100 Perks of Having Cancer: Plus 100 Health Tips for Surviving It (30 page)

rhea, bloating, or gas. But since it’s not exactly a common topic of conver-

sation, you may think your bathroom habits are normal and healthy, when

they’re anything but (or should I say, “butt”?).

To get to the “end” we have to start at the beginning. Your BM starts its

journey as food. Digestion begins in the mouth, as food is chewed and

mashed and mixed with enzymes that start the process. The mixture then

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is pushed down into the stomach where it’s mixed with more enzymes, and

there is more mashing and churning. That mixture then goes into the small

intestine, where nutrients are absorbed by the intestine walls, and into the

blood and is distributed to all the cells of your body for proper functioning

and growth.

Anything that can’t be digested by the body goes on to the large intestine.

Your large intestine is about as long as you are tall. As the waste moves through

your colon, water is absorbed back into the body and reabsorbed back into the

colon if needed. Eventually, everything collects in the sigmoid colon, and then

the rectum. Truly healthy rectums are filled and emptied daily.

If everything is working properly, a nicely formed, light brown, some-

what soft, bowel movement is pushed out of the anus (mostly by the inter-

nal contractions of the rectum) and voila! A turd is born! (Honestly, I don’t

know why this isn’t the topic of more dinner conversations.)

Stool consists of 75 percent water, 8.3 percent dead bacteria, 8.3 percent

live bacteria, and 8.4 percent indigestible fiber.

This is the way the story is supposed to go, but many factors affect “The

Duke” and his journey, and the process may take various twists and turns

and get stalled along the way for many reasons.

How Do You Poop?

Think about your usual bathroom experience.

Which one most often applies to you?

What happens:
You feel like you want to go, but

it only happens twice a week or less. When it does

happen there are grunting sounds followed by

tearing eyes and a huge sigh of relief when it’s

over. Sometimes you feel a bit dizzy when you’re

done. Your poop, even though you’ve worked very

hard at it, is only a tiny hard marble (or many

marbles), and it makes a splash when it hits the

water. You might see a little bit of bright red blood

in the toilet or on the tissue.

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What this says:
Your diet probably consists of fries and donuts washed

down with coffee. In fact, caffeine is your drug of choice. (Large amounts

of coffee, more than two cups a day, on a regular basis, dehydrate your

body.) You can’t remember the last time you ate a raw food, and ketchup

is your daily vegetable. Water isn’t water unless it’s cola. Your exercise is

walking to the couch so you can flip on the TV. You probably have a lot of

bloating and cramping and are always complaining that you are tired. Your

medicine cabinet is filled with laxatives and antacids.

To get a “zen BM” start with your water intake. This is a simple way to

improve your bowels. Since your poop contains mostly water and fiber, you

can’t poop if you don’t get enough of either one. Since water is shifted from

your bowels to your cells to help your body function, a dehydrated body

means dehydrated stool, and there won’t be enough water to help move

things along. This is one of the main causes for constipation.

The smaller and more “marblelike” your poop is, the more stressed you

are. The more relaxed the colon is, the longer (not bigger) the stool is.

Chronic stress will slow down the nonvital organs in your body and redirect

the action from your digestion to your heart, lungs, and brain. There’s reason

number two for not going #2.

When you see a very small amount of bright red blood in the toilet or

on the toilet tissue, it could mean you have hemorrhoids (bulging and

weakening of the arteries near your rectum) or tiny tears in your rectum

(like paper cuts on your butthole) that you can get from too much strain-

ing. If you have any persistent bleeding, or when you see more than just a

few drops of blood, you should get checked by a professional right away.

When you strain to go, you are performing a “valsalva maneuver” (pushing

with your airway closed). This strained action puts pressure on the heart.

For most healthy people, this is not a problem, but if you have an under-

lying heart condition (that you may not be aware of), it could be very

unhealthy.

Straining can also cause little tears in your retina, causing you to see

“floaters” (not in the toilet—in your vision). This usually corrects itself and

is not serious. But really, if you’re pushing so hard that you are making your

eyes bleed, don’t you think it’s time for a change?

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What happens:
Your poop is formed, but you see “stuff” in it. Sometimes

your poop sinks and sometimes they float.

What this says:
You’ve eaten something that your body can’t digest. The

outer shells of corn kernels, for example, are made of cellulose, which is

totally indigestible by your body. If you pulled those kernels out (I don’t

recommend this), you would find the inside of the shell is gone because

the inside is digestible. Sometimes you’ll see fibers from vegetables, or shells

from seeds in your stool as well. If you swallowed a coin, or a pebble, that

would be in there too. (Any frantic mom whose child swallowed any of

these can attest to that.)

