Shhh... Gianna's Side (4 page)

I smiled, nodded, kissed him on the lips
, and then grabbed my glass of champagne. The first sip was much different than I anticipated it to be. I was expecting it to taste like the spiked punch, but it was far from it. It tasted sweet and went down smooth. It only took a few minutes before I was requesting a second glass, much to Jake’s disapproval.

We walked into prom hand
in hand and I immediately needed to use the bathroom. I was definitely feeling a little fuzzy. Jake escorted me to the bathroom and when I walked into the bright room, my reflection in the mirror caught my attention. I slowly walked over to the vanity, and what I saw made my eyes light up. I looked unrestricted; the ties and binds were gone and I was free. I felt it and saw it. Alcohol made everything go away. All the noise, ruckus, expectations, illusions, and thoughts were gone. Just like that.

I smiled a real smile at myself
, feeling sedated and confident. Gia–Gianna–was gone…I was G again and I didn’t want this feeling to go away. I wanted to capture and hold on to it as long as I could. I decided then and there that G was who I was; she was who I wanted to be twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and three-hundred sixty-five days a year.

I laughed at myself so hard that my head
fell back as I made my way to the stall. I found Jake outside waiting for me and his eyes roamed my body. I gave him the best seductive look I could muster and he cleared his throat and grabbed my hand.

We socialized and danced with everyone but left an hour before prom was over. We rode
in the limo back to the hotel party that the prom king was throwing. It was packed by the time we got there. I knew Jake wouldn’t allow me to keep drinking and I didn’t want to disappointment him, so I did the only thing I could think of and snuck in alcohol without him knowing, anytime I went to the bathroom or when he wasn’t looking at me. I was pretty intoxicated, although I believe I played it off well.

“Hmmm…Jake…I want you to get a room here
,” I suggested, catching him off guard.

“Gia, you’ve been drinking and so have I. Let’s just go back to my house and you can sleep it off in the guest bedroom.”

“I don’t want to. I want to be with you, and I want you to get a room.” He looked around the party and grabbed my hand. We walked back to one of the bedrooms and he closed the door behind me.

He turned to face me with
the most bewildered and confused look on his face. I wanted to laugh and tell him he was overreacting, but I didn’t think that would get what I wanted accomplished.

“Listen…we don’t have to do this. I told you time after time that us being
intimate doesn’t matter to me. We have plenty of time for that. You trust me, don’t you?”

I looked him right in the eyes and lied, “I do.”

I didn’t trust him at all, not one bit. But at least this way he would know that I was giving him my virginity, and maybe he wouldn’t cheat on me as much in college. That maybe he would come back to me if he knew I was willingly waiting. Guys love that kind of commitment, don’t they?

“Baby, I don’t want to get in tro
uble. I’m eighteen, you’re fifteen; I could get in to a lot of trouble if we made love,” he reminded.

The fact that he said
“made love,” not sex, or fucking, should have made me feel better. And in a way, it did. It gave me more reassurance about the fact that I was going to sleep with him. Would I have called it making love…probably not. However, the fact that he did, gave me hope.

“You
won’t. I looked it up and there is this Romeo and Juliet law that if you start dating before one person turns eighteen then there is no problem. I promise. Plus, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Not even Mack?”

“Especially not Mack,” I retorted, not even thinking about it. His face showed confusion that I replied like that, but he didn’t call me out on it.

“I love you
,” I proclaimed, trying to make him change his mind.

“I love you
, too,” he repeated.

He kissed me
, and the second I felt his lips on mine, I knew that I had won.

I didn’t really consider the severity of what I was suggesting until we were already in the room. Jake had gotten our overnight bags from the limo and told the driver he could go home. It was easy to check in
to the same hotel the party was at since Jake was eighteen. I grabbed my bag that he placed on the bed and told him I was going to use the shower. He seemed relieved that he would also have a few minutes to himself. I lowered the zipper that was on the side of my dress and turned on the shower, making sure it was warm enough before I got in.

Taking the pins out of my hair ended up being a task
, but after a few minutes, I pulled the last one out and stepped into the shower. I took my time while I was in there. The alcohol was still fresh in my system and I still felt buzzed, but my anxiety was creeping its way into my bloodstream. I washed every inch of my body with the hotel soap that smelled like honey and vanilla and then washed my hair. I made sure to apply extra conditioner in case he wanted to run his fingers through my hair. I knew he really loved doing that and I wanted to make sure it was nice and soft for him.

