Complete Works of Wilkie Collins (1997 page)

Mrs. W.
If you please, captain — (
She sees
MAGDALEN.) Oh Lord! the captain’s got company with him.

Mag.
(
to
WRAGGE). Who is this?

Wragge.
A companion for you while I am gone. Quite harmless — only my wife. (
To
MRS. WRAGGE.) Well?

Mrs. W.
If you please, captain, the music sets my head Buzzing. I’m much obliged to you for the holiday. I think I had better go home.

Wragge
(
loudly
). Stay here, and keep this lady company. I introduce you to this lady. My niece, Mrs. Wragge! — my niece!

Mrs. W.
(
curtsying and smiling vacantly
). Oh, indeed? the captain’s niece. I’m sorry, miss — no, I don’t mean I’m sorry — I’m glad —

Wragge
(
shouting at her
). Glad, of course!

Mrs. W.
(
meekly repeating
). Glad, of course!

Wragge
(
to
MAGDALEN). Mrs. Wragge is not deaf. She’s only a little slow — constitutionally torpid. Shout at her, and her mind comes up to time. Speak to her, and she drifts miles away from you directly. (
To
MRS. WRAGGE,
shouting.
) Put your bonnet straight! (
To
MAGDALEN.) I beg your pardon, I’m a martyr to my own sense of order. I must have everything about me — my wife included — tidy and straight. Mrs. Wragge, as you see, is habitually crooked. (
To
MRS. WRAGGE.) More to the right! (MRS. WRAGGE
pulls her bonnet to the left.
) The other way! (MRS. WRAGGE
obeys.
) More still! That will do. (
To
MAGDALEN.) Can you really endure Mrs. Wragge? A thousand thanks. You are quite safe here till tea-time. I’ll be back directly.

(
He goes out at the back.
)

Mrs. W.
I am glad to be here along with you, miss. (
She looks round the tent.
) I like this place. It’s away from the music here. The music sets my head Buzzing.

Mag.
(
puzzled
). Buzzing! (
To herself.
) What does the poor creature mean?

Mrs. W.
I’ve had the Buzzing in my head, off and on — how many years? (
Eagerly.
) Have you ever been at Darch’s Dining-rooms, in London?

Mag.
No.

Mrs. W.
(
getting excited
). That’s where the Buzzing in my head first began. I was employed to wait on the gentlemen, at Darch’s Dining-rooms — I was. The gentlemen all came together; the gentlemen were all hungry together; the gentlemen all gave their orders together. Don’t you see?

Mag.
I think I do. You had to keep their orders separate in your memory? and the trying to do that confused you?

Mrs. W.
(
highly excited
). That’s it! Boiled pork and greens and peas-pudding for Number One. Stewed beef and carrots and gooseberry tart for Number Two. Cut of mutton, and quick about it, well done and plenty of fat, for Number Three. Codfish and parsnips, two chops to follow, hot and hot, or I’ll be the death of you, for Number Four. Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten! Carrots, and gooseberry tart — peas-pudding and plenty of fat — pork and beef, and cut ‘em all, and quick about it — stout for one and ale for t’other — and stale bread here, and new bread there — and this gentleman likes cheese, and that gentleman doesn’t. Matilda, ‘Tilda, ‘Tilda, ‘Tilda, fifty times over, till I didn’t know my own name again — oh Lord! oh Lord! all together, all at the same time, all out of temper, all buzzing in my poor head like forty-thousand-million bees! (
Looking round in terror to the back, and catching
MAGDALEN
by both arms.
) Don’t tell the captain! don’t tell the captain!

Mag.
(
kindly
). Hush! hush! The captain hasn’t heard you. (
Putting her hand on
MRS. WRAGGE’S
forehead.
) Poor thing! How hot her head is! There! there! don’t talk again just yet.

Mrs. W.
Thankee, miss. Darch’s Dining-rooms sets me off somehow. It don’t last long. I’m all right again now. (
Admiring
MAGDALEN’S
hand.
) What a pretty hand you have got! How soft and white it is! I try to be a lady — I always keep my gloves on — but I can’t get my hands like yours. I’m nicely dressed though — ain’t I? I had as pretty a bonnet as yours once. I wore it when I married the captain.

Mag.
Where did you meet with the captain?

Mrs. W.
At the Dining-rooms. He was the hungriest and the loudest to wait upon of the lot of ‘em. He used to swear — oh, didn’t he use to swear! When he left off swearing at me, he married me. Not that I was obliged to marry him, you know. Bless you, I had my pick!

Mag.
Your pick?

