If You're Not the One (21 page)

What Could Have Been—Tim

Joe had been dozing on and off for an hour now, his face a picture of pure contentment, his huge body heavy with sleep. All Jennifer had done during this time was stare at him, for his was a face she could quite happily gaze at for hours on end. In fact, she reckoned she could probably do at least a month without getting bored.

She'd felt the same way when each of her newborns had first arrived in the world. She'd spent hours examining their faces, drinking them in, marvelling at their very presence and at how miraculous it felt to have them in her life. But she'd never felt anything remotely similar for an adult before. For someone who had facial hair and size twelve feet. And yet the comparisons between her feelings for Joe and the unconditional love she felt as a parent didn't end there. It was only the other day that during one of her long, angst-filled telephone discussions with Karen (which she'd come to rely on increasingly as she tried to work out how to untangle
the extraordinary mess her life was in), she'd told her friend that Joe was the only person alive, other than her kids, whom she could say with any certainty she'd take a bullet for. Not needlessly of course. She wouldn't do it just to prove a point or anything. That would be ridiculous. Yet, if it was a case of saving either herself or him, she'd sacrifice herself every time, just as she would with each of her offspring. However, if the choice were between saving herself or Tim, she'd scarper out of the line of fire quicker than you could say ‘Sorry love, needs must'.

Karen had laughed heartily at this (perhaps with slightly too much relish), before adding, ‘If you think about it, it would probably be worth shoving Tim in front of a bullet. You'd get the life insurance for starters. Plus that way everyone would feel sorry for you for being widowed, so when you “suddenly” took up with Joe they'd all be happy for you. Perfect.'

At that point Jennifer had checked herself. Reaching the point where you started fantasising about the untimely death of your husband probably wasn't healthy, even if her best friend had clearly been doing it for years.

Joe's eyes slowly opened. When he realised she was watching him, a slow leisurely grin sprawled across his face. ‘Hello you, have I been asleep?'

‘Yeah,' said Jennifer, laughing.

‘What you laughing at?' he said, still half asleep.

‘You've had an hour.'

‘An hour? Have I heck?' he said, yawning and stretching out his huge arms before pulling her in for a hug. Jennifer had noticed that his Yorkshire accent had become more pronounced as soon as he'd arrived back in his home county.

‘And what have you been up to while I've been resting my eyeballs?'

‘Staring at you,' she admitted, totally unashamed. They were both far too smitten with one another to bother trying to be cool. There was no point.

‘Stalker,' said Joe.

‘Creepy,' agreed Jennifer, nuzzling herself right into him.

‘Aah this is such heaven,' he said, his eyes still squinting while he slowly continued to wake up properly. ‘You realise we've done nothing for forty-eight hours now,' he added, one hand squeezing her bum appreciatively. ‘God I love this bottom you know.'

‘I wouldn't say we've done nothing,' said Jennifer, thoroughly enjoying the sensation of having her bum stroked and stretching out one smooth, brown leg from beneath the sheets in order to wrap it round one of his large, hairy ones.

‘We've hardly left this one room since we got here,' laughed Joe.

‘Yes we have. You even made a roast yesterday. And we went to the pub.'

‘For about half an hour,' he said, turning round in the
bed but pulling her arms round with him so that she was hugging him from behind. Jennifer loved the way Joe was in bed. Not just when they were having sex (they'd both agreed that the phrase ‘making love' was repellent. Just one of the hundreds of silly yet important things they were in total agreement on) but when they weren't too. He was unbelievably affectionate and often she'd wake up briefly in the middle of the night to find that they were completely entwined with one another.

She nestled into his broad back, inhaling his smell and feeling more secure and happy than she had for ages. For them, the prospect of being able to spend one entire night together was stupidly exciting, so the fact that they were spending seven whole nights in a row together was almost too much to comprehend. It was ridiculous but two days in and they'd already discussed how depressed they were about their little slice of heaven coming to an end.

