The Proposal (36 page)

“You have forgiven yourself, then?” she asked.

He had stopped walking and was standing with his back against a tree, his arms folded across his chest.

“It’s funny, isn’t it?” he said. “Carstairs has lived with guilt all these years even though he spoke up for retreat at the time and a saving of at least some of the men’s lives. And even though he was badly wounded in the attack and has suffered the consequences ever since. He feels guilt because he believes his instinct was cowardly and my actions were
right
. He hates me, but he believes I was right.”

“You
were
right,” she said. “You have always known that.”

He shook his head slowly.

“I do not believe there is right or wrong,” he said. “There is only doing what one must do under given circumstances and living with the consequences and weaving every experience, good and bad, into the fabric of one’s life so that ultimately one can see the pattern of it all and accept the lessons life has taught. We were never expected to achieve perfection in one lifetime, Gwendoline. Religious people would say that is what heaven is for. I think that would be a shame. It’s too easy and too lazy. I would prefer to think that perhaps we are given a second chance—and a third and a thirty-third—to get everything right.”

“Reincarnation?” she said.

“Is that what it is called?” He dropped his arms to his sides and looked at her. “I wonder if I would meet the same woman in each life and discover each time that there was a problem. And would the solution that came to mind be foolhardy or brave? To be resisted or embraced? Wrong or right? You see what I mean?”

She stepped forward and stood against him, spread her hands over his chest and rested her forehead between them. She felt his heartbeat and his warmth and inhaled the strangely enticing smells of cologne and man and sheep.

“Oh, Hugo,” she said.

The fingers of one hand caressed her neck.

“Yes,” he said softly, “I have forgiven myself for being alive.”

“I love you,” she said into the fabric of his neckcloth.

For a moment she was horrified. Had she really spoken aloud? He did not reply. But he bent his head and kissed her softly and briefly in the hollow between her shoulder and neck.

And so the words had been spoken aloud—by her at least. And really it did not matter. He must know anyway. Just as she knew that he loved her.

Did
she know that?

Of course she did. He had just said so in other words.
I wonder if I would meet the same woman in each life …

Love might not be enough. He had said as much in London when he had come to tell her he was not going to court her.

And then again, it might be.

Perhaps love was everything. Perhaps
that
was what they would learn if they had thirty-three lifetimes together.

“Some people have wilderness walks on their estates,” he said. “I have thought maybe I ought to have one too. But they usually have hills and masses of trees and views and prospects and all sorts of other attractions. I have none of those things. A wilderness walk here would be just that—a walk through the wilderness. It would be silly.”

“Daft?” she said, lifting her head and looking up at him.

He tipped his head to one side.

“That is not a very elegant word for a lady to use,” he said.

She laughed.

“A definite path meandering through the woods would be pleasant,” she said. “And there is room here for more trees, perhaps some rhododendrons or other flowering trees or bushes. Perhaps a few flowers that would grow well in the shade and not be too gaudy. Bluebells in the spring, for example. Daffodils. There could be some seats, especially in places where there is something to look out upon. I noticed a few moments ago that I could see the spire of the church in the village. I daresay farther along here we will see the house. There could be a little summer pavilion, somewhere to sit even when it is raining. Somewhere to be quiet and relax. Or read. It is what Crosslands is all about, after all, and why you were attracted to it. It is not a place that is spectacular for its picturesque beauty and its prospects, but just a plain statement of something good—of the peace and joy that come with the ordinary, perhaps.”

He was gazing down into her eyes.

“It would not need fountains and statues and topiary gardens and rose arbors and boating lakes and alleys and mazes and Lord knows what else?” he said. “The park, I mean.”

She shook her head.

“It could do with a few delicate touches here and there,” she said, “but not much. It is lovely as it is.”

“But a bit on the barren side?” he said.

“Just a bit.”

“And the house?” he said.

“The paintings need to go.” She smiled at him. “Was the house fully furnished when you purchased it?”

“It was,” he said. “It was built by a man who, like my father, made his money in trade. He built it with all the best materials and furnished it with all the best furniture and never actually lived in it. He left it to his son when he died. But his son did not want it. He went off to America, to make his own fortune, I suppose, and left the house for an agent to sell.”

Sad, she thought.

“Just as I went off to war and left my own father,” he said.

“But you came back,” she reminded him, “and saw him before he died. You were able to assure him that you would take over from him and care for his business and his wife and daughter.”

“And I have just realized something else,” he said. “It would have broken his heart if I had been killed. So I am glad for his sake I did not die.”

“And for my sake?” she said.

He framed her face with his great hands and held it tilted up to his.

“I am not sure I am much of a gift,” he said. “What do you think of my family and Connie’s?”

“They are people,” she said. “Strangers who will become acquaintances, even perhaps friends during the coming days. They are not so very different from me, Hugo, and perhaps they will find that I am not so very different from them. I look forward to getting to know them all.”

“A diplomatic answer,” he said.

And perhaps a little naïve,
his expression seemed to say. Perhaps it was. Her life was as different as it could possibly be from that of Mavis Rowlands, for example. But that did not mean they could not enjoy each other’s company, find common ground upon which to converse. Or was
that
a naïve belief?

“A truthful answer,” she said. “What about Mr. Tucker?”

“What about him?” he asked.

“He is not a relative,” she said. “Is there something between Constance and him?”

“I think there may be,” he said. “He owns the ironmonger’s shop next to her grandparents’ grocery. He is sensible and intelligent and amiable.”

“I like him,” she said. “Constance is going to have a wide variety of choices, is she not?”

“The thing is,” he said, “that she thinks your boys, the ones you introduce to her at balls and parties, are sweet, to use her word, but a bit silly. They do not
do
anything with their lives.”