I turned off the shower, squeezed out my hair with my hands and wrapped the towel around my body.
I rubbed the steam from the shower off of the mirror with my hand and took a look at my disheveled appearance. I appeared younger without the hair, makeup, and dress. I subconsciously wished that I had kept my attire on, because I didn’t want Jake to see me for the age that I truly was. I wanted to go through with this and now I was afraid he would back out. I brushed my hair, leaving it wet around my face, and then brushed my teeth. I applied a little bit of mascara, blush, and lip-gloss. Then I slipped into a pair of lace panties and a white tank top. You could see my nipples through it and it made me feel a little less nervous. My sexuality was my golden ticket.

I opened the door and he was sitting on the edge of the bed
, changing the channels on the TV. He turned when he heard the door open. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped. I tried to keep my confidence and sexy demeanor as I paraded to the bed. His eyes followed my composure the entire time. He had removed his tie and unbuttoned the first few buttons of his dress shirt, leaving it open in the front. It was the sexiest thing I had ever seen. I stood right between his legs in front of him. I swear I could hear the drips of water from my hair hit the floor as I stood waiting for his next move.

“You’re absolutely beautiful. I love you just like this, baby. You’re naturally gorgeous, you don’t need anything to make you more perfect
than you already are,” he praised, not touching me.

I shyly smiled and reached to unbutton the rest of his shirt. He let me
, and I removed it from his body and threw it on the floor. Jake had played football since middle school and his body was defined and muscular. I will have the image of him shirtless in my mind for the rest of my life. I went to unbuckle his belt but he stopped me.

“Baby, are you sure?” he questioned. Of course I was sure…why didn’t he believe me? I nodded
, not knowing what else to say. I thought my actions would speak louder than words, but it seemed like it wasn’t translating.

He smiled
, showing his perfect white teeth and grabbed the back of my neck, pulling me forward. I thought he would kiss me passionately, but he didn’t. It was slow and soft. He was being careful and gentle with me, and a part of me didn’t want that. I wanted him to be uncontrolled and uninhibited. I didn’t want him to treat me like I would break; it just further proved how broken I was. Could he see it but wouldn’t tell me? Did he know that I would shatter eventually?

I tried to kiss him more urgent
ly, more demanding, but he stopped, putting his forehead on mine.

“Baby, we don’t have to rush. We have all night. Let me take care of you. I want this to be good for you
,” he expressed with a sincere tone, making me feel like an asshole.

Why did I want him to take me? Why didn’t I want the sweet
, loving side of this? Why was this “love making” he talked about so hard for me?

I
just did what I always did, smiled and nodded. That seemed to appease him because his hands found the bottom of my shirt and my arms rose as he lifted it off me. I stood there in only panties, feeling completely exposed to him as he took in each and every curve of my body.

“How did I get so lucky?” he admired
and grabbed my chin to make me look into his eyes. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I straddled his lap. It was the first time he allowed me to feel like I was in control–he was usually the one on top of me when we made out. I felt his erection immediately, and part of me wanted to giggle. But that would only show my immaturity, so I kept it hidden.

He kissed me
, and this time, it was more urgent and I loved it. His hands were still around my waist and on my hips as he started to move them forward and then backward. I followed his lead, and slowly, he let me take over at my desired pace. The more I grinded and slowly moved along his hard-on, the better it felt for me. I had never played with myself before and I had no idea what I was doing. But the tingles in my lower abdomen made my toes curl. We never stopped kissing, and the faster I moved, the more intense our kiss became.

The room started to get really hot and my eyes felt like they were rolling around in the back
of my head. I was making noises that I had never made before, but I couldn’t control them. They were getting louder and Jake’s fingers started grasping onto my hips. I swore he was going to leave marks if he didn’t let up. When my legs started to shake, my body just took over and I rode him with enthusiasm to have something happen. I had no idea what was happening but I didn’t want it to stop. My breathing faltered and my body just exploded, I shook, moaned, and my head fell back.

I don’t know how long I just
sat there on his lap convulsing, but when it was over, I felt like I had just run a marathon. I finally opened my eyes and they found Jake’s glare; he looked primal. His pupils were dilated and it made his irises look black instead of the piercing blue they normally were. His breathing mimicked mine and before I could say anything, he picked me up and laid me on the bed. His mouth attacked mine and he groaned. I helped him remove his belt and he kicked off his pants. It was then that I realized he was going commando and didn’t have on any boxers.

“Hold on, baby
,” he said in between kissing me.

He
reached for his pants and pulled out his wallet. I took the opportunity to look at him for the first time, and what I saw made me gasp. He quickly looked back at my face and he grinned. I could tell he wanted to laugh but kept it in.

