16 Sizzling Sixteen (11 page)

I dont do the books. Vinnie has an accountant for that.

Maybe we should talk to the accountant.

The accountants dead. He got run over by a truck last week. Twice.

Thats not good.

No, Connie said. Its really not good.

Does Sunflower know we were the ones to spring Vinnie?

Yeah, but I think its too embarrassing to let go public. And I think hed rather have the money than to see us shot full of holes.

I drank some coffee and took a doughnut from the box on Connies desk. So we need to raise money.

Its up to a million two.

Chopper is a pretty high-bond. The toilet paper guy isnt worth much, but he might be easy to capture.

Butch Goodey is worth something, Connie said. I thought he skipped to Mexico.

I heard he got back last week, and hes working at the meatpacking plant.

Butch Goodey is 66 tall and weighs about three hundred pounds. Hes wanted for exposing himself to thirteen women over a period of two days. He said they were lucky to get to see Mr. Magic, and he blamed it on a sex-enhancement drug that gave him a thirty-two-hour erection. The judge who set Goodeys bond asked for the name of the drug, wrote it on a piece of paper, and slipped the paper into his pocket.

Ill put Goodey at the head of the list, I said.

Lula swung into the office. At the head of what list?

The catch em list, I told her. We need to make money today.

So were going after Butch Goodey? I thought he was in Mexico.

Hes back. Hes working at the meatpacking plant.

I hate that place, Lula said. It gives me the creeps. You drive by with your windows open, and you can hear cows mooing. Youre only supposed to hear stuff like that on a farm. I mean, what the hecks the world coming to when you can hear cows mooing in Trenton? And who the heck would work at a meatpacking plant anyway?

The meatpacking plant was down by the river, south of town, on the edge of a residential area that was blue-collar or no-collar. It took up half a block, with some of that space devoted to holding pens, where the cattle went in, and some to loading docks, where the hamburger meat came out.

At nine-thirty in the morning, the plant was in full swing. It was going to be a glorious, sunny, warm day and the area around the plant smelled faintly of cow.

You know what this makes me think about? Lula said, jumping down from the Jeep, standing in the parking lot. It makes me think I could use a new leather handbag. If we get done early today, we should go to the mall.

I didnt think we were going to get done early. I expected this was going to be a very long day. It was Thursday, and there was no way we could get all of the money by bringing in a few skips. If we didnt come up with over a million dollars by tomorrow, Grandma Plum and Aunt Mim were going to be wearing black.

THIRTEEN

LULA AND I entered a small reception area and approached the woman at the front desk. I gave her my business card and told her I wanted to speak to Butch Goodey. The woman ran her finger down a roster of names attached to a clipboard and located Goodey.

Hes helping unload cattle right now, she said. The easiest way to find him would be to go around the building from the outside. Just go out the door, turn left, and keep walking. Youll see an area around the corner where trucks are off-loading, and Butch should be there.

Im glad we didnt have to go through the building, Lula said, because I dont want to see them chopping up cows. I like thinking meat grows in the supermarket.

We turned the corner and came to an area where cattle were milling around in a pen.

What kind of cows do you suppose these are? Lula asked. Are these hamburger cows or steak cows?

I dont know, I said. All cows pretty much look the same to me.

Yeah, but some are bigger than others and some got horns. These cows are hefty black cows. I guess theyre my kind of cow, Lula said.

I had a photo of Butch. Id tried to find him before he skipped to Mexico, so I had some idea of what I was looking for, and at 66 and three hundred pounds, he shouldnt be that hard to spot. I scanned the holding area and picked him out, standing a foot taller than everyone else. He was watching over a gate that fed the cattle from a pen to a ramp that led into the building.

I had cuffs tucked into the back of my jeans, but I wasnt sure they were big enough to fit around Butchs wrists. I had Flexi Cuffs hooked onto a belt loop, but it was hard to be sneaky with Flexi Cuffs. My hope was that I could talk him into going downtown with me to re-up for his court hearing.

