Pulled Within (36 page)

It made me feel lighter.

A part of me was even starting to feel free. Not completely yet, though.

Two days
.

I stopped at registration to fill out the usual paperwork and have my bag searched. It was the same routine every time I came here: the tech moved behind me and asked me to spread my arms and legs. She started at my wrists, ran her hands to my shoulders, down my sides, around my stomach, and over each leg. In the past, I’d cringed
at the pat-down; even though it was a woman’s hands, she’d always gotten too close to my neck, threatening to wander to one of my forbidden places. I didn’t stop breathing when she touched me
today. I didn’t scrunch my body together like I was on the verge of sneezing. I just let her do her thing.

“Great haircut,” she said when she was done.

I looked over my shoulder and smiled. It was genuine. “It is, isn’t
it?”

I passed through the door that lead to the rec room. Brady and Shane were sitting at a table off to the side. They weren’t alone.
There was a girl sitting with them, with her back to me. Her long espresso hair flowed over her shoulders and down her petite frame.

I didn’t need her to turn around to know who it was.

“Rae, you’re here…” Shane said nervously, standing up and meeting me before I made it to the table. “I didn’t think you’d be
coming so
soon,” he whispered. “I was hoping Drew would be gone by the
time you arrived.”

“Why is she here?”

His hands clamped my shoulders. “She came to talk to Brady. We had something we needed to tell him…together.”

They
had something
they
needed to tell him.
Together
.

And Shane hadn’t told me what it was?

But he told me everything when it came to Brady. This was
my
family, not hers. So why did I suddenly feel like an outsider?

“Should I leave?” I asked, not caring whether or not she heard me.

Shane frowned. “I know she’s not your favorite, but this is
something you need to hear. It might change the way you feel.”

“Doubt it,” I mumbled.

“Please come sit with us?” He held out his hand and wiggled his fingers.

I needed to hear whatever it was, so I took his hand and
followed
him over. He pulled out a chair for me next to Brady. But Brady
didn’t
even glance in my direction. His eyes were trained on Drew, and
Drew’s eyes were fixed on him. He didn’t even seem to be breathing.

Drew slowly looked at me. “Hi, Rae.”

I ignored her. “So what’s going on here?” I asked roughly.

Brady’s stare gradually shifted over to me. “Turns out Drew
is… uh…my sister.”

My stomach dropped and my jaw hung open. I didn’t even try to close it. “She’s your
what?
” I was louder than I needed to be.

Shane blushed. “It’s true.”

“Why am I just hearing about this now?” I couldn’t help the accusatory tone.

“I’m just hearing it now, too,” Brady answered. “Drew figured it out, but Dad didn’t want her to tell me until he thought I could
handle the news.”

“How long have you known this, Shane?” He’d been with
Drew’s mom? I could hardly digest it.

“A few months. We found out while I was renovating Drew’s house.”

My stare shifted between the three of them. They all had the same eyes and similar coloring and their faces were shaped the same.

She wasn’t the outsider.

I was.

“I know this is a lot to take in,” Drew said, “but I—”

I spoke over her. “Shane, why didn’t you tell
me
?”

“Please don’t be upset, Rae. I really wanted to tell you, but Brady
needed to hear the news first. I wasn’t comfortable telling anyone
until he knew about his sister.”

The thought of her being
that
to Brady sent a chill through me.

Was I concentrating on the wrong thing here? Maybe the fact
that he hadn’t told me yet wasn’t as important as how this was going to
change us. Drew and I didn’t get along; with Brady getting out of
rehab
soon, I imagined he’d be spending a lot of time with her…his
sister
.
Things were about to get really messy.

“He’s been doing so well,” Shane said, “
we
thought it was the
right time to tell him.”

We
.

Drew had been a surprise member of the family for less than a whole season and already she was helping Shane make decisions.
Everything was so complicated. It made my stomach feel even worse than it had before. There were issues between me and Drew, and between Brady and Saint. And now, everyone was family.

“There’s more,” Brady said.

“Oh, I can’t wait to hear it.” I glanced up from the table and met his eyes.

“Dad talked to Drew about my situation. She’s going to lend me the money to pay the dealers.”

“She is?” I may not have been related by blood, but I still had a voice in this family, and there was no way I was keeping quiet about the money.

Brady eyed me warily. That meant he’d heard the edge in my
tone. “Isn’t that awesome, Rae?” he said carefully.

Drew gazed at him. “I really want to help.”

I glared at Drew, with her arms crossed over her chest like a
shield
and her happy eyes and her smirk. She couldn’t have possibly
known what was coming. “How did that become your decision to make?” I asked her.

“It wasn’t, Rae,” Shane said, sounding stunned. “She offered to
help, and we accepted. We thought you’d be as relieved as we are.”

But she wasn’t the one who could fix this…
I
was.

“There’s no way I’m going to let that happen,” I told her, raising
my voice. “I don’t care what your intentions are. Brady is
my
family. I’ve been here for him for all these years, not you.
I
was the one he called when those assholes had beaten the shit out of him.
I
held him
while he trembled and puked his guts out.
I
made him feel safe—
me
, not you. I’ll be…”

I stopped myself from saying
…damned if you get to be the one who fixes him.

I hadn’t broken the pattern. I was still trying to fix Brady, when I really needed to fix myself. Somehow, I couldn’t let go.

“You have no fucking idea what he’s been through or what he needs,” I said instead. I turned to Brady. “I have the money. Every
cent will come from me. You don’t need Drew.”

“What?” Brady asked, before it registered. “Rae, no…”

“Brady,
yes
.” I stood firm.

“Unless you’re planning to buy a home, you don’t touch that
account—do you understand? That’s what it’s for:
your
home.”

