Dom X - The Complete Box Set: Alpha Male Romance (27 page)

N
ori's question
hung in the air between us, and I couldn't answer it because I was too busy staring at her. She was wearing a fluffy pink robe that was tight enough to highlight her curves and make me suspect that she wasn't wearing anything underneath. Her hair was wet and pulled back, but a few strands had escaped, framing her face.

“Is everything okay?”

A man's voice came from behind her, and I wasn't surprised to see Tanner step up.

My heart fell, and I cursed myself for allowing any sort of hope to take root. I should have known better. I'd fucked up so many times with her that I'd run out of chances. Even if I hadn't, I didn't deserve her forgiveness, much less anything else. I hadn't realized that a part of me was still holding on to the hope that Father O'Toole had given me until Tanner's presence broke it.

Everything I'd feared had come true. I'd lost her for good.

Except I hadn't really had her in the first place, I reminded myself. She'd never been mine in any real way; I'd made sure of that. Now it was time to reap what I'd sown.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. Heat flooded my already overly-warm face. “I shouldn't have come. You're busy.”

“Stay.”

To my complete shock, it wasn't Nori who said it. Tanner stepped by her and out the door. He paused in front of me, using those extra two inches of height to look down at me. There was no contempt in his eyes, but no pity either. He looked at me like an equal, which I didn't get. How could I ever be equal with someone like him?

“You two need to talk,” he said. “And Nori will probably say that this isn't my place, but I don't care. If you hurt her, I will make sure you regret it.”

“I already do,” I said quietly. “And if I do it again, you won't need to come after me.”

His eyes met mine and I forced myself to hold his gaze. I felt him measuring me, and I knew I'd come up wanting. I didn't need him to tell me that I didn't deserve Nori. I already knew that, better than anyone. He didn't say that though. In fact, he didn't say anything else. He merely glanced at Nori, nodded, and then walked out.

“What are you doing here?” she repeated her question.

I stuck my hands in my pockets. “Can I come in?”

She stepped aside and made a sweeping gesture with her arm. I walked in and pulled down my hood, breathing a sigh of relief. I was still hot, but at least now I could feel the air conditioning on my face. I ran my fingers through my hair, fixing it so that it fell over the left side.

“I came to apologize,” I said.

When I turned, I found her standing in the same place, her arms crossed, a blank expression on her face. Apparently, she wasn't going to make this easy on me, and I couldn't really blame her.

I opened my mouth and then realized that I had absolutely no clue what to say. How was I supposed to tell her all of the ways I'd royally fucked up, and how sorry I was for it? There didn't seem to be any real words that were adequate enough.

“Dammit!” I ran my hand through my hair again, this time not caring that it moved back from my face. “I don't know what I'm supposed to say.”

“How about the truth?” Nori's voice was unreadable. “That might be a good place to start.”

“The truth.” I barked a laugh. “How about I'm an ass?”

She raised an eyebrow but didn't argue.

“My whole life, I've felt like everything was my fault,” I admitted. If I was going to do this, she deserved to know it all. “I never told you what happened to my mom and sister.”

She looked confused by what she saw as a change of subject, but didn't tell me to hurry up, so I continued with my story.

“I told you about getting arrested for dealing, and that I turned on my dealer, but I didn't say that one of his acts of retribution was to have my mother and sister murdered.”

Her hands went over her mouth, horror written across her face. “Oh, X.”

I shook my head. “I'm not saying this to get sympathy or anything like that. I'm telling you because, my whole life, I've felt like I was being punished. First, for not saving them from my dad, and then for getting them killed. Part of the reason I enlisted was because I felt like I'd finally be doing some good, making amends. I never expected to get anything in my life to make me happy.”

My heart was racing now. I'd never been one to talk about my feelings with women. Ever. It was one of the many reasons I'd always preferred the occasional one-night stand. No need to discuss a future or even feelings beyond attraction and wanting sex. Once it was clear that there wouldn't be anything else, there was no need for any sort of deep discussion.

“When I met you, Nori, all of that changed. I tried to fight it, told myself that I didn't deserve you. When you were with Tanner, it was easier because I knew there'd never be anything between us. But then you came to Philadelphia, and you were single and I couldn't stop thinking about you.”

