opportunistic crimes. Like someone decided to rob Mooners RV when Mooner went into the bakery, and they come across Vinnie and decided on the spur of the moment to take him, and then they killed him and put him in the meat grinder.

Whats with the meat grinder thing? I asked her.

I dont know. I guess Im feeling like a burger for dinner, and I just keep thinking of meat grinders, Lula said.

I drove down Hamilton and was happy to see the Love Bus was still in front of the bookstore. I maneuvered the Mercedes into a space at the curb and cut the engine.

I want to talk to Mooner, I said to Connie and Lula. The pieces arent fitting into the puzzle.

Mooner was at the door to the RV before I knocked. I was hoping youd come back, he said. I was wondering if I could plug into your electric. Im, like, down on my battery, and the Cosmic Alliance doesnt understand no juice.

Sure, Connie said. Were all going down the drain anyway. You have to unplug when I leave for the night.

Understood. And no worries, I got my own extension cord.

Talk to me about Vinnie disappearing, I said to Mooner. Walk me through it again.

Well, like I said, we were groovin. We were listening to some Dead and gettin mellow. I was, like, just drivin around spreading the word. And next thing, I spotted the bakery, so I wheeled the old bus into the lot.

Stop, I said. Picture the lot. Was it empty?

No. There were, like, two cars. The big car and the little car.

Correcto mundo.

Were the cars occupied?

Dont think so, but I cant be sure. I wasnt paying attention. And suppose someone was, like, lying down on the seat taking a nap? I mean, I wouldnt see them, right? So would that count?

Yeah.

Well then, like, dude.

What was Vinnie doing when you left for the bakery?

He was riding shotgun. And I guess he was looking out the window. Except there wasnt anything to see but the parking lot.

So Vinnie is in the RV in the shotgun seat and youre walking into the bakery. Was anyone in the lot? Maybe going to their car?

No. The lot was empty except for me.

How about the bakery? Were there any customers in the bakery besides you?

No. But you know how the bakery has those two glass doors? So, like, suppose there were two people going in and out of those doors at exactly the same time? Would they be in or would they be out? And, like, would that count?

Yes, it would count, I told him.

Then there was someone else, and she was either in or out. Now that Im thinking about it, she might have been a teensy bit more out. It was her gazongas that were over the line. She had, like, massive gazongas. Theyd definitely crossed the midway line before the rest of her.

She was coming out when you were going in?

Yeah, Mooner said.

Did you watch her cross the lot?

No, man. I was caught in the cinnamon roll tractor beam.

Okay, so what did she look like? I asked him.

Mooner grinned. She had real big gazongas.

He got a gazonga fixation, Lula said. What is it with men and gazongas? Its not like women got a nut fixation. Its not like we go around looking for some guy with basketballs hangin down to his knees.

Back to the woman, I said. How old was she?

She was about our age.

Pretty?

Yeah. She was, like, porn-star pretty.

What the heck is porn-star pretty? Lula wanted to know.

Like, out there with the gazongas, you know?

You say gazongas one more time, and Im gonna hit you, Lula said.

Moving on, I said. What else?

She was wearing a lot of eye makeup, and she had big fat shiny lips, and she was in one of those black leather tops with the shoestrings. And it was, like, hardly holding the . . . You-know-whats in.

She was wearing a bustier, Lula said.

And she was in a black leather skirt that was, wow, really short. And stilleto heels.

Yep, thats a porn star all right, Lula said.

I was pretty sure I knew the porn star, and she was only a porn star in her home movies. What about hair? I asked.

Red. Like Lulas, but there was, like, a lot of it, and it was all in waves and curls. Like a red-haired Farrah Fawcett.

Joyce Barnhardt, I said.

Yeah, Mooner said.

You knew it was Joyce?

Sure.

You didnt ask me if I knew her name, Mooner said.

Can I hit him now? Lula wanted to know.

I cut my eyes to her. Youd hit the brownie maker?

Yeah, good point, Lula said.

At least we know where Vinnies hiding out, Connie said.

Yeah, he took off sniffing after Barnhardt, Lula said. Im just surprised hes still there. Barnhardt uses em up and kicks em out.

