Steinbeck (47 page)

You said that this was my home but I have thought about it deeply. I think I have no “place” home. Home is people and where you work well. I have homes everywhere and many I have not even seen yet. That is perhaps why I am restless. I haven't seen all of my homes.

I have sat around for the best part of a year waiting for wounds to heal and the scabs to fall off. And now that has happened and I am not patient. You must know this—I am not patient. So much to do and so little time. Christ! I haven't even met Mrs. Roosevelt.

Someday before too long I will make a little cross from the olive wood for Way [Waverly Scott, her daughter]. And I will know when to give it to her.

I will mail this tomorrow my dear. And tonight I shall read a great swatch of Don Quixote and who knows—maybe I will finish the second volume sometime. I can feel it coming into the end now and with such grandeur and mature sadness. Nothing can take away the dignity then. He stands him up naked. He pins placards on his back (literally) and the enormous childlike dignity is still there. It is as though he said—“You see, if there is greatness no smallness has any effect.” And suddenly it turns out that the book is not an attack on knight errantry but a celebration of the human spirit.

I'll finish this tomorrow darling. Good night. Que duermes bien.

J.

 

November 1
Tuesday

Darling—

So the week starts. Jules Buck got in last night and we go to work today.

Darling, it's going to be only notes for a while, I think. This month is going to be pure work.

Your good long letter came yesterday. It was what I was trying to say all along without making it sound cautious. I only know that if you say to hell with everything you are going to catch it from somewhere.

 

 

November 2
[Wednesday]

Now I can write a little more slowly. A good day of work and a good letter from you. Pat sent me the new Viking Portable Chaucer. It looks very fine. I am rereading Pepys in bed at night. What a wonderful thing it is. Have you ever read the uncut version? Such a good man he was.

 

 

Your call came. And I assure you it was hard finishing the day's work but I did. I couldn't not do it. Jules was here.

I wish I could give you some advice or some help. But beyond what I said, I can't. But I do know this—if it will do Way irreparable harm, you will have to stick. But you always knew this. If you violated that, there wouldn't be anything for you any place. It will be most difficult on you—even terrible but you will have to stick it out to the end for your own sake as well as Way's. You cannot be a torn-up girl. It will be said that you have been unfaithful. Every means will be used to make you feel guilty. And that you must avoid. Put the rap on me if you wish. Nobody did anything. Things just happened.

The more calm you can be inside and out, the better it will be. Here I am giving advice I am not sure at all that I can take. It's going to be very bad. Please believe this.

You know that I offer you very little financial security and no inheritance. While I make a lot of money I do not get to keep much. But I am sure you know this. If I got bumped tomorrow there would be nothing except a few years of book royalties—literally nothing except this house. I will not mention that again.

How I wish I could help you.

You must not mind my voice over the phone. It freezes always on the phone as you well know.

Another thing you must expect is for your half-friends to turn against you. You are a set-up for that.

Now I don't want to labor this any more. I love you and you know that. If the climax comes soon you will have to go East I guess. And don't forget that the fact that you told him the truth in no way forces you to pillory yourself publicly unless you want to. And finally you must tell yourself constantly something that I know—you are one of the most beloved people in the world—not only by me but by nearly everyone you know. I am repeating these things because you are bound sometime to get to thinking otherwise. The only reason I am a little sorry it happened right now is a fear that I might lose Way's love because of its soonness—before she got used to it. Otherwise—now is as good a time as ever. It could never have been easy or soft.

Love to you, dear. It will take time. But we knew that.

J.

 

 

 

[November 3]
Thursday morning

It is before mail time and before Jules arrives. No call from you last night. I hope no trouble. You know how the mind leaps around and finds bad things. Mine is no different. I imagine things and for the moment they are true. And I had a strange dream. I was standing at your door. I knocked and rang and no one answered.

Now I am so anxious to know about Way. A method will be found to tell her, I think, if she doesn't pick the whole thing out of the air. And you will have to do such a good job there but being the girl she is it will be easier for her. And maybe it will not be as shocking as we think it might. Kids always surprise us.

 

 

Thursday afternoon late

Thank god that day is over. I've had to dictate all day with mice gnawing my stomach.

 

 

My dear—I'll meet the plane Saturday. It comes in at 12:20 I think but will verify. But I know that between now and then there will be several changes. You will be ordered to come and ordered to stay, you will be commanded not to see me and ordered to see me. You will be ordered to sleep with me and ordered not to. I hope all of this does not completely sicken you. That's one of its purposes. The plan already worked out is this—It will be so terrible, uncomfortable, unpleasant, ugly, disgusting, unending, therefore it will be easier, cleaner and more decent to maintain the status quo. Believe me, this is the method.

And in all of this I have very little to offer you. And this cuts at me too. You can be sure you will not be permitted to come out of this without a beating.

I've tried to think where I have been wrong in this and I can't without reaching. It was a matter of mutual regard in all directions from the first. I would do it again instantly. And I'm too old to wear a hair shirt for pure pleasure.

I wonder whether I should send this. It might just add to your miseries. No, I think it is better to send it. There is no protection. The best protection is to be wide open to everything. It is the protected who get the worst hurt.