She walked past me and sat down on the couch. As she passed, I noticed what I hadn't seen before. Her eyes were red, and her skin pale. She was really upset. My heart twisted painfully in my chest. I couldn't believe I'd done this to someone I cared about so much.

“The night Father O'Toole died.” My voice caught on the word. “It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me, and then you were there, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.”

She looked down at her hands.

“Yesterday morning, when I woke up and you were still there in my arms, it was like every horrible thing I'd ever done came rushing back, telling me that I didn't deserve this at all, that I didn't deserve to have you.” I paused for a moment, searching for the right words. “That dark, self-destructive part of me told me that you'd just felt sorry for me. I knew that you'd never do that, but I couldn't quite bring myself to believe that you could really want me.”

She sniffed and I looked down. Shit. She was crying.

I wanted nothing more than to sit down next to her, wrap my arms around her and tell her that I'd never hurt her again. After what I'd done, though, I had no right to touch her.

“When you didn't talk to me yesterday, I thought that you just needed some time to cool off, that I'd be able to talk to you this morning but you were gone.” I didn't try to hide the pleading in my voice. “Please come back to Philadelphia. Let's work this out, even if it means you just working at the house. I can't lose you, Nori.”

She raised her head, something flashing in her eyes. “You think I left because you were behaving like an asshole?”

Confused, I nodded.

“Don't get me wrong, the thought crossed my mind, but do you really think I'd be so petty to run away because you hurt my feelings?”

“You said you couldn't work for me anymore,” I said as my mind raced to try to catch up with whatever she was thinking.

“Yes,” she said. “But I never would've just walked out without another word. Especially not with everything you had going on with Father O'Toole. No matter how much you pissed me off, I would've at least stayed for the funeral.”

I shook my head. “I don't understand.”

“No.” She sighed. “You don't, because you never bothered to ask why I left. Did you even think to call me?”

Heat flooded my face. “No. I didn't think you'd answer.”

“I probably wouldn't have,” she said. “Not until I got back here, but not because I was angry or hurt. Honestly, until you showed up here, I hadn't really been thinking about any of that. I was a bit more concerned with my parents.”

“Your parents?” Now I was really confused.

“They were in a car accident,” Nori said. “Tanner called me late last night. They're in the hospital, and they're okay, but he knew I'd want to get here right away. I didn't leave a note or call you because I was thinking about them.” She closed her eyes and shook her head. “Not everything is about you, X.”

I flinched. She was right. I'd come here to apologize because I hated the thought that I'd hurt her, and I didn't want to lose her. I'd never once considered that anything else could've brought her back here. When I saw she'd gone, I'd automatically assumed that it had to be because of me, like I was the most important person in her world.

For someone who thought he didn't deserve anything, I sure thought about myself a lot.

I'd completely missed that part of the Dom lesson, too. Sure, it'd been about control, and about taking care of the Sub, but I'd never stopped to think about what that really meant.

With someone who was only a sexual partner, that was where the needs started and ended. With sex. But a Dom / Sub relationship that was more than sex meant that the care had to extend outside the bedroom. Society might not understand the whole BDSM lifestyle, but the ideal, truest, kind of love was the kind that was supposed to be displayed there. The kind that came with putting a partner's needs above your own.

I needed to put her needs above mine. Think about her instead of myself.

Tanner had clearly understood that. Even though she told him that she didn't want to get back together, he'd called her about her parents, and I had no doubt he'd helped her get here. He'd also been with her all day and had taken care of her tonight. He might not have stayed if I hadn't shown up, but he'd still cared for her.

I didn't deny the jealousy that went through me, but I knew that wasn't the point. If I truly cared about her – if I actually loved her – as much as I said I did, I needed to stop thinking about myself and put her first. That didn't mean pushing her away, but rather letting her go. Walking away so that she could get what she needed from someone who could truly help her.

“I'm sorry,” I said quietly. It seemed like such a trite thing to say, but it was all I could. She didn't need to hear another speech about my newfound self-awareness. “I'll let you rest. I won't bother you again.”

I was half-way to the door when she spoke.

“Don't.”

I stopped but didn't turn. I couldn't hope that she meant what I thought. It'd be too much.

“Don't go.”

I looked over my shoulder at her. “Nori?”

Her eyes met mine, and I could see the tears shining in them. “Please don't go. Stay with me.”

As if I could do anything but what she asked. It wasn't even a choice.

