The Accidental Genie (30 page)

They each paused in reflective silence.

Then she cocked her head at him. “I just don’t get it . . .”

Nekaar’s sigh was dramatic and drawn out. “I do not, either, madam. However, I blame everything on Burt. He is the—”

“Feces of a thousand camels. I know, I know.” She waved a weak hand at him. “His black soul is neither here nor there. So how did Victor get mixed up with Burt?”

“It is as I stated. When Victor was released from the bottle, my surprise was great. Little did I know, his visit to your bottle left him with the gift of the djinn. Burt followed me to your home and popped in at the very moment Victor was holding me captive. The rest is, as you say, history.”

Right. Bad dude meets another bad dude and they make beautiful bad music together. Now she really shook her head. “So Victor’s djinn because of one screwed-up curse. And all these rules, they just keep changing. Could we please just have one set of rules?”

“Again, madam, it is my duty to remind you that your powers are far greater than even you realize. There are no rules in your case, as yet. Clearly, in this Victor’s case anyway, they remain askew. It is as I said before; your bottle contains djinn magic. The point is rather moot, wouldn’t you agree? Victor is now djinn. Thusly, when Burt followed here, demanding I tell him of your whereabouts, he and Victor found a common bond.”

“
Me
, and their hatred thereof.”

“It is so, madam.”

Jeannie snorted, then winced when her nose began to throb. “So I’m sure there was a lot of smack talk about me. Stuff like ‘I’ll get that bitch if it’s the last thing I do.’ And ‘Damn her for getting all the power. Let’s join interveil forces. Make a dirty deal, and get the bitch,’ right?”

Nekaar’s face fell, despair lining it. “Oh, the things they said about your person, madam. All lies, I say!” he whisper-yelled. “Alas, yes. That is what occurred. In return for Victor’s help with stripping you of your ruling powers in ritual fashion, Burt cut a deal, as Victor called it.”

“Which was?”

“Victor would help Burt strip you of your powers, powers that are, as I said, currently stronger than any other djinn. Yet, it is my understanding, through their despicable conversations, when Burt cast this spell upon you, due to lack of thorough research, he spoke a portion of the words incorrectly.”

Jeannie rolled her eyes. “Well, duh. What does Burt do correctly?”

Nekaar grimaced. “The spell, while strong, was not completed. Burt however, has come upon the actual book with the correct spell in its entirety. Thus, he plans to steal your powers and merge them with the powers from the spell in the book. Should he complete this, it will make him virtually omnipotent. This is totally unacceptable, madam. With such magic available to him, Burt’s reign will be that of terror and treachery!”

Oh, Jesus. “So I’m betting my fez, somehow, we have to keep Burt from getting my power and the other power.” Or some power.

Nekaar winced. “Yes. We must find a way to give the rest of this magic to you. You would be the kinder, fairer ruler.”

“And what does Victor get out of this again?”

“Burt will allow Victor to remain djinn.”

Jeannie shook her head. “If you think Burt was trouble in Genie Land, my friend, you have no idea the kind of feces of a thousand camels Victor is. And as an FYI, in my former life, he was a drug lord. A big one—like on the FBI’s most-wanted list. He killed people, Nekaar. He killed a small child.
A child
. He’s not afraid to take someone out, and he definitely wouldn’t be afraid to join forces with a dolt like Burt—one he can run roughshod over. He knows how to run an operation.”
Oh, God.
“So this is bad.”

Nekaar’s head bounced up and down, catching the light on his glistening head. “So bad.”

She wasn’t giving up yet. Not yet. She grabbed Nekaar’s hand and squeezed it, even though they were raw and scabbing over from yesterday. “We need to think, Nekaar. Really think. Like dig deep into your genie brain and think of something to get us out of this. We need to find a way to restore my power, your power,
someone’s
power.”

“I shall ponder, madam. Might I ask for a peaceful setting in which to do so?”

Jeannie nodded, then turned to her left and finally addressed the stranger’s presence. “Jeannie Carlyle. You are?”

“Najim, ex-head genie.”

Aha. “Right, the current reigning great and powerful Oz. Good to finally meet you. I hear you’ve had quite an ordeal.”

His smile was crooked, his youthful face the color of light teak. “In a nutshell.”

“So Burt’s had you all this time?”