I know you can't write, poor dear. And it doesn't seem to me that I am backing you up very much. I will of course in any way I can or you can think of. I keep giving you advice. But you see I do not want you to get panicky nor precipitous—nor sick and tired and make mistakes that cannot be corrected.

 

 

Darling—I did not send this letter. Now it is Friday night—11:30. We just stopped work 10 minutes ago. We have worked since 9 this morning. And I think without work I would have gone a little nuts. I am so worried about you. I keep saying to myself that if things really got out of hand you would find some way to let me know so that I could do something. And now I think—what if there is no word and you are not on the plane tomorrow? I shall meet the plane whether or not I hear from you. I'm just sitting here arguing with myself and planning what I will do if—. And that is crazy. I'll try to stop worrying you with my worries.

All day we worked and got much done. I think all right and Jules thinks good but how it could be with only half a mind at work I do not know. And I've got to stop this thing of building situations in my mind and then meeting them and they haven't arisen yet.

I've got to stop. Or I won't be any good to you.

 

 

November 7
Monday night

Darling—

Now for the first time I can write to you as I have wished for a very long time. I adore you, I am proud of you. I want to be with you always. A long time ago when I knew the strength of my feeling I had to keep it hidden. It seemed to me that I must be non-demanding. I wanted you to come to me but it had to be out of your own mind and will—and as little as possible influenced by me. I knew there would be sorrow surely, but I did not want to add to it. I wanted you to come and maybe filled the air with it but on the surface I had to be reluctant, wise, thoughtful and even withdrawn. Even through Saturday and Sunday I had to.

And now I don't any more. And I feel that a great flat weight is lifted from me. The sorrow will still be there but now I can help with it. I want you to be my woman in all ways and permanently. You see? Now I can say it—now that you did it yourself. Sometimes I didn't know why the insistence was so great that it be this way but now I know it was right. And I feel wonderful and a whole new life opens—exciting and fun and the sorrow will recede, everyone. I swear this. I am so sorry to have made you take two steps for my one. That will never happen again from now on.

I will pray that Way will not be hurt and with that, everything will be all right, and we will live so well, so well. I love you.

John

 

 

Monday night Annex

I had just sealed that letter when the phone rang and it was Annie Laurie. She is incredible. She knew something was happening and she wanted to know what. So I told her and she cried a little with pleasure and she said things about you that should have made your ears burn. She said, “You should thank heaven. This is the best thing that ever happened to you.” Which of course I do because I was about finished and now I am just beginning.

Don't please try to get a job in New York right now. When I get to the play—which will be soon—I shall want you with me or close enough so I can run to you with a page. This is our first job together and it is very important to me that you be deeply involved in it. Isn't it wonderful that I can say that now and don't have to beat about the bush? I don't have to be conservative at all. I want my woman and I want her near me.

I am going to bed—wonderfully tired and relaxed—and that buzzing you hear in your ears—is me going right on talking.

I love you,
J.

 

Darling you only know me as the Play Boy, young, daring, rich, handsome, slicked back hair and one button shirt—a beautiful dancer and the ideal fourth at bridge. You have only seen me weekends at house parties in my flannels and two-tone shoes—leaping over the net to congratulate the loser. I wonder if you would recognize me tonight—successful, graying at the temples—stern, just, a friend to cherish, an enemy to fear, incisive of speech, analytic by temperament, controlled, a thinking machine. No, I doubt whether you would know me. I have one other side. A shit. (I said it first.)

[Pacific Grove]
[November 1949]

My dear—this is for you from me.

I wish only one thing. When Thorn shall need it—will you give it to him and tell him about it? Maybe he won't be the kind of man who would want it nor understand it but if he should be—I would like him to have it.

But it is yours now.

I love you,
John

[Pacific Grove]
November 10, 1949
Thursday

My dear—

Your letter came this morning at 8:30 and I was so glad to get it. And believe me I was wide awake. Shall I describe my morning? Jack slept in the bed at the end of the room. [Jack Wagner, who was visiting him.] At six-thirty he awakened, which waked me. He couldn't find the toilet although he had been there three times last night. Then in some way he fouled up the chain so he got splashed. I went out and fixed it for him. Went back to bed. He came in—asked if I didn't have some shaving lotion. I said about twelve bottles in the bathroom. He couldn't find it. I got up and showed him the shelf full of bottles. Now he is ready to take a walk. It is 7:00. But in trying to get out the door he throws the spring lock and is trapped. I get up and let him out. He works a long time at the garden gate and manages to lock it so he can't open it. I get up and balls-ass naked go outside and let him out. It was cold. I have just got back in bed when he rings the bell. He has forgotten something. I let him in and help him out again. By this time if you can imagine it—I am not sleepy.

This was a bad time for him to come. He offers suggestions on script which are off the line—old picture tricks and we are writing a no-trick script. I hope sometimes that he gets drunk and disappears. Now I've got that out of my system. I am very impatient when I am working so hard.

I shall be with you tonight in the Way thing. Oh! Lord! I hope he [Zachary Scott] doesn't pull out the stops tonight. It will only hurt him. Kids don't like that. They don't believe in emotion in adults since they invented it themselves.