H
e'd come
to Texas for me. Left the house. Gone out in public. Not just in public, but flown half-way across the country, back to the place where he'd lost everything.

For me.

The entire time he and Tanner were standing in the hallway, my brain had been struggling to process the fact that X was standing in front of me. When I'd opened the door, he was the last person I'd suspected, and not just because I hadn't thought he'd want to make amends for what happened. If I'd been in a hotel close by the house, I still would've been surprised to see him. The thought of him even getting into a car to drive somewhere was a shock. But I knew, to get here, he would've had to drive to the airport, get on a plane, somehow figure out where I was, and then drive here. It was almost unimaginable.

And yet, here he was. Defying the odds. That, I supposed, wasn't exactly a surprise. X had always been the kind of person who took what others said about him and did whatever the hell he wanted to anyway.

When Tanner looked at me, I knew he was asking if it was okay for him to go. I nodded. I needed to know why X was here, and I was pretty sure I didn't want Tanner to be around for that conversation. He clearly knew that something was going on between us, but I didn't think he'd want to hear that we had slept together.

So Tanner left, I invited X in, and less than twenty minutes later, I was telling him about why I left. I'd been horrified by what he'd revealed about his sister and mother, then sympathetic, but by the time he got to the part about asking me to come back to Philadelphia, my patience had worn pretty thin.

I knew I was being a bit harsh, but I didn't have the strength to worry about that as I told him what happened. I knew I cared about him, maybe even loved him, but I meant it when I said that not everything was about him. I hadn't left a note or anything, and maybe I should have, but he could've just called. I'd been mad at him, but I would've picked up.

My parents were okay, but that didn't mean I wasn't still too drained to deal with him. I'd wanted to know why he was here. Now I knew.

I barely heard him apologize to me, but I did hear him say that he was going to leave. I should've let him go, just like I'd told Tanner to leave. I wanted to be alone.

Except I didn't.

I hadn't wanted Tanner to stay, even though he'd been a great friend to me today. But I didn't want X to go, no matter how he'd behaved in the past.

“Don't go.”

The words came out barely above a whisper, but I heard him stop and say my name.

When I looked up, I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. “Please, don't go. Stay with me.”

For one long moment, I thought my words had put the wall between us back up. That he'd tell me it was too little, too late. I knew I could do this on my own if he walked out, but I didn't want to. I wanted him with me.

Relief rushed through me as he came over to the couch and sat down. He was too far away to touch me, and I wondered if he was purposefully staying out of reach. I should've been grateful, because I didn't think I could handle a platonic touch from X the way I had from Tanner.

“What can I do?” he asked.

“I don't have the strength to argue,” I said.

“I don't want to argue.” He reached out, his fingers brushing mine. “I don't want to hurt you anymore. Tell me how not to hurt you, Nori.”

I was the one who took his hand, nearly sighing with relief when his fingers curled around mine. I wasn't just too tired to argue, I was too tired to pretend that I didn't need him. “I just need you to be with me.”

He brushed his knuckles across my cheek, and I felt the faint edge of scar tissue. “I'll be whatever you need me to be.”

Something inside me relaxed at his words. I didn't know yet how much he meant by them, but for right now, it was what I needed. “Thank you.” The words took more effort than they should have.

“You look exhausted,” he said gently. “Come on, let's get you to bed.”

I shook my head. “It'd be too weird to sleep in my mom's bed. I'm sleeping here.”

He looked like he was about to argue with me, but he only nodded and stood. “Okay, then, where are the extra blankets?”

Something had changed. I didn't know what or why, only that it seemed like X's priorities had suddenly shifted. I couldn’t take the time to analyze it right now. I was too tired to think straight.

By the time X returned with a blanket and extra pillow, I was stretched out and half-way to sleep. He smoothed down my hair as he tucked me in, the gesture as natural as anything. Then, he leaned down and pressed his lips against my forehead. Heat spread through me in a way it hadn't when Tanner touched me.

“Sleep,” X said quietly. “I'm not going anywhere.”

I believed him.

And I slept.

I didn't know for how long, but when I felt myself starting to wake up, I heard the shower turning off, so I knew I hadn't been out long. I was still tired, but I didn't want to go back to sleep again, not yet anyway. I'd essentially only had a nap, but it cleared my head enough to know that I wanted to see if X was still here.