Stay here by the cattle truck, I said to Lula. I dont want to spook Butch by having both of us come at him. Im going to circle around and try to talk to him.

Sure, Lula said. What do you want me to do if he bolts and runs?

Tackle him and cuff him, I said.

Okeydokey.

Butch was feeding the cattle one by one onto the ramp, concentrating on his job. I skirted the holding pen, moving behind an empty cattle truck, and I came up behind him. I had my cuff in my hand, taking measure of his gargantuan wrist, when he turned and saw me.

Yes, but . . .

Im not going to jail. You cant make me. It wasnt my fault.

Butch jumped into the pen with the stupefied cows and ran for the gate by the truck. Lula saw him coming at her, opened the gate to tackle him, and the rest was the stuff nightmares are made of. When the gate creaked open, every cow picked its head up and sniffed freedom. Butch went through the gate first, knocking Lula on her ass against the fence. Butch was followed by a cow stampede. The cows galloped out of the pen, into the parking lot, and scattered. In a matter of seconds, not a single cow could be seen.

Truck drivers and cow wranglers stood open-mouthed, frozen in place for a full minute.

What the bejeezus was that? someone finally said.

Lula hauled herself to her feet and adjusted her purse on her shoulder. Im gonna sue someone, she said. I could have been killed. Im lucky I wasnt stampeded on. This cow plant is negligent. Im calling my lawyer.

You were the one who opened the gate, I told her.

Yeah, but they should have had a lock on it so I couldnt do that. And what are we doing with cows in Trenton anyway? How many times do I have to ask that question?

Someone screamed half a block away, and I heard the sound of cow feet clomping down a street somewhere. Men were pouring out of the plant, organizing search teams. A big black cow trotted into the lot, three men took off after it, and the cow ran away, headed for the 7-Eleven on Broad.

Well, I guess our business is done here, Lula said. Now what?

Now we ride around and try to spot Butch.

And we get out of the parking lot before someone remembers Lula was the one who opened the gate.

I kind of worked up an appetite being around all those cows, Lula said, climbing into the Jeep. I wouldnt mind getting a burger.

I plugged the key into the ignition. After we find Butch.

What are we gonna do if we find him? Lula wanted to know. Are you gonna run him over with the Jeep? Looks to me like thats the only way youll catch him. Hes as big as one of those cows.

I drove out of the lot, turned at the corner, and stopped to let a cow cross the street in front of me.

I bet this happens all the time, Lula said. These people are probably used to having cows in their yards. Its probably like living next to the jail. I bet theres people escaping from the jail all the time, too.

Anything was possible, but for all the time Ive lived in Trenton, which was all my life, Ive never heard of cows making a run for it out of the packing plant.

Two cop cars raced through an intersection one street over. I could hear men shouting to one another, and I heard a cow bellow not far off. A man bolted from between two houses with a cow hot on his heels. The guy scrambled on top of a car, and the cow ran off in another direction.

Butch took Broad to Hamilton, found his way to Cluck-in-a-Bucket, and went straight to the drive-through window. He was driving a white Taurus that was a bunch of years old. Easy to follow.

This is enough to give me religion, Lula said. How good is this? We follow some idiot to Cluck-in-a-Bucket. Just when Im hungry, too. I bet its the bottle. You got your bottle, right?

Yeah.

I knew it, Lula said. The bottles working for us.

Butch put his order in, pulled up to the next window, and I hung back.

I got a order, Lula said to me. Pull up to the window.

Im not getting stuck in the drive-through. If he parks, you can go inside and get your order while I make the capture. If he leaves with his food, youll have to wait.

Okay, I could do that, Lula said. That sounds like a plan.

Butch got his food and parked nose-in, facing the side of the building. Lula jumped out of the Jeep and hustled inside, and I parked directly behind Butch, blocking his exit. My first choice was to talk to him and convince him to come downtown with me. My second choice was to give him a shot with my stun gun and handcuff him to his car. Then Id pay a tow truck to drag him to the police station. Id still be way ahead. Ordinarily, Id stun a guy and Lula and I would wrestle him into my backseat. Since Butch was three hundred pounds soaking wet, wrestling wasnt practical.

