Love's Suicide: Love's Suicide (44 page)

Then I spotted Dave, standing outside talking to his father-in-law, the pastor. Both of them stared as I turned off the vehicle and started to climb out.

It took me a good bit to make my way to where they stood. Although I was mobile
, my hip still hurt when I went from sitting to walking.

When I got within four feet from Dave, he put his hand up motioning me to stop. “Hold up a minute. Where do you think you’re goin’, Katy?”

“Inside. Where else would I go?”

He shook his head. “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Do everyone a favor and just go home. We’re
all here to remember our friend, not sit in the same room with the person that ended his life.”

I knew they felt that way, but hearing him say it in front of the pastor, and him saying nothing in my defense, made it all even more bitter. “I have every right to be in there. He was my husband and I loved him.”

“You loved him?” Dave spit on the ground in front of me. “You loved him so much that you had him arrested for a crime he wasn’t capable of doin’. You know that man never laid a hand on you, but yet you had him arrested for it, didn’t ya?”

“You think I inflicted those bruises all of those times on myself?”

“It don’t even matter what I think you’re capable of. If that weren’t bad enough, you took your daughter and ran off with your lover, so he couldn’t even see her. All he wanted to do was work things out with you.”

“No, he wanted to hurt me worse.
” I was crying, and begging for him to listen to me. I didn’t make up being beat on and I sure as hell wouldn’t have left town if I didn’t feel like I was in danger.

“Katy, d
o us all a favor and spare us the drama. Sarah’s so upset because she brought you into Bobby’s life. She doesn’t need to see you here.”

“Please, Dave. Please, just let me pay my respects. I have every right to say goodbye to him. You couldn’t be more wrong about me. I swear, I would never want this for anyone, especially Bobby.”

He looked back at his father-in-law, who took a step toward me. He placed his hand on my shoulder. “Bobby told me things during our sessions. He had his own demons, but I’ve got to be respectful of my daughter. How about we meet later and you can say your goodbye’s then?”

I heard a voice behind me and I didn’t have to turn around to see who it was. “How about you get off that high
horse and let the girl through? Isn’t this the Lord’s home where everyone is welcome?”

Dave started to haul ass toward Brooks. I grabbed the back of his jacket and held him back, while Brooks crossed his arms over his chest, not afraid of what was coming. “Get your boyfriend out of here, Katy. My best friend is dead because of you. Leave now, before someone gets hurt.”

Brooks was wearing his Army dress uniform and I’d never known him to look more handsome. At the same time, I was caught in the middle of a war in the church parking lot. While holding onto the back of Dave, I knew I had to do something before our scene became the most remembered moment of my husband’s funeral. “Dave, please. We’ll go. Please just stop this.”

He shoved me with his shoulder as
he walked by me and I watched Brooks explode in front of me. He charged full-force at Dave and I watched them both fall to the ground.

I reach down and grabbed Brooks’ arm before he could pound it against Dave’s face. “Please stop. You need to leave, Brooks. Please, just go.”

He shoved Dave to the ground before standing up and dusting off his clothes. “I came here for support, because I knew they were going to treat you like shit.”

I touched his hand with mine. “I can handle them without you interfering. Just go before it gets worse.”

He pulled his hand
away from me and I saw anger in his eyes. “You know what, I’m sick of trying.”

I wanted to run after him, but had to worry about Dave before I could do anything else. I turned to face him. “I’m going in that church and I’m saying goodbye to my husband. You can spit on me and call me names, but I’m still going.
Whatever you think of me, whatever you want to tell people, you’ll never begin to understand how much his death had devastated me. You think I don’t know that he was once a good man? I’m sorry he’s gone, but I never lied about anything, not to him and certainly not to the police.”

I pushed him as I walked by and dared him to put another hand on me. I was going to say goodbye to Bobby and there wasn’t a damn person on the planet that was going to stop me.

I don’t know what I expected, walking in there and seeing a made up version of him lying in that casket.
Immediately I was in tears. People moved out of my way and I could hear their whispers. At one point I even heard the word whore. I focused my eyes on Bobby and touched his cold hands. It was hard to see through my glossy eyes. “I just came here to say I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for everything, Bobby. Please, you’ve got to forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for taking your life away. I wish you never met me, so that you could still be here with your friends and family.”

I sniffled and tried to gain my composure enough to finish. “I know we had some
really bad times, but I’m going to remember the good ones. When I think of you, I’m going to see you smiling when you saw B being born. I’m going to think of that first time you held her and how I saw you cry. I’ll remember the love you had for her, and for me. I promise to never forget what you gave up to be my friend and how hard you worked to be a better person. For what it’s worth, they were the reasons that I loved you. I know it means nothing now, but I did love you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t give you more. Please, Bobby, wherever you are, please forgive me. I. Am. So. Sorry.”

I don’t know why I expected someone to put their hand on my back to comfort me. As I turned around, I saw all of their eyes on me. His family turned their heads like I was someone they couldn’t stand to look at. In just days they’d all formed their own opinions about me and my life.

I walked down the aisle slowly, since I couldn’t go any faster. I’d been at low points in my life, but nothing like this. When I opened the door to the outside, I didn’t look back. The further I got away from that church, the more I was able to breathe again.

For a while I sat in my car, consumed with guilt and regret. I could
have made better decisions and knowing that was eating me from the inside out.

When I pulled up at the house I noticed that Brooks wasn’t there. My heart ached for the way he’d left me at the church. I’d pissed him off when he was trying to support me. Yet again, I’d screwed up.

Walking into the house and seeing the look on Danica’s face made it all even worse. I placed my purse and keys down and looked around for B.