Joyce Barnhardt is my arch nemesis. I went all through school with Joyce, and she did her best to make my life a misery. In all fairness to Joyce, I wasnt singled out. Joyce made everyones life a misery. She was a fat kid who spit on other peoples food, looked under the stall door in the bathroom, lied, cheated, and bullied. Somewhere in high school, she morphed into a sexual vampire, and eventually she lost weight, bought breasts, inflated her lips, died her hair, and honed her skills as a home wrecker and user to an all-time high. Shes had multiple marriages, each more profitable than the previous, and shes currently single and hunting. She drives a flashy Corvette and lives in a large house not far from Vinnie.

Lets saddle up, I said to Lula.

You going to get Vinnie? she asked.

Yes. I dont know why, but I feel compelled to retrieve him.

I hear you, Lula said.

TWENTY-ONE

JOYCE LIVED IN a house that was a cross between Mount Vernon and Tara from Gone with the Wind. Professionally maintained green lawn leading to a monster white colonial with black shutters and a columned entrance. I turned onto Joyces street and saw that Vinnie was sitting on the curb in front of the house. He was back to wearing only boxer shorts, and he had a two-day beard.

Thats disgustin, Lula said. You arent gonna let him into this nice car, are you? Hes probably got Barnhardt cooties all over him. Maybe you should strap him to the roof.

I havent got any bungee cords. Hes going to have to ride inside.

I stopped and let Vinnie into the Mercedes.

What took you so long? he said.

He was in the backseat, and I looked in my rearview mirror and gave him my death stare.

You got no manners, Lula said to Vinnie. Im gonna have to disinfect my eyes with bleach after seeing you in them shorts. Why are you always just wearing shorts whenever we rescue you?

Why didnt you at least call?

Hello? Vinnie said. Do you see a phone on me?

Guess not any of Joyces neighbors were gonna open the door to a naked man, Lula said.

Only long enough to send the dog out after me, Vinnie said.

So whyd Joyce kick you out? Lula asked.

She found out I didnt have any money.

A half hour later, I was back at the office and Vinnie was inside, staring down at the electric cord running out to Mooners RV. What the hell?

He needed juice for the Cosmic Alliance, Lula said. Are you gonna put clothes on? Im gettin nauseous lookin at your nasty weasel body.

My clothes are all in the rolling goof house out there. That guy is a nut. Hasnt anyone ever told him Hobbits arent real? Vinnie went to his office and looked around. What happened to my furniture? All Ive got in here is my desk and a folding chair.

We sold it, Connie said.

Yeah, we sold everything, Lula told him. We sold all the dishes, guns, grills, and jewelry. We even sold the motorcycle.

The BMW? Are you shitting me? That was my private motorcycle.

Not no more, Lula said.

We needed the money to buy back your debt, I told him. Youre off the hook with Sunflower and Mickey Gritch.

Mooner ambled in. Hey, amigo, he said to Vinnie. Welcome back, dude. Long time, no see.

Yeah, a lot longer than I wanted. Didnt you give anybody my note?

You didnt leave a note.

Of course I left a note, Vinnie said. It was on the table. I couldnt find any paper, so I wrote it on a napkin.

Dude, that was your note? I thought the napkin came like that. You know how you get napkins in bars with funny things written on them?

No, dude, I put my pastries on that napkin. Thats what napkins are for . . . Drinks and pastries.

At least Im back in the office, Vinnie said. A mans office is his castle, right? He sat in the folding chair and opened his top drawer. Wheres my gun?

Sold it, Connie said.

Vinnie closed the drawer and put his hands on his desk. Wheres my phone?

Sold that, too, Connie said.

How am I supposed to work without a phone?

You dont work anyway, Lula said. And now you cant call your bookie, who, by the way, probably isnt talking to you on account of you got no credit.

Yeah, but you paid everything off, right? How much did it come to?

A million three, Connie said.

Vinnie froze, mouth open. You paid a million three? Where the hell did you get that kind of money?

We sold your phone, I said.

Yeah, and your bike, Lula said.

Thats not nearly adding up to a million three. Whered you get the rest of the money?

Id rather not say, I told him.

Stephanies right, Connie said. You dont want to know.

I came in to unplug, Mooner said. The Alliance wants me to go to the airport to pick up some Hobbits flying in for the big event.