He winced and she wasn’t sure if it was in shame or he was in pain. He looked pretty roughed up. “Scum of the Veils Burt. Yep. He’s who kidnapped me.”

Concern flooded her. He might be older in years than her, but he mostly looked like a fifteen-year-old. A tired, fed-up fifteen-year-old. When she’d pictured the Big Kahuna of genies in her mind, he’d been wearing long flowing robes to match his long, flowing beard. Oh, and he’d had a wizard’s hat on. Wrong fairy tale.

“I don’t mind saying, I’m completely confused. What good did kidnapping you do?”

Najim sighed. “Burt thought I knew how to find out where he could locate my replacement with my
special powers
.”

Jeannie nodded, blowing a wisp of her hair from her mouth. “So Burt knew he’d created a new ruler, but when I let him out of the bottle, he meant for that new ruler to be him, except he screwed up the curse and gave it all to me.” Saying it out loud helped define it for her.

“Irony, yes?” Najim looked defeated.

“She reached out her hand to Najim. “Are you okay? Did he hurt you?”

“You mean aside from the headache from all of that whack Burt’s screaming because he didn’t know how to find you, or the right hook to the head when I mistakenly giggled—my critical bad, BTW, after he found out that he was essentially the one who sort of handed it to you? I’m golden. Nay, I’m platinum.”

Jeannie’s glance was sheepish. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. If we get out of this, I’ll grant you, like, deluxe vacay. Somewhere warm. Soothing. Spa trip, maybe?”

“You’re awesomely kind,” was Najim’s reply as he stretched a long, lean leg covered in a whole new level of cool genie garb out in front of him.

“Soooo, thoughts on where we’re at?” She lifted the cuff surrounding his ankle and massaged the place where they had begun to dig into his beautiful skin.

“Not a one. I apologize. It’s been a rough week. Add to that, my magic is waning due to your life-force suck.”

She snuck a glance upward at him—so calm, so resigned. “Yeah. Who knew, right?” According to Nekaar, since she’d unwittingly become mondo genie, she’d also been draining Najim’s power. “So, are you kind of pissed that I took your title? I don’t want there to be hard feelings. If there’s a way to give it back, and you know, on the off chance we live, I’m on it.”

“The djinn with the most power wins. End of.”

“But are you all gonna grudge on me because of it? You know, in secret, while you plot my overthrow on Facebook?”

Najim snorted. “Oh, hells to the no. It means I can catch up on my Netflix.”

His reply, full of disinterest and boredom, sent an APB to her brain. “You do know your people are doomed if Victor and Burt become the controlling parties, don’t you?”

He shook his shortly cropped, dark hair, his blacker than black eyes bright and determined. “They’re not my people anymore, lady. They’re yours, and I have to tell you, it’s a relief. I’m exhausted. You have no idea what thousands and thousands of years of ruling can do to a soul. The djinn dress code alone is hard enough. Add in the fact that I have no life, I hardly ever date, and it’s purgatory.”

She nodded. “Yeah. Not a fan of the harem pants, either. Maybe, if we live to see this through, something can be done about them and those push-up bras.”

Najim sighed. “Also, if you live, you might want to look into the traffic problem in veil four. I get more complaints about this one intersection there than any other veil.”

“Huh,” she muttered, pondering the idea that she’d actually have to deal with traffic violations. “So here we are. Two great and powerful Ozs and one average djinn. What to do, what to do, boys?”

Mat coughed from the bed, hacking and phlegm filled, startling them.

She’d forgotten about Mat and apparently, so had Burt and Victor.

Score!

It was slim, but it was hope redefined in a sort of brokeback way.

The three of them looked at each other, but it was Nekaar’s eyes that narrowed with sinister glee. “I believe I have a plan, madam.”

Jeannie’s eyes narrowed, too.

She prayed it was a good plan.

As of right now, they were livin’ on a prayer.

And in the words of the great Bon Jovi—Oo-wa-oowa-oowa-oo.

CHAPTER

17

Sloan paced the length of OOPS, glaring at Nina, Wanda, and Marty. “Something’s just not right. I know it. She sounded strange.”