“I’m sorry…I
–” I tried to explain, but seeing his erect dick was a bit of a shock to me. I had never seen one in person before and I contemplated if it would even fit inside me. Not only was he thick, he was also long.

I watched with fascination as he opened the packet and rolled on the condom, making a m
ental note that you pinch the top of it before you roll it down.

“It’s okay. I need you to tell me if you want me to stop. I will do whatever feels better for you.”

I smiled. “I promise.”

He pulled down my panties
, leaving wet kisses from my breasts to my lower abdomen. The lower he went, the faster my heart pounded with anticipation. 

I was naked
in front of him for the first time and he stopped to take a look at me. I wanted to hide under the blanket and shield myself but, at the same time, I loved the look in his eyes. I had never seen him look at me like that and I wanted to cherish the moment. It was everything I wanted to see, and the approval he showed made me want to cry. I had never felt that before, not from anyone.

He kissed his way back up my body and found my mouth again. He positioned himself on top of me, resting on his elbows with my legs spread open.
 His dick nudged at my entrance and he slowly and carefully eased his way inside me. The pain and discomfort I felt was almost unbearable. It didn’t feel like anything that was described in my books.

“Jesus, baby, you are so fucking tight. Tell me if I’m hurting you
,” he groaned.

He angled my leg a little higher and pushed all the way in. I wanted to scream but I didn’t.

“Oh shit. Sorry…baby, I thought it would be easier if I just pushed all the way in. Are you okay?” he blubbered, looking at me with lust and concern all over his face.

“Mmm hmm
,” I replied, wanting to hide the pain that I was sure was evident on my face.

He started to move, slowly at first
, and I could feel the wetness as he slipped in and out. There were no fireworks like there was before when I was on top of him. I didn’t want to make any noise or movement, I wanted it to be over and soak in a bath to relieve the soreness that I knew I was going to feel. I didn’t understand how girls at school would talk about sex like it was some amazing thing. If it was like this every time, I didn’t know how I was going to work up the nerve to do it again.

His movements became quicker and more forceful and I felt like he was tearing me open, I wanted no part of
it. He abruptly stopped and shook on top of me, like I had done to him earlier. I also felt his dick stir inside me. He was sweating, as was I.  This wasn't sexy or erotic–it was uncomfortable and awkward. 

“That was amazing
,” he huskily stated, kissing all over my face.

Not really…

“It won’t always feel like that. I promise it will feel better and you will experience multiples of what I just experienced.”

“How many girls have you been with?” I blurted.

He nervously laughed and kissed the tip of my nose. “It doesn’t matter, Gia, they were nothing compared to you.”

That was a good enough answer for me.
He helped clean me up and we asked for another set of sheets to change out from our concierge. I was beyond embarrassed from the bloodstain on the bed, but he didn’t even give it a double look when we changed them out. We slept in each other’s arms, and even though it was as cookie cutter and cliché as it could get, I wallowed in it.

Graduation came quickly after prom and then the summer was over and he was
heading off to college. He reluctantly chose to go to Columbia; I pressured him into it because I knew it was what he truly wanted. It was the right thing to do. He swore and promised me that nothing would come between us, that we were going to get married one day. He was going to come visit me every other weekend and that it was only a three and a half hour drive.

I wanted to believe him
, but I knew everything was going to change. It was inevitable–when the cat’s away the mouse will play, isn’t that the rule of thumb?

Sophomore year started and I missed him terribly. Mack tried everything to make me smile. We both made
varsity cheerleading and I was ecstatic about it. When I called to tell Jake about it, he didn’t answer. He barely ever answered his phone and when he did, we didn’t talk much. I even tried to have phone sex a couple of times, but he didn’t seem interested. I knew he was probably cheating on me.

I missed him walking me to class and leaving notes in my locker. Everywhere I looked
, there was a memory of us. After the first few months, I started to get out of my slump and the boys noticed it, too. I began getting attention from the opposite sex again and I quickly remembered how great and empowered it made me feel.

“Gia, you know you have a boyfriend, right?” Mack
asked as we walked to our lockers from fourth period.

“I’m not doing anything wrong, Mack. I’m just flirting
; it’s not a big deal. No harm, no foul. I’m trying to have a little fun and I’m sure Jake is doing the exact same thing,” I responded, turning my locker combination.

“What do you mean? What’s going on with you and Jake?” she asked
, putting in her algebra notebook and taking out her history folder.

I sighed
. “Nothing…I mean, not really. I don’t know. Things are different now.”

She turned and grabbed my hand
. “Gia, I know. He’s not doing anything wrong, though. I know you may think that, but he loves you. I see it every time he looks at you.”