Okay, so I dont have a phone, Vinnie said. Its still good to be here. I tell you, I thought I was going to die. They were serious. I dont know what the deal is with Bobby Sunflower, but he was gonzo. And then when the house got bombed, everyone was twice as nuts. I was happy when you rescued me from the rattrap apartment, but I figured my time was short. I never thought youd get me off. I knew Sunflower would track me down and blow my brains out. I figured hed find me in Antarctica if he had to.

He needed money, I said.

Vinnie opened his middle drawer and rifled through it. The petty cash is missing.

Well spent, Vinnie said. Its not like Im not grateful.

Why did Sunflower need money? I asked Vinnie.

Bad investments, I guess.

Like what?

Vinnie shrugged. I dont know. I dont even care. I just want to relax and enjoy not having a contract on me. I want to sit here in my office and watch television for a half hour. Vinnie looked around. Wheres my television? Oh crap, dont tell me you sold my television.

I got two hundred dollars for it, Lula said.

It was high def! Vinnie said. It was a plasma.

Well, if you want, I can call Bobby Sunflower and tell him I want two hundred dollars back so you can repo your high def, plasma TV, Lula said.

Nope, thats okay, Vinnie said. Im going to sit here and close my eyes and pretend I have a television. Im calm. Im happy to be alive. Im happy to have gotten out of Joyces house without getting my Johnson cut off. Vinnie opened his eyes and looked over at us. Shes an animal.

Too much information, Lula said.

Connie went to her desk to answer the phone. Vinnie, she called. Its Roger Drager, president of Wellington. Hed like to talk to you.

Whats Wellington? Lula asked Vinnie.

Its the venture capital company that owns the agency.

Oh yeah, Lula said. Now I remember.

Vinnie went to Connies desk to take the call.

Yeah, he said. Yessir. Yessir. Yessir. And he hung up.

That was a lot of yessirs, Lula said.

He wants me to come to his office, Vinnie said. Now.

Be good if you put some clothes on, Lula said. He might not like little Vinnie hangin out your shorts.

What does he want to talk to you about? Connie asked.

I dont know, Vinnie said.

Maybe its the phantom bonds, Connie said.

Vinnies eyebrows lifted. You know about that?

We scoured the office, looking for money, and I found the file.

It started out small. I swear on my mothers grave I meant to pay Wellington back.

Your mother isnt dead, I said to Vinnie.

She will be someday, Vinnie said. Anyway, it got out of hand. In the beginning, I just wanted a short fix to pay Sunflower back on some bad bets, but Sunflower came in and wouldnt let go. Before I knew it, his bookkeeper was helping me keep two sets of books.

Is this the dead bookkeeper?

Yeah, Vinnie said. Sudden death with tire tracks on his back.

I thought about Victor Kulik and Walter Dunne, executed behind the diner. Life expectancy with Wellington wasnt good.

Mooner came back with Vinnies clothes. I fixed them for you, dude, Mooner said. Theyre, like, awesome.

Vinnie stepped into his slacks and looked down at himself. The slacks had been shortened to just below his knees, and his shirt had been turned into a tunic with a rope belt. It went well with his black dress shoes and black socks. Mooner had printed Doderick Bracegirdle with black magic marker on the shirt pocket. Vinnie looked like a wino Hobbit coming off a three-day binge. His gelled hair was stuck every which way, his clothes were wrinkled and smudged with grass stains, his beard belonged to Grizzly Hobbit.

Id kill him, Vinnie said, glaring at Mooner, but you sold my gun.

Probably, this Drager guy wants to have you arrested for embezzling, I said to Vinnie. Hes not going to care that youre a homeless Hobbit.

I havent got a drivers license, Vinnie said. I havent got a car.

I hitched my bag onto my shoulder. Ill take you. Where are we going?

Hes downtown in the Meagan Building.

THE MEAGAN BUILDING was a black glass and steel high-rise built several years before the commercial real estate market crashed. The Wellington Company was on the fifth floor. We stepped out of the elevator into a carpeted hall. Pale gray carpet, cream walls with cherry chair rails and cherrywood doors. Classy. Wellington occupied the entire floor. It was getting to be late in the day and the Wellington front desk was unmanned. Roger Drager was waiting for us in the small reception area.