Nina scoffed, twirling around in her office chair. “Like you’d fucking know what sounds like
normal
from her, Sloan? Jesus. You hardly know her at all. And hell to the low, you don’t even know what the shit normal is period. Maybe she just needed a second to breathe, dude. I know you find that shiz hard to believe, but there are some chicks left in the world who don’t want to be up your ass twenty-four-seven.”

He slammed his fist down on the desk, making the phone leap in the air and scattering the colorful sticky pads. “Something’s not right, Nina, and it has nothing to do with my charm or lack thereof. If you don’t wanna back me the hell up, I’ll go myself!” he roared, grabbing his keys and wallet.

Wanda popped out of her chair in a huff of silk and heels. “Sloan!” She pointed to the chair. “Sit—this instant!” Squaring her shoulders, she inhaled, then turned to him. “Look, Jeannie was in personal crisis while whatever intimacy went down between the two of you, and we’ve told you what the typical reactions to those crises are. Emotions run high—very high. Add in the fact that yesterday was brutal from what Nina shared with us. I mean, she did finally beat her inner demons, didn’t she? Maybe she just needs time to absorb all of this. Just give her time, Sloan. Just because you say it should happen, doesn’t mean it will.”

Marty rose and put her hands on his shoulders, massaging the tight muscles of his neck. “That’s what having a real relationship with a woman who has a brain is like, werewolf. I think you have some adjusting to do, too.”

He clenched his jaw and his fists in unison. No. That’s not what this was. He was attuned to Jeannie. He understood the inflection in her voice; he knew the rise and fall of it like he knew his own name. And something wasn’t right.

If they didn’t want to find out what the hell it was, he’d do it alone.

*   *   *

B
URT
lit the last candle while Victor tightened the chains around their ankles. He lingered at Jeannie’s, twisting them so taut she had to bite the inside of her lip to keep from screaming. Blood ran down her ankle and dripped onto her floor where they cut into her bone.

And her anger grew. Goddamn him. Every time she was anywhere near him, she was the one who ended up needing a surgeon.

Nekaar growled low, baring his teeth at Victor, who laughed in mockery. “Shut the fuck up, fairy,” he threatened in harsh tones, pressing a gun to Nekaar’s temple—which, now that his powers had been stripped, essentially left him killable.

Reaching behind her, Jeannie grabbed Nekaar’s finger and squeezed it. To rile Victor was to wake the sleeping beast. Let him think he’d won. Her stomach roiled, filled with a sour, acidic burn at what they were about to try to pull off. And then she closed her eyes and prayed that Nekaar’s crazy plan would work.

As Victor gave Nekaar a final shove and went back to his tasks in the kitchen, Jeannie vaguely wondered what he planned to do with a spatula, some baking soda, and a meat tenderizer. She leaned into Nekaar and whispered, “Is this like the MacGyver of power stripping? Or is he just baking cookies for the Burt Reigns Supreme after party?”

“Oh, madam, betwixt the two, they nary share a fully functioning brain. Did you expect less?”

Leaning to her left, she eyeballed Najim. “Thoughts? Hints? Any visible clues as to what this curse is about, oh wise one?”

“You know,” Najim whispered back, his breath smelling faintly of jasmine, “I wanna say chocolate cake, but I don’t get where the meat tenderizer comes in. I’m as stumped as you.”

A shuffling noise from Burt’s scuffed, torn sandals made them all sit up while Jeannie kept half an eye on Mat, who hadn’t stirred.

Burt leaned down and chucked her under the chin. The T-shirt he wore
did
smell like the stench of a thousand desert mongers, torn and streaked with dirt. His sandaled feet were grimy, his toenails embedded with grunge, and his breath reeked of beer and cigarettes. She fought not to gag. Instead, she lifted her chin and gazed right back at his sunken eye sockets.

He pinched her skin, twisting it between his yellow-stained fingertips. “Look at this shit, would ya? I gave you all the power. Just gave it to you with one stupid spell. Can you even believe how awesome I am?”

As Nekaar squeezed her finger, the signal that Mat had slithered successfully from the bed, she enacted phase one of the plan. Mock Burt. Mock hard.

“Your IQ must be at least in the double digits to have given me all this power instead of giving it to
yourself
.” She smiled up at him, squeezing Nekaar’s fingers again to quiet him when he snorted at her snark. “And from what I hear, you still didn’t get it right, because these powers that I have, you know the powers you want to complete your spell? Fucked up, buddy. You might wanna reconsider taking my magic from me and finishing up this half-assed spell you conjured up. The Great Djinn only knows what you’ll screw up next.”