“Brooks took her out for a bit.”

“Do you know where? Maybe I can change and meet them.”

Danica patted the seat next to her on the couch. “Katy, I think you need to sit down. I’ve got some things I need to say to you.”

I walked slowly, as if I was a young child, preparing to be scorned. I’d hurt her son and she wasn’t going to sit around watching history repeat itself.

I started crying even before she could say anything. I felt her hand grabbing mine and I looked up at her face. She was crying. “Katy, you can’t keep doing this.”

“Doing what? I’m trying to put my life together and everything keeps getting so messed up. Everything I touch gets misconstrued and turns to shit. I should have just ended my life years ago when everything went awry. I could have saved all of you so much frustration and pain.”

“Stop it, Katy. Don’t you ever say that to me or anyone else. Something like that solves nothing. Do you honestly think that Brooks would be better if you were gone forever? How did you
feel when you thought he’d died?”

I cried harder. “I felt empty, like I couldn’t go on.”

She grabbed my chin and forced me to look at her. “Don’t you ever let me hear you say that again. You’re a mother and like a daughter to me. My sons both care deeply for you and so does Walt. No matter what this world thinks, or how you feel about yourself, you are loved. You always have been and you always will be.”

“I’m sorry. I
feel like nothing I do is ever good enough. I make the worst decisions and ruin people’s lives.”

“Everyone makes mistakes. We’re human.”

I shook my head. “You’ve been perfect for my whole life. That’s easy for you to say.”

She took a deep breath and started crying herself. Brooks and B came walking in the door as she spoke. “
You couldn’t be more wrong, Katy. That’s why I think it’s time you knew the truth.” She looked up at Brooks. “It’s time I told you both the truth, because I can’t sit here and watch you two fall apart, when you’ve got a real chance at happiness.”

I had no idea what she was talking about and from the look on Brooks’ face, neither did he. He crouched down and whispered in B’s ear. She went running into her bedroom.

Our eyes met and I felt his pain. I felt every emotion that I’d made him feel and it was as if I was being stabbed in the heart. I smiled and he looked away. “Look, Mom, I appreciate you trying to help, but if it’s all the same, I’m just going to head back to the barracks for the night.”

I didn’t have a chance to argue.

“No, Brooks. You’re going to come sit down next to Katy and listen to what I have to say.”

When he didn’t move, she stood up and pointed to the couch. “Now.”

Even as a grown man, I watched him sit quickly, knowing his place.

Whatever it was that she was going to say must have been important, but for the life of me, I couldn’t even imagine her having any kind of secret.

Then she started speaking and from the first sentence, I knew, nothing was ever going to be the same.

Chapter 58

Who made up the saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger? I’d like to punch that person in the face.

“Katy, I know why your mother went to visit your father that day.”

Danica started her confession with one sentence and it had enough of an impact to make Brooks put his head down and me to hold my breath.

“Do you honestly think this is going to
solve anything that’s going on now? Don’t hurt her more with the past, Mom. Whatever it is, just leave it be.”

I grabbed his arm. “No. I wanted to know since it happened. Please. Tell me why she was there.”

Danica covered her face with her hands and began to sob. She finally looked up at me with tear filled eyes. “I just want you to know that no matter what, I do love you like you’re my daughter. I’ve never done it out of guilt.”

I was so confused. “What are you talking about?”

“We didn’t know she was there. She told your dad that she had a PTA meeting at the school. We wanted to tell her, in fact that’s why I was there.”

I threw my hands up in the air. “What are you talking about? Where were you? Who were you with? I’m so lost.”

Brooks grabbed my hand. “I think I know what you’re going to say. Mom, please don’t do this to Katy. Don’t do this to our family.”

Again, I was so confused.

“Your father has known since the night before they died. I told him first. We had decided to separate and I walked next door to tell your father.”

Then, as my mind started to wander, it was all coming together.

Danica cried harder. “Katy, I loved your father. I wanted to be with him, and I had ended things with Walt thinking that he wanted to be with me too.”

I felt Brooks slipping his hand inside of min
e. We didn’t look at each other though, because of the shock of what Danica was saying to us. “Please don’t tell me that you were having an affair with my father. He wouldn’t. He loved my mom. I know he did.”

I was beginning to freak out.

“I saw you kiss him and you told me that I was mistaken. I believed you. That’s what I saw wasn’t it?” Brooks was getting agitated and he was taking it out on my poor hand. When he noticed what he was doing, he loosened his grip, but didn’t let go. “You lied right to my face.”

“You both need to understand that we’d all been friends for so long. It just happened and we couldn’t stop it. I tried to stop, I swear I did.”

I was crying, but it was more in anger, because I felt so betrayed. “So she caught you? Is that what happened?”

“Yes,” she sobbed.
“We’d been having a heated argument and I followed your dad into his bedroom. We could hear you three in the tree house and thought we were alone. He rejected me, Katy. You’re father told me he couldn’t do it. He said he wouldn’t ever leave your mother.”

“Then how did she catch you? She caught you talking about it?”

I looked over at Danica, but she was too busy crying to answer.

“Mom, answer us. What did you do?”

She shook her head. “I was so hurt. I’d ended my marriage for him and he wouldn’t leave her. So, out of desperateness, I threw myself at him, begging for one last night together.” She was quiet for a second. “And he didn’t resist.”

I pictured my mother, always so kind and loving, walking in on her one true love and her best friend. The bile rose to my mouth imagining it
in my mind. I pulled away from Brooks and started to walk to the bathroom, on account of not being able to run.