He and Shane had taken me to the bank to open the account, sometimes tagging along when I made my deposits. Shane gave me a check every year for my birthday just to add to the balance.
Spending
that money on a place to live would give me something that was mine, but it would never replace the way Brady and Shane made me
feel.

They were more than just my family.

“
You’re
my home,” I told him. I glanced at Shane. “You are, too.” I felt my lips tremble. “You carried me out of that hospital bed when I’d thrown everything away. You were the only one who would look
at all
my ugliness, and you’ve been carrying me forward ever since. It’s been a horrible time.
Horrible
. I’ve made mistakes everywhere, and so have you. But we’ve loved each other right through it all.” It was
becoming clearer the more I spoke. “It wasn’t just me taking care of you, Brady;
it was you taking care of me, too. I realize that now. You’re the
closest thing I have to a brother…”

It hit me then: something in me believed that by saving Brady, I’d also be saving Darren.

It was such a fucked-up thought.

But it was another piece of truth I had to face.

“I need to do this for you—and I have the money to do it. So I’m going to be the one to fix this.” I glared at Drew again. “Not
you.
”

Before any of them had a chance to speak, I turned and ran for the door.

A house was just a house to me now. Brady was the home I needed
to keep safe. I would figure out another way to buy a place to live,
another way to stand on my own. Another way to heal myself.

Brady needed it more than I did.

I sat in my car, composing myself before starting it up. I jumped when my phone rang.
Unknown
showed on the screen. My hand reached for it on impulse. I stared at it while it rang, trying to feel
something other than rage.

It was time for this to change.

I answered the call, but said nothing, waiting for him to speak.
“Rae?” The raspy voice I hated so much jittered in my ear. “Rae, are you
there?” I wanted to hear what he would say, how he would try to
convince me that I hadn’t seen what I’d seen, that I didn’t know the things I knew about him. About what he’d done to Darren. “We need to talk,
Rae. You can’t run from me forever.”

It all came barreling out of me. “Don’t you
ever
fucking call me again, old man!”
I screamed. “Do you understand me?
Don’t you
ever…fucking… call me…again!”
I hung up and threw my phone on the floor as hard as I could.

All at once, I felt the storm pulling me back in.

I STOOD IN FRONT
of the bathroom mirror with only a towel
wrapped around me. I’d just gotten out of the shower but had forgotten to use conditioner, so my hair was a tangled mess. I didn’t
have the energy to get back in, squirt the liquid onto my hand and run it through my strands. It could stay tangled and sloppy for all I cared.

I looked at my phone, at the time and the date, and I breathed.

It was only six in the morning.

Today
.

I had nowhere to be. No reason to clean my body. No cause to flee the bed I shared with Hart other than worrying that my tossing and turning would wake him. I hadn’t slept a minute the whole night. I’d watched the reflection of the moon shimmer over the
ceiling until it disappeared down the wall. Then I moved on to the stars that shined
through the skylight. I’d traced their patterns, followed their slow arcs across the dark sky until the tightness in my chest became too much. I had hoped the shower would loosen it, though I knew
nothing would help. Not taking deep breaths; not smoking a joint. Not talking to Brady.

The void within me couldn’t be filled.

There was a red circle on my chest where the water had beaten down. It was the entrance to my broken core, the place where it hurt the most. My short golden locks couldn’t cover it anymore, couldn’t soothe it. It ached even more with each passing second.

I just wanted to see him one more time.

I didn’t want to say good-bye; I could never have said that to someone I loved as much as Darren. The thought of it was ugly and jagged, red like my scar. No, I wanted to tell him how sorry I was for
not protecting him from Gerald. I wanted to wrap my arms around
him and hold him, to shield him from the evil that lived in our
house.

I thought back to the last time I’d held him. It was after I’d seen him being ravaged by that horrible man. Darren was fourteen at the time—an eighth-grader—so I drove him to school. We had a quiet moment in
the car. I wanted him to know that I knew what was happening
without
torturing him any more than he’d already been. So I tried to keep
things simple. “Everything cool with you?” I asked.

He shrugged. “Sure.”

I glanced at him as he gazed out the window. “You’re not really convincing me.”

He didn’t look at me. “It’s all good, Rae. Just…school stuff. Homework.”

My heart trembled. He was trying so hard to be brave.

“You know,” I told him, “we’ve never had a dad to take care of
us. That really sucks, I think. And Mom is always working.” I didn’t mention Gerald. I was hoping if I gave Darren the opportunity, he’d bring him up. He said nothing. “So if anything is going wrong or bothering you, you know you can always come to me, right? That if
you didn’t
know how to deal with something, I’d help you with it however I
had to. I’d do anything for you.”

He shrugged again. “There’s nothing wrong, Rae. Nothing I
can’t handle on my own.”

My heart was hammering now. I didn’t want him to feel alone anymore.

The light changed to green, so I began to drive. I pulled into the school lot and parked. “Listen to me, Darren…” I paused, trying to
think of a delicate way to say this without scaring him. “I know what Grandpa did to you.”

His head snapped around, and his eyes widened.

“I saw him the other night…when he was in your room.”

He didn’t say a word.

“We need to tell Mom.”

“No!” he shouted. “Don’t do that. Please…you can’t, Rae…you can’t. Promise me, please.
Promise me!
”

He was frantic. It gave me a true sense of how much fear he was living in. My heart was breaking for him. “Okay…okay. I won’t.”

He stared out the window as his breathing starting to calm. He tucked his hands under his knees. “Nothing happened anyway, so
there’s nothing to tell.” He was lying, that was why he still wouldn’t look at me. “You didn’t see what you thought you saw, Rae.” He
took another breath. “You’re wrong…”