Floaters—turds that float in the bowl—are poops with gas in them. If

you drink a lot of carbonated drinks, you will most likely have floaters.

Sinkers don’t have as much gas. Either is fine. It just depends on your diet.

What happens:
You poop fine, but sometimes it’s a strange color, like green

or black.

What this says:
You eat colorful stuff. Dark green veg-

Your healthcare provider

gies like spinach will turn your poop greenish. Artificial

should always evaluate

blue dye, like in Gatorade and blue ice pops, will turn your

persistent black or light-

poop a bright green (almost like “glow in the dark” green).

colored stools.

Beets will turn your stools much darker (and will turn your

pee a beautiful sunset color!).

Not all colors are normal. Light- or clay-colored stools could mean there

is a problem with your liver, and you should be evaluated by your healthcare

professional. Yellow stools can sometimes mean there is a blood disorder,

as it is the broken-down “dead” red blood cells that are digested that give

poop its brown color.

Black, sticky stools mean that you are breaking down and digesting living

red blood cells—that is, you are bleeding somewhere in your digestive tract.

(Those vampires must have some black stools, eh?) Dark stools can also be

the result of certain medications or iron supplements.

What happens:
You know poop stinks, but this is unbearable!

What this says:
You are probably a meat eater. Digested meat is stinkier

than digested veggies. Certain other foods like spicy beans produce gasses

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in your bowel that produce noxious smells as well. Doody also is loaded

with bacteria;
E. coli
is the main one. The presence of bacteria is normal and

is actually necessary for normal poop production. These bacteria produce

gasses when they grow and reproduce. It is these gasses that smell.

If the smell is bad but strange, and you see fatty snot in your poop, you

may have fat collecting in your stool. This is not normal as fat is normally

digested and processed in your stomach and small intestines. If there’s fat

in your BM, something in that process is not working, and it should be

checked out by a healthcare professional.

What happens:
You go three times a day, and it’s very soft or liquid. You

feel bloated and get cramps a lot.

What this says:
This probably happens when you have a deadline at work

coming up or have to give a speech. Acute stress, or high-level stress for a

short period of time, can cause your body to become hyperactive and this

also translates to your bowels. If the stool is pushed through your intestines

too quickly, there is no time for the water to be reabsorbed into the body,

so the extra water comes out along with the other waste.

A virus can also cause inflammation of the bowel and spasms, causing

the stool to be moved along too fast. Intestinal viruses usually move through

your system in a few days.

Prolonged loose stools can cause severe dehydration. Any prolonged

diarrhea that lasts for more than a week or that is accompanied by fever or

blood should always be evaluated by a professional.
Diarrhea in children is

particularly dangerous as they can become dehydrated very quickly.

Many occasional loose stool problems are diet related. Dairy is the usual

culprit. Sweeteners like sorbitol or xylitol are also to blame.

What happens:
You usually poop daily and usually at the same time. Your

poo is soft but formed, and it is described as a snake rather than a short

sausage. It is light brown to medium brown in color. There is no pain or

effort in production. There is no “plopping” sound.

What this says:
You have mastered the art of truly Zen bowel movements.

You are healthy and get plenty of water (as a general rule, 64 ounces or

2 liters daily, consumed throughout the day). Raw fruits and veggies are a

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main staple of your diet. You don’t eat a lot of dairy, white starch (white

rice, white pasta, bread), or processed food. You exercise regularly and are

able to control your stress.

Bravo! You are the Kung-poo Master!

Healthy bowels will also reduce your risk of colorectal cancer. Guidelines

for colorectal cancer screening start at age fifty. See Health Tip #38 for sug-

gested screening tests.

Here are some fun poop facts:

●
You can have from 5 to 25 pounds of stool in your body depending on

your size and type of diet.

●
Close the lid on the toilet before you flush! The flushing

agitates the water (and feces) so that tiny droplets of water

Your health depends

can be hurled up to 20 feet. (I’m betting it’s less than that

on your ability to

to your toothbrush, isn’t it?)

eliminate waste. Make

sure your bathroom

●
Using witch hazel, an inexpensive, natural, soothing agent

experience is a

can ease the pain and inflammation of hemorrhoids.

beautiful thing.

Soothing witch hazel soaked pads can be found in phar-

macies or online.

●
Bird poop is white and pasty because birds can’t urinate, so their digestive

tract mixes everything together and it all comes out at once—right on

your freshly washed car!

●
Some say processed, “chemically enhanced” foods never really leave your

digestive tract. That means, depending on what you were fed, you prob-

ably have some food from when you were a baby in your gut right now.

Important note:
If you think there is something wrong with your bowels, please

see your doctor. None of this information should be used to diagnose or treat you.