But Burt didn’t seem to get the joke. He flicked at her lips with his fingers. “This will all be over in seconds. You won’t know what hit you.”

Jeannie didn’t flinch. She kept her eyes fixed on him. “Did you hear me? Are you sure you got it right this time, Burt?” she taunted, stalling him and praying it was enough time for Mat to get back to the bedroom while Victor was in the kitchen and Burt was taking her verbal beating. “I mean, you did give me this power when you could have given it to yourself. That would have been the easier plan. I hear you get things kinda backward sometimes. It happens. I don’t want to judge, but word around town is you suck as a genie.”

He leaned back on his haunches; the thin braid trailing from the back of his head fell over his shoulder. His blank eyes now held confusion. “Did you just make fun of me?”

“A total and utter mockery,” she said, with a somber gaze.

Now his confusion doubled, making his dull eyes almost bright. “A
what
?”

Nekaar, clearly fed up with his brother’s asshattery, snapped. “Oh, you insufferable fool! Yes. She is making fun at your idiotic expense. Oh, Burt. How could you?” Nekaar spat. “How could you betray your own kind this way?”

Burt’s face fell, but he was in and engaged, and that’s all they needed. “Shut up, Nekaar! I screw things up sometimes. So I gave her all the power? Big deal. Now I’ll just get it back.”

Her eyes flashed a warning at Nekaar. He needed to tap some of that emotionless stuff he was so good at. “So here’s the thing, Burt. If you didn’t know you were doing it the first time, how do you know you’re doing it right this time?”

He shrugged his thin shoulders. “I guess we’ll find out,” he said on a grin. What Nekaar said about his brother was true. He was reckless. Oh, and smelly.

Burt stood to leave, claiming he had to help Victor, but Nekaar squeezed her finger again, signaling they needed just a bit more time. “But wait! How did you find this curse? I mean, I’ve gotten a bunch of brides to be pregnant—all at once. I sent people to hell, buddy.
Hell.
I’m a perfect example of genie magic gone kaplooey. What if you blow up Genie-dom? There’ll be nothing to rule but ashes. And all the bottle dwellers in Bottle-ville will haz a sad.”

Burt paused for a moment as though he, too, wondered what he’d do, but then he shrugged again. “I won’t. I have the directions on how to do it.”

Plant that seed of doubt, Jeannie, and water the shit out of it.
“But where did the directions come from? Maybe they’re bad directions like the first set of directions you found. You know, like sometimes on a hot day when your satellite on your GPS gets overheated. It messes up. I had a GPS system that would talk to me in French when it was overheated.
Oui, oui!
How do you know the directions aren’t in French? Where did you get them?”

Now Burt looked like he was unsure. He jammed his hands into his MC Hammer pants and waffled, jumping from foot to foot. “I got them from a book in the library.”

Ah. So the book she and Sloan had gone looking for was
the
book Nekaar had spoken of when he’d overheard Victor and Burt in the kitchen. Burt had taken it from the library. “A book? You got this power-meld curse from a
book
?” she asked in whispered disbelief.

Burt’s face fell again. He twisted the braid at his shoulder with a grimy finger. “Well, some was from the Internet.”

“And the Internet never lies, right, Burt?” Jeannie shook her head in open disapproval and clucked her tongue for good measure. “Oh, Burt . . . Whatever shall we do with you?”

Seconds before Victor’s return, Jeannie caught Mat’s return to his place on the bed. He lay motionless as though he’d never left. She fought a sigh of relief and a scream of triumph.

Victor suddenly loomed in front of them. Standing behind Burt, he reached over his shoulder and went straight for Jeannie’s neck. “Violence?” she squeaked. “So predictable, Victor.”

“Shut up, you bitch!”
he screamed, making Burt jump back and fall to the floor. Victor shoved her back to the wall with a hard crack to her head, his face full of hot rage.

She fought the whimper of pain in her skull and sucked in a shuddering breath of air as Victor went for Burt. “Get up, you dumb ass! Didn’t I tell you not to talk to her? Now get out there and help me!” he bellowed, pointing a shaky finger toward the kitchen.