‘Are you complaining? Do you wish we were sightseeing?'

‘No,' he said. ‘Just being with you is bloody bliss. I don't need anything else. Not even a telly.'

‘Wow, now that is love. A proper declaration if ever I heard one.'

‘It is. Now could you give my back a scratch please, my little angel? I've got an itch.'

Happy to oblige, Jennifer removed one hand from his and scratched his back.

‘Ooh that's better. Thank you.'

‘Pleasure, now how about anywhere else? Have you got an itch round the front?' she teased, sliding her hand around him, reaching for his cock which when she found it was already at half-mast.

‘Ooh, that's a surprise.'

‘You can't blame me, I'm lying next to you,' he said, turning round again so their faces were only centimetres apart.

‘I love you,' she said for the five hundredth time that day.

‘I love you too,' he replied sincerely, his eyes searching her face. ‘So so much. Never leave me will you?'

She shook her head, her eyes filling with tears.

He stroked her cheek ‘Hey, little squidger. Don't cry. It'll all be OK.'

She nodded but the tears kept on coming. She was so stressed all the time. No matter how hard she tried to keep it at bay, her anxiety about their situation was never far from the surface.

‘You only get one life you know,' he said and his eyes were so sad and so full of concern that she'd probably never loved him more than she had at that precise second.

‘Do you want to go for a walk?' she sniffed, wiping her face with the back of her hand. She didn't want these precious few days together to be marred by her constant angst. She wanted to relish every second they had together
and to try and just enjoy the present. ‘The sun's come out.'

He shook his head and grinned. ‘I want to kiss you.'

A lazy, passion-filled, self-indulgent hour or so later, Joe emerged from the bathroom, still wet from the shower. ‘Come on you,' he said, drying himself vigorously. Despite the fact Jennifer was completely sated she experienced a fresh lurch of potent desire just from looking at him.

‘Let's get amongst it, let's get some fresh air so at least we can say we've done something today. Time to leave our pit of passion.'

Jennifer loved every minute of their walk through the Yorkshire dales. The countryside was gorgeous. Rugged and hilly and strewn with purple heathers and patchworked with green velvety fields. It was a lovely warm day but not boiling hot like it had been in France. There was a strong wind and the clouds scudded across the sky as if in a race.

‘It's so beautiful here,' she exclaimed as they came to the crest of a hill which they'd been climbing for a while. She was completely breathless as was Joe who flung himself down onto the grass.

‘Come here you, come and share this view with me.'

She reached out and let him pull her towards him until she was sitting between his legs, his arms wrapped tightly around her. Joe was a large man. Six foot five with the stature to match. She loved this about him. It made her feel small, feminine, protected.

‘It's so amazing here,' she said, drinking in the scenery.

‘I'm so happy to be here with you,' said Joe, nuzzling her neck with his nose. ‘I've dreamed of this and here we are.'

They both stared at the majestic countryside that was spread out before them. It was seven-thirty, the sun was starting to sink in the sky and the light was incredible. Suddenly Jennifer wondered why anyone in their right mind would want to inhabit a city. ‘Do you hate living in town sometimes?' she asked, half terrified of what his reply would be.

‘Erm…I'm definitely a country boy at heart,' he said eventually, ‘always will be, but there are things about living in London I really appreciate. It's a very beautiful city I think and full of so many different cultures. I've learned a lot. Having said all that, I do prefer the pace out here and I do crave this feeling of space at times. I'd be more than happy to move back out again, even if it meant just working in a nice pub that served really excellent food. Nice hearty stuff that was done properly.'

Jennifer digested this. Could she picture herself living out of town? She couldn't see Tim letting her take the children out of the schools they were in.

‘But listen, what have we always said the meaning of life is?'

Jennifer smiled, her fears dissipating already.

‘Sofa,' she whispered.