Mrs. W.
My pick of the gentlemen at Darch’s Dining-rooms. Why not? When you have a trifle of money left you that you didn’t expect — if that don’t make a lady of you, what does? I picked the captain, I did. He told me I wanted a man like him to take care of me and my money. I’m here, the money’s gone, and the captain’s as hungry and as loud to wait upon as ever. I do everything for him. Did you notice his chin, miss?

Mag.
I can’t say I did.

Mrs. W.
You look at it when he comes back, and you tell me if he isn’t nicely shaved!
I
shave him. He had me taught. I brush his hair and cut his nails; he’s awfully particular about his nails. (CAPTAIN WRAGGE
reappears at the back.
) So he is about his trousers and his boots, and his pomatum, and his flesh-brush, and his breakfasts, and lunches, and dinners, and teas —
 
—

Wragge
(
shouting
). Mrs. Wragge!

Mrs. W.
Oh, Lord!, here he is again!

Wragge
(
entering, and pointing indignantly to
MRS. WRAGGE’S
heels
). Down at heel again! The left shoe. Pull if up at heel, Mrs. Wragge — pull it up at heel! (
To
MAGDALEN.) I’ve done it! Noel Vanstone has received me with open arms. He is going (with my assistance) to catch Captain Wragge. There is only one thing you need remember in speaking to him. My name is Bygrave, and you are Miss Bygrave, my niece. Come and be introduced.

Mag.
(
hesitating
). Is it safe to leave the tent yet?

Wragge.
Trust me to keep you out of Mr. Bartram’s way. As for the tent, the servants are coming in to lay the table, with Mrs. Lecount at their head. I would rather not trust you alone with Mrs. Lecount.

Mag.
The housekeeper? I have heard of her! You are quite right. Let us go.

Mrs. W.
(
piteously
). If you please, captain, what is to become of
me?

Wragge.
Are you up at heel?

Mrs. W.
Yes, captain.

Wragge.
Go home, then. Tell the landlady I shall be back to dinner, with the appetite of a wolf. Stop! There is another message for the landlady. She is to get the spare bedroom ready for my niece. My niece will stay with us.

Mag.
(
pointing off at the right
). Look! the servants —
 
—

Wragge
(
looking off
). And Mrs. Lecount!

(
He gives his arm to
MAGDALEN.
They go out at the back.
)

Mrs. W.
(
alone
). What did the captain tell me? (
Trying to repeat the message.
) My niece will be back to dinner with the appetite of a wolf, and the landlady is to get a spare bed for the captain. What have I done to offend the captain?

Enter
MRS. LECOUNT,
followed by the servants, carrying a table-cloth, cups, saucers, plates, &c.
MRS. LECOUNT
is a middle-aged woman, dressed quietly, but in excellent taste. She speaks in a foreign accent; assuming, while in the presence of others, an extreme gentleness of tone and suavity of manner.

Mrs. L.
(
noticing
MRS. WRAGGE). A stranger here! Pardon me, madam, the tent is not open to visitors, until the children are at tea.

Mrs. W.
(
confused
). Oh, Lord! I beg your pardon, I’m sure.

(
She attempts to go out on the right, and entangles herself with the servants.
)

Mrs. L.
(
pointing to the back
). That way, madam.

Mrs. W.
Thankee, ma’am. (
Aside.
) Oh, my heart alive! ain’t she beautifully dressed!

(MRS. WRAGGE
curtsys, with her eyes fixed admiringly on
MRS. LECOUNT,
and goes out at the back.
)

Mrs. L.
(
looking after her
). I have heard of harmless lunatics. I never saw one before. (
She turns and addresses the servants.
) Pay attention, my friends, to the comfort of these poor children, they have so few comforts of their own.

(ADMIRAL BARTRAM
appears at the opening of the tent.
)

Adm. B.
(
heartily
). Hallo! I’m glad to see this. Those unfortunate school-children will get something to eat and drink at any rate.

Mrs. L.
Admiral Bartram! You have come here to see if the children get something? Ah, you are so interested in the children!

Adm. B.
Interested in them? My heart bleeds for them, Mrs. Lecount. Instead of romping and rolling over each other on the grass, the miserable little wretches are all marching two and two round the grounds, with an unlicked cub of a curate at their head, lecturing them on botany as they go. That’s not my notion of a holiday for children! I came here to please Noel, and I’m going home again to please myself.

Mrs. L.
So soon, admiral? Mr. Noel will be so disappointed!

Adm. B.
I wanted to speak to Noel before I left — but there’s no getting at him. He’s surrounded on this melancholy occasion by the Vicar and the Member, and all the minor bores of the neighbourhood.

Mrs. L.
Can I give him any message, sir?

Adm. B.
Thank you, Mrs. Lecount. Between ourselves, I wanted to speak once more to Noel about the Miss Vanstones.

Mrs. L.
Ah, that is a very painful subject! Your nephew, Mr. George Bartram —
 
—