“Oh, dear.” She laughed. “She has told you that too, has she?”

“But she is enormously grateful to you,” he said. “And even if she marries Tucker or someone else not of the
ton,
she will always remember what it felt like to dance at a
ton
ball and to stroll in the garden of an aristocrat. And she will remember that she might have married one of their number but chose love and happiness instead.” “And she could not find either with a gentleman?” she asked him.

“She could.” He sighed. “And indeed she may. As you say, she has choices. She is a sensible girl. She will choose, I believe, with both her head and her heart, but not one to the exclusion of the other.”

And you?
she wanted to ask him.
Will you choose with both your head and your heart?
She said nothing but patted her hands against his chest.

“I am going to have to take you back to the house soon,” he said, “if you are to have any sort of rest before dinner. Why are we wasting our time talking?”

She gazed into his eyes.

He bent his head and kissed her openmouthed. She slid her hands to his shoulders and gripped them tightly. A wave of intense yearning, both physical and emotional, washed over her. This was his home. This was where he would spend much of the rest of his life. Would she be here with him? Or would this prove to be just a weeklong episode and nothing else? Not even a week, in fact.

He lifted his head and brushed his nose across hers.

“Shall I tell you my deepest, darkest dream?” he asked her.

“Is it suitable for the ears of a lady?” she asked in return.

“Not in any way whatsoever,” he said.

“Then tell me.”

“I want to have you in my bedchamber in my own house,” he said. “On my bed. I want to unclothe you a stitch at a time and love every inch of you, and make love to you over and over again until we are both too exhausted to do it anymore. I want to sleep with you then until we have our energy back and start all over again.”

“Oh, dear,” she said, “that really
is
unsuitable for my ears. I feel quite weak at the knees.”

“I am going to do it too,” he said, “one of these days.
We
are going to do it. Not yet, though. Not in the house, anyway. Not while I have guests. It would not be proper.”

Not in the house, anyway.

“It would not,” she agreed. “And Hugo? I cannot have children.”

Now why had she had to introduce reality into fantasy?

“You don’t
know
that,” he said.

“I did not conceive in that cove at Penderris,” she said.

“I mounted you once,” he said. “And I was not even trying.”

“But what if—?”

He kissed her again and took his time about it too. She slid her arms about his neck.

“That is the excitement of life,” he said when he was finished. “The not knowing. It is often best not to know. We don’t
know
that we will ever actually make love all night on my bed at the house here, do we? But we can dream about it. And I
think
it will happen. There will come the time, Gwendoline, when you will be drenched with my seed. And I
think
at least one of them will take root. And if it does not, at least we will have fun trying.”

She felt breathless again and considerably weaker about the knees. And she could hear the sound of children’s voices approaching from a distance. Typically of children, they all appeared to be talking—or, rather, yelling—at once.

“Explorers,” he said, “heading this way.”

“Yes,” she said and took a step back from him.

He offered his arm and she took it. And the world was the same place.

And forever different.

Hugo had worked hard during his years as a military officer, probably harder than most since he had so much to prove—to them, to himself. He had worked hard during the previous few weeks, learning the businesses again, taking the reins of control into his own hands, making it all his own. Yet it seemed to him during the course of the stay in the country that he had never worked harder than he did now.

Being sociable was hard work. Being sociable when one had all the responsibility of being host was infinitely harder. One had everyone’s enjoyment to see to. And it was not always easy.

He doubted he had ever enjoyed any week so much.

Providing entertainment was actually no trouble at all. Even a rather barren park was like a little piece of heaven to people who had lived their lives in London, and a very small piece of London at that, as was the case with Fiona’s relatives. And even to his own relatives, most of whom had traveled a little more widely, the chance to wander about in a private park for almost a whole week without the press of work and the continuous noises of a large city was a wonderful thing. And the house delighted everyone, even those who could see its shortcomings. Hugo, who had never been able to explain to himself what exactly was wrong with the house, now knew. His predecessor had furnished and decorated it all-in-one, probably using the services of a professional designer. It was expensive, it was elegant, and it was impersonal. It had never been lived in—not until he moved in last year, that was. Those of his guests who could see the problem amused themselves by wandering about endlessly and making suggestions. His relatives had never been shy.

There was a billiard room that proved popular. There were no musical instruments. There was a library, its walls lined from floor to ceiling with shelves, all of them filled with great blocks of books that Hugo was almost certain no one had read or even opened before him. He had read precious few of them himself, not being particularly partial to books of sermons or books of the laws of ancient Greece or books of poetry by Latin poets he had never heard of—and
in
Latin too. But even those books amused some of his relatives, and all the children loved the moving stairs and darted up and down them and stood together to push them to different locations and made imaginary carriages and hot-air balloons out of them and even a tower from which to screech for rescue from any prince who happened to be passing below.

Fiona’s family tended to huddle together for confidence—for the first day or so, at least. But with Hugo’s help Mavis and Harold discovered common ground with the other young parents among his cousins, and Hilda and Paul were soon drawn into the company of those of the cousins who were not married or who did not yet have children. Hugo made sure that Mrs. Rowlands met all his aunts face to face, and she developed something of a friendship with Aunt Barbara, five years younger than Aunt Henrietta and rather less of a regal matriarch. Mr. Rowlands fell in with some of the uncles and seemed reasonably comfortable with them.

Fiona did not once mention her health in Hugo’s hearing. It must have become clear to her after the first day that the Emes side of the family was not looking upon her with contempt but actually deferred to her as his hostess. And obviously she was the grand, adored one of her own family. She bloomed before Hugo’s eyes, restored to health and mature beauty.