Tilt (43 page)

unwanted? A lack of consensus

there, and your rock-solid

devotion becomes

fragile

as delicate crystal, and as sharp

when it shatters. It will slice

you to the bone. And you

barely feel a

thing.

Shane

Delicate

Shelby has always been that.

Frail.

Fragile.

Easily broken.

But now she is something else.

Sheer.

Gossamer.

Ethereal.

She’s like some mythical creature.

Elf.

Fairy.

Sprite.

Trying to outfly the coming storm.

Downpour.

Tornado.

Hurricane.

But it’s catching up to her fast.

There’s Nothing I Can Do

Except watch her lose ground.

Nothing anyone can do, but

ease her passing. I try to help.

I empty the trash can in her room.

Don’t want her to have to smell

diapers. Don’t want Mom to smell

them either. She won’t leave

Shelby’s bedside. Dad hovers

there, too, singing lullabies and

old Beatles songs. Gram spends

all her time in the kitchen cooking

chili and soup and other stuff

no one has an appetite for. I eat

it, if only to make her happy.

But I also escape the house often.

Alex comes and gets me, says I

shouldn’t drive in my condition.

Like hollow and drunk are synonymous.

He’ll Be Here Soon

I sit on my bed, petting Gaga,

who has claimed my pillow

for herself like a regular queen.

I guess I don’t mind sharing it.

“I’m glad I don’t have to hide

you anymore.” Gram discovered

her while I was at school. Mom

insisted I go the last couple of days.

What good will it do for you to

stay here and stress?
she asked.

So I went to school and stressed

instead. And yesterday Gram

heard Gaga mewing. Asking

for attention. She’s kind of an

attention hog. When I got home,

I found Gram in my room,

scooping the litter box while

Gaga purred on my pillow.

I think it’s time someone here had

a pet,
Gram said.
Good for the soul.

I Don’t Know About That

But I do know it’s nice having

something to comfort me at night.

Something alive to chase away

all thoughts of death that haunt me

while I try to sleep. I was eleven

when Grandma died—plowed down

while crossing the street. I don’t think

there was a whole lot left of her, because

they kept the casket closed. I remember

sitting at the funeral, wondering what

that coffin concealed. Had nightmares

about it popping open to let me see inside.

I’m sure Gaga’s snuggles are about her

need for affection, but when I lie in bed,

praying I don’t have death nightmares,

it sure seems like she tries to make me feel

better. Maybe that’s what Gram meant

about her being good for my soul.

Someone’s at the Front Door

The sound of the bell reverberates

in the hallway, followed by the slight

clip-clip
of Gram’s footsteps. Alex?

But when I go to see, it isn’t him.

It’s Mom’s friend, Drew. Gram

steps back from the door and from

here I can see Drew’s genuine smile.

Leah. You look amazing.
He gives

her a giant hug.
So sorry we have to

meet again under these circumstances.

Gram pulls away, assesses Drew,

scalp to toenails.
How many years

has it been? Thirty?
Now she looks

at the stuffed Barney he’s carrying.

That was so thoughtful of you.

The doorbell rings again. Gram

lets Alex in before showing Drew

the way to Shelby’s room. He waves

at me as he starts up the hallway.

I’d like to know him better. He’s cool.

Alex Trails Them

Until they disappear behind

Shelby’s door. I can hear a flurry

of greetings. What’s unusual

is how cordial Dad sounds.

He can’t stand having Drew

around. Alex reaches my side,

gives me a quick kiss.
Who

was that with your grandma?

I take his hand, pull him into

my room before I answer.

“Drew is Mom’s best friend,

and he used to be her boyfriend.”

Really? Before or after your dad?

He smiles at his own lame joke,

jumps onto my bed next to Gaga.

“He was her first boyfriend.

In Oregon, when she was a kid.

They all lived on a commune

together. Gram. Gramps. Mom.

Aunt Andrea. And assorted others,

including Drew and his parents.”

Sounds, um, interesting, to say

the very least. And did they all

move to Reno together, too?

“Right. No, the story goes Gram

told Gramps she was finished

with the open marriage thing and

he had the choice to come with

her or stay behind. He chose

his family and northern Nevada.

Drew moved to Tahoe a few years

ago, after he got divorced. Mom won’t

say so, but I think he wanted to be close

just in case something happened

between Dad and her.” I don’t mention