‘Sofa,' he repeated. ‘Home is where your heart is and with the person you want to be sat next to on the sofa and for me, Jen, that is you. So, if that means I have to live out my days in the most overpriced part of London, surrounded by snobby arseholes where I can't afford to buy a beer, let alone a flat, then that is what I'll do so that your kids can keep going to those disgusting schools where they're forced to wear boaters and speak Latin for no sane reason.'

His tone was far less harsh than the words he was saying. Jennifer loved it when he told her how it was.

‘Sofa,' she repeated laughing, her heart contracting with its usual mix of love, fear and dread of what she was facing.

‘Now, let's take a picture on my phone of you and me with our view behind us.'

They both wriggled round and Jennifer snuggled in as Joe extended his arm around them both so that the lens of his phone was pointing towards them. She smiled into the camera, desperate to milk every second of the time she had with him. Would there ever be a time when they could just be together without constantly pondering life without each other and the situation they were in?

‘Look at that little face,' said Joe, his deep Yorkshire
voice laden with affection as he regarded the snap he'd just taken. ‘You are a beauty Jennifer you know. Look at those eyes.'

‘Don't be silly,' she said. She thought she looked a state in the photo if she were being honest, what with hardly any make-up on and her hair a mess.

‘You've got no idea have you? Hey, what's up with you now? Why are you looking sad all of a sudden? Do we need to have a chat?'

Jennifer blinked, loving him for being so intuitive but hating herself for being so miserable.

‘Well, if you could bear it,' she said finally.

‘Come on then, misery features,' said Joe amiably. ‘Let's be having it, squidger, what's on that mind of yours now?'

‘It's just…I just…'

‘What?'

Jennifer struggled to find the words to convey what had been gnawing away at her for a while now. ‘I know it's difficult because we've not had the chance to experience being with each other under normal circumstances but…and again, I know it's a bit wet…but, what I'm trying to say is, if I leave him then we
have
to work out, Joe. I need us to make it. I don't think I could bear to have two failed relationships behind me and, being really honest, I don't want to go through all the pain and upheaval and nastiness of a divorce only to find that when I'm out the other side you've…changed your mind.'

She looked tentatively at Joe to gauge his reaction and was dismayed to see that she'd done exactly what she'd worried she might do by displaying a lack of faith. She'd pissed him off.

‘Don't be cross. I'm only being honest. You know all I want is to be with you but…well, the whole thing is just so…it's so bloody big, I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me and I suppose I just need to be reassured that you really feel the same way as me and that this isn't just about the chase of someone who's not available.'

Now Joe looked deeply offended.

‘Not that I think you'd ever do that consciously,' she rattled on, knowing that whatever she said now was probably only going to make matters worse. ‘Only Karen did ask me once if perhaps the depth of feeling we have for one another might be heightened by the situation we're in, and perhaps it is?'

Joe lay back on the earthy ground and stared at the sky.

‘Talk to me,' urged Jennifer.

‘I don't know what you want me to say,' he mumbled, unable it seemed even to look at her. Her stomach flipped as she realised quite how fed up he was.

‘Well, just say what's in your head.'

Joe's whole face had darkened and when he still didn't say anything her heart sank. She could also feel herself getting annoyed. Shutting down like this was a waste of time. She knew she was being needy and no doubt annoying but she couldn't help what she felt so what was the
point of punishing her? She was on the brink of leaving her husband. It didn't get much bigger than that and she didn't mind admitting she was beyond terrified. Why couldn't he just humour her and give her the reassurance she obviously so needed?

‘Please Joe, just talk to me.'

‘I've got nothing to say.'

At a loss to know what to do next she lay next to him for a while in silence, wishing she'd kept quiet and ignored her own pathetic insecurity.

She prayed this wasn't going to ruin an entire night or more. What a waste that would be.

However, to her surprise, in the next minute, as they lay side by side she felt a hand reach for hers at which point her stomach flipped back to normal for she knew this was Joe's way of telling her it was all right.