I trotted up to the Taurus and bent to talk to Butch. He jumped at my voice, a piece of burger fell out of his mouth, and he shrieked like a girl.

I just want to talk to you, I said.

Im not going to jail! he yelled at me.

He threw the Taurus into reverse, I hit him once with the stun gun, and he twitched and squeaked, but that was it. The Taurus plowed into Rangers Jeep and knocked it back about ten feet, totally bashing in the entire left side. Butch slammed the Taurus into drive, jumped the sidewalk, made a sharp turn, and took off out of the lot.

Lula sashayed out with two bags of food and stood looking at the Jeep. Youre in trouble, she said. You wrecked Rangers Jeep. She looked around. Wheres Butch?

Gone.

He must be a real fast eater.

I walked up to his car, and he panicked. I hit him with the stun gun, and it had no effect.

No shit, Lula said. You need a cattle prod for him.

I hauled my cell phone out and dialed Ranger.

Bad news, I told him. I sort of wrecked your Jeep.

It was only a matter of time, he said. And he disconnected.

Five minutes later, a Rangeman SUV drove into the parking lot. Hal and another guy got out, looked at the Jeep, and smiled.

No disrespect, Hal said to me, but youve done better.

This was true. I was driving Rangers Porsche one time, and it got smashed flat as a pancake by a garbage truck. Hard to top that.

Raphael will take care of the Jeep, Hal said. And Im at your disposal. Where would you ladies like to go?

The bonds office, I told him. We need to regroup.

HOWD IT GO? Connie asked. Did you catch anyone?

Nope, Lula said. But we trashed Rangers Jeep. And we did some other stuff, but I might not want to talk about it.

Connie gave me raised eyebrows.

Lula opened a gate at the packing plant and set a whole bunch of cows loose, I said. Theyre probably in Bordentown by now.

They were like Born Free cows, Lula said.

We arent doing so good in the money-raising department, Connie said.

I slouched in the orange chair in front of her desk. Maybe we should call the police.

Or we could ship Vinnie off to Brazil, Lula said. We could put him in nitwit protection.

My phone rang, and I groaned when I saw the number. It was my mother.

When are you picking him up? my mother wanted to know.

Who?

You know who! Hes in your fathers chair, watching television, drinking coffee.

Good for her, my mother said. Id kick him out, too, but I cant get him out of the chair. When are you coming to get him?

Heres the thing, I said to my mother. He doesnt have anyplace to stay.

He cant stay here. And I swear Ill never make you another pineapple upside-down cake if you dont get him out of here.

Ill be right there. I grabbed my tote bag and stood. We have to get Vinnie, I said to Lula. My mothers done with him.

You cant bring him back here, Connie said.

Can I put him in your house?

Not even for a moment.

I looked at Lula.

Nuh-uh, Lula said. I dont even like him. And soon as hes left alone, hell be tryin all my special dresses on. Lulas attention moved to the plateglass window in the front of the office. Its the Moon Man, she said.

Mooner pushed the door open and gave us the peace sign. Ladies, he said. How goes it?

It goes okay, I said. How goes it with you?

I dont know. I think they might have put some wacky mushrooms on my pizza last night. I was driving down Broad Street just now, and I swear I thought a cow was walking down the street.

Hunh, Lula said. Thats crazy, all right.

Some cows got loose at the packing plant this morning, I told Mooner.

Mooner clapped a hand to his heart. Thats a mega relief. Last time I saw cows walking down the street, I had to go into rehab.

What were you doing on Broad? I asked him.

I was handing out fliers. I got some for you, too. Mooner put a stack of papers on Connies desk. The Alliance is having its annual Hobbit Con, and Im in charge this year. Its an awesome honor.

Ive never been to a Hobbit Con, Lula said. What do you do there?

You dress up like a Hobbit, Mooner said. And you get a Hobbit name. And theres all kinds of Hobbit food. And there are Hobbit games. And Hobbit music.