Burt skittered backward in a crablike walk before rolling over and jumping to his feet to do Victor’s bidding.

Nekaar squeezed her fingers again, his tone worried. “Madam, do you fare well?”

Najim reached out a hand to her head to examine the back of it to find blood. “He’s an animal!” he spat. “Are you all right?”

Jeannie gulped and swallowed hard, seeing stars behind her eyelids. “I’m fine. I survived several plastic surgeries among other things after Victor had his way with me the first time. A bump like this is like a trip to Disneyland.” Yet, her little trip to Disneyland felt like she’d just ridden the teacup ride—over and over. Nausea assaulted her stomach and her ribs throbbed with screaming fire.

“Madam!” Nekaar shook her as she felt herself begin to fade, his whisper-yell urgent. “You must stay with us just a bit longer. They will come for you soon!”

“Mat!” she whispered, inching as close to the bed as her dizzy spell and newest aches and pains would allow. “Mat! Did you get the spell?”

*   *   *

“D
UDE,
wait the hell up!”

Sloan, head down, turned the corner to Jeannie’s just as he heard Nina’s voice from behind him. He stopped short and turned to glare at her, the air from his lungs huffing from his mouth with condensation. “Vampire? Aren’t you supposed to be back with the Jeannie Doesn’t Want You Up Her Ass Twenty-four-seven club?” he mimicked in a female voice.

Nina tightened her hoodie around her face before punching him in the arm. “Oh, shut the fuck up, ass sniffer. I just got a bad feeling, and decided to come see for myself. I figure if she doesn’t want to see your cad ass, she’ll at least see mine. ’Cus I’m a girl, and all.”

“So you believe me when I say something’s not right?”

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I just know Jeannie digs you, and I’m pretty fucking sure what you told us didn’t sound like her. She’d have been down with this surprise you planned for her. So let’s go see, dude. Because if somebody’s got my midget, shit’s gonna fly.”

He assessed her for a moment, dark and beautiful, and admired her loyalty to Jeannie. Whatever the bond was between the two of them, he didn’t get it. He was just glad for it. “You do know if this has something to do with the djinn, as paranormals we’re not immune to spells and curses, right?”

“Like I’d let that shit stop me?” She shot him a look of disbelief. “Do you even know me at all, dude? I don’t give a shit if we go down, but I’m gonna fight like hell when I do. We can’t just leave her helpless and defenseless. Not happenin’.”

Sloan held out his hand to her. “I appreciate this.”

Nina grasped it but for a moment, then shook it off. “You didn’t think I was gonna let you pull a kamikaze on your own, did you? Just because I think you’re a pig, doesn’t mean I don’t have your sweat-hog back. Now quit with the girlie talk and let’s roll.” She pointed to the stairs of the brownstone.

He took them two at a time, his nose flaring at the scent of danger and his heart crashing at the thought of losing Jeannie.

*   *   *

C
alm,
don’t fail me now.
Jeannie repeated the words in her head as Nekaar mouthed the word “
Phoenix
.”

Right. Plan Phoenix. Which was in Arizona, but had nothing to do with the plan. But it did, if she recalled, have something to do with Jack Bauer.

Oh, yes. She was going to be the Jack Bauer of genies and take the hit.

A big, fat, save–Genie Land hit.

She sent up one last prayer of thanks that Victor had somehow become distracted from his evil, power-stealing plan when Burt entered the kitchen and they began to joke about all the booty they’d chase as powerful djinn. Burt busied himself teaching Victor how to summon up the chick of his wet dreams, and the notion kept Victor’s rapt attention.

It had given Mat time to relay the spell word for word to Nekaar and Najim. It had also allowed them not only to understand how the transfer of power would occur, but what Jeannie’s part in this plan would be.

As an aside, her part sucked. Her fear Mat might have read the spell wrong, something he was infamous for, was matched only by what she had to do next.

So now, here she was, doing her part in this crazy plan. That entailed baiting Victor. Baiting Victor entailed a shiny knife.

Victor held that very shiny knife at her neck while Burt hopped from foot to foot, nervous and jittery. He made it hard for her to focus on nothing but her core. Nekaar’s instructions had been to find the center of her calm and just float.

No matter how Victor taunted or even if he physically tortured her, she had to focus on the one goal.