The bathroom door opened and he walked out. It felt like an eerie form of deja vu, and I half-expected X to come out in his hoodie again, to go back to the sullen man I'd left behind in Philadelphia.

He was only wearing a towel.

My mind immediately flashed back to the first time I'd seen him in that house in just a towel...but not around his waist. Desire spiked through my half-wakeful state. I stared at him, at the way drops of water still clung to his chest and shoulders. It'd been less than two days since I'd slept with him, but he hadn't let me touch him then, see him. Now I was greedy, wanting to see all of him.

“Hey.” He smiled at me as he came over, and there was something different about it. Not softer, but rather stronger.

Whatever epiphany he'd had, it changed something inside him. I just didn't know what that meant for us.

“Go back to sleep.” He leaned down, his fingers tucking some wayward hair behind my ear. “I'll be right over there.” He gestured toward a chair.

“No.” I shook my head. I was vaguely aware that I was still a bit loopy, but I wasn't going to let that stop me. “Come here.”

I patted the couch. It was a big one, far too big for this tiny apartment, but my mom said she'd wanted it in case I needed a place to crash. I knew it was actually because she wanted to make sure Dad had a place to sleep if he needed it.

“I don't think that's a good idea,” X said. He didn't move though.

“Did you know what you were doing?” I asked. “That night?”

His expression tightened, but he nodded.

“Then don't you think I do too?” I reached toward him, ready for him to push my hand away. He didn't, letting my fingers skim across his cheek.

“Nori.” He caught my hand and brought it to his mouth, brushing his lips across my knuckles. “You need to get some sleep.”

“I need you.” I squeezed his hand. “Just lay here with me.”

He nodded, and I waited for him to head back to the bathroom to change. He didn't though. He simply eased me up and maneuvered us around so that he was lying behind me.

In only a towel.

I shivered, and then his arm went around me and a deeper shiver went through me.

“Go to sleep, Nori.” He kissed my temple. “I'll be right here. Whatever you need.”

I ran my fingers up his arm. “What changed your mind?”

“Hmm?” He raked his fingers through my hair.

Distracting.

“You came in here all explain-y.”

He chuckled at my word choice. At least, I assumed that's what he was laughing at.

“But then you were going to go, and leave me alone. Now you're here. What changed?” I was hovering now, that place between sleeping and being awake. Even though I knew I needed sleep, I liked this place. I could say things I would normally hold back. Plus, no case of hangover the next morning like there was with alcohol.

He was quiet for a minute, but his body was still relaxed against my back, so I knew he was thinking.

“I just realized that I needed to stop thinking about me, and start thinking about you.”

I turned my head so I could look up at him. His face was so close that I could see every shade of blue in his eyes. “What does that mean?”

“It means,” he said with another one of those new smiles. “That I finally understood what you were trying to teach me about being a Dom. That I'm supposed to take care of my Sub.”

I swallowed hard, feeling quite a bit more awake now. I really wanted him to mean what he said.

“I want you, Nori,” he said. His hand came up, thumb stroking across my bottom lip. “But not just for sex. I want you to be mine.”

Shit. It was hard to breathe.

“I'm not asking you to make any decisions now. I just don't want to hide anything from you. Not after what happened the last time I wasn't being honest.”

I was pretty sure I was staring, but I couldn't believe what I was hearing. “What the hell happened to you?”

His gaze moved along my face, like he was trying to memorize it. “I realized how close I came to losing you completely. I've never been so scared of anything in my life.”

I rolled onto my back, which wasn't easy, even on the larger couch. “Scared?”

“Terrified.” He cupped the side of my face. “I've spent my whole life thinking that I don't deserve to be happy, and I've never tried to fight that. Until now. I want us to be together. For real.”

I wanted that too, wanted it so bad it hurt, but...

His expression sobered, the light in his eyes dimming. “It's okay. I'm not asking for anything right now. We both have a lot going on and–”

“I want that too,” I said quickly. I reached up, hesitating with my hand over his cheek.

“But?”

I dropped my hand and answered honestly, “I don't know if I can trust you.”

I waited for the explosion, waited for him to start getting defensive with me.

“I understand,” he said.

I blinked. Was he serious?

“And I'm going to do everything in my power to earn that trust back.” He reached down and picked up my hand. “I meant what I said, Nori. Whatever you need.”

And then he put my hand over his heart.

Over